Need Help Sorting Today Out
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Need Help Sorting Today Out
Well the first thing I need everyone's opinion on in this: While I was trying to move on from my ABF, this good guy came along who is a friend of a friend and wanted to date me, I felt some sort of connection so even though I wasn't ready, I gave it a shot.
Then I found out he smokes pot. Like everyday. I was furious! After everything I've been through ABF I was completely triggered with anger and surprised at myself...so I tried to let it go...then I just realized he was into me more so I gently broke it off. We're friends, but don't talk a ton. Yesterday we were chatting and the smoking came up and he keeps saying he thinks its wrong of me to judge someone on a "lifestyle choice" and that I'm being unfairly biased based on my ex! I said I find the whole pot thing really immature...and now he's all pissed and keeps saying that I'm being judegemental. He has a lot of thigns going for him and overall is such a better guy than ABF, well he's better adjusted I guess. So now I'm standing firm in my beliefs, but I also kind of feel like a bad guy because I'm young and a lot of people part take...and I am sensitive to any sort of drug or alcohol use....I'm not being unfair am I? I think he thinks that's the whole reason I broke it off. I just don't like him like that! God, some men.....
I ran into ABF @ school today too. I swear days i see him I know I'm going to run into him. I feel edgy all day and just know. It must be the dirtmagnet thing. Haha. I saw him sitting outside of the building I just walked out of and stopped dead in my tracks, and turned around. Normally, I would do some sort of passive aggressive fast strut past him. He probably still saw me though. But man, I had soooo many feelings of anger, love, hatred, and excitement coursing through me. My hands started to shake and I almost had a panic attack....Here was the very person whose car I fantasize about vandalizing right before me....LOL.
Last time I spoke to him (on 3-4 weeks NC) I said he was going to end up like his Dad, who was an alcoholic...and I asked him if he wanted to treat his future family the way he was brought up (his mom died @ a young age and really wants to have a girl to name her after her). I knew I struck him because he got really furious lol. I wasn't trying to beg or manipulate. It was a legit question and I thought he would be able to see the possiblities. Am I sick for thinking this is funny? I mean he's said himself he's afraid he'll become that, but when I say anything near the way he talks about himself..I'm an *******? Its like get real! No one will come near you with all those piercings in your face and ur too wasted to move half the time!!! I mention the word abuse and you loose your marbles? But when its convenient for u to play the victim card so I'll stay it's alright?
Of course I never say all of this and I'm very careful because he's so defensive...but it's just ludicrous logic through and through.
I'm so angry at this moron!!!!
Whew. Thanks. Just kind of feel like a judgemental jerk/worked up a bit from seeing him today.Its so strange how I sense him. I can't describe it, but it never fails to be off.
Then I found out he smokes pot. Like everyday. I was furious! After everything I've been through ABF I was completely triggered with anger and surprised at myself...so I tried to let it go...then I just realized he was into me more so I gently broke it off. We're friends, but don't talk a ton. Yesterday we were chatting and the smoking came up and he keeps saying he thinks its wrong of me to judge someone on a "lifestyle choice" and that I'm being unfairly biased based on my ex! I said I find the whole pot thing really immature...and now he's all pissed and keeps saying that I'm being judegemental. He has a lot of thigns going for him and overall is such a better guy than ABF, well he's better adjusted I guess. So now I'm standing firm in my beliefs, but I also kind of feel like a bad guy because I'm young and a lot of people part take...and I am sensitive to any sort of drug or alcohol use....I'm not being unfair am I? I think he thinks that's the whole reason I broke it off. I just don't like him like that! God, some men.....
I ran into ABF @ school today too. I swear days i see him I know I'm going to run into him. I feel edgy all day and just know. It must be the dirtmagnet thing. Haha. I saw him sitting outside of the building I just walked out of and stopped dead in my tracks, and turned around. Normally, I would do some sort of passive aggressive fast strut past him. He probably still saw me though. But man, I had soooo many feelings of anger, love, hatred, and excitement coursing through me. My hands started to shake and I almost had a panic attack....Here was the very person whose car I fantasize about vandalizing right before me....LOL.
Last time I spoke to him (on 3-4 weeks NC) I said he was going to end up like his Dad, who was an alcoholic...and I asked him if he wanted to treat his future family the way he was brought up (his mom died @ a young age and really wants to have a girl to name her after her). I knew I struck him because he got really furious lol. I wasn't trying to beg or manipulate. It was a legit question and I thought he would be able to see the possiblities. Am I sick for thinking this is funny? I mean he's said himself he's afraid he'll become that, but when I say anything near the way he talks about himself..I'm an *******? Its like get real! No one will come near you with all those piercings in your face and ur too wasted to move half the time!!! I mention the word abuse and you loose your marbles? But when its convenient for u to play the victim card so I'll stay it's alright?
Of course I never say all of this and I'm very careful because he's so defensive...but it's just ludicrous logic through and through.
I'm so angry at this moron!!!!
Whew. Thanks. Just kind of feel like a judgemental jerk/worked up a bit from seeing him today.Its so strange how I sense him. I can't describe it, but it never fails to be off.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm not being unfair am I?
I don't think so. And you don't have to say anything more to anyone than, this just doesn't work for me! I mean if he and all the rest of his "peers" want to smoke well let them knock themselves out! You're not being judgmental of them - you're using good judgement about what works for you in a relationship. And that's your business. he wants to smoke 24/7 that's his business. But you are under no obligation to date him!!
peace-
b
I don't think so. And you don't have to say anything more to anyone than, this just doesn't work for me! I mean if he and all the rest of his "peers" want to smoke well let them knock themselves out! You're not being judgmental of them - you're using good judgement about what works for you in a relationship. And that's your business. he wants to smoke 24/7 that's his business. But you are under no obligation to date him!!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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P.S. People who try to make me feel bad about my convictions, who don;t respect that I am a thoughtful person who has come by my opinions legitimately are not "friendship" material for me.
A friend would respect that I feel the way I do. They might ask me some questions to understand me better, but they would never try to make me feel bad for how I feel, or make fun of my feelings, or try to pigeon hole me as "judgemental" just because it suits their agenda for me!
peace-- b
A friend would respect that I feel the way I do. They might ask me some questions to understand me better, but they would never try to make me feel bad for how I feel, or make fun of my feelings, or try to pigeon hole me as "judgemental" just because it suits their agenda for me!
peace-- b
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Yesterday we were chatting and the smoking came up and he keeps saying he thinks its wrong of me to judge someone on a "lifestyle choice" and that I'm being unfairly biased
I agree 100% with Bernadette....
You're NOT being judgemental, you have standards for what you want and don't want in your life. That's no being unfairly biased, it's standing strong in your convictions.
He's just trying to justify it. Hey, tell him to have at it.....go smoke as much pot as you want to and deplete those brain cells...sounds like they are already half gone.
You are better off!
I agree 100% with Bernadette....
You're NOT being judgemental, you have standards for what you want and don't want in your life. That's no being unfairly biased, it's standing strong in your convictions.
He's just trying to justify it. Hey, tell him to have at it.....go smoke as much pot as you want to and deplete those brain cells...sounds like they are already half gone.
You are better off!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I'm not attracted to guys who listen to horrible music or wear mandals (man sandals). It may seem superficial or judgmental, but God put my preferences there for a reason. Every time I've tried to ignore my preferences, the guy has ended up being a douche. I also find pot smoking terribly unattractive, always have. It's OK to have preferences, especially important ones that could affect your standard of living, but I think even dumb preferences are OK.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Near the end of our relationship my XABF told me repeatedly that I was too judgemental of anyone who drinks, smokes, or uses any kind of recreational drug. He insisted that I thought I was superior to all of them especially him. He was very defensive of any celebrity or other who was talked about on TV as getting caught with illegal drugs or arrested for DUI etc. He would maintain that I had my shortcomings and it just a matter of time before I was publicly embarrassed by them. WTF?
I tried to defend my position many times calmly, but he just became more bitter every time the subject came up (he was the only one bringing it up mind you).
As I hit my stride in recovery I realized that all of his finger pointing was just a defense mechanism to keep up the addictions he had (alcohol, cigarettes, pot). He talked down the impact of his choices to make them acceptable somehow and he made my issues with his behavior an unreasonable reaction to make himself feel better.
Now out in the world on my own, I have seen this defense mechanism now in others when they have expectations of me that I don't live up to. A man that comes by the house to visit my roommate and his partner took an interest in me and was very obvious about it at a holiday party. I rebuffed him politely and made no explanation as to why. He has looks like my EX, he drank a lot that night but insisted he only had two beers, which is also a lot like my EX, and from the way he talked I suspected he did or had done a good bit of drugs. I didn't tell him these things, I just kept my distance and showed no interest.
Well, I got a big "Your a judgemental B***h" lecture not long after that when he came over. I was direct and made it clear that I saw his little rant as a childish move because he expected I should fall all over him for some reason, and I'm not interested. I told him to get over himself and I wouldn't hear from him again on the subject. He still comes by but won't talk to me. Pouty child.
Maybe your friend is the same kind of pouty child. If that's the case, you really are better off not being interested. Your heart is going in the right direction if you ask me.
Alice
I tried to defend my position many times calmly, but he just became more bitter every time the subject came up (he was the only one bringing it up mind you).
As I hit my stride in recovery I realized that all of his finger pointing was just a defense mechanism to keep up the addictions he had (alcohol, cigarettes, pot). He talked down the impact of his choices to make them acceptable somehow and he made my issues with his behavior an unreasonable reaction to make himself feel better.
Now out in the world on my own, I have seen this defense mechanism now in others when they have expectations of me that I don't live up to. A man that comes by the house to visit my roommate and his partner took an interest in me and was very obvious about it at a holiday party. I rebuffed him politely and made no explanation as to why. He has looks like my EX, he drank a lot that night but insisted he only had two beers, which is also a lot like my EX, and from the way he talked I suspected he did or had done a good bit of drugs. I didn't tell him these things, I just kept my distance and showed no interest.
Well, I got a big "Your a judgemental B***h" lecture not long after that when he came over. I was direct and made it clear that I saw his little rant as a childish move because he expected I should fall all over him for some reason, and I'm not interested. I told him to get over himself and I wouldn't hear from him again on the subject. He still comes by but won't talk to me. Pouty child.
Maybe your friend is the same kind of pouty child. If that's the case, you really are better off not being interested. Your heart is going in the right direction if you ask me.
Alice
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Thanks guys.
God after wanting someone you love to see the light with all of that... I get so annoyed even with recreational users. I just see no point in escaping reality.
And being called "judgmental" is a soft spot because that was what A would always say to make me feel guilty.
I agree. I just needed to post on that and also seeing A....that was hard today. I miss him sometimes. Mostly I'm pissed off though. I'm still hoping a year from now I'll get a call. "Hey I'm clean!"
But I know that's fantasy. Damn.
Last time I saw him I was talking to him and he passed out right next to me. So I left the room and came back and to his dog all of a sudden guarding him and ready to attack. The dog barking nonstop nor me screaming his name could wake him. I looked at his body facing where I was last sitting..and in that moment, in the door frame...panicked and pissed... I realized how this could be my future. I could have been bitten to death! And he would have been right there - unshakable! I was pretty scared, I'm a really small girl. Then I couldn't get the door open to leave! It was very symbolic. A narrow escape. I peeled outta there just to spite (no one I guess) and like a bat outta hell. It took me being in psychical danger to make a stronger effort @ NC.
So when I saw him today since then....I wanted to just run him ovverrr!!! Thanks for listening guys
Alcoholism won.
God after wanting someone you love to see the light with all of that... I get so annoyed even with recreational users. I just see no point in escaping reality.
And being called "judgmental" is a soft spot because that was what A would always say to make me feel guilty.
I agree. I just needed to post on that and also seeing A....that was hard today. I miss him sometimes. Mostly I'm pissed off though. I'm still hoping a year from now I'll get a call. "Hey I'm clean!"
But I know that's fantasy. Damn.
Last time I saw him I was talking to him and he passed out right next to me. So I left the room and came back and to his dog all of a sudden guarding him and ready to attack. The dog barking nonstop nor me screaming his name could wake him. I looked at his body facing where I was last sitting..and in that moment, in the door frame...panicked and pissed... I realized how this could be my future. I could have been bitten to death! And he would have been right there - unshakable! I was pretty scared, I'm a really small girl. Then I couldn't get the door open to leave! It was very symbolic. A narrow escape. I peeled outta there just to spite (no one I guess) and like a bat outta hell. It took me being in psychical danger to make a stronger effort @ NC.
So when I saw him today since then....I wanted to just run him ovverrr!!! Thanks for listening guys
Alcoholism won.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
And being called "judgmental" is a soft spot because that was what A would always say to make me feel guilty
and he knows that!.....which is why it worked!....gotta hate it eh?! Its great that you recognise this though, that definatly helps when we know our "triggers"....
Glad you are feeling better....SR is a great place to post and let it all out.
Take care Phiz :0)
and he knows that!.....which is why it worked!....gotta hate it eh?! Its great that you recognise this though, that definatly helps when we know our "triggers"....
Glad you are feeling better....SR is a great place to post and let it all out.
Take care Phiz :0)
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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he keeps saying he thinks its wrong of me to judge someone on a "lifestyle choice" and that I'm being unfairly biased based on my ex!
This made me laugh because it is so manipulative of him to say that. Sure it's a lifestyle choice - HIS NOT YOURS.
Your lifestyle choices can be that you do not date chronic pot smokers just like you choose not to date alcoholics. It's a boundary. That is a good thing.
Pot can be addictive and I'd say that if someone smokes it every day they are pretty hooked.
That can be his choice. And yours can be not to even go there.
Good job not falling for that B.S.
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Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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Totally agree. He wants to smoke his pot....fine! He can do as he wants for himself.
You don't want to be with a pot smoker or alcoholic....that's fine for you!
You both have choices, equal choices....if they clash, that's tough!
He goes his way and you go yours.
Stay strong with your boundaries, choices and decisions....they belong to you.
God bless
You don't want to be with a pot smoker or alcoholic....that's fine for you!
You both have choices, equal choices....if they clash, that's tough!
He goes his way and you go yours.
Stay strong with your boundaries, choices and decisions....they belong to you.
God bless
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You all are so awesome!
Wanting- that's so true. I always feel so silly for disregarding someone based the mandals because people in my life judged me very harshly growing up so I always feel like whoa...I better not become that person. But ya no what,
who I want to be with is my choice!
Such a painful lesson, but I am learning it so much with all of this.
Leise- I'm so glad you can relate, I thought for sure everyone was like this girl is either a) certifiably crazy b) so codependent that she's delusional!
Haha.
What do u think that pre-physical response is? I still don't understand what that gut feeling means...its like my body knows its coming soon. So powerfully nerve wracking and indescrisbable!!!
Wanting- that's so true. I always feel so silly for disregarding someone based the mandals because people in my life judged me very harshly growing up so I always feel like whoa...I better not become that person. But ya no what,
who I want to be with is my choice!
Such a painful lesson, but I am learning it so much with all of this.
Leise- I'm so glad you can relate, I thought for sure everyone was like this girl is either a) certifiably crazy b) so codependent that she's delusional!
Haha.
What do u think that pre-physical response is? I still don't understand what that gut feeling means...its like my body knows its coming soon. So powerfully nerve wracking and indescrisbable!!!
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