Day 3 - NC and I want to scream
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Day 3 - NC and I want to scream
I just want to call and yell at him for being so insulting. He sends me these emails where he apologizes for what he did when he was drunk, for what he said when he was drunk, but not for BEING drunk
The fact that he thinks by just not MENTIONING that he was drunk might make me FORGET that he was drunk just makes me so mad. Because really what it comes down to is he's trying to deceive and manipulate me and he's not supposed to do that because he's supposed to be my BEST FRIEND. You don't do that to people you care about! It's so wrong and mean and selfish.
When he drinks and becomes this person, it's like everything I knew about him before was just a dream. Like the person I believed in, the one who made me laugh, the one who made me feel like I was cared about, just went up in a cloud of smoke. It was just smoke to begin with....smoke and mirrors, right?
I've started thinking about getting his things out of my place. I have a lot of his stuff. I don't want to see him though. I don't want to talk to him. My best friend volunteered to return his things for me. Do you think that's ok to do? Involve someone else in this mess?
I almost responded to him last night and today. But I didn't. It would just be hurtful anyway.
The fact that he thinks by just not MENTIONING that he was drunk might make me FORGET that he was drunk just makes me so mad. Because really what it comes down to is he's trying to deceive and manipulate me and he's not supposed to do that because he's supposed to be my BEST FRIEND. You don't do that to people you care about! It's so wrong and mean and selfish.
When he drinks and becomes this person, it's like everything I knew about him before was just a dream. Like the person I believed in, the one who made me laugh, the one who made me feel like I was cared about, just went up in a cloud of smoke. It was just smoke to begin with....smoke and mirrors, right?
I've started thinking about getting his things out of my place. I have a lot of his stuff. I don't want to see him though. I don't want to talk to him. My best friend volunteered to return his things for me. Do you think that's ok to do? Involve someone else in this mess?
I almost responded to him last night and today. But I didn't. It would just be hurtful anyway.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
first off *hugs*...I'd want to scream too if I were in your shoes.
second, print out all those lovely emails and keep them for future reference. You never know when they'll come in handy...don't need to read them, just print, file away and ignore (can you tell I'm in the midst of a legal battle? Document document document!).
third, absolutely involve a third party in this if the said third party is volunteering. You don't have to go into sordid details with this person; just the facts and what you need this person to do. It's OK to lean on friends at times like these. AND, bonus, your STBX may well behave himself when he receives his stuff from your best friend instead of from you. My XAH was all for being mean and abusive to me, but when faced with my family and friends, he was a little shameful kitten.
second, print out all those lovely emails and keep them for future reference. You never know when they'll come in handy...don't need to read them, just print, file away and ignore (can you tell I'm in the midst of a legal battle? Document document document!).
third, absolutely involve a third party in this if the said third party is volunteering. You don't have to go into sordid details with this person; just the facts and what you need this person to do. It's OK to lean on friends at times like these. AND, bonus, your STBX may well behave himself when he receives his stuff from your best friend instead of from you. My XAH was all for being mean and abusive to me, but when faced with my family and friends, he was a little shameful kitten.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Involve someone else in this mess?
If you were planning on staying with him and having contact with him then it would be involving someone in the mess.
But since you are serious and going NC (which I agree w/ Anvil, means stop reading those emails!!!!) then you are involving your friend in the clean-up of the mess, the recovery from the disaster. And I think it is very wise to lean on and accept help from true friends, especially as it will speed you along towards freedom and new healthier habits!
peace-
b
If you were planning on staying with him and having contact with him then it would be involving someone in the mess.
But since you are serious and going NC (which I agree w/ Anvil, means stop reading those emails!!!!) then you are involving your friend in the clean-up of the mess, the recovery from the disaster. And I think it is very wise to lean on and accept help from true friends, especially as it will speed you along towards freedom and new healthier habits!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
hello! definitely stop reading the emails, that is a form of having contact..he can contact YOU.....no, no, no!...I let someone dear and close to me field those things and my phone messages (before all the modern technology) for me.
If you are done, then you are done...box up all that stuff and look at it no more.
Doodle happy, joyous and free everywhere!
If you are done, then you are done...box up all that stuff and look at it no more.
Doodle happy, joyous and free everywhere!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
If you want to be free, KP, try these things:
Get yourself a big cardboard box, or one of those big plastic tubs, or whatever.
Put everything of his in it.
If you have a volunteer to take it back to him, take them up on it. Offer them something in return, like taking them out for a great lunch or something (does double-duty....gets rid of the stuff and a little quality time with friends!)
And block his emails. Your email provider can tell you how to do this, and it's free.
Only YOU know if you've truly had enough, or if you're doing NC for different reasons (punishment, make him change, whatever). I say this because your words still seem to say that you're hoping he'll "see the light" through your actions....he'll see how upset you are....he'll show remorse, etc. I know that I went through at least a zillion NCs before I was finally done with being treated like cr@p and REALLY went NC.
If that's the case, then you'll find out soon enough (as I did) that it doesn't work. But I hate to see you suffer in the meantime.
If you truly want to be free of this pain, you will have to take the steps to stop letting him contact you. The tools are there if you are ready to use them.
And of course, we're here too
Get yourself a big cardboard box, or one of those big plastic tubs, or whatever.
Put everything of his in it.
If you have a volunteer to take it back to him, take them up on it. Offer them something in return, like taking them out for a great lunch or something (does double-duty....gets rid of the stuff and a little quality time with friends!)
And block his emails. Your email provider can tell you how to do this, and it's free.
Only YOU know if you've truly had enough, or if you're doing NC for different reasons (punishment, make him change, whatever). I say this because your words still seem to say that you're hoping he'll "see the light" through your actions....he'll see how upset you are....he'll show remorse, etc. I know that I went through at least a zillion NCs before I was finally done with being treated like cr@p and REALLY went NC.
If that's the case, then you'll find out soon enough (as I did) that it doesn't work. But I hate to see you suffer in the meantime.
If you truly want to be free of this pain, you will have to take the steps to stop letting him contact you. The tools are there if you are ready to use them.
And of course, we're here too
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well I used a 3rd person to ask XABF about a beautiful vase by a Nordic designer.. I couldnt find when I moved out!
Then the 3rd person told me "oh it was broken in one of his wild parties"
....
I was glad I used the 3rd person or else I would have kicked XABF in the low parts!! I was very angry!! So if you got someone neutral use him or her and send him or her our blessings for being such a great friend.
PS My sister happened to go to Oslo and bought me a new vase! It is larger, more elegant and I love it even more!! I got it on my office desk as a reminder that I dont need XABF or anyone to fill my life with beauty! My loved ones and me can make it by ourselves and it is BETTER!
Then the 3rd person told me "oh it was broken in one of his wild parties"
....
I was glad I used the 3rd person or else I would have kicked XABF in the low parts!! I was very angry!! So if you got someone neutral use him or her and send him or her our blessings for being such a great friend.
PS My sister happened to go to Oslo and bought me a new vase! It is larger, more elegant and I love it even more!! I got it on my office desk as a reminder that I dont need XABF or anyone to fill my life with beauty! My loved ones and me can make it by ourselves and it is BETTER!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Yeah for no contact.....I am doing it myself ....one day at a time.....we can start a "no contact club" and start giving ourselves gold chips....or chocolate chips or cow chips.....I have finally let go.Yeah give ourselves gold cowchips because we don't have to put up with their compost anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Yes Hon, keep using your pedal power to stay clear. Have him on the spam blacklist. I love it when it automatically bounces mail back to people I want NC with.
Of course if you need to keep it for legalities, then open a special file and pop each one he sends, in that file unread of course.
Bundle up his gear, and either have a friend take it to him, or as I had to do, got a courier to do the delivery, as no way was I doing it.
The less you have of his, or anything he can give as a reason for contact, the better.
Bear in mind I am talking A here, which means his reason could be any damn thing that flits thru his mind.
God bless
Of course if you need to keep it for legalities, then open a special file and pop each one he sends, in that file unread of course.
Bundle up his gear, and either have a friend take it to him, or as I had to do, got a courier to do the delivery, as no way was I doing it.
The less you have of his, or anything he can give as a reason for contact, the better.
Bear in mind I am talking A here, which means his reason could be any damn thing that flits thru his mind.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Jordan, MN
Posts: 91
I went through this myself. I was just magnetized to his danged texts and voicemails! I started to delete the texts before even reading them. And the voicemails - my cell wouldn't delete them without my having to hear them first - so I would hit delete immediately when the message would start.
Gone, gone. Nothing to react to. Nothing to respond to. Nothing to be absorbed into my little coconut to be cultivated into a justified crazy chaotic drama episode that just had to be acted upon! Who is it that says, "Stop the Insanity!" Someone has to do it, and that is you.
You don't have to hold your arms out when he is handing you a wheelbarrow full of ****.
Gone, gone. Nothing to react to. Nothing to respond to. Nothing to be absorbed into my little coconut to be cultivated into a justified crazy chaotic drama episode that just had to be acted upon! Who is it that says, "Stop the Insanity!" Someone has to do it, and that is you.
You don't have to hold your arms out when he is handing you a wheelbarrow full of ****.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When he drinks and becomes this person, it's like everything I knew about him before was just a dream.
Like the person I believed in
the one who made me laugh
the one who made me feel like I was cared about
It was just smoke to begin with....smoke and mirrors, right?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
replying keeps you in the madness. Get your friend to bring his stuff to him
When my ex and I ended it, I just left all his stuff on his front porch and that was killer.
The stuff he had of mine, I just never asked for it back, Made it easier
When my ex and I ended it, I just left all his stuff on his front porch and that was killer.
The stuff he had of mine, I just never asked for it back, Made it easier
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