sofacat

As some of you may know, I have had the flu for a few days.
I tried to work today, but had to leave because I am sick.

Anywhoo......I came home early and there was Mr. Sofa, lying on the sofa! Watching the Olympics.

So I said hello and asked what was going on and he said he was waiting for the mail to come. Again.

So I sat with him for a few minutes to chat and I noticed his pupils were tiny. The curtains were closed, the room was dim. He went on to talk about how well he was doing and I just couldn't do it.....I said "Dude, your pupils are tiny. What are you doing? Things can change for you if you want them to." And with that...he got up and left.

So I decided to send him a text saying to him "You have choices, and you don't have to be anywhere you don't want to be....There are people who support you and love you, you just have to want to reach out."

Now, I am not sure what the purpose for that text was. I guess I just wanted to let him know it's okay, and he doesn't have to be stuck. I know, I know. Just one last attempt to plant a good seed. whatever.

But his texts were combative and hostile. I remained calm and caring...and he became more angry. What is that? I thought by my progress and change in tone, I may see a different reaction from him. Nope.

This all led to....he's moving out on Saturday....I heard the "my life is great" story....and the "i don't know where your head is at?" and "I can't be scrutinized by you" stuff.
I said...."You're broke, your staying at your parents house and your car is a second away from getting Repo'd....that doesn't sound like a great life to me." But he continues to profess he is sober and I am the one who is irrational. He also can't believe that I asked him to contact me first before he came to the house if I wasn't home. He feels I was treating him like a total stranger in "my own house" as he puts it.

Now, deep down I know this is all "quack"....I do....but these guys are good. Kind of a Jedi mind trick. I am now feeling sad (again, I just pulled myself back up 2 days ago) and feeling like maybe he is telling the truth!

Tiny pupils, he's broke, he's defensive with me, he's antagonistic, playing the blame game and completely unaccountable about all of this. Now I know that is NOT a characteristic of someone working the program. I know the other guy when he does.

So why am I feeling so horrible? I guess in a way, I have been stalling the finality in all of this. Staying separated was safer and less resolute. And I was holding on to the hope that he would panic over how close we are to being apart for good and snap out of it. Get help.

But he's not. And as you all know, that just hurts like He!! How can they choose the drug and the lies? How does that work? And why would they go so far to hurt the ones they love with their sharp tongues and twisted truths just to protect the secret. Don't they know? Can't they see? It seems I will never understand.

Two steps forward and two steps back. I was feeling strong about all of this, but I guess you never know how strong you are until you are faced with another challenge. I guess I learned today that I have a long way to go.

all this because I came home sick today.

Live

I guess you needed to give it a try another time and see how it is?
I am so sorry you feel badly, I am sure being sick and then having emotional and mental worries just makes things more difficult.

SO, you came home because you needed to take care of you....seen a dr? got meds? chicken soup? fluffy blankies? warm bath to take out the aches? movies and/or books/orCalgon to take you away?

hope you feel better soon on all counts!

sofacat

chick fil A chicken soup, an ice cream sandwich, my fireplace and a fluffy blanket...and the Olympics.

Did I forget to mention that I know have cramps on top of all of it? Meh.

Live

an unwanted trifecta!

For that I must add kleenex and cussing. for me, cussing is very therapeutic.

Seren

so is tearing up kleenex....er.....well the ones you don't have wrapped around your poor nose!

Huge hugs, HG

Callie

Sofa - he's being combative and defensive because he can't fool you anymore. He knows his jig with you is about up. Sounds like you handled it very well and kept your boundaries. Good for you. My husband is choosing drugs over his wife and 2 kids right now. I am shocked, appalled and amazed. It is what it is, though it hurts like he((.

Don't get stuck like I did for a YEAR with him living with his mom and everything status quo. For a YEAR I avoided what was really going on. It wasn't under my roof, so I rationalized just letting it go. At some point you have to take the bull by the horns. It's so easy to come on here and GIVE advice. It's hard as heck to take it. Hope you feel better soon.

Insulated

Oh Callie, I'm sorry. He got up and left? You were screwing up his high! He is looking at his great life through a mind altering substance slant. You KNOW this!! Since you're home sick, why not drag out the ol' codependent no more book? If he really cared for you, he'd be attempting to pamper and nurture you while YOU are feeling under the weather. But, since he's not - you know what to do. Is allowing him to lay around on the sofa "waiting for the mail" acceptable to you? I'm thinking you're going to say " uh, NOOOO!". His life is great at the immediate moment because he's relaxing on a sofa with cable tv and a high....he's on a vacation of sorts. That'll wear off soon, and the ugly will come out. Take care of you so you will be able to ssshhhwwwingg that hula hoop!

starrynite

There's a line from a Green Day song that often replays itself in my head - "So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question but a lesson learned in time."

Not easy being tough and sick at the same time. Take care of you sofa.

want2Bfree325

I'm sorry to hear that you are not feeling well and had to come home to that. I recently went through a similar situation with my now ex-abf. I kept trying one more time to as you said 'plant a good seed'. I also kept telling him that he has choices hoping that he would make the choice I wanted him to make but in reality by using he is making a choice, unfortunately it wasn't the one that I wanted it to be. He also turned the tables said it was all me, I was being irrational, and that he wasn't using..yeah, right...It is mentally exhausting trying to figure out the mind of an addict and why they do what they do, trust me I have been doing it for the past week now and trust me I have gotten myself nowhere beyond feeling more upset and pain. I had to say that I got a kick out of the whole 'Jedi mind trick' analogy. I haven't had to deal with much of the that lately because he is in in jail but I know its coming and to be honest, I'm kind of scared. It seems you tried your best considering the situation and now the best thing that you can do is take care of yourself and try to get better. Just try to take things one day at a time, I know full well at the moment the emotional roller coaster of trying to detach and believe me it's not fun so I totally sympathize with your situation. I am learning though that taking a few steps back is part of the healing process and it shouldn't detract you from starting again to get where you want and need to be. Take care and I hope you feel better

sofacat

Anvil...I just want to tell you that I look forward to your thoughts and advice. You have such a precise way of going straight to the point, and I love it. Thank you. You're right. He has no one in his life "getting in his way"....why wouldn't he be enjoying it all? He made his choice, and I made mine.

Callie-My husband is choosing drugs over his wife and 2 kids right now. I am shocked, appalled and amazed. It is what it is, though it hurts like he((.

I have been following you Callie, and I know this is so very hard on you as well. It's hard on all of us....that's why we do so well here...because we all get it. You're doing great woman, you have had a storm blow through your world and are handling it. Nice work.

I started the separation with a full week of sadness, defeat, insecurity, depression, shock, anger, confusion, loneliness and every other cloudy emotion we can drum up.

But I moved forward and started to climb up and out. I was feeling AMAZING about myself and completely independent. Loved it!

So this little shove off of my high cloud has taken me by surprise. I'm allowed to feel angry and allowed to be insecure from time to time...but the question I am asking myself is WHY am I feeling this way?

I am feeling this way because the man I love is treating me like a total stranger, has shut me out completely, and will not express how he is feeling about all of this- good or bad. There's no "I understand...." or "It's okay...." or any words from a kind place coming from him. It's all sharp and penetrating and meant to be hurtful. All the while he's acting as if he is not angry about any of it. Wa?

I am also feeling this way because I was reaching out to him yesterday and giving him words of encouragement. I am beating myself up about this because I don't have the tools to detach with love. Can I give him words of encouragement, or is that meddling? I am not sure. I am not telling him what to do, giving him the space to make his own decisions....but CAN you say things like

(in my text to him)
" I just wanted to say this. You don't have to be anywhere you don't want to be. You always have a choice and people who love and support you. I know I do."

Is that right to do? It felt right to say....but I'm confused if that is crossing the line or not. Some of you "seniors" may be able to assist with this one.

People need closure. And with this...I have none. I guess the only solid thing I know is that he is choosing to live the lie over there than seek the truth in here. His choice.

My choice? To be away from all the chaos. Away from all the snooping, and staring, and wondering, and crying. Away from wanting to fix it. Away from trying to fix it.

I just really miss the guy who came back from rehab all nice and understanding, and thoughtful and motivated and happy.....I want him back and he is taking TOO long to get there!!!!!!! LOL! I hate this guy. This guy is vengeful and tries to make me feel bad about myself. Not good.

Thank you all for holding me up! I am needing to be confronted right now. So let me have it and on with the show!

tchappy

Hi Sofacat

When I read your post this morning I thought I could have written the exact same post today...exact same feelings and almost the exact same thing happened to me last night.

I understand the feeling of not being able to wrap your mind around how they could lie and just do their jedi mind trick thing. I hear you sister....I HEAR YOU! It is mind boggeling and it just drains me sometimes trying to figure out how their minds work. I'm not going to do it anymore it just is not worth it for my own well being.

We just have to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off when we take these steps backwards and move forward and remind ourselves that WE DESERVE MORE than they are capable of giving us.

I hope you feel better soon with your flu and it will get better. I have faith it will for both of us. :ghug3

Teggie

(((((Sofa))))))

I know how you feel, you know I do. He's trying to break your barriers down. He & my AH are so alike, he also has that grandiose feeling of superiority and thinks everyone else just doesn't understand. And we are the ones with the problem no? We are irrational and insane aren't we? They want us to beleive that so they can continue to use and still keep thier security blanket (aka us) around. Like nobody can see what they do, they think they have it handled so well.

Ditto for the planting seeds of hope. I've done that too, if only so in my mind I know that I spelled out the reasons he had to go, that we wouldn't accept anything less than a rehab & recovery & also to tell him how it was he was acting when he was high and how it affected us because honestly I doubt he knew it. He was prob too stoned to remember any of it.

It's difficult right now because he's acting partially better, in that he's not taking enough pills to be stoned because he has no other options so he's more rational and clearheaded. But the bottom line is he's still taking pills, he's totally lost any trust I had for him and he's not working a recovery. If given the opportunity, experience tells me, he will binge again.

That makes him very dangerous for me to be around because he knows exactly how to yank my chains. It's easy when he's stoned, very hard when he's not.

He sent me a text recently asking why? when he's finally got his meds "regulated" what bad behaviors he's exhibiting bc he thought he was doing really well & was just dumbfounded of my treatment of him.

Like what all he's done prior to this just doesn't exist? OMG....... they just don't get it, thier thinking is irrational.

I have to stay away from him, limited texting is all I can stand right now.

Do you need less contact with him right now? This is obviously hurting you. You coming home and finding him camped out in your space shows an obvious lack of respect. Like they are just going along with our insane lil games. And so comes the whole act/react thing that leaves us confused, unsure and feeling bad.

I know how you feel about hoping that making them leave and face thier consequences would be what helps them discover the need to get better. I am still waiting too, and the choice has been made & it's obviously not the kids and me. And yes it hurts, it hurts like heck that he chooses his life as it is with pills rather than a sober life with his family.

So what does this tell us? That we need to keep waiting? I think we need to keep moving foreward and claim back our lives. We need to live for us and let them live for them.

I'm going to do something I have never done before since being with AH. Some coworkers of mine asked me out to a girls night out next saturday. Gonna head to the city, get a hotel room go out to eat, shop catch some entertainment and have fun. It's been 10 years since I did anything like that. Not going cruising for guys, just gonna hang out with friends.

I actually feel guilty! I don't know why. But I am going anyways. Got my mom to stay with the kiddos.

Hang in there gf, I'm right there with ya,
Teggie

SadlyLost

(((Sofa)))

I'm gonna tell you the same thing you said to me when I wondered how he could choose that life over me and our baby. He left us and you said "someday, you can send him a thank you card." So I say that back to you my friend. It hurts....really hurts, but you know... YOU KNOW it's best without him for now. Here for you if you need to talk.

sofacat

Teggie

I do know you know....our men seemed to have rehearsed from the same playbook.
It's so frustrating sometimes. I have been very good with the no contact thing....I didn't expect to see him here at the house when I came home. But then again, he still hasn't moved out....I guess I have been hanging on too.

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I needed to hear that. It reminds me that I am not unique, I am not crazy....and most importantly I am not alone. What a relief!



Have a fun night out....you have nothing to feel guilty about. You deserve to enjoy yourself and feel like a Girl again!

And Sadly
You're right I did say that...thank you for reminding me (sinister smile here)....
and I will be sure to send him a thank you card when all of this is behind me!
I sure do give good advice, don't I? LOL!

aah1977

It is crazy how much our lives are taking a similar path right now. I don't ave any advice, just wanted to send you a hug because I know how you feel.

sofacat

Hey aah

Did you come home to find your man on the couch watching the Olympics too?

Huggin you back! You doin' ok?

teke

oh sofa, i'm sorry. i know how bad this has to hurt but remember, he's acting like addicts act. btdt. i don't think there is a right or wrong answer, imo, its all about you now and you have to do and say what you need to for you to feel better.

so what, he acted that way. we can say and do whatever we want and can but its sad that most of the time our addicted loved ones just can't hear our hearts. what you are saying is just not registering in his addicted twisted thinking.

i think its ok to keep hope alive but try not to take much of anything he says too personal. its seems to hurt even more when we act with high expectations, looking for a certain reaction, disappointments causes more pain.

try to keep the focus on you and don't be supprized if one day you find him on the sofa again, the same ole song and dance. you and him are in my prayers.

Insulated

sofa.....move the sofa out into the garage. get him some of those change of address cards from the post office and put a lock code on the cable. will that work?

cmhcali

sofa so sorry. You have given me such great advice. The thing I find hardest is that we have to learn to deal and cope and recover from this, while they have there solutions in the forms of pills, opiates and uppers. They have a solution that will tear them down and all we can do is work on ourselves and feel our emotions while they feel nothing. Sad but you are so strong and I admire you for that.

I am just lucky to have a vm of an actual drug deal as a reminder. I was going to erase it like anvil said but I need it to listen to when I get week.

jacksdaughter

Scary, I could have written your post. I have the same situation going on with my son right now and feel the same way never know if what I'm doing is right or worng. So far I have kept the two boundaries I have made but the #2 one is hard as I can't always tell if he's using or not. and like you I loved the guy that came home from rehab and was my son again. He had been gone so long I forgot what he was like and I don't want to lose him again. But I see it a little bit happening but not to the same extreme.
I will say prayers and hold good thoughts for all of us.