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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
New to forum
First time on this site and have found it very informative. Just started Al Anon a few weeks ago to try and help myself. My wife has been drinking excessively for a number of years. It has really gotten bad in the last few months. She is a closet drinker and does not even drink in public anymore. We have two young kids who I feel are in danger every day. I have learned that I need to control my anger and frustration as it only fuels the fire, but I do not know what to do about our family. How do you protect young children from their mother? Picking fights in front of them, driving intoxicated with them, where do I draw the line? Can I draw the line? I have a lot of support from family and friends that have seen what is going on. Of course she blames me and her family blames me. How can I protect my family? In case of divorce, how are the kids protected? Who knows how a custody battle ends.
I feel trapped if anyone has any advice for a newbie.
I feel trapped if anyone has any advice for a newbie.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi Sting and Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found this place.
In case you don't already know about these, let me post the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
The last two are particularly relevant when you're dealing with an alcoholic spouse because the instinctive reaction is to want to help/talk to/control the person's behaviour "for their own good". Obviously, that sort of thing never works. An alcoholic chooses recovery if and when they are ready; sometimes they are never ready.
Seeing as you cannot control your wife (and please don't let yourself get drawn into the Blame Game by her family...remember you didn't CAUSE this!), you can only control yourself.
You have these two children to take care of, and yes, it sounds like you're going to have to protect them from their mother, because she isn't acting responsibly. Yeah, I'd draw a line at driving drunk, or taking care of the children drunk. That's me though.
What about you? What are you willing to live with? What aren't you?
Regarding a custody battle...speak to a lawyer. It REALLY helps to know what your rights and options are.
Keep posting!
In case you don't already know about these, let me post the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
The last two are particularly relevant when you're dealing with an alcoholic spouse because the instinctive reaction is to want to help/talk to/control the person's behaviour "for their own good". Obviously, that sort of thing never works. An alcoholic chooses recovery if and when they are ready; sometimes they are never ready.
Seeing as you cannot control your wife (and please don't let yourself get drawn into the Blame Game by her family...remember you didn't CAUSE this!), you can only control yourself.
You have these two children to take care of, and yes, it sounds like you're going to have to protect them from their mother, because she isn't acting responsibly. Yeah, I'd draw a line at driving drunk, or taking care of the children drunk. That's me though.
What about you? What are you willing to live with? What aren't you?
Regarding a custody battle...speak to a lawyer. It REALLY helps to know what your rights and options are.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello Sting, and welcome to SR.
When I first came here, I had many questions too. I'm glad you are getting support by going to Al-Anon.
Stick around, read as many posts as you can and don't forget to look up in the sticky threads because there's alot of good info there too.
It's nice to meet you, you're not alone.
When I first came here, I had many questions too. I'm glad you are getting support by going to Al-Anon.
Stick around, read as many posts as you can and don't forget to look up in the sticky threads because there's alot of good info there too.
It's nice to meet you, you're not alone.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome 
Can you start taking pictures or gathering evidence? I find it sad you got to protect kids or babies from their own mother but that is when the father comes in and saves the day. It is your duty to protect them and I am glad you are in Al anon and SR. Much healing goes on in this forum every day. Have you read the "Stickies" section?
Can you start taking pictures or gathering evidence? I find it sad you got to protect kids or babies from their own mother but that is when the father comes in and saves the day. It is your duty to protect them and I am glad you are in Al anon and SR. Much healing goes on in this forum every day. Have you read the "Stickies" section?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
We have two young kids who I feel are in danger every day.
I have learned that I need to control my anger and frustration as it only fuels the fire, but I do not know what to do about our family.
How do you protect young children from their mother? Picking fights in front of them, driving intoxicated with them, where do I draw the line? Can I draw the line? I have a lot of support from family and friends that have seen what is going on. Of course she blames me and her family blames me. How can I protect my family? In case of divorce, how are the kids protected? Who knows how a custody battle ends.
Hello, and welcome!
If you feel your kids are in danger, that's number one. Protect them from danger. If it means not leaving the kids unsupervised with mom, so be it.
Hooray for you for learning self control. It's awfully tough!!
How do you protect your kids? It depends. You question of "picking fights in front of them" or "driving intoxicated" are you searching for boundaries. HOORAY! Can you draw the line? H-E-double hockeys YES! You deserve it! Your kids deserve it! Everyone needs boundaries, especially you and your kids at this juncture.
My take is if it harms your kids physically (like driving drunk, or them not getting fed or cared for cuz mom's drunk), that's no contest. Protect them at all costs.
As far as her just being crummy or grumpy or drunk, you get to decide where the lines are.
Do you have a right to say any of the above is unacceptable? Yes. Do you have a right to do anything in your power to protect you and your kids from things you find acceptable? Yes. Can you find what those bottom line things are? Yes.
As far as custody, that is really tough! There are some men on here that have been there, done that and hopefully will pipe up. As was said, collect all the evidence you can and speak with a lawyer before you come out with anything to her.
We believe in you. We are here for you. We are going through it, too.
Stick around. Keep reading.
Hugs,
w
I have learned that I need to control my anger and frustration as it only fuels the fire, but I do not know what to do about our family.
How do you protect young children from their mother? Picking fights in front of them, driving intoxicated with them, where do I draw the line? Can I draw the line? I have a lot of support from family and friends that have seen what is going on. Of course she blames me and her family blames me. How can I protect my family? In case of divorce, how are the kids protected? Who knows how a custody battle ends.
Hello, and welcome!
If you feel your kids are in danger, that's number one. Protect them from danger. If it means not leaving the kids unsupervised with mom, so be it.
Hooray for you for learning self control. It's awfully tough!!
How do you protect your kids? It depends. You question of "picking fights in front of them" or "driving intoxicated" are you searching for boundaries. HOORAY! Can you draw the line? H-E-double hockeys YES! You deserve it! Your kids deserve it! Everyone needs boundaries, especially you and your kids at this juncture.
My take is if it harms your kids physically (like driving drunk, or them not getting fed or cared for cuz mom's drunk), that's no contest. Protect them at all costs.
As far as her just being crummy or grumpy or drunk, you get to decide where the lines are.
Do you have a right to say any of the above is unacceptable? Yes. Do you have a right to do anything in your power to protect you and your kids from things you find acceptable? Yes. Can you find what those bottom line things are? Yes.
As far as custody, that is really tough! There are some men on here that have been there, done that and hopefully will pipe up. As was said, collect all the evidence you can and speak with a lawyer before you come out with anything to her.
We believe in you. We are here for you. We are going through it, too.
Stick around. Keep reading.
Hugs,
w
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 17
Wow, thanks for the responses everyone. I am really struggling with the control and anger issues, but I am doing my best and try to catch myself when I get drawn into a confrontation. This is going to be my biggest personal hurdle. Dealing with this disease can make you crazy and I am really glad that I found this forum. I will keep reading and keep corresponding. I have spoken with a lawyer and going down this path scares me because of the unsure outcome. I am going to work on the detachment and controlling my anger and frustration as I know that this is just stoking the fire.
Thanks All!
Thanks All!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My advice: Take care of yourself. Go to Al-Anon. Make sure you have social supports, someone to vent to. Don't let your anger get out of control. Learn about alcoholism and addiction. Learn about CoDependence. Read Codependent No More. Read the stickies at the top of the forum page. Start documenting what is happening. Don't underestimate her abilities to put up a horrible fight in the divorce just because she is alcoholic (prepare yourself properly).
And don't forget to breathe.
And don't forget to breathe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hello Sting
Welcome to SR
It is your legal moral and parental responsibility to make sure your children are safe.
If your wife is not doing so that is her problem and should not be the childrens
Please step up and take all measures needed to ensure your childrens emotional physical and spitirual safety.
You can take care of your own needs, the kids cant.
What lessons are you going to teach your kids from this? That accepting this behaviour is okay?
If is okay to be scared of the unknown future. Your choice is make some changes or keep things the same. I am really sorry you are going through this. It is aweful.
Welcome to SR
It is your legal moral and parental responsibility to make sure your children are safe.
If your wife is not doing so that is her problem and should not be the childrens
Please step up and take all measures needed to ensure your childrens emotional physical and spitirual safety.
You can take care of your own needs, the kids cant.
What lessons are you going to teach your kids from this? That accepting this behaviour is okay?
If is okay to be scared of the unknown future. Your choice is make some changes or keep things the same. I am really sorry you are going through this. It is aweful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i would suggest telling your wife that it is not acceptable to drive while intoxicated, especially with children in the car, and that if you discover that she is under the influence with driving, you will call the police.
i think with continued attendance in al-anon, and reading informative material, some of the anger will dissipate. it is a study in frustration to continually have reasonable expectations that are being ignored. possibly you keep asking, demanding, or begging her to "cut back" or "stop drinking" or the like. this is akin to asking a chicken to be a goat. this is what she is, and this is what she'll do, until she finds treatment for it. just like any other medical condition.
when you are ready to start formulating some plans, we will be here to give you feedback.
i think with continued attendance in al-anon, and reading informative material, some of the anger will dissipate. it is a study in frustration to continually have reasonable expectations that are being ignored. possibly you keep asking, demanding, or begging her to "cut back" or "stop drinking" or the like. this is akin to asking a chicken to be a goat. this is what she is, and this is what she'll do, until she finds treatment for it. just like any other medical condition.
when you are ready to start formulating some plans, we will be here to give you feedback.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome.
You are moving in the right direction...learning all you can through al-anon,
lawyer and here.
When in relationship with addict...we react.
Hopefully, we get to the place where we LEARN how to act.
Your wife is sick. You must be the leader of your family. It sounds like you will be
able to take charge and not just get sucked down into the riptide of dysfunction.
You are moving in the right direction...learning all you can through al-anon,
lawyer and here.
When in relationship with addict...we react.
Hopefully, we get to the place where we LEARN how to act.
Your wife is sick. You must be the leader of your family. It sounds like you will be
able to take charge and not just get sucked down into the riptide of dysfunction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 25
Hi, I am pretty new here too, but something that I am going through is a nightmare of the beginning of a divorce. My husband has all the money, make sure you have sufficient funds, you need to be able to feed the kids (i have a slush fund), get THE BEST attorney, and let the attorney fight the fight. You're going to need all of your energy for you and the kids. I am reading anything I can get my hands on, go to the al anon as much as you can, and understand that not a lot of your support system, although supportive, may not understand.
Beleive it or not, I started watching Intervention and Celebrity Rehab with my parents, because no one in our family has (thankfully) had to deal with this before me.
Hope this helps, I'm glad you found this website, it has been most helpful for me and will be for you too.
Beleive it or not, I started watching Intervention and Celebrity Rehab with my parents, because no one in our family has (thankfully) had to deal with this before me.
Hope this helps, I'm glad you found this website, it has been most helpful for me and will be for you too.
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