honoryourself

Hey all,
It's been a while since I last posted.. I left my AH back just before Christmas when he went berzerk and was doing drugs and hiding money and all sorts of other fantastic things. He made a suicide threat, the cops came and took him to the hospital for a psych eval (he was very drunk so he had to stay and sober up) and he was released back to the house later that night.
Since then he decided he couldn't afford the mortgage (go figure! and I wasn't paying it like I had been along while I was relegated to my sister's spare bedroom!), and decided he wanted to move out and sell.
Since we couldn't sell in this market without ponying up some 30k which neither of us has, I suggested I take over the house. He was already planning on moving out anyway at this point. I only offered to do this on a contingent basis that he sign a quit claim on our house (we are joint on the mortgage and deed) and we both agree to a separation agreement that outlines our financial obligations etc. Anyway, after a nonstop war for 2 weeks I was able to get him to agree to what I paid $800 for the lawyer to write up, and he did sign it.

He moved out, I moved in, I've spent money and countless hours of labor fixing the place up because I desperately need a roommate to even come close to covering the bills on my own there, as he is not contributing at all.

I had some really emotional days and times when I missed him and I snooped his emails and stuff to see what he was up to from time to time but that has passed now for the most part. I'm still sad over what was lost but I'm beginning to see more clearly just how hellish my life was with him.

I started hanging out with friends and family, and even let a guy buy me a drink on valentines day, haha. I'm feeling more and more free by the moment.

A few years back when I quit a stifling job I was in, I instigated what I called "QuitFest" which entailed trips, fun, wacky parties and asking people to quit one thing in their lives that was holding them back from new experiences or fun. This time, I'm calling it "FreedomFest". I am moving as fast as I can towards freedom from the chains of the marriage I am/was in. His emotional manipulation is so strong it's absurd.

Unfortunately due to our situation there are 3 things tying me to this man still: 1) our dog, whom is in my possession at the moment since I have the house and the yard and he's renting a room from a friend in the city. But he constantly threatens to take the dog back. obviously he knows where to find him
2) our finances. As per the agreement he is in posession of a car in my name we got for him, that is upside down and he's sort of trashed it, but he is supposed to be making the payments on it and keeping it insured etc. I don't want the car because it's a debt not an asset, but he constantly threatens to not pay on it and tells me to come pick it up because he doesn't want it anymore. I don't want that 12k debt either, and if he doesn't pay then I would have to, unless I wanted ruined credit. It stinks. On top of this as per our agreement he's supposed to pay me a few hundred dollars a month for at least 2 years and then to pay off a particular credit card in my name, by at least the min payments per month. This gives me a chance for stress EVERY MONTH because as we all know there's always an excuse, right? UG. It's only been two months--the first month his mother sent me money because he was crying broke. The second month he sent it a day late, but better than I expected.

3) Taxes. O.M.G. I'm the only one who made money and I made decent money.. he worked maybe 2-3 months for a profit from different companies, paid a little taxes, and mostly started two failed businesses in the past year, which I/we sunk all our money into, i'm now carrying 50% or more of the debt, plus my parents are owed a large sum of money that he refuses to pay back from what I can tell. I want to file separately and claim the mortgage interest since I was the one paying everything but if we file together then I get a better deduction and with his business losses I could get back a few more thousand dollars. We are butting heads because he wants 40% of whatever we get back on the return. It's MY tax money!!! I'm the one who paid ALL the taxes, and he wants the money for it! I am stuck in this awful situation with an awful person where I don't want to be done over AGAIN because it damages my sense of self worth so much. Last time I let him get away with something I didn't agree with, I got so physically ill I threw up!
Does anyone else get this??
I told him the best I was willing to do was 70/30 and then even thought after a long standoff that it'd end the negotiations to go to 65/35, even though 90% of the money was paid from my pocket, and I'm the one with the huge mortgage and such.
He refuses to budge and every email and phone call from him is like someone shoving 100000 daggers into my chest. I hate hate hate it.

What do I do? I'm reading threats and absolute disgusting rude emails from this A$$hole and yet financially I really need the money.

What would you do? Let him get what he wants? Throw up and want to die because you let yourself get walked over again???? Just file separately and take the huge hit on the potential return? UG.

The worst thing in the world possibly is reasoning with an A. He thinks he's so right, he thinks he deserves the world, no one else deserves anything, and he can threaten, bully, and twist things in a way that just gets under your skin.

I'm going to play volleyball tonight to get some of the stress out, and hopefully dance tomorrow, and I went tanning twice to almost meditate and warm up from this cold, trying to get my zen back. I have plenty of distractions but I have no way of resolving this and ignoring it won't do either.

I will be so freaking happy when I never have to deal with this person again. For a while I thought I'd miss him, but no longer!

Carol Star

In my divorce the lawyers spelled out everything including credit card debts, car pmt responsibilities,&loans. It is a nightmare for a little while. Even though XAH was responsible for the truck pmt. the dealership would not take my name off and I was scared. I remember calling creditors and explaining stuff.They were all real nice. I did file taxes seperately because I didn't trust him to do it You may have a women's legal group in your area. Some lawyers would talk and give advice free. Onebite of the elephant at a time.....oneinch of the football field at a time.....but get it on paper.....signed....even if it is just from a notary at the bank.

honoryourself

Thanks all, well the thing with the sep. agreement is that he would never have drawn one up. He'd never pay a lawyer though he claimed he had 4..... and he would never sign anything that he didn't think was super beneficial to him despite what it means for me.
So before I paid the lawyer to draw it up, I had to talk things out with him and have him verbally agree (well email) to every single provision. It took so much time and energy as he fought over every single item and I still got screwed. My alternative would have been what? Wait for him to get a lawyer? Wait till divorce court where all the debts (seeing as they are in my name only for the most part) would be my problem, since they aren't considered 'marital'? So it was a scramble to get him to sign something that said he'd pay me ANYTHING towards the debts. I didn't have the time or energy to put anything abuot taxes in there, and he wouldn't have agreed to it anyway, as we can see.
All it says is we have the option to file jointly if we both agree to do so.
The price of freedom.. well if you have an extra 30k, let me know.. because I don't, and if I could afford it I would not have to be linked to him any longer. It's insurmountable on my own at this point.. maybe in a year or two I can get a higher paying job but at the moment I'm tapped out on paying down debts he ran up. I considered bankruptcy but if I want a security clearance ever to make even better money here, they reallllllly frown on that, and it might be impossible. I'd much rather try to make ends meet. So unfortunately at the moment it's a necessary evil.. I just don't know if it's worth the 3-5k difference here, but that's a lot of money..

honoryourself

Obviously I wouldn't be in this position if I hadn't allowed it to happen... so yes you are right about me having a role in this. I trusted, I gave, I allowed debt to occur in my name because he was a foreign national and couldn't get credit here, I supported until I could not support any further and I believed in his promises. When I realized I couldn't do it anymore and the promises were guesses and meaningless to him and that he wasn't what I thought he was, I stopped, so I did the best I could and will not beat myself up over that.
yes, it stinks to have gone from financially responsible to financially ruined. But yes, the decisions that brought us down financially were his, supported by me / my inaction / inability to stop him from spending.
He owes a 100% technically of all our debts, but I absorbed over 50% of them, which was way more than fair. If he pays back what he's supposed to I'd be happy, surprised, but happy. I know I can't count on him for anything, but I also know that if he doesn't come through, I will have to file bankruptcy etc. And I would prefer not to do that, the stress of doing that would be greater I think than the stress of wondering if he'll come through for the next 2 years on his payments.

nodaybut2day

Just wanted to chime in to say that I declared bankruptcy 4 years ago and I'm doing ok. It's taken time to rebuild my credit and clean up my credit report of all the debts XAH accumulated in my name, but at this point, I'm only paying off 1 debt that he "helped" me accumulate. Another 3 years and I'll be good...so perhaps it's not as bas as you think. Perhaps also there's a consummer proposal?

Just throwing ideas out there to see if there's a way for you to feel less stressed out!

honoryourself

No, I know.. I was like thisclose to adopting bankruptcy as a plan to freedom. But when given the opportunity to not have to go that route I'd prefer it, as like I said, obtaining a security clearance can be very difficult after having filed bankruptcy and that's something I may want to do in my line of work. So I'll see if I can pull it off. I figured worst case scenario I have to file anyway, if he doesn't pay what he's supposed to. But hopefully it won't come to that Thanks!