JennyF

Just needed to say where I am right now. Despite thinking I could never have a relationship again with my boyfriend, even if he entered recovery, it seems I'm quite capable of changing my mind. I'm really trying to take this one day at a time...

Six weeks ago, after posting on this forum and really, getting a bit of a wake up call from Wife and Naïve (thank you) I walked away from my ABF as I just couldn't cope with the drinking. He lives 250 miles away so it is easier for me to get some distance and maintain it. I was doing quite well.

However, unbeknownst to me, four weeks ago he experienced partial renal failure. He wasn't hospitalised and after running all the tests (liver, kidney, bloods etc) Dr thinks he will make a full recovery. However, he has been told that he is very lucky and that if he drinks again the consequences could be very serious.

I spoke to him last week and there seems to be a change in his attitude. I don't want to say he is in recovery (feels like tempting fate) but as far as I know he hasn't had a drink since the incident, he has started going to AA, enrolled in a outpatient treatment programme, is looking for a house to rent so that he can move out from living with his mother and taken on a lot more shifts at work. He seems to be in a different place mentally.

I have spoken to him every night for the past week and feel positive about where he is although I am very nervous about jumping back into the game. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to talk to him right now and hear this new attitude.

However, I do know that, that ‘wonderful’ feeling is what I have to guard against. I am starting to feel anxious again, worrying about the future and putting too much focus on him. So today I have suggested that we both take a step back and only speak to each other once a week. I have already told him I will not see him until I am comfortable that he is taking recovery seriously because I just can’t cope with all that heartache again. I haven’t told him when that will be but in my own mind I’m thinking at least six months.

I don’t think I can cut off all contact with him (or rather I don't want to cut off all contact with him!) and I do want to support him from a safe distance. But I know I need to protect myself emotionally.

I’m going round in circles on this one. Am I foolish? Am I putting myself in the line of fire again? Is this too risky? Is it wrong to have hope?

stella27

Hey Jenny, from my reading here, I have learned that the best support for alcoholics in recovery is other recovering alcoholics, so AA and his other program.

I think you answered your own question, though - you asked whether you are putting yourself in the line of fire emotionally, and you described your mental state as

"However, I do know that, that ‘wonderful’ feeling is what I have to guard against. I am starting to feel anxious again, worrying about the future and putting too much focus on him."

If you can be healthy and put some limits on your own feelings, then you can be friendly with him. I guess it's a matter of how deeply you wish to be involved.

JennyF

I think the problem is I love him very much, cannot just be his friend and still hope for the fairy tale ending.

I know that the best people to help him are those who have experienced what he is going through and my hands are truly off his possible recovery.

Support to me means listening to how his day has gone, telling him about mine and just sharing - in fact just enjoying talking to him and laughing with him.

But I just don't know what to do with all these FEELINGS! They have all come flooding back and I've got nowhere to put them because I daren't risk displaying them in case I get hurt all over again. I don't know if I'm making sense because I hardly understand it myself. I am full up with feelings.

Exercise seems to help and I wonder if a just being in contact once a week will help everything die down again until I can see the direction this is going in. I guess I just have to keep saying one day at a time...

Live

I think limiting the phone calls is a great idea!

Jadmack25

There is nothing wrong with general chat, and staying on the side lines while he does what he needs with those he needs. Loving him does not have to be a return to the crazy dance of before, and you can be working on yourself to make sure of that.

Sit and clap his performance, as he goes solo, just stay off the floor.

God bless

JennyF

Thank you Jadmack. I think the positive thing is that he understood why I can't speak to him every day and why I won't see him. He didn't ask for a whole explanation or try to put timelines in place. I feel very comfortable with my decision.

I thank God for this opportunity he has been given and for the wonderful people who are supporting him.

Insulated

Perhaps the relationship is in the process of being modified to a different level, status, ?? This could be a good thing. It could be the beginning of a new type of foundation and growth from that new starting point.

JennyF

I don't know. I can only counsel myself really and stand well back from making observations, judgements or offering advice. I used to be a Samaritan and I worked hard this last week on trying just to listen and not become emotionally involved in what he was telling me. Of course I long to speak to him but he knows how much I love him. I can't offer any tools to help him right now but I can help myself.

It really helps posting here because it holds me in the moment and stops me from playing the tape forward. I know I have to protect my heart.

Some of what I read on here is truly heartbreaking and I am aware I haven't suffered to the extent that others have. But his recovery means an enormous amount to me so would you mind if I asked: if any of you have a spare moment please would you include him in your prayers?

Jadmack25

You are both already in my prayers.

God bless

FindingPeace1

:ghug3

FindingPeace1

Well, wow! That's a lot of change!
:ghug3

You sound like you are in a good place.
I know this will sound trite, but what to do with the feelings is just FEEL them.

If you keep conscious and aware and continue to work on yourself, you can go nowhere but up.