struggling, lonely & seeking clarity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
struggling, lonely & seeking clarity
i have been wanting to post for about a week. i actually did write one, i clicked "submit" and it never showed up. i was dissapointed, but took it as a sign -- it was too dang long anyway, and maybe just the writing helped me.
as many of us here, i can often "talk the talk" way better than i can "walk the talk". and i get discouraged.
my abf has been off unprescribed substances since last october. some of the "addict behavior" still lingered, and after i discovered that he was not taking his prescribed doses of methadone correctly, i told him he needed to leave. (actually had a bag packed and in the car and i allowed him to manipulate me, but with the promise that he would seek treatment)
well i'll be, but he made a phone call the next day. then, holy cow, he told me that he thought he would be leaving the following tuesday. tuesday was actually the appt. with the intake counselor. he was prepared to be taken in, but was told there would be paper pushing, then the wait for an opening. i was wondering if the opening would ever really happen, but after hearing a couple phone calls, and the counselor calling me, i did know that he was on a wait.
he left last tuesday.
i kept sorta waiting for him to not actually follow through with this. i was getting anxious, and wondering how i would respond, how it would play out. he got up one morning a week and a half ago, called the counselor and said yeah, he would be ready to come in the following tuesday. and then he did.
i got a little panicky on that last day, but kept putting one foot in front of the other.
this guy has not held down a "real" job for awhile. oh, he works, and i do not support him financially, but after crashing his car last year, when he is here in town, we pretty much car share.
he is not progressing as quickly as i would have liked. his therapist says he can get to a healthy place, he is able to. i have no clue how long that process might take. i question pretty regularly if i still wanna be in the relationship. i'm tired. i'm just tired.
i want my needs to be met.
i don't wanna abandon him.
i am still resentful.
last week i realized an hour after i got dropped off at work one day that there was something crucial in the trunk of the car. it was really stressful, he did come, but not quite as quickly as i really needed. it almost caused a major problem at work. i was embarrassed. that afternoon he asked if i wanted to talk about my bad day. i didn't wanna dump the blame on him - he didn't do anything wrong - but ya know what? if my car was in my possession, wouldn't have happened. he said "everything turned out just fine. i came as soon as you called. nothing bad happened." but that wasn't the point!! it could have. i realized that i was aggravated because i feel like i'm giving something up. i know it's a little sacrifice, but how many sacrifices do i make in the name of supporting him? i didn't say this, but......he knew it.
last night i got a message that he would drop the car off (today) after doing what he needed to. take the bus back home. all day i was expecting that he would simply not follow through with that. he had a cold, he's broke, he just would not put himself second. at the end of the day (now i'm anxious) i get a text: "car's parked in back. keys behind visor. talk later".
so, i know it's a little thing. it's tiny. but i think what he is trying to do, is build trust. he says he's gonna do something; he actually does. he is trying to take care of me in little ways, i mean he can't make my mortgage payment, but in the ways that he can. the other day he was telling how the place where he's at had no hot water. (what? 30 men living in a place with no hot water all weekend? they should be turned in.) but.....
so i say, "listen, can we just put this on the table? on a scale of 1 to 10 how angry are you with me?" he: "cuz you kicked me out? not. i mean, yeah, i don't like it. but it's my own fault. i'm angry with myself for screwing up. it's not you, it's me, and i know it."
well, there i got long again. after that text this afternoon, and i went out to my car and it was washed and just sitting there and he was nowhere in sight, it made me wonder if he is trying to make amends in the only little ways he can. and i wanted to cry. i don't know what i want. i haven't missed him hardly at all, but now i am home alone, sitting at the computer having cheese and crackers and red wine. and i'm missing him. and i don't know if who he is is good enough. but i know he's trying.
and i'm conflicted.
as many of us here, i can often "talk the talk" way better than i can "walk the talk". and i get discouraged.
my abf has been off unprescribed substances since last october. some of the "addict behavior" still lingered, and after i discovered that he was not taking his prescribed doses of methadone correctly, i told him he needed to leave. (actually had a bag packed and in the car and i allowed him to manipulate me, but with the promise that he would seek treatment)
well i'll be, but he made a phone call the next day. then, holy cow, he told me that he thought he would be leaving the following tuesday. tuesday was actually the appt. with the intake counselor. he was prepared to be taken in, but was told there would be paper pushing, then the wait for an opening. i was wondering if the opening would ever really happen, but after hearing a couple phone calls, and the counselor calling me, i did know that he was on a wait.
he left last tuesday.
i kept sorta waiting for him to not actually follow through with this. i was getting anxious, and wondering how i would respond, how it would play out. he got up one morning a week and a half ago, called the counselor and said yeah, he would be ready to come in the following tuesday. and then he did.
i got a little panicky on that last day, but kept putting one foot in front of the other.
this guy has not held down a "real" job for awhile. oh, he works, and i do not support him financially, but after crashing his car last year, when he is here in town, we pretty much car share.
he is not progressing as quickly as i would have liked. his therapist says he can get to a healthy place, he is able to. i have no clue how long that process might take. i question pretty regularly if i still wanna be in the relationship. i'm tired. i'm just tired.
i want my needs to be met.
i don't wanna abandon him.
i am still resentful.
last week i realized an hour after i got dropped off at work one day that there was something crucial in the trunk of the car. it was really stressful, he did come, but not quite as quickly as i really needed. it almost caused a major problem at work. i was embarrassed. that afternoon he asked if i wanted to talk about my bad day. i didn't wanna dump the blame on him - he didn't do anything wrong - but ya know what? if my car was in my possession, wouldn't have happened. he said "everything turned out just fine. i came as soon as you called. nothing bad happened." but that wasn't the point!! it could have. i realized that i was aggravated because i feel like i'm giving something up. i know it's a little sacrifice, but how many sacrifices do i make in the name of supporting him? i didn't say this, but......he knew it.
last night i got a message that he would drop the car off (today) after doing what he needed to. take the bus back home. all day i was expecting that he would simply not follow through with that. he had a cold, he's broke, he just would not put himself second. at the end of the day (now i'm anxious) i get a text: "car's parked in back. keys behind visor. talk later".
so, i know it's a little thing. it's tiny. but i think what he is trying to do, is build trust. he says he's gonna do something; he actually does. he is trying to take care of me in little ways, i mean he can't make my mortgage payment, but in the ways that he can. the other day he was telling how the place where he's at had no hot water. (what? 30 men living in a place with no hot water all weekend? they should be turned in.) but.....
so i say, "listen, can we just put this on the table? on a scale of 1 to 10 how angry are you with me?" he: "cuz you kicked me out? not. i mean, yeah, i don't like it. but it's my own fault. i'm angry with myself for screwing up. it's not you, it's me, and i know it."
well, there i got long again. after that text this afternoon, and i went out to my car and it was washed and just sitting there and he was nowhere in sight, it made me wonder if he is trying to make amends in the only little ways he can. and i wanted to cry. i don't know what i want. i haven't missed him hardly at all, but now i am home alone, sitting at the computer having cheese and crackers and red wine. and i'm missing him. and i don't know if who he is is good enough. but i know he's trying.
and i'm conflicted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 118
Sorry for your pain, however, what jumped out at me is one issue you speak about is being alone rather than missing a person you love. Sure you miss the person, but, you are conditioned to react to his addiction. You are very clear about not having your needs met.
Perhaps this time alone can be used to take your own inventory regarding what you really need from this person and whether they can fulfill those needs. Or you can just relax take some time for yourself.
There is nothing like space from the person who makes your life crazy to give a person some perspective.
Perhaps this time alone can be used to take your own inventory regarding what you really need from this person and whether they can fulfill those needs. Or you can just relax take some time for yourself.
There is nothing like space from the person who makes your life crazy to give a person some perspective.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
So he's in treatment right now? I thought you said he was but then it looks like he isn't? Pardon my confusion.
If so why not just put this on a shelf for awhile? It doesn't have to be solved today. You don't have to make a decision until you are ready to. And your not ready, if you try to anyway with the feelings your having it won't be right.
Time is what you need to sort through this and come to peace with your decisions. You need time to heal. He needs time to recover. You need time to recover. To me, what you are feeling is natural considering the damage that has been done. Don't rush yourself or overanalyze it. Just keep working on yourself and the rest of this will work itself out.
This too shall pass. I tell myself this every day, sometimes every hour. If it's going to work it will, if not then it won't. Either way we are gonna be ok.
Hugs,
Teggie
If so why not just put this on a shelf for awhile? It doesn't have to be solved today. You don't have to make a decision until you are ready to. And your not ready, if you try to anyway with the feelings your having it won't be right.
Time is what you need to sort through this and come to peace with your decisions. You need time to heal. He needs time to recover. You need time to recover. To me, what you are feeling is natural considering the damage that has been done. Don't rush yourself or overanalyze it. Just keep working on yourself and the rest of this will work itself out.
This too shall pass. I tell myself this every day, sometimes every hour. If it's going to work it will, if not then it won't. Either way we are gonna be ok.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I totally understand the conflict. It's like he's finally doing what he should have been doing all along, but maybe it's too late?
I also agree that this isn't something you can, or should, try to work out in your mind right now. I don't think that's even possible (at least it wouldn't be for me). I'm great about getting stuck into "analysis paralysis" but have learned to reach out to a few very supportive people here that have helped me walk through some of those feelings.
I wish I had more to offer, but I really do understand how you feel. I've had moments where I just didn't realize that getting what I wanted could cause so many mixed emotions
On a good note, in the long run, those are the times I've grown the most.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I also agree that this isn't something you can, or should, try to work out in your mind right now. I don't think that's even possible (at least it wouldn't be for me). I'm great about getting stuck into "analysis paralysis" but have learned to reach out to a few very supportive people here that have helped me walk through some of those feelings.
I wish I had more to offer, but I really do understand how you feel. I've had moments where I just didn't realize that getting what I wanted could cause so many mixed emotions
On a good note, in the long run, those are the times I've grown the most.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
An addict who can't hold down a " real " job and has no car. HUM ?
Why not let him get his life together before you consider him a partner capable of living
in your house + using your car. Stop making his problems your own.
If you resent him using your car, stop. Let him take the bus or get a bike.
Stop driving yourself crazy trying to accept the unacceptable.
Why not let him get his life together before you consider him a partner capable of living
in your house + using your car. Stop making his problems your own.
If you resent him using your car, stop. Let him take the bus or get a bike.
Stop driving yourself crazy trying to accept the unacceptable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
where he is at they call it "inpatient treatment" but it seems more of a halfway house. daily programming, expectations to attend meetings and church.
car not fixed: first, no money. then, earned and set aside money. he's quite the procrastinator - always more front burner things to contend with. now, he doesn't have the steady income to afford insurance, so it is good the car is parked.
the thing is, he is doing better than he has in a long while, after his last lay-off he was, well, like he had a breakdown it hit him so hard. (he felt he was where god wanted him, doing the work that was his calling) anyway, he has ongoing relationships now with medical doctor, a social-worker-type person, pyschotherapy, chiropractor, dentist, psychiatrist. this is a first: taking care of himself.
dual diagnosis - there's been a couple different ones, who knows what it really is, since his drug use has been chronic and long-term.
thank you for the kind words so far. i need to be patient and gentle with myself - i just can't stand being on the fence. and i am just plain sad.
car not fixed: first, no money. then, earned and set aside money. he's quite the procrastinator - always more front burner things to contend with. now, he doesn't have the steady income to afford insurance, so it is good the car is parked.
the thing is, he is doing better than he has in a long while, after his last lay-off he was, well, like he had a breakdown it hit him so hard. (he felt he was where god wanted him, doing the work that was his calling) anyway, he has ongoing relationships now with medical doctor, a social-worker-type person, pyschotherapy, chiropractor, dentist, psychiatrist. this is a first: taking care of himself.
dual diagnosis - there's been a couple different ones, who knows what it really is, since his drug use has been chronic and long-term.
thank you for the kind words so far. i need to be patient and gentle with myself - i just can't stand being on the fence. and i am just plain sad.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Just be careful loaning your car out. Are you fully insured? I'll drive people around I'm hesitant to loan my car out to anyone unless, they've got some stability going on.
Wishing you the best of luck
Wishing you the best of luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2
My husband is that way too. I actually felt like a dog who was given just a little attention and waited around for him to give me more. It never seemed to come. His passivity makes me crazy and I finally got tired of waiting. Recently got into therapy for myself and started exercising; taking care of myself first. It's been great.
I don't have any words of wisdom or advice. I am glad someone else is able to share what I've been going through.
I don't have any words of wisdom or advice. I am glad someone else is able to share what I've been going through.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
You know you didn't come to feel this way about him overnight. So, it will take some time for you to figure out what you really want and need....not what you're supposed to want and need.
Now that he is doing everything you don't expect him to do...things get a bit tricky. You may be feeling guilty for having thoughts about him the way you do right now, but you come by these feelings honestly. He is in recovery, and seems like he realizes this too.
Have you thought about having no contact with him for a little while while he works on his recovery, and you on yours?
The space just may be the best thing for both of you.
One day at a time lady.
Now that he is doing everything you don't expect him to do...things get a bit tricky. You may be feeling guilty for having thoughts about him the way you do right now, but you come by these feelings honestly. He is in recovery, and seems like he realizes this too.
Have you thought about having no contact with him for a little while while he works on his recovery, and you on yours?
The space just may be the best thing for both of you.
One day at a time lady.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
Thanks for posting your feelings. I have been going through something similar and was beginning to think I was crazy. It helps to know others are experiencing the same thing.
I recently had to kick my 32-yr-old daughter out. She was supposedly in recovery for meth addiction, but my son and I both caught her stealing my narcotics (I take them for arthritis) so I asked her to leave (for the second time).
My delimma is that when she goes, then I'm totally resposible for her 4-yr-old daughter. I have legal custody, but I all to readily let her move back in so I have help with my granddaughter.
One of the things that is also really hard is that when she's gone I am totally alone (except for the child). It gets unbearable sometimes, but I try to stop and remind myself how crazy and miserable it is when she lives here. I have to hide anything that I don't want to lose (from medication to money to jewelry) and it's like living in prison in my own home. I then realize that as lonely as I get, I'd rather have the loneliness than the chaos.
I also understand the conflict about the relationship. I swore at one time that I'd have nothing else to do with my daughter...she had abused me so bad. But then again, I love her...she's my daughter and we used to be incredibly close before the drugs came along. She has taught me the true meaning of a "love-hate" relationship.
Good luck on sorting things out. My thoughts will be with you and remember as one other poster said...it doesn't have to be decided today. Just go with your gut feelings and the answers will come with time.
I recently had to kick my 32-yr-old daughter out. She was supposedly in recovery for meth addiction, but my son and I both caught her stealing my narcotics (I take them for arthritis) so I asked her to leave (for the second time).
My delimma is that when she goes, then I'm totally resposible for her 4-yr-old daughter. I have legal custody, but I all to readily let her move back in so I have help with my granddaughter.
One of the things that is also really hard is that when she's gone I am totally alone (except for the child). It gets unbearable sometimes, but I try to stop and remind myself how crazy and miserable it is when she lives here. I have to hide anything that I don't want to lose (from medication to money to jewelry) and it's like living in prison in my own home. I then realize that as lonely as I get, I'd rather have the loneliness than the chaos.
I also understand the conflict about the relationship. I swore at one time that I'd have nothing else to do with my daughter...she had abused me so bad. But then again, I love her...she's my daughter and we used to be incredibly close before the drugs came along. She has taught me the true meaning of a "love-hate" relationship.
Good luck on sorting things out. My thoughts will be with you and remember as one other poster said...it doesn't have to be decided today. Just go with your gut feelings and the answers will come with time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh, thanks again gang.
i feel much better today. mr. and i are making progress, that is, he is depending on me less, and i am "managing" him less. there has been a re-setting of boundaries, over the past year or so, and he knows that i will stick to them. it has definitely caused shifts and we both feel it. but, usually, in a good way.
this morning i needed to be picked up for a dr. appt. the dr. is in his neighborhood so it worked out well for him to go to his clinic this morning, pick me up, then me drop him. he does put gas in the car (but not always enough!) now i will not see him until friday morning before work, and that feels good.
so now i'm questioning if my better spirits are because things went well this a.m. he was in fairly good mood, he sat at the dr office waiting for me and memories of my surgery & chemotherapy came flooding back (as always). going to my oncologist is emotional for me.
i just know i am often mixed up. i sometimes wonder if i will be bored with him when and if the "excitement" goes away. oh, i know i don't wanna worry about him, wonder if he's using, have him livin on the street. but, as i think someone said, maybe i've been trained in responding to the addiction stuff? maybe, as much as those times suck, because coming out of them is such a relief, then....well i can't even say it cuz it sounds so sick.
i think relating to my story, and giving me permission to not be in a rush to decide is what i need most. anvil, you do get it - some of it, anyway. i remember the time that i discovered my daughter had moved to a new level with her boyfriend. i walked in on them. because there was a giant, empty vodka bottle on the floor along with the clothes, it was very, very painful. as much as i am against any violence, when my guy wanted to pick up a baseball bat and have words with this young man, my heart kinda soared. i think it's primal. combining those rougher qualities with his intellect and his softer side, along with the changes (good ones) he has made, keep me "in" and when i am overcome with the past hurts and wonder if he can ever grow quite enough for me, i think maybe i should be "out". and there, on that ol' fence, i sit.
hey leelee, can't your son help out with grand daughter? can you contact the county for assistance? as long as you are taking care of you, perhaps there are services you can take advantage of, like respite care for foster families.
i feel much better today. mr. and i are making progress, that is, he is depending on me less, and i am "managing" him less. there has been a re-setting of boundaries, over the past year or so, and he knows that i will stick to them. it has definitely caused shifts and we both feel it. but, usually, in a good way.
this morning i needed to be picked up for a dr. appt. the dr. is in his neighborhood so it worked out well for him to go to his clinic this morning, pick me up, then me drop him. he does put gas in the car (but not always enough!) now i will not see him until friday morning before work, and that feels good.
so now i'm questioning if my better spirits are because things went well this a.m. he was in fairly good mood, he sat at the dr office waiting for me and memories of my surgery & chemotherapy came flooding back (as always). going to my oncologist is emotional for me.
i just know i am often mixed up. i sometimes wonder if i will be bored with him when and if the "excitement" goes away. oh, i know i don't wanna worry about him, wonder if he's using, have him livin on the street. but, as i think someone said, maybe i've been trained in responding to the addiction stuff? maybe, as much as those times suck, because coming out of them is such a relief, then....well i can't even say it cuz it sounds so sick.
i think relating to my story, and giving me permission to not be in a rush to decide is what i need most. anvil, you do get it - some of it, anyway. i remember the time that i discovered my daughter had moved to a new level with her boyfriend. i walked in on them. because there was a giant, empty vodka bottle on the floor along with the clothes, it was very, very painful. as much as i am against any violence, when my guy wanted to pick up a baseball bat and have words with this young man, my heart kinda soared. i think it's primal. combining those rougher qualities with his intellect and his softer side, along with the changes (good ones) he has made, keep me "in" and when i am overcome with the past hurts and wonder if he can ever grow quite enough for me, i think maybe i should be "out". and there, on that ol' fence, i sit.
hey leelee, can't your son help out with grand daughter? can you contact the county for assistance? as long as you are taking care of you, perhaps there are services you can take advantage of, like respite care for foster families.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Coffee - if your ABF was with you through your sickness do you think you feel like you can't leave him during 'his sickness?' Is some of your guilt and confusion coming from that?
I know I'm hurting alot myself lately. Chugging through a divorce, he's pretty much off in lalaland 24/7. I'm barely getting a chance to speak with him about anything business related and have him be coherant. I would think I'd be furious, this would be the nail in the coffin. I do feel that, but I also feel like I'm leaving the fallen behind to die. There is a really deep connection (albiet not a healthy connection) between us that will always be there. It's there because we've been through ALOT together. Going through cancer is a life changing experience I'm sure - maybe that's part of your struggle?
Maybe you know he's not enough, you want him to be enough but he's just plain not. I feel the exact same way.
I know I'm hurting alot myself lately. Chugging through a divorce, he's pretty much off in lalaland 24/7. I'm barely getting a chance to speak with him about anything business related and have him be coherant. I would think I'd be furious, this would be the nail in the coffin. I do feel that, but I also feel like I'm leaving the fallen behind to die. There is a really deep connection (albiet not a healthy connection) between us that will always be there. It's there because we've been through ALOT together. Going through cancer is a life changing experience I'm sure - maybe that's part of your struggle?
Maybe you know he's not enough, you want him to be enough but he's just plain not. I feel the exact same way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
(((coffee))). Sometimes when we take a position, we think it through in our rational minds, then the emotions and self doubt come seeping through when the act finally does occur. I'm going to admit, that the couple times my D-ABF was in jail, I actually was perfectly content and resented being put in a position to deal with HIS junk. I realized that I didn't miss him like I thought I would and nearly dreaded him coming home. I'd just had it. As for the car? How nice of you. I think you should get AAA because the one time you can't seem to get a hold of him, at least you can have the car towed back to your house. Cheese and crackers and red wine and solitude is a fine way to spend YOUR time. It is theraputic. If you've got misgivings now about being in the relationship, maybe it's outlived it's usefulness for you. Pages 110-111 in UNdependence of the co-dependent no more book may help you center yourself to serve your higher self.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: atlanta
Posts: 90
Coffee, I'm giving you these sage words you told me back to you....
i'm not as far along as itsatruth, but we are in the "rebuilding" phase as well. so i get it about some old clinging wounds, some hope, some reservations, fear, etc.
you don't need to make the big decision today, tomorrow, or even next winter. .
i'm not as far along as itsatruth, but we are in the "rebuilding" phase as well. so i get it about some old clinging wounds, some hope, some reservations, fear, etc.
you don't need to make the big decision today, tomorrow, or even next winter. .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Callie - yes, our cancer experience colors things. but not in a way that i feel indebted or guilty because of it. on the day i told him it was a malignancy, i said "i know you don't like to deal with stuff. i know you wanna turn and run. i'm giving you permission. i can't depend on you emotionally and have you bail on me during this, can't take care of you right now; i need to take care of myself.
so i'm telling you: i can't walk away from this; i have no choice. but you do."
he took my hand and said "i don't have a choice, either." and slept next to my hospital bed for five nights, spoon-fed me, went home with me and cooked and cleaned, and shaved his head after shaving mine. the bond that was already there went so deep - it shaped my life and it shaped his.
Maybe you know he's not enough, you want him to be enough but he's just plain not. I feel the exact same way.
This is exactly it.
Only thing is, I don't quite know if he's not. I feel like I owe it to us both to wait a little longer and see. I just can't figure out how long is that?
Insulated - I have had the feeling of being so glad to have the man in my life just away. It's freeing, and peaceful. That's not exactly it, though. I mean, I'm glad he's not at my house and I love the liberty and independence (and him not smoking in the garage!)
But, I also miss his presence, the warm teddy bear body next to me, the quiet cammaraderie just being at home together brings. It's a double-edged sword, ya know?
I'm seeing my therapist today, and that's always helpful.
so i'm telling you: i can't walk away from this; i have no choice. but you do."
he took my hand and said "i don't have a choice, either." and slept next to my hospital bed for five nights, spoon-fed me, went home with me and cooked and cleaned, and shaved his head after shaving mine. the bond that was already there went so deep - it shaped my life and it shaped his.
Maybe you know he's not enough, you want him to be enough but he's just plain not. I feel the exact same way.
This is exactly it.
Only thing is, I don't quite know if he's not. I feel like I owe it to us both to wait a little longer and see. I just can't figure out how long is that?
Insulated - I have had the feeling of being so glad to have the man in my life just away. It's freeing, and peaceful. That's not exactly it, though. I mean, I'm glad he's not at my house and I love the liberty and independence (and him not smoking in the garage!)
But, I also miss his presence, the warm teddy bear body next to me, the quiet cammaraderie just being at home together brings. It's a double-edged sword, ya know?
I'm seeing my therapist today, and that's always helpful.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Coffee)))
IMO, sometimes we have to think of ourselves FIRST.
Maybe journal, ask yourself what would truly make YOU happy.
All thr worry can't be good for YOUR health, and sometimes I think having an addict around is like a ball and chain holding us down.
(which I just realized is pretty funny, since my addict son is in prison...ball and chain, get it? LOL)
hugs and hugs.
YOU FIRST. two words.
IMO, sometimes we have to think of ourselves FIRST.
Maybe journal, ask yourself what would truly make YOU happy.
All thr worry can't be good for YOUR health, and sometimes I think having an addict around is like a ball and chain holding us down.
(which I just realized is pretty funny, since my addict son is in prison...ball and chain, get it? LOL)
hugs and hugs.
YOU FIRST. two words.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i have been sitting here with my morning coffee and reading old threads.
i thought it might be therapuetic.
i brought this one up because it is a great reminder of not needing to push agendas, of not needing to know the future at this moment, and of just being patient and letting things unfold. a reminder that things will unfold, in their own good time, and that we can be ok with that.
hindsight is always so helpful. i now know that the long and painful extrication from my relationship played out just the way it was supposed to. i would never want to go through that again, and i won't! ever. but i learned so, so much.
and having some of you wonderful people there with me, helping, encouraging, comforting....well it's hard to find words to express how that too has impacted me.
here's the best reminder. as melody says,
"you are exactly where you are supposed to be"
i thought it might be therapuetic.
i brought this one up because it is a great reminder of not needing to push agendas, of not needing to know the future at this moment, and of just being patient and letting things unfold. a reminder that things will unfold, in their own good time, and that we can be ok with that.
hindsight is always so helpful. i now know that the long and painful extrication from my relationship played out just the way it was supposed to. i would never want to go through that again, and i won't! ever. but i learned so, so much.
and having some of you wonderful people there with me, helping, encouraging, comforting....well it's hard to find words to express how that too has impacted me.
here's the best reminder. as melody says,
"you are exactly where you are supposed to be"
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
coffee, thank you so much for revisiting this thread. i was not here in february of this year, and so i would have missed everything posted here if you hadn't. ..
i really needed to read about what you were going through. i don't know that i've synthesized it all yet, but right now i am feeling a lot like what you and others described. . . my bf is in recovery but i'm so mad, hurt, frustrated, and unable to trust him. . . . it is a crappy and strange feeling. i want time away but am pretty scared to ask for it. the thought of ending this relationship is too much for me and gets in the way of what i think it is i need. . . .
anyway, i will keep re-reading this for all the ESH.
i really needed to read about what you were going through. i don't know that i've synthesized it all yet, but right now i am feeling a lot like what you and others described. . . my bf is in recovery but i'm so mad, hurt, frustrated, and unable to trust him. . . . it is a crappy and strange feeling. i want time away but am pretty scared to ask for it. the thought of ending this relationship is too much for me and gets in the way of what i think it is i need. . . .
anyway, i will keep re-reading this for all the ESH.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
hang in there coffeedrinker, know its hard some days. let him get his recovery and prove to you he wants this for the both of you. give it time remember how we needed time to heal from our own illness? I know that us having to deal with our own illness makes things overwhelming with dealing with our loved ones addiction. I went through 2 bouts of cancer myself, I will tell you yes, my ah was there for me, but Im the one who physically did the treatments, you as well. they too have to do their treatments as well. we can be there for them and listen to them, but they are truly the ones who have to endure the treatments/recovery. my ah was there for me both times I was sick, yet I cant be there for him right now, very hard for me to accept this. but I also realize Im the one who did the physical treatments not him.
2 weeks ago I went to my onc.alone first time in 13 years, monday I have a petscan and again going alone. I will be alone to hear the results too. Im scared but I have hope. somehow someway we will get through it. we have to accept change whether good or bad and have hope that things get better for us as well as our addicts.
My ah has not gone for treatment (he did in jan for 4 hours) and I will be there for him if he does (to talk to only), but in the meantime or maybe forever I need to take care of myself, alone or whatever thats what we have to do. I know there are people who will help me if I need it so I can feel somewhat better about that, but fighting the loneliness sucks some days or some hours or some moments.
Its good to let our feelings out and glad you did that, it really touched home but please know we need to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward and not be so hard on ourselves. I hope your feeling better , hang in there
2 weeks ago I went to my onc.alone first time in 13 years, monday I have a petscan and again going alone. I will be alone to hear the results too. Im scared but I have hope. somehow someway we will get through it. we have to accept change whether good or bad and have hope that things get better for us as well as our addicts.
My ah has not gone for treatment (he did in jan for 4 hours) and I will be there for him if he does (to talk to only), but in the meantime or maybe forever I need to take care of myself, alone or whatever thats what we have to do. I know there are people who will help me if I need it so I can feel somewhat better about that, but fighting the loneliness sucks some days or some hours or some moments.
Its good to let our feelings out and glad you did that, it really touched home but please know we need to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward and not be so hard on ourselves. I hope your feeling better , hang in there
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