loringplace

Hi everyone.
I am a Nar-Anon 12-stepper who found your site. As a result of my AStepson's issues (he's in recovery, 19 yo and not in my home) I have been through four years of therapy with my husband. We are both codependent - I grew up in a family with alcoholism, as did he.

Since I found Nar-Anon back in the fall, I've come to the realization that i am super codependent with my husband. I have a sponsor and am working the steps, but I am really struggling with my husband, even though my AS is in recovery and is no longer here, wreaking havoc.

My AS was home after graduation from a 2-year program for only 2 weeks during the holidays. It was bad. My AS is doing better but still has many addict behaviors and lashed out at me inappropriately. My husband was totally enmeshed and still pretty enabling of my AS for that time, and I barely even saw him for the time my AS was home. Everything stops so he can spend time with and caretake for his son. He's still recovering physically from the strain of this event. I stood back and detached as best I could, but it wasn't always pretty. I wish I had more recovery than I did then, but that's where I was at the time - I got angry a couple of times. My husband felt pretty judged and abandoned, because ultimately, I had to go visit a friend for a few days to get a break from it all.

When I came home, there were big fireworks. My husband was furious that I didn't come home to take care of him. I explained that I needed to take care of myself. Two months later, things seemed better - we are back in counseling - but I found out on Valentine's Day that my husband has been harboring a trove of resentment and anger (he always says he is hurt, but he's really mad). I found out because he decided to blow off Valentine's Day entirely.

I was really, truly shocked because he seemed to be happier with me than I had seen him in months. Of course, this was a total blamefest, and I just sat and listened to it. I don't think he sees at all how much of this experience with his son has triggered his past with his family. I am not taking this on - it's his stuff to sort out - but I am beginning to wonder if he is so deep in his denied emotion that he doesn't even know if he really loves me or not? He had to know that his actions would hurt me deeply, and I know hurt people hurt people, but this time seems deliberate and that's hard to process for me. He is leading a very false life with me. I am actually a little afraid of what's under the surface with him emotionally speaking.

I don't know how to move myself out of this stuck space of fear. I am afraid to let myself be open with my husband because I feel I only know the surface he wants me to see. I am praying to my HP for my recovery and his - I am reading my literature, going to meetings and will talk to my sponsor tonight about this. I am going to counseling. I know I'm projecting, but I am also feeling a lack of trust and affection for my husband and it's getting harder and harder to trust him with this stuff going on. Naturally, he's "fine" and has been acting like nothing happened. He apologized and said "I didn't mean to hurt you," but I am having trouble accepting that. And I am still hurt - and I don't know how to let it go.

Ideas?
Thanks.
Loringplace

dreamstones

Welcome Loringplace, you are in another great place to support you through all of this. There are some great folks here and we all have "walked in your shoes" in one form or another.

From my experiences, there always seems to be huge schism when family members deal with this, whether it is the parents, siblings, spouses, etc. One seems to think that they are “helping” by babying, handholding, or treating the alcoholic/addict with kid gloves. On the flip side, there is the hard-a$$ who realizes that you need to let the alcoholic/addict hit rock bottom and either pull themselves up or let them continue their ways without hurting everyone else involved. There is never an easy answer, especially when dealing with kids.

Does your husband go to meetings? It sounds like he doesn’t and should. It is a family disease and while your AS is in recovery, you and hubby need recovery as well.

You have my prayers and I hope your AS gets clean and that you and hubby can work through this.

loringplace

Thank you for your answer - my husband just started a 12-step program (Families Anonymous) because he didn't like my group at Nar-Anon. It's a different program but it's 12 step. I am hopeful that he will continue, but I am beginning to see his manipulation and his "false self" stuff popping up all the time now. He just called me to ask me if I still wanted a ride to an appointment, which I asked for yesterday. I guess that for some reason, he didn't want to do it now, but he didn't actually come out and say that. I didn't rescue him and let him off the hook, but boy oh boy, I feel all the time as if there's something else lurking behind his smile. It must be dreadful to be in his shoes.

It may have been like this for a long time and I may just be seeing it more, but wow, it is a huge schism! You have correctly tagged us as the baby-er (him) and the hard a$$ (me).

I just read something in my Nar-Anon SESH book about negative thoughts that has helped to settle me down again. "If my thoughts are negative and critical I feel a churning and uneasiness. I harm myself and the people around me. When I am critical I am prevented from experiencing the serenity that my Higher Power offers me."

This goes for me, and it also goes for him. I feel as if some of my negativity toward him has lifted since reading this - I don't want to lug it around all day. I love my meetings, I love my sponsor (who is a total godsend) and I am beginning to learn that the answers are there if I can ask for help.

Thanks for being there today!

Gold

Hello welcome to SR

Live

Wow! Does your story ever sound familiar to me..and I wasn't that clear about it at the time...but I still think of when my XH put a post on SR about his addicted son who was in a horrible mess and causing grief and pain to everyone...he posted that he was okay handling it (basically what he said) and that it was a problem to me. LOL
Yeah it was a problem to me..so I put a stop to it in my life.
He was the one deeply involved...and the one being stolen from again and etc and etc, lied to and always on call....
So...he doesn't think it's a problem to him? Not what I was seeing at all!
One of us could turn off the phone and go to bed, the other couldn't/didn't.
Projection, anger, resentment...that's what I see but he didn't and doesn't.
That year when the stepson was out of prison and in our area was hell on earth for us and our marriage.
As you can see we are no longer together and I do feel that this had alot to do with it.
I didn't leave and file for divorce, btw, he did.

loringplace

Whew. That's my big fear - I have been divorced once already. I know the damage that it did to my life and that of my daughter, who's only 11. I am not ready to put her through that, but if we can't work things out, we may have to separate. The situations you describe - not being able to turn off the phone, being on call 24/7, projecting all the anger and resentment on me - that sounds like us exactly. I have done my part by getting extraordinarily angry, making empty threats and acting out to destabilize my husband's faith in me, all in an attempt to control him. Now I know better, but the damage is done.

When a friend of mine is being ponderous, he likes to say "in the fullness of time..." instead of "someday." So in the fullness of time, I expect that my husband will come to recognize that his deep involvement in his son's addict behavior and his codependency with him (and me, and everything else) is creating chaos in his life.

I know my codie ways are making me nuts. I know, too, that if I walked away from this right now, there isn't a judge in the world who wouldn't see it my way. However, I also know that I need to continue in my recovery because I don't want to be putting out into the world all the negativity and control that I have been doing all my life.

His son, meanwhile, has been in Europe on a fabulous program that's basically an upscale halfway house. It's nice and far from our house, which is good, but it's also very expensive. After a month of what I considered vacation from his drama, my husband is already getting the "things are kinda f'd up" calls from his son. This is typical. What's not typical is my husband saying, "well, I can't make him happy/fix that for him." I guess his early incursion into 12-step must be making some headway.

I learned yesterday that my husband is upset with me because I don't seem happy when he talks about his son. I finally had so say "I'm sorry, but I just don't like him. He's not very nice to me..." and he was hurt, but he had to agree. So that's progress, not perfection.


Anyway, thanks for posting. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this stuff as a stepmom.
LP