dragonfli

Not sure where to start. Read quite a bit of what others have to say, and I know I need help, and don't know how to begin...

I have been looking for a place to attend Adult Children of Alcoholics, and cannot find one in my area. Just turned 35 and hate everything about myself. I've never been married, but had a 7 year relationship with an alcoholic, and now I feel trapped in this 9 year relationship. I cannot move forward, fear marriage, fear having children (which I thought I always wanted), fear returning to my hometown in MI where my alcoholic father still lives. I see my neice growing up as I did, and the feelings have resurficed. I lost my job last September, I'm now working part-time, and I'm afraid to start a new job only to 'fail' again.

I've started putting on weight (sure sign of my unhappiness), and I hide from the world. As my birthday was approaching, I was evaluating my exsistance and discovered - I don't know who I am anymore. I no longer do anything I once loved to do, and I question why I'm here. I go between 'blameing' my father, to making excuses for him (and me). I fit most all of the "13", and living with someone who grew up in a Cleaver family, does not understand. I've done most of the self-help, only to fall backwards again. The crazy thing is that I'm the most stable of the 3 children in my family!

I'm sorry for the ramble... I've only had one person to talk about this to, and she suggested I look for an outlet to my past. Funny thing is, there is so much I don't remember. I found I've started to relive the same patterns I had as a child. I go between many of the characteristics described, I don't even know how to classify myself! I don't like ME. I'm not sure who ME is. I really don't like seeing my neice becoming ME. I know I need to start somewhere, I just don't know how. Any suggestion at this point, can do nothing but help.

Thanks for listing to the babble. It's 1:00 here, and I need to start another day of nothingness.

CK:help

journeygal

CK,

I'm so glad you found us.

I felt much as you did a few years ago. It took me a couple of years, but I finally got up the nerve to go into therapy. I did that for two years, I've been coming here a year, and I recently started going to CoDA meetings. And now, I don't hate myself anymore.

You don't have to always feel the way you feel now. It takes a lot of work and it can be very painful digging through the past. But we can't make any progress until we understand how our childhood affected us, come to terms with it, and start making changes to combat the damage that was done.

Look for CoDA meetings or Al-anon meetings, and you may consider counseling. There is a better way to live and you are worth it. Your life matters and you matter.

I hope you keep coming back.

Hugs,
JG

JT

Welcome dragonfli!

You are always welcome here! Journey's suggestions above, as always are good.

Let me say that the past is the past. You have choice of who you want to be today. Small steps forward and short peeks back.

Do you journal? That can be very helpful in getting feelings out. You can pick a memory and work it to death. And then another. You will begin to see a pattern.

You are a valuable person and you have a place in the world. It is common for codependents to feel different, like we do not fit. You are not alone.

Make yourself at home here!

Hugs,
JT

dragonfli

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Small steps. Seems so easy to say, but I have a terrible knack of wanting a quick fix, or results 'today'. I don't journal, because I'm afraid of my fiancé reading it, and I just don't want to have to defend myself, my feelings or my fears to him anymore. He is not an alcoholic, but he is very (very) controlling. This happened over time, and was not always this way. I joined him in his move to Colorado, and that was when things changed for us (for me). My dependancy reared it's ugly head, he took the ball and ran with it. Now it seems like I can't go to the bathroom without him checking to see where I am! Sounds silly, I know. I gave away my independance, now it seems like all our dissagreements stem from my fight to regain my controll.

Are the Al-anon meetings anything like CoDa or ACoA meetings? I have only ever been to Al-anon meets twice, and I must have been 18. I did try counseling - just over a year ago, and her greatest suggestion to me was to get out and live on my own for a while. Too big a step for someone terrified to be alone, so I stopped going to her...

Thanks again. Maybe this will be a way for me to get out what I need to say. This is a wonderful site, and I'm happy to have found it.

CK

journeygal

Hi CK,

There are online diary sites that you can use to journal. That's where I do my journaling, so I don't have to worry about anyone finding and reading it. You should look into it. Journaling has been a valuable tool for my recovery. It's important to have a place to write down your thoughts, vent, examine issues, etc.

The al-anon meetings are similair to CoDA and ACoA, in that they're all based on the 12-step recovery program. The focus may be slightly different, but they all basically teach us to regain our lives and our power and to focus on ourselves, instead of others. You haven't been to al-anon in a long time, so it's probably time to give it another try.

You're right - baby steps are in order. You should get the book"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was the first book I read, and I've read plenty, that really gave me insight into who I am, how I feel, and how I turned out this way. It's a popular book around here and it has greatly helped many of us "codies".

Take care,
JG