Those of you who have cut ties....

Old 02-15-2010, 06:39 PM
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Those of you who have cut ties....

How difficult is cutting ties to a family member who refuses to stop and is in complete denial about their drinking? I really don't want to have to resort to this, but it's getting harder for me to talk to my dad when he is sober, because it's so seldom. The more he's with his AGF, the worse his disposition becomes. I also feel somewhat guilty about even considering this b/c his health is so bad. Where he might not have a lot of time, should I maybe be tougher about boundaries instead?
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Old 02-15-2010, 06:45 PM
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To be completely honest, it's only as difficult as you make it. If you want to go no contact, the steps easy enough to do. Block their calls, avoid them at all costs. It might be more difficult emotionally, which is why it's up to you how difficult it will be.

Setting up boundaries is all fine and good, IF you are willing to stick to them. If one of your boundaries is to not talk to him if he's drunk, it's up to YOU to make that happen. Don't expect the alcoholic to keep your boundaries. Boundaries are for you.
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Old 02-15-2010, 07:47 PM
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I think you need to ask yourself some questions only you can answer. How good a relationship or how good were the feelings between you before he got this bad? Do you hold bad feelings toward him from childhood, etc? How important is it to YOU to maintain some kind of relationship with your dad?

Me? I harbor no bad feelings toward my Dad from anything in my past. And it is very important to me, as part of my own personal value system, to care for him in his old age, the best I can. I am able to recognize and accept him AS A PERSON first and am able to let go of all wants and expectations of him AS MY DAD. These things allow me to roll with the punches, handle getting "the drunk guy" when I get him, and to ENJOY my Dad when he is able to BE my Dad. I don't know if I am making sense here or not; I hope so. But please know that for me, this had nothing to do with, and is nothing even remotely similar to, the boundary work I have had to do with other people in my life, co-workers, alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. It's different with my Dad even than it was with my brother. With my bro, I had to go No Contact and teach him my boundaries. With my Dad, it was more Acceptance than anything else.
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:31 PM
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There are some books that I would recommend to you by Harriet Lerner. "The Dance of Pain," "The Dance of Fear," and "The Dance of Intimacy." They all really cover the same concepts, but are written from the standpoint of whatever emotion is troubling you. They are all about establishing boundaries with members of our family of origin, without cutting them out completely. And about how this kind of healing fosters healing in our lives in general and in our other relationships. They were very eye-opening to me.

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Old 02-15-2010, 10:09 PM
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Hi PuzzledinTX, I'm an ACoA who has pretty much cut off her AF. He is sober a fair amount these days, but also in complete denial about his alcoholism. Also in complete denial that he is in any way responsible for his choices/actions/behavior while drunk, because if he doesn't remember it, then it didn't happen - to him or to the other people involved.

lol, the chip on my shoulder is still fresh. But for me, this is what I can't emotionally bear about my AF, sober or not. but the crux of it is that his health is also deteriorating, he still chooses to drink and smoke and would do so nonstop if he could. I definitely relate to this guilt, and it also prevented me from standing up for myself or vocalizing my misery in being forced to stand and watch him self-destruct.

Cutting off ties was very difficult - largely because after I did this, there was a cascade of other family members who stopped putting effort into me. To some extent I am responsible for this, as I have maintained with all my family members that I will not call/visit/etc. if it means having to deal with him. I am happy and eager to do so otherwise. This puts an added pressure on them, as they are struggling just as I did to balance the recipe of guilt, denial, silence, and defeat that living with my AF entails. But for my own sanity, I prefer not to deal with him if I am trying to get a hold of you. The result has been a gradual loss of family connections, which I was not prepared for.

I have a good relationship with my sister, who also rejects our family dynamic. My mom will still call me, if AF's out of the house. My brother almost never makes an effort to talk to me. I consider both my mom and brother to be under the influence of alcoholism - even though they don't drink, they are still maintaining appearances, putting him to bed when he comes home wasted, making excuses for why his life is particularly hard-done compared to everyone else, etc. They are still victimized by guilt.

Sometimes I am torn in wondering if I am selfish for leaving them there, or if I am more selfish for trying to control them by telling them they should leave/distance/etc. What I have learned here is that other people have a right to make their own decisions and live their own lives. I may not be happy with their choices, but it will be healthier for me to accept that those are their choices than to try and control that outcome.

Perhaps this experience depends on how immeshed the rest of your family is with your AF, and how much of a support network you have outside of alcohol-associated family members. For me, it was a rough time because (a) half of my family is still immeshed, and (b) I moved far away, isolating myself from close friends, and having a very minimal support network to get through the first year of realizing "I have no family".

I also found that I was very uncomfortable hearing other people talk about their families, because it drudged up so much shame for myself in "failing" to have one. Thankfully I've moved forward, past that part of my grief now.

If you can set up and maintain healthy boundaries with your AF that work for you - kudos!!! But if dealing with your AF severely impacts your well-being, then it has become imperative to your health (mental, emotional, physical) that you take care of yourself. It certainly doesn't mean you love him any less.
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Old 02-16-2010, 02:49 AM
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I wish I had the brains to make the situation complicated.....but after many years of trying the only thing I would feel when I was around them is nervousness, pain and a heightened sense of emotional danger uncertainty.

I have a 4 year old he has seen my mother 2 times and has never seen my siblings. Unfortunately I feel the need to keep him from the nonsense.

Makes my life easier.

I did not ask to be born into that family;
I cannot control what the do;
I cannot cure them
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