finder

Senior year, I dated a guy who was addicted to pretty much anything he could get his hands on and now we're back together again. His life was really going down hill and everyone, including his family and closest friends, seemed to think it was no big deal. I guess it was because they were looking at him the whole time. The changes were slow so they didn't really notice, but since I was new I noticed that things weren't right. Things started getting really serious with us and with his addiction. Through a long series of events, I basically ended up being the person who made his family, and eventually his friends, realize that he had a big problem.

So, he started in that never-ending process of going to rehabs and the like, but things only seemed to get worse.
We broke up shortly after I left for college. Even though it was only a half hour away, he was really anxious about it and it exacerbated his existing problems. I loved this boy more than I can say, but I knew that having me around to catch him when he fell only enabled him to keep going. He called me every single day for over three months at least 30 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. After a while the calls dwindled, but he still tried occasionally to talk to me and every time I told him I couldn't talk to him until he was really clean. I worried about him all the time.


Finally, quite a bit later, he went to a halfway house and was really clean and sober. We kept in contact. Both of us were still absolutely in love with each other. After about year and half away from me, he left the halfway house and came back. I was the only person he called. I met up with him and that same day we got back together. He was doing really well. We've been back together for five months now and we actually just celebrated a year of total time together two days ago.
Recently he started going downhill. He is a dual diagnosis (depression, anger, manic anxiety, ADHD) and his mental issues were obviously becoming a huge problem again. I've been a little suspicious of him recently. He's been going out a lot and coming home kind of off. Today, he came home after saying he was going out to skate and he was absolutely off the deep end. Apparently, he had gone out and met up with an old friend who I warned him not to hang out with (probably only because I told him not to. He can be really defiant). He is currently passed out on the couch. Too ****** up to function. He's been staying at my parents' house with me and my mom told him that if he relapsed he was out. Well, he relapsed, so he's out.
My mom and I are currently looking for rehabs and halfway houses for him to head out to. I'm so scared. I don't know what's going to happen when he gets wherever he's going. While we weren't together, he became very promiscuous. I do trust him. Honestly I do, but it just doesn't make me feel very secure to remember what he did before and that he might be in that same environment again. I'm afraid that I won't be able to see him as much and we'll drift apart. I don't want that to happen. I had to be away from him before because of his addiction and I don't want his addiction to tear us apart again. He's not a full fledged, drug fiending crazy person again just yet, so I hope we can deal with this together this time. It's not like he needs to start all over again and hit rock bottom. He just needs to get back on track, so I hope that means I can be there this time. What if I can't, though? I have no intention of leaving him. People who love each other don't just ditch when **** gets tough.
I'm just really scared about what's going to happen. Trust me, I've been through it all before. He was a heroin addict/alcoholic/pill addict/ anything and everything addict. I know the deal, but I could really use some advice, support, encouraging words. Anything.

Done_With_It

He's lying to you, getting kicked out, doing drugs. Sounds like it's pretty much there.

I don't mean to be rude, but your trying to dictate his addiction and what you want. That has to be his decision.

Best advise I can give you is to maybe look inside and start doing some work their also. I would run far away if it were me. I get you love him, and maybe I'm wrong but seems most of your relationship has been with him on drugs, in rehab, or you being afraid of something to do with his addiction.

When we are in active addiction, we need drugs more than anything.

He went and did drugs because he wanted to, You can't keep anyone sober when they want to do drugs.


Others will be along with more advice soon! Glad you found us..

suki44883

What you are supposed to do is take care of yourself. He is a grown man and his addiction is his problem, not yours. He should be the one calling around trying to find a rehab or halfway house. Salvation Army has a free service where he can have a bed and attend meetings to help him stay sober.

I do trust him. Honestly I do, but it just doesn't make me feel very secure to remember what he did before and that he might be in that same environment again.

I truly don't mean to sound condescending, but if it's security you are looking for, you are not going to find it with an addict. Take care of yourself and if he wants to get and stay sober, let him make it happen. You can't do it for him.

finder

I'm sorry, but I feel that that was, in fact, rude. You're advice is that I need to change? Because you think there's something wrong with me being scared about what's going to happen in the future do to the choice that my boyfriend just made?
I'm not trying to control ANYTHING. I know I can't. I've tried in the past and I know it doesn't work. That's the reason I left him in the first place. Because getting clean had to be his choice. If you had paid attention while reading, you would already know that.

I apologize if this seems somehow wrong, but I don't even think you paid attention when you read this. Seriously?
What part of wanting some support during a time when I'm scared about the future of my relationship with someone I love deeply is controlling?
I needed some kind words of encouragement. Support. Instead, I got someone telling me that there's something wrong with me. You honestly just made me cry. I don't know what about that message made you think that I'm some kind of controlling bitch, but to have someone imply that there's something wrong with me during this moment of crisis is really just crushing.
I came here because I needed support. Not because I needed someone who doesn't know hardly anything about me telling me I'm a bad person.
You might be glad I found you guys, but I'm not. I was really holding it together pretty well until I read your message, Done_With_It. Now, I actually feel worse, if that's possible. You took a situation in which I was terrified and actually made it worse. On a forum that's supposed to support people, instead you tore me down. If you had nothing productive to say, I wish you had kept it to yourself, because I'm worse off now than I was before I read your message. This was a really bad first experience here. I'm in a fragile moment and I can't understand why someone would be so insensitive. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just scared.

finder

Thank you, Suki. I realize that I won't be finding security with an addict. That's a good point and something to think about. I really appreciate you not attacking me and actually saying something helpful.

Live

Have you considered al-anon or nar-anon? Addiction is said to be a family disease because those of us living with it are effected. We hope, we try, we hurt and cry.
You could sit quietly or get hugs and face to face support in addition to support here.
It is heartbreaking to lose someone we love to addiction. All too often we set ourselves in the backseat while managing the crises..but the wear and tear gets to us all the same.
I would venture to say that every one of us found this site due to personal pain we were suffering.
There is a network of experience, strength and hope here.
It isn't necessarily hope for victory over the addiction, although that is there often, but it is hope for our lives.
hugs,
Live

Done_With_It

Well I am sorry you were so offended by my post, wasn't my intention.
I never said or implied that you were a bitch or something was wrong with you. I think it is
admirable of you to want to stand by your boyfriend.
My concerns were for you, that is all I meant. I live with an alcoholic, and for myself it can be crazy.
I was a meth addict myself so what I said was my experience. If I were to start doing meth again, no one could determine what would happen. I know it would wake up the active addiction I used to have to it.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you, it is just after reading years of woman who I care about on these forums with men in and out of addiction it is very hard on them. I just had a lot of concern for you when I read your post.
There was no intention of trying to tear you down. I'm not that kind of person. I wish you the best of luck and I am sorry my post upset you.

coffeedrinker

finder,

you are hurting and vulnerable right now. "done" was trying to offer constructive advice, and unfortunately, tone doesn't come across in the written word.

i know what it's like to be supportive of an addict who has fallen off numerous times. it is very scary, and we know that they have had a lifetime of people - even their own families - turning their backs on them. we want to be the one who would not do that to them.

i hope for both your sake that when he gets into a place, he starts building a network of clean and sober friends. i noticed in your post that he seems to have no one. except you. he really needs recovering addicts in his life, people that understand firsthand what the addiction - the cravings, the remorse, the lifestyle - is like. you are the girlfriend, so i hope he can get some of those other needs (counselor, pals, sponsor) met elsewhere.

peace to you

finder

I'm really sorry. I guess I misunderstood. I appreciate you taking the time to clear that up. My emotions are pretty raw right now and I was just jumping to conclusions.
Now that you've explained, I see what you meant the whole time.
Thank you so much. I realize now that your advice is perfectly reasonable, good advice. It's hard to face the truth that, as Suki said, I won't ever be finding security with him and, as you said, this will probably continue to take it's toll on me.
That stuff is hard to hear right now, but at the same time, the things you guys have said are anchoring me. These are things I really need to think about. For some reason, those hard truths are kind of making me feel better. It's something solid to think about instead of wondering what kind of choices he's going to make when he wakes up and what's going to happen to our relationship due to his choices. It's weird, but I almost feel like you guys have armed me with the power to determine what's going to happen to our relationship, too. Like the choices he makes aren't the only things that affect us, but also what I decide to do with his choices.

Live

Yes, you can choose how to respond to his choices and make your own! You cannot control anything about his addiction, but your life is yours..for your choices! He is making the choices for himself already.

Done_With_It

Ahh no worries..... Like Coffee said, tone is hard to type, lol. (thank u coffee) : ]

It IS hard to think about and deal with. I mentioned that I live with an alcoholic, he's not a boyfriend, friend or anything of the sort. Just a roommate who I need to pay his share of the bills right now.
But after his 2nd bottle of tequila after the super bowl I thought I was going to beat him with a pan!
I know he has taken his toll on me, and he is Just a roommate. So I know it is 100 X harder going through what you are. Adding love to it makes it harder and adds the hurt.

When I said take a look inside and do some inside work, I do that all the time.
Before my addiction, after, I think we tend to focus on others and forget to take care of ourselves. So I just meant take care of you first. I never knew how to do that for most of my life.

Your going to be okay girl, stick with us here. We'll make sure of it!!

Exactly! I love the saying, I am the Master of My own universe.......



I hope your feeling a little better.

teke

hi finder.

boy, i love the way you guys worked that out. i agree with done, you have to focus more on you.

i'm a recovering addict and after living 21yrs with an active addict, by the time i found these guys, i thought i was literally insane from worring and being scared for my husband. i had no idea that i had been living in his world all that time and i had totally forgot about me, my health and my sanity.

st first, i could not understand the responses i got from my first post but like you, i soon began to realize that everyone here was here to help me too. we all love someone who's addicted and we all have been effected by the choices of our loved ones and sometimes need just as much help as they do.

i hope you choose to stick around and let us walk with you through all you're going through. these kind and caring people have literally been my lifeline through all i've been through and want nothing more than to be the same for you. you and your boyfriend are in my prayers.

sofacat

teke- "these kind and caring people have literally been my lifeline through all i've been through and want nothing more than to be the same for you."

I can say the same.

You will get some great help and advice here.

Sometimes we need to be confronted, need to be stimulated into forward thinking.
It's hard to make heads or tales out of situations when you in the middle of chaos, panic and worry. You get used to functioning on that level for so long. You find yourself around people that kind of **** their heads to one side, get a droopy look on their face and say "Oh, you poor poor dear."

On here you don't have to be the victim, you have choices. You no longer have to play the supporting role in their horror movie.

You have choices.

And the great folks on here will make you think, move you forward and get you standing up on your own two feet.

Welcome to SR....I am sorry you are here, but I am so glad you found us.

(((((hugs))))))

Spiritual Seeker

Something to think about:
Why are you living together at your mom's house?
It seems it would make sense to wait Until you are both independent, employed, living financially responsible lives, emotionally stable and able to rely on ea. other.
My heart goes out to anyone who suffers with addiction
May your boyfriend recover.

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR, finder. Glad you found this forum. There is so much knowledge and support here. Keep reading and posting. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum... especially "What Addicts Do" ... it will make you cry too... but it is so truthful of an addicts thinking while in active addiction. The more knowledge you have the better decisions you'll be able to make. (((HUGS)))

Teggie

I know you hurt, I know you want to stand by him through this. I know y'all have not been together long enough for some of the experiences we have endured with addicts to be known to you. It's natural for us to say you should run away, we don't wish the heartache and misery of loving an addict on anyone.

Please find a alanon or naranon meeting, there you will find others who know what you are going through. You can learn about detachment and boundries there which are tools you are going to need as you travel through this. Your going to need these tools, your sanity may well depend on it.

My addict has been out of our home for over a month now, and it wasn't because I could'nt stick with it. I love him very much, I let him go because it was best for him. I let him go because I could'nt stand watching him kill himself before mine & our kids eyes.

I had to give him the right and the opportunity to live his life as he wants and deal with whatever consequences occur as a result. Because only he can decide what that path will be.

You can't love them sober, if that were the case none of us would be here because we all, at one time, loved our addicts more than ourselves.

You can however educate yourself on how to take care of yourself and protect your sanity.

Hugs,
Teggie