JACKRUSSELLGIRL

What exactly is detachment and how does someone actually detach? If you detach, aren't you basically tolerating unacceptable behavior and the A just saying, ***** I love this detaching thing, keep it up honey! Does anyone really last that long with active A using detaching?

suki44883

Detachment is for YOU, not for the addict. It enables you to stop obsessing about what the A is doing, by putting your own needs first. It can be a self-defense mechanism if you are unable to leave the situation at the present time. You stop catering to them. You stop doing the dance.

KeepPedaling

So maybe detachment is a baby step - training wheels for learning how to live an independent life?

suki44883

It can be, yes. The thing is, our A's have gotten used to certain creature comforts that we've always provided. Things like holding dinner for them or doing things that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. When we stop doing those things, and stop obsessing about whether or how much they drink, they'll notice and most of the time, they don't like it all that much. When we let them face their own consequences, it makes them uncomfortable. Not that that's why we're doing it.

LaTeeDa

To me, detachment means letting go. Giving up the need to control. Making my own choices and letting others make theirs. Once I did that in my marriage, though, I discovered we were heading in two completely different directions.

L

suki44883

Thanks, LTD! That's a much more succinct way of putting it and with a whole lot less words than I used. LOL!!

tigger11

For me, detachment was no longer getting sucked into his emotional abuse. No longer responding to his tirades by first arguing, then realizing I couldn't "win", and giving up and saying; "I'm sorry" and try to somehow "make up" for what ever he was accusing me of, or berating me about at the time. Instead, I'd listen half heartedly and respond with; "Uh huh" or "okay" or nothing until he ran out of things to say. I went to Al-Anon meetings and got a counselor. I slept on the couch so as not to be in the same stinky room with him.

Cowgirl1265

Good responses so far. For me, detaching has been a journey into NOT controlling. NOT reacting. Letting him be himself, live his own life. Concentrating not on what he is doing, but what I am doing. Enforcing boundaries.

Right now, for me, detaching means not spending every second worrying about what will happen now that he has started dating. Trying to live in the moment and let my HP have the reins so that I can have sanity in my life today, right now.

Detaching doesn't mean I don't care what happens to him, it just means that his problems and crises don't cause me to get derailed right along with him.

Gold

I though detachment was more of a physical measureable action such as removing myself from the presence of drinking person, refusing to have a discussion with them when drunk, Enforcing boundaries rather than empty threats?

cmc

This is taken from a bookmark somebody made for one of the sessions at an Al-Anon convention I attended:

Don't deprive others of the challenge to meet their own responsibilities
Educate anew my thinking patterns. Read conference approved literature.
Think then think again--a friendly silence may be better than speaking.
Attitude changed by being busy with something I enjoy.
Change the subject, leave the room/house or get busy in a physical activity.
Higher power guide my thoughts and let these guide my actions.
Make a plan. Figure out "Plan B" now as a possible alternative if needed.
Establish personal boundaries, not walls.
Not taking personally everything that is said or done.
Take a moment before reacting to behavior--count to 10.

Bernadette

Detaching does not mean tolerating. If I'm involved with an A and constantly in battle over the alcohol and the need for the A to change then I have made the battle between me and the A. When I step off completely and detach, the battle moves closer to being between the A and themself - which is only fair and may nudge them towards recovery after a while (usually a very very long while - if ever!!).

But I don't detach to force that to happen because I can't control any of that. I think for me it always starts with acceptance. Have I accepted that this person is an alcoholic? And so this person will behave the way alcoholics behave and it has nothing to do with me?

That allows me to detach completely from the insanity and take an honest measure of the real value of this relationship and its place in my life.

For me, the reality was that none of my cataloguing, or b*tching, or "helping" was making my bros turn back into their sober selves, or morph into some new marvelous recovered creatures. I had just become part of the cuckoo cycle. When I stepped off it sent the strongest message ever that I will not tolerate their drunken insanity or aid and abet it in any way.

As mentioned above - detaching is for me. I got my life back and a huge portion of my brain that I had been wasting on that merry-go-round became available for me to do with what I choose! They drink, they don't drink? Has nothing to do with me.


peace-
b