I am afraid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I am afraid
That's it, and I know it now. I am afraid, terrified, and paralized. I know my boundaries, I know when they have been violated, but I am afraid to enforce them......
I am afraid that if I enforce my boundary, that the relationship will end....
and therefore, all relationships will end....
because at some point in each relationship I will need to enforce a boundary....
Sometimes I can do it, because I really don't care anymore.....
I am happy that that relationship ends, it is a relief.....
And I have other relationships to get me through.....
But sometimes (like now) I care so much.....
And I don't want it to end....
So I ignore my boundaries.
And I hang on to the relationship with all my might....
because I've been in worse, and I don't know how to have any better....
And I'm tired of being afraid.....
I am afraid that if I enforce my boundary, that the relationship will end....
and therefore, all relationships will end....
because at some point in each relationship I will need to enforce a boundary....
Sometimes I can do it, because I really don't care anymore.....
I am happy that that relationship ends, it is a relief.....
And I have other relationships to get me through.....
But sometimes (like now) I care so much.....
And I don't want it to end....
So I ignore my boundaries.
And I hang on to the relationship with all my might....
because I've been in worse, and I don't know how to have any better....
And I'm tired of being afraid.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Fear of the unknown - if I enforce my boundary, will the person still want to talk to me?
Fear of the known - if I don't enforce my boundary, I will never be able to break the cycle that has held me back and beaten me down for so many years.
The fear of the unknown is always a greater and more powerful fear than the fear of the known. It will elicit more anxiety and is a greater force of change than fear of the known. This is why the threat "or else!" is more powerful than "or I'll sit here and glare at you!". "Or else" is an unknown - but if one asks "Or else what?" usually we find the "else" is rather pathetic.
The only way to become unafraid of the unknown is to get to know it. In this case, that means defending your boundaries, even when it scares the snot out of you. You can not get to know something if you don't allow yourself to experience it.
And really, do you WANT to have relationships with people who would leave you for defining yourself as a separate entity from them? That is what boundary violators do - they make you an extension of themselves - and when you act with some degree of autonomy, they retaliate for your lack of being an extension of them. Is this a relationship you would want to perpetuate? Or would you rather be an independently functioning person who is self-motivated and whose behavior is self-initiated, not by fear, but by your own values, mores, and ethics?
Which is a very very long winded way of saying "Practice makes perfect." You will need to practice defending your boundaries before you can get to really understand what it feels like. Once you know what it is to truly, consistantly, defend your boundaries, it can't be a fear of the unknown anymore. You know what "else" is comprised of, and will discover its really not all that bad.
Offering encouragement.
Fear of the known - if I don't enforce my boundary, I will never be able to break the cycle that has held me back and beaten me down for so many years.
The fear of the unknown is always a greater and more powerful fear than the fear of the known. It will elicit more anxiety and is a greater force of change than fear of the known. This is why the threat "or else!" is more powerful than "or I'll sit here and glare at you!". "Or else" is an unknown - but if one asks "Or else what?" usually we find the "else" is rather pathetic.
The only way to become unafraid of the unknown is to get to know it. In this case, that means defending your boundaries, even when it scares the snot out of you. You can not get to know something if you don't allow yourself to experience it.
And really, do you WANT to have relationships with people who would leave you for defining yourself as a separate entity from them? That is what boundary violators do - they make you an extension of themselves - and when you act with some degree of autonomy, they retaliate for your lack of being an extension of them. Is this a relationship you would want to perpetuate? Or would you rather be an independently functioning person who is self-motivated and whose behavior is self-initiated, not by fear, but by your own values, mores, and ethics?
Which is a very very long winded way of saying "Practice makes perfect." You will need to practice defending your boundaries before you can get to really understand what it feels like. Once you know what it is to truly, consistantly, defend your boundaries, it can't be a fear of the unknown anymore. You know what "else" is comprised of, and will discover its really not all that bad.
Offering encouragement.
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