dark night of the soul
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
dark night of the soul
Yesterday was...powerful.
It followed a day where my AH and I had some good talking AND he lied about a few things and would not back down that he was not telling the truth.
I swam around the idea - he's lying to me. He lies to me.
I felt worse and worse. More detached. Like a part of me was dying.
More in shock.
Empty.
I woke up ALL MIXED UP.
I sobbed uncontrollably in the morning.
Screaming and screaming till I was hoarse after that.
Actually, I have had visions of screaming (no words - just AHHHH!) in my AH's face for a few days when I get mad (rageful, would be more accurate). I haven't felt it would be healthy to do that in his presence. (But now think the impulse is a healthy response to an unhealthy situation.)
I was such a sobbing basketcase in the morning that he left for the day.
I allowed myself to scream.
I think that's the first time ever.
I felt horrible all day. Tight stomach. Not hungry. Depressed. Sore, raw throat (from the screaming). Helpless and hopeless.
Sure that it was NOT a good thing to have allowed myself to get SO worked up.
Then I talked to my mom (gotta love her). I was reminded that I have power over my state of mind.
I had lost that power.
I took it back.
I, almost instantaneously felt better.
Not best, but not like I was going to die of rage and a broken heart.
Today, I heard Joan Borysenko on New Dimensions radio (New Dimensions Media : Changing the World One Broadcast at a Time) and she talked about the "dark night of the soul".
Good stuff!
The cliff notes?
To leave behind something
we have to enter into the "don't know";
we lay fallow
until something new comes.
We have died to who we were
but not yet been born
to who we might be.
It's a sacred space
that is pregnant with The Possible.
But it's dark in there.
It is a grace - this frightening place
because God takes you to a place
that you would not or could not go yourself
Because your ego would prevent you.
The darkness is good
Because your ego can't reconstitute itself.
We have to be grown ups now.
Not to lose our power and give it away
But by asking, what can this person teach me?
Find the power within self and community.
Give it time and patience.
Don't rush it. It's not going to happen overnight.
Don't take on too much.
You can't see what's next. Accept it.
The ego is stopped.
The pitfalls you can't see till you've already fallen in.
Don't despair or get sick.
Get support.
Know you are in a sacred space where transformation occurs.
YouTube - Joan Borysenko on Transformation - Part 3
It's a good place?
Perhaps it was okay to feel so horrible??
I realize I have felt like I can't leave if I am at peace.
Marriage is too important to walk away from, so I have to fall apart to let myself know it is bad enough to leave. I must have to be a wreck. A mess. Out of my mind. Lost. Hopeless. Emotionally bereft.
Then, I have a good enough excuse to leave because that is OBVIOUSLY a messed up head space.
What?
That's not true?
On new dimensions they talked about a guy that left a board of directors seat. He told the group, "I am leaving because there is too much negativity."
That was all. No drama. No question. Just, no thanks.
I thought about that. That it could be conceivable to leave a marriage that way.
No drama.
Full of love.
Clear boundaries.
Because I DO love my husband deeply.
I would LOVE to stay married.
AND I have certain boundaries and things I need.
Honesty and openness, being one.
I don't need to PUNISH him or HATE him or BLAME him
OR traumatize myself
to allow myself to say those things are VERY VERY important.
Important enough to leave for.
But I could leave in love.
I'm not ready to leave, but I am moving toward it, I observe.
I am not in a rush.
I feel way better today.
I feel quieter.
I am going to do art (for me) today.
I dreamed 2 dreams last night.
One in which I struggled to bake a cake and finally said, "I can not make this right."
The second in which a woman from the Middle East was being forced to marry. She was wearing a burqua and could not speak in her fiancee's presence. I said, "She's not allowed to speak in this marriage. That is not right. It is not good for her."
Dreams are powerful, too.
I am shedding my skin.
You can't rush that, can you?
But a new skin is growing underneath - I can feel it.
Hugs to all of you in your own Dark Night of the Soul.
It followed a day where my AH and I had some good talking AND he lied about a few things and would not back down that he was not telling the truth.
I swam around the idea - he's lying to me. He lies to me.
I felt worse and worse. More detached. Like a part of me was dying.
More in shock.
Empty.
I woke up ALL MIXED UP.
I sobbed uncontrollably in the morning.
Screaming and screaming till I was hoarse after that.
Actually, I have had visions of screaming (no words - just AHHHH!) in my AH's face for a few days when I get mad (rageful, would be more accurate). I haven't felt it would be healthy to do that in his presence. (But now think the impulse is a healthy response to an unhealthy situation.)
I was such a sobbing basketcase in the morning that he left for the day.
I allowed myself to scream.
I think that's the first time ever.
I felt horrible all day. Tight stomach. Not hungry. Depressed. Sore, raw throat (from the screaming). Helpless and hopeless.
Sure that it was NOT a good thing to have allowed myself to get SO worked up.
Then I talked to my mom (gotta love her). I was reminded that I have power over my state of mind.
I had lost that power.
I took it back.
I, almost instantaneously felt better.
Not best, but not like I was going to die of rage and a broken heart.
Today, I heard Joan Borysenko on New Dimensions radio (New Dimensions Media : Changing the World One Broadcast at a Time) and she talked about the "dark night of the soul".
Good stuff!
The cliff notes?
To leave behind something
we have to enter into the "don't know";
we lay fallow
until something new comes.
We have died to who we were
but not yet been born
to who we might be.
It's a sacred space
that is pregnant with The Possible.
But it's dark in there.
It is a grace - this frightening place
because God takes you to a place
that you would not or could not go yourself
Because your ego would prevent you.
The darkness is good
Because your ego can't reconstitute itself.
We have to be grown ups now.
Not to lose our power and give it away
But by asking, what can this person teach me?
Find the power within self and community.
Give it time and patience.
Don't rush it. It's not going to happen overnight.
Don't take on too much.
You can't see what's next. Accept it.
The ego is stopped.
The pitfalls you can't see till you've already fallen in.
Don't despair or get sick.
Get support.
Know you are in a sacred space where transformation occurs.
YouTube - Joan Borysenko on Transformation - Part 3
It's a good place?
Perhaps it was okay to feel so horrible??
I realize I have felt like I can't leave if I am at peace.
Marriage is too important to walk away from, so I have to fall apart to let myself know it is bad enough to leave. I must have to be a wreck. A mess. Out of my mind. Lost. Hopeless. Emotionally bereft.
Then, I have a good enough excuse to leave because that is OBVIOUSLY a messed up head space.
What?
That's not true?
On new dimensions they talked about a guy that left a board of directors seat. He told the group, "I am leaving because there is too much negativity."
That was all. No drama. No question. Just, no thanks.
I thought about that. That it could be conceivable to leave a marriage that way.
No drama.
Full of love.
Clear boundaries.
Because I DO love my husband deeply.
I would LOVE to stay married.
AND I have certain boundaries and things I need.
Honesty and openness, being one.
I don't need to PUNISH him or HATE him or BLAME him
OR traumatize myself
to allow myself to say those things are VERY VERY important.
Important enough to leave for.
But I could leave in love.
I'm not ready to leave, but I am moving toward it, I observe.
I am not in a rush.
I feel way better today.
I feel quieter.
I am going to do art (for me) today.
I dreamed 2 dreams last night.
One in which I struggled to bake a cake and finally said, "I can not make this right."
The second in which a woman from the Middle East was being forced to marry. She was wearing a burqua and could not speak in her fiancee's presence. I said, "She's not allowed to speak in this marriage. That is not right. It is not good for her."
Dreams are powerful, too.
I am shedding my skin.
You can't rush that, can you?
But a new skin is growing underneath - I can feel it.
Hugs to all of you in your own Dark Night of the Soul.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
being lied to is betrayal. lies insult our core because we know that we are being lied to and just can't make the off center feeling go away. it's horrible. I always said to my ABF, a liar can't lie to me about telling a lie. Or, you lie so much you believe your own lies. Yeah, the riddles really f'd with his addict riddled brain. but when his head hit that pillow, and he had time digest my sentences - uh, he admitted he was a liar. Of course, my sarcastic response ??? A liar is ADMITTING to being a liar? That's a lie too! Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first try to deceive.
Marriage is a life long commitment. I feel strongly about it too. Yet, I don't think I would be serving my higher power or honoring my higher self by subjecting myself to a chaotic toxic marriage.
Marriage is a life long commitment. I feel strongly about it too. Yet, I don't think I would be serving my higher power or honoring my higher self by subjecting myself to a chaotic toxic marriage.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Wow.
About the cake dream, I would like to interject the follwoing into your dream:
You had read the instructions.
In fact you had memorized them.
You measured and re-measured all the ingredients.
You added them in the perfect order.
The oven was set at the right temperature.
The cake didn't turn out.
You could not have prepared any more or executed any better, but ultimately it just didn't turn out.
That is what has been hard to grasp for me and others I have spoken with. In other areas of our lives, we are successful and we are very good at solving problems. It is disheartening to realize that contrary to what we have all been taught, trying as hard as we possibly can does not ensure that we can make something work. It's a very "adult" lesson. Very sad and painful to accept.
Your post was amazing.
About the cake dream, I would like to interject the follwoing into your dream:
You had read the instructions.
In fact you had memorized them.
You measured and re-measured all the ingredients.
You added them in the perfect order.
The oven was set at the right temperature.
The cake didn't turn out.
You could not have prepared any more or executed any better, but ultimately it just didn't turn out.
That is what has been hard to grasp for me and others I have spoken with. In other areas of our lives, we are successful and we are very good at solving problems. It is disheartening to realize that contrary to what we have all been taught, trying as hard as we possibly can does not ensure that we can make something work. It's a very "adult" lesson. Very sad and painful to accept.
Your post was amazing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by stella27 
Wow.
About the cake dream, I would like to interject the follwoing into your dream:
You had read the instructions.
In fact you had memorized them.
You measured and re-measured all the ingredients.
You added them in the perfect order.
The oven was set at the right temperature.
The cake didn't turn out.
You could not have prepared any more or executed any better, but ultimately it just didn't turn out.
That is what has been hard to grasp for me and others I have spoken with. In other areas of our lives, we are successful and we are very good at solving problems. It is disheartening to realize that contrary to what we have all been taught, trying as hard as we possibly can does not ensure that we can make something work. It's a very "adult" lesson. Very sad and painful to accept.
Your post was amazing.
About the cake dream, I would like to interject the follwoing into your dream:
You had read the instructions.
In fact you had memorized them.
You measured and re-measured all the ingredients.
You added them in the perfect order.
The oven was set at the right temperature.
The cake didn't turn out.
You could not have prepared any more or executed any better, but ultimately it just didn't turn out.
That is what has been hard to grasp for me and others I have spoken with. In other areas of our lives, we are successful and we are very good at solving problems. It is disheartening to realize that contrary to what we have all been taught, trying as hard as we possibly can does not ensure that we can make something work. It's a very "adult" lesson. Very sad and painful to accept.
Your post was amazing.
On the other hand...
I could also argue I always could have executed it better.
I am not perfect.
I am imperfect.
My husband could complain about a slew of things I have done wrong, if he wanted to.
I am not considering leaving because I am perfect and he is not (which is not to say that that is what you were implying).
Joan talked about positive realism in the New Dimensions piece.
She said pessimists attached to seeing things as awful.
Optimists are attached to seeing things as great.
The risk of pessimism is obvious.
The risk of optimism is that if things don't live up to your fantasy, you are crushed.
The job is to be with what IS (realism) while open to possibility of good (positivity).
choose.ws Blog Archive Positive Realism
We are both flawed.
I am trying to stay with: There are just some things I need that I am not getting.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Definitely not saying that you are a good baker and he is a bad cake! Just that you can try and try in every way you know how to (perfect or imperfect) and impelement all the tricks and shortcuts and study the pictures and it still won't work. Even if you and he are both perfect - which of course you are not!
It is true that you can choose not to waste your time on the unattainable cake anymore. Because eventually it might be fun to do something else - like bake a pie or take a nap.
It is true that you can choose not to waste your time on the unattainable cake anymore. Because eventually it might be fun to do something else - like bake a pie or take a nap.
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