Cowgirl1265

Hello my SR friends. I have been (still am) on vacation, I am visiting my parents down in Yuma for a few days, I go home tomorrow.

Things have been going along OK, as you may remember my husband and I separated in August. He's been somewhat territorial and sensitive about making sure that we aren't divorcing yet, in fact a few weeks ago he got sensitive because he saw I was using my maiden name as a middle name on Facebook. But I've just been working on my recovery, going to therapy and coming here. So far I think I'm doing pretty well, but I sure do get triggered from time to time.

I have half joked that I wished he would get a girlfriend and take his focus off of me, but I know that always comes with its own set of difficulties, especially as we have children and children with serious issues (Bipolar, ADHD, anxiety disorder).

Last night I talked to the kids around bedtime as usual and since Sunday is usually bath night, I asked if they'd had their baths. My daughter said that no, they had their bath the night before, at "Kelly's house."

The night before, I had been trying to call the kids for their good night call. I called three times and did not get through, left a message and sent a text just saying I was going to bed but if he got the text before the kids were asleep to have them call. I then tried in the morning and did not reach him, finally around 11 am I did. So now I understand why his phone was off, so when I was done talking to the kids, I said that to him. I probably shouldn't have, but then he accused me of overreacting. I just said that I'm not overreacting, just caught by surprise, and that ultimately, I don't have a problem with it. He texted me later that of course I shouldn't have a problem with it, he was going to have friends and go out. I just responded that of course he had a right to do that and I didn't want to fight about it, and then I turned my phone off.

I have such conflicting emotions right now. I know that he has every right to do this. I don't own him and I can't control his behavior. I know that some of the feelings I am having are sort of ptsd from when he had his affair, and so I am trying to let that feeling of panic and fear just pass without acting on it. I am concerned because of our children's issues, I hope that he is not bringing someone into their lives that will cause difficulty or issues for me as a parent or who will try to tell me how to parent my kids, but again, that's something outside of my control.

So today I'm working on just breathing and letting the feelings flow and using my logical brain to remind me of the things I know and help me pinpoint and "countertalk" the things that aren't reasonable. I know today that I need to come here and talk to you guys where I can let it all out and sort it through.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm jealous. I'm afraid. All normal things to feel. These feelings will be less painful over time, I know this. I don't need to react by trying to call him or tell him what he should or shouldn't do. I can exercise, I can come here, I can listen to music or go for walks with my mom and I can think of other things to help me regulate my emotions and my behavior. I will be OK.

I love you guys, thanks for listening and thanks in advance for the words of wisodm I know you will share.

Insulated

I feel your pain. But realize that he's just recreating the rthyms of marriage with someone else. In a way, it behooves you for him to be with someone else, because it means he leaves you alone. She is merely a transition woman. I know none of this soothes you right now, but it will in the months to come. Besides, I know the best revenge I ever got was when I met my first husbands new gf (10 years younger btw), we formed a surface relationship. She eventually lent to complaining and I waited and waited and then waited for that window of opportunity and then there it was! I said "I'm glad he's using YOUR bathroom for those nuclear BM's now and not mine...good luck with that". I thought my kids were going to pee themselves!

Cowgirl1265

The thought did cross my mind this morning, to feel sorry for her, because if she's dating him right now, she's bitten off a lot.

I need to control this sudden impulse to engage in revenge dating. I am SOOOOOO not ready to date anyone yet. Oh, lordy, it is such a strong, BAD impulse. Bad, bad, bad.

ItsmeAlice

My hugs to you!

I completely understand how on one hand having him out of your hair and firmly planted into the beehive of some other woman is a relief, having another person supporting his side of the divorce and adding their own brand of parenting good or bad to the mix is not desireable. I think feelings of jealousy or hurt by someone moving on can be dealt with in recovery, but there is only so much you can do to reduce its effect on your children.

If they are not already in counseling, maybe that is something that would help. Someone to be a voice for them in working through relationship changes for both parents. You may find someone new as well and it would be a shame to avoid a new relationship out of uncertainty of how it would affect your children. If that makes any sense, I'm feeling a little muddled today myself.

If there were any discussion I would have with him further on what has happened, I think I would tell him that I worried when I couldn't reach the children and I'd ask him to leave his phone on in the future when he is out of the house with the kids. I'd say nothing more on it. I think that's a reasonable request and he would want the same.

Hang in there! You really are doing well with this recovery thing

Alice

stella27

It is going to be a big obstacle for me because of all kinds of things. For one, him getting to be all happy and jolly and live like a single guy while I am a single mom raising 3 children. And it will make me feel like he likes this girl better and picked her over me when in reality, I told him I didn't want to live with him in his current state. Not to mention the impact of HER on our children.

All this to say: yuck.

JenT1968

yes, whilst my head understand that when I stated I was done that he was free to find someone else, my heart isn't ready to have that one sprung on me without warning.

all the "firsts" are difficult, but you handled it fine and you won't have to go through this first again.

TakingCharge999

Trying to have "revenge" or make others feel bad only makes you feel very bad (note my extensive vocabulary LOL) and low at the end. Plus it can happen that you plot a great "revenge" and the ex doesn't notice or notices but doesn't give a damn and keeps on as happy as usual as you never existed at all, and that hurts a lot....

The only way I have gained peace is not playing at all... resist the urge to act. You do not need to 'demonstrate' anything to anyone. I can't talk for everyone of course, but the males in my life have been totally uncapable of spending more than 2 nights alone. Maybe this Kelly is already in our forums and is one of the newcomers "I suspect he may have an issue with drinking and am confused"... maybe you already lent her your hand and your strength? we feel compassion for others starting or riding the rollercoaster online and someone real is no different...

I believe in general we women are turned against each other and we should not fall in that trap...


I hope that he is not bringing someone into their lives that will cause difficulty or issues for me as a parent

Even if there are challenges I'm sure you will cope the best way possible, with elegance, respect, good manners and a strong sense of self

or who will try to tell me how to parent my kids

Maybe she or others will try, it doesn't mean you have to listen, believe or follow anything..


But again, that's something outside of my control.

And like all the other stuff outside our control, we can hand it to HP, tell "him" "here, I wash my hands!! YOU handle it please, in Your wisdom" and go back to enjoying another precious unique day walking on this earth


PS sometimes we suffer for things in the future we dont know will even happen... HERE, NOW, what problem do you have?

coyote21

My axw was living with some poor turd 2 weeks after she moved (btw thank you HP) down by her moms house. My daughter told me all about him, at least he was nice to LMC. Oh and he also had the good sense to beat cheeks after about a month.

You know it didn't really bother me, I guess I was able to compartmentalize it somehow. She'd done plenty of "dating" during our marriage, so it was kinda like "at least it's not on my watch", sort of a thing.

But you know, I really don't believe bringing the kids around is very cool. Seems like they've been through enough. IDK, I do know if I ever do date again, I won't bring them around LMC for a very long while.

Sorry for your pain, all this BS sucks.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Gold

Can you choose to turn this into a positve for your self?
He is seening someoe else FANTASTIC!!. That takes the heat off you. Now he has someone else to blame and use.
You are one freer by another layer.

You dont need a relationship right now because you understand how important it is to heal and find your self that was lost in the relationship. So what if he has someone. I pity her. Dont think about him or "them" Focus on you, your health, your recovery, your kids.

FindingPeace1

Love that attitude!

TakingCharge999

Its funny how obsessed one can be with an ex and their new partner (using that term losely), I have found its not the voice of reality the one I hear during those times, its the voice of self hate.. how perfect, now that I cant compare myself with the "party girls" Mr Jack Daniels, etc, now I can compare with someone more real who I have things in common with and extend my suffering... I read somewhere, us that fear dying are in reality afraid of living... perhaps its the same, fearing stress and drama is in reality fear of joy, peace no matter what. It is our right, something sacred and untouchable

Jadmack25

I haven't had problems like this....Praise God, but 2 of my girls have gone thru troubles with ex's after leaving them, so have some idea of what hurt a few curve balls can do.

I would be telling him that, while you don't give a toss about who he is with, or where, when your kids are in his care, you still get to say goodnight. Not answering his phone is a no no when he has them with him, and if it happens again...they do not get to be with him.

I assume he is allowed to contact them for the "goodnights" when they are with you, so same applies when with him. The "companions, girlfriends, overnighters, whoever are secondary concerns, and in fact will no doubt change quite often anyway, so why bother about them right now?

Stay strong and centred.

God bless

CNMC2C

For what it is worth, I was the "tranisition girl" for my A XBF. I met him 2 months after his divorce from his ex-wife was final. I'm proof that as long as an A is actively drinking, they are always looking for a soft place to fall and someone to take care of everything while they continue to drink the world away. When the A XBF 's ex-wife took their 3 children and moved 2 states away from the A XBF, he was frantically looking for his replacement enabler. Unfortunatley for me, I was a non-knowing codependant whom fell for it hook, line, and sinker for himn and allowed him to leech onto me for over a year until I had had enough and called him on his alcoholism and other insanity. Alcohol rules his life, so he just moved onto his next host/victim/enabler, to make sure that he never had to go a day with any kind of discomfort. I know now that his ex-wife has to be thanking her lucky stars that he met me when he did, so that he could be focused on a shiny object for a while and leave her and the kids alone for a time, just like I now thank my higher power that he moved onto one of the women that he had been cheating on me with. He is all hers, no refund and no returns! I do know that his ex-wife is a fierce protector of her children and makes sure that they have as little contact with their father as possible and knowing what I know now.....I absolutely applaud her for keeping her boundaries and enforcing them where her ex-husband is concerned. I admire her for protecting her family from their active alcoholic father and the trail of wreckage he leaves behind him wherever he goes.

Chrysalis123

I agree with the above. XAH , within an 18 month period, has had 3 different girlfriends. All atleast 20 years younger than him. Weird to think this one was 2 years old, the year XAH and I met. I feel badly for her because she has no clue what she is in for (exactly like me when I was 28 and getting to know him). In fact, the first time my daughter met her she was so drunk XAH had to help her walk into the house. Provided a great opportunity for a talk with my kid.

What bothers me is that he thinks it is a great idea to abandon his kids in favor of the flavor of the month. He has done it now three times and it hurts the kids, makes them feel less than, and sad. The kids are starting to see the dysfunction. One of them said this time," I knew he was getting a new girlfriend when he started hiding his phone, protected his phone and was always texting. I figured next time he had me he would think of a reason not to." And, that is exactly what he did. I was proud of her for having the guts to look at reality and to trust her gut.

I know how hard it is to deal with this. XAH has gotten worse as time goes on. I keep reminding myself his realtionship with the kids is between them. How he decides to conduct himself is for him to decide.

What I can control is me. I journal and vent to others when I am feeling enraged, jealous, less than etc. I get especially angry at myself for staying in the relationship for so long and overlooking all the red flags he showed me in the beginning. I also have moments when I have a complete codie relapse. I remind myself that I can be the reliable, reponsible, loyal, and loving parent. I can give that gift to my kids.