Update, advice needed
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Update, advice needed
Ok, some may remember my saga. Here's the cliff notes version
AW - drank for over 5 years, I found out last April she had a 6 month affair with my best friend, we got back to gether, counseling, she drank agin, DUI, trauma from that ate away at her, last Labor Day she tried to kill herself the day after I told her I was done with the drinking and lying. I came home in time to save her and get an ambulance to pump the sleep meds out of her stomach. She went into psych ward, then rehab. We were separated for 3 months, got back together early December.
She's changed. Her focus on healing is there now. She knows she can never drink again. She says one drink will kill her and she refuses to go there. She's been sober since the day of the suicide attempt. I took her back becuase I felt there might be something there to save. I still struggle over the last five years and the affair is never far from the front of my mind.
This weekend we are going to the Dells. My daughter has a cheer competition there. Last year, prior to my finding out about the affair, we went there with the other guy and his family for the same cheer thing. We had loads of fun, winery, cheer, waterpark. We always did things with this family, they were our closest friends.
The last few weeks I have had mini panic attacks. When I found out about the affiar it was from emails she thought she deleted. In there were spicy ones about her and him just prior to the trip and suggestive things about the trip. I look back at the 6 months the affair happened and it hurts to see I was so blind to it all. They both deserve oscars for keeping it from the group, nobody knew.
I know things are different now. they won't be there but it still brings back bad memories.
His wife knows, they tried counseling but gave up. It was the second affair she knew of. I told her it was his 4th from what I found out after learning of the one with my wife. She buries his indescretion and thinks she doesn't have a life without him. I feel sorry for her.
I am getting over my mini panic attacks, looking ahead and not behind. The problem I have is this.
Another friend in the group had this sleeze join him in a 3-some with his then girlfriend. This guy is a piece of work. A real hardcore alcoholic, single dad with custody of his 14 year old daughter. Image how bad the wife is for him to have custody...
Anyway. he told me about the 3-some. I told the wife her sleeze husband had more affairs than just my wife and the one she knew about 9 years ago. I didn't tell her with whom, don't know why. Now I feel bad for not being truthful to her. I hated how they lied to us and here I am hiding something from her. On top of it. I think the drunk guy knew of the affair the whole time. He and the sleeze always shared stuff and I bet sleeze had to brag he was banging my wife.
I want to confront the drunk and find out if he knew the whole time. I also want to tell the wife about the 3-some.
My wife asked me this. Who is all of this for? Do I need to appease my guilt? Do I want revenge on the drunk?
Honestly. I want sleeze to suffer for the pain I feel. I see him "getting away" with it since his wife didn't divorce him (Yet, I didn't leave me wife). His wife knows there are others, does it matter if she knows about the 3-some (drunk guy still hangs out with them all the time, without her his daughter would be home with drunk dad all the time).
I just don't know what to do. I feel I need to lift this burden and tell her all I know but my wife is right. Did she do anything with the information she has? What will it accomplish?
Advice? Input?
AW - drank for over 5 years, I found out last April she had a 6 month affair with my best friend, we got back to gether, counseling, she drank agin, DUI, trauma from that ate away at her, last Labor Day she tried to kill herself the day after I told her I was done with the drinking and lying. I came home in time to save her and get an ambulance to pump the sleep meds out of her stomach. She went into psych ward, then rehab. We were separated for 3 months, got back together early December.
She's changed. Her focus on healing is there now. She knows she can never drink again. She says one drink will kill her and she refuses to go there. She's been sober since the day of the suicide attempt. I took her back becuase I felt there might be something there to save. I still struggle over the last five years and the affair is never far from the front of my mind.
This weekend we are going to the Dells. My daughter has a cheer competition there. Last year, prior to my finding out about the affair, we went there with the other guy and his family for the same cheer thing. We had loads of fun, winery, cheer, waterpark. We always did things with this family, they were our closest friends.
The last few weeks I have had mini panic attacks. When I found out about the affiar it was from emails she thought she deleted. In there were spicy ones about her and him just prior to the trip and suggestive things about the trip. I look back at the 6 months the affair happened and it hurts to see I was so blind to it all. They both deserve oscars for keeping it from the group, nobody knew.
I know things are different now. they won't be there but it still brings back bad memories.
His wife knows, they tried counseling but gave up. It was the second affair she knew of. I told her it was his 4th from what I found out after learning of the one with my wife. She buries his indescretion and thinks she doesn't have a life without him. I feel sorry for her.
I am getting over my mini panic attacks, looking ahead and not behind. The problem I have is this.
Another friend in the group had this sleeze join him in a 3-some with his then girlfriend. This guy is a piece of work. A real hardcore alcoholic, single dad with custody of his 14 year old daughter. Image how bad the wife is for him to have custody...
Anyway. he told me about the 3-some. I told the wife her sleeze husband had more affairs than just my wife and the one she knew about 9 years ago. I didn't tell her with whom, don't know why. Now I feel bad for not being truthful to her. I hated how they lied to us and here I am hiding something from her. On top of it. I think the drunk guy knew of the affair the whole time. He and the sleeze always shared stuff and I bet sleeze had to brag he was banging my wife.
I want to confront the drunk and find out if he knew the whole time. I also want to tell the wife about the 3-some.
My wife asked me this. Who is all of this for? Do I need to appease my guilt? Do I want revenge on the drunk?
Honestly. I want sleeze to suffer for the pain I feel. I see him "getting away" with it since his wife didn't divorce him (Yet, I didn't leave me wife). His wife knows there are others, does it matter if she knows about the 3-some (drunk guy still hangs out with them all the time, without her his daughter would be home with drunk dad all the time).
I just don't know what to do. I feel I need to lift this burden and tell her all I know but my wife is right. Did she do anything with the information she has? What will it accomplish?
Advice? Input?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Zak, have you thought about going to counseling? There are a lot of knots here that will do you good to untangle -- all of your misdirected anger, mistrust, codependency, all these unhealthy people you keep choosing to interact with, etc. That's a counselor's job....to help you put all of these things in order in your head, sort through them and make sense of them, nstead of giving you psychic panic attacks, losing sleep, raging inside, etc.
Consider it......I know it saved my life.
Consider it......I know it saved my life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
You anger and frustration is understandable; however, how will hurting the wife of the sleeze more make you feel better? She already knows her husband has cheated on her, but does the number of times really matter? Telling her more horrible things you know about her husband won't make you feel better...and it shouldn't. I agree with your wife and her question...why are you really wanting to do this? Reopening old wounds is a huge step backward. It sounds like your wife is taking her recovery to heart and has a pretty healthy point of view. Revenge is not in any way healthy. This guy will get what's coming to him at some point, but it's really not your place to stir up more trouble. Talking with a good counselor can help you lift that burden.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
I think the thing that bothers me the most is the drunk guy is still her friend. She has no idea he asked her husband to do a 3-some with his girlfriend. He is over each weekend, she has no idea.
That bothers me. We don't see these people anymore. I have cut all ties with them and have not called or spoken to them in 6 months. A friend, who is still a part of that group, tells me what I need to know.
Part of my healing has been to be honest. I buried things in the past and my counselor has been working with me on not burying things and saying they don't matter. The hard thing is dealing with something like this.
I know I should leave it alone but it bothers me. I want to be a better person, she is still my friend and I see those she has around her. The ones she thinks are friends and know the lies they are hiding from her to keep her from being hurt more.
That bothers me. We don't see these people anymore. I have cut all ties with them and have not called or spoken to them in 6 months. A friend, who is still a part of that group, tells me what I need to know.
Part of my healing has been to be honest. I buried things in the past and my counselor has been working with me on not burying things and saying they don't matter. The hard thing is dealing with something like this.
I know I should leave it alone but it bothers me. I want to be a better person, she is still my friend and I see those she has around her. The ones she thinks are friends and know the lies they are hiding from her to keep her from being hurt more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
A friend, who is still a part of that group, tells me what I need to know.
Yes, it's horrible. But why is it your responsibility to right the world's wrongs? Don't get me wrong, I have a short fuse and always want to be the one to deliver justice too....but I also play the tape all the way through, and see what the outcomes of my actions will be.
You seem bent on ending this "friend's" marriage, and have convinced yourself it's for their own good. I think you see this already.
Maybe talking through this with a professional would help you redirect this rage/revenge thing into something more productive for your marriage? It's natural for survivors of infidelity to want to take out their anger at their spouse on other people. There might be a better way to do this, though.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
His wife knows there are others, does it matter if she knows about the 3-some
the inner workings of their marriage may be very liberal. not all couples have the same values, morals, principals. If his wife knows, who knows? maybe she does it too and they have an open marriage. I know a LOT of married couples like this. I don't understand or condone it, but they are okay with it. We live in such a loose and devious culture that it could be more hurtful for you to act on this (which I'm thinking may stem from a form of resentment?)
the inner workings of their marriage may be very liberal. not all couples have the same values, morals, principals. If his wife knows, who knows? maybe she does it too and they have an open marriage. I know a LOT of married couples like this. I don't understand or condone it, but they are okay with it. We live in such a loose and devious culture that it could be more hurtful for you to act on this (which I'm thinking may stem from a form of resentment?)
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