BeautifulG

My AH was horribly cruel and humiliating to me during his affair. I had no idea he was capable of that. One of my biggest concerns in trying to reconcile with him is that these personality traits weren't a function of the A but that they are an innate part of him.

please help me understand how alcoholism affects personality characteristics before and after sobriety.

Electa

Hi: I'm not aware that there is a standard effect that alcoholism has on personality, either before or after sobriety. While alcohol certainly has a disinhibitive effect, it seems that the core of one's personality remains independent of alcoholism. Certainly alcoholism can be associated with specific BEHAVIORS, such as aggression, impulsivity, furtiveness, guilt, self-pity and the like, but personality? I do understand that when a drunk acts a certain way, it is erroneous to believe that what you are seeing is the "real" person, acting out their true inclinations due to the disinhibition of alcohol. In these cases, it is the alcohol, and it's effect, you are seeing, rather than the "real" person.

On the other hand, the "dry drunk" syndrome is well known and seems to fit a standard or typical profile. Whether the dry drunk is a personality type, or a constellation of behaviors, I don't feel I have the authority to state. I do know that the alcoholics I've known, whether they were dry or drinking, seemed to be very individual people, with personalities unique to them. Some were jerks, some were just great people, with the only commonality being their alcoholism.

One final comment: I hope you aren't trying to reconcile with someone who is callous and cruel, especially if they have these traits independent of whether they are under the influence of alcohol.

These are just my thoughts. I hope some of what I said is helpful to you.

Electa

BeautifulG

Thanks electra

What I'm trying to sort out is if the callousness and cruel behaviour was b/c of the alcohol or if thats just a side of him that I hadn't seen early in our relationship

lostspirit

I heard this at a talk when my husband was attending inpatient rehab..".What do you have when a drunkin horsethief sobers up...you still have a horsethief" It was at a talk on what to expect when the recovering addict came home. I guess they were warning us all is not fixed by sobering up, which I can attest to. These last few months have been the hardest of my life, but I'm slowly seeing my light at the end of the tunnel. I''ll give you advice I've had a hard time following...concentrate on you and your life moving forward. I repeat the three C's to myself all the time and slowly it's sinking in Take Care K

JenT1968

This might be one of those "only time will tell" sorts of things, and so it might be best to give yourself time to heal from this (with an individual cousellor?) during which time he gets to work on him and his issues, before jumping into any reconcilliation. Keep a clear boundary around your heart, mind and living space, so that whilst open to the possibility of reconcilliation, you are not living a distrustful, anxious life "waiting for the other shoe to drop".

If he's serious about all of this: giving up drinking, mending his marriage, he will give you the time and space you need in order to rebuild the trust he destroyed. He might not like it but I'm sure the present situation isn't all peaches and cream for you either.