Saying hello!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 67
Saying hello!
Hey folks,
Thought I'd get off my duff and post something. I stumbled on this site a few days after I quit drinking -- about four months ago. I was in the middle of a massive anxiety meltdown and I have to say reading all the stories here helped a lot. I'm going to AA, have a sponsor and have started working the steps.
But it's slow going. Speaking at meetings -- or even posting -- is a big deal for me. I self-censor constantly. And I've yet to experience this so-called pink cloud! I'm usually in some kind of funk. Found myself taking a lot of deep breaths even at yesterday's women's meeting, where I'm usually pretty calm. I just felt crappy and didn't say anything because I sure as heck didn't have any hope to share. More like I didn't want to pollute the good vibe in the room.
Bleh. One day at a time, eh?
DD
Thought I'd get off my duff and post something. I stumbled on this site a few days after I quit drinking -- about four months ago. I was in the middle of a massive anxiety meltdown and I have to say reading all the stories here helped a lot. I'm going to AA, have a sponsor and have started working the steps.
But it's slow going. Speaking at meetings -- or even posting -- is a big deal for me. I self-censor constantly. And I've yet to experience this so-called pink cloud! I'm usually in some kind of funk. Found myself taking a lot of deep breaths even at yesterday's women's meeting, where I'm usually pretty calm. I just felt crappy and didn't say anything because I sure as heck didn't have any hope to share. More like I didn't want to pollute the good vibe in the room.
Bleh. One day at a time, eh?
DD
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
praticing the 12 steps doesnt change the world i live in.
but it did change the way i looked at it.
how the step work coming on?......hows the inventory or amends doing?
this is all stuff my sponsor would say if i was a bit "flat"....
life dont turn into a pink fluffy cloud imo.
its tough sometimes........juggling bills......getting enough work.....this and that.....
but hey guess what........i do all that without drinking.....
for me thats quite something.........a hopeless gutter drunk......paying bills and getting responsible......
early step work for me was a roller coaster ride sometimes.....
but it couldnt ever be as big as the one i just got off.........
but it did change the way i looked at it.
how the step work coming on?......hows the inventory or amends doing?
this is all stuff my sponsor would say if i was a bit "flat"....
life dont turn into a pink fluffy cloud imo.
its tough sometimes........juggling bills......getting enough work.....this and that.....
but hey guess what........i do all that without drinking.....
for me thats quite something.........a hopeless gutter drunk......paying bills and getting responsible......
early step work for me was a roller coaster ride sometimes.....
but it couldnt ever be as big as the one i just got off.........
Ddog 
...welcome..Oz..
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Doodledog and welcome
There are many promises in the Big Book but the ones which most people refer to are once we are working through Step 9 "we will be amazed before we are halfway through".
Are you there yet?
Keep posting, this is a great site.
There are many promises in the Big Book but the ones which most people refer to are once we are working through Step 9 "we will be amazed before we are halfway through".
Are you there yet?
Keep posting, this is a great site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 67
Thanks for the notes
Hey again.
Thanks for your earlier notes. I thought I’d write down some of my background and ask a question. I stopped drinking on Oct. 18, 2009 and came across this site several days later. What a relief. A number of stories are so similar: I drank wine for years, every single night for the past 10 years or so. Then I’d toddle off to bed and pass out. I knew it was stupid, destructive behavior, but my morning resolutions, guilt and remorse always evaporated when I got home from work later that day. I told myself that I’d get a grip on things “tomorrow.’’
I stopped once for about nine months, but then started right back up again. That time I hadn’t tried AA or any other support group, which I’m doing now. Am on Step 3 after wrestling with Step 2.
I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t lost any jobs or had legal scrapes. I can’t say what it was that finally got me to the point of stopping again, six years after I first tried. I just remember sitting at the kitchen table one morning feeling so defeated – and so sick of having an endless debate/obsession in my head over my inability to stop. You know that internal conversation? “Why do you drink, it’s going to kill you, it’s hurting you …why can’t you stop… you’re following the same pattern as your mother….you're going to end up tied to a hospital bed too... you are so stupid.’’ Yada, yada. All the wasted energy depresses me.
So I got honest with my doctor, who ran some tests and everything came back fine. She even asked if I was overestimating my consumption! Huh? That’s a laugh. For years when I had to see a doc about anything, I’d lie and say I drank maybe three drinks a week.
Now that I don’t drink, I struggle a lot with anxiety. It’s been rough. As I’ve been thinking more about it, I realize I’ve always had this feeling – since I was a young teen, really. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever not had a big knot in my chest.
One thing that does surprise me since I’ve stopped is that when I get really tired or discouraged, I don’t crave wine. No, my little voice suggests a boatload of huge Manhattans or something similarly potent. What’s up with that? A couple of days ago, I nearly walked into a drugstore to buy some cigarettes, and I haven’t smoked for three years. Anything to take the edge off. Going to the gym or taking a walk, which I'm try to do instead, doesn't seem nearly as much fun at the time.
Did anyone else’s addiction try to up the ante when it wasn’t getting its way?
Ddog
(I like Oz’s abbreviation of my user name)
Thanks for your earlier notes. I thought I’d write down some of my background and ask a question. I stopped drinking on Oct. 18, 2009 and came across this site several days later. What a relief. A number of stories are so similar: I drank wine for years, every single night for the past 10 years or so. Then I’d toddle off to bed and pass out. I knew it was stupid, destructive behavior, but my morning resolutions, guilt and remorse always evaporated when I got home from work later that day. I told myself that I’d get a grip on things “tomorrow.’’
I stopped once for about nine months, but then started right back up again. That time I hadn’t tried AA or any other support group, which I’m doing now. Am on Step 3 after wrestling with Step 2.
I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t lost any jobs or had legal scrapes. I can’t say what it was that finally got me to the point of stopping again, six years after I first tried. I just remember sitting at the kitchen table one morning feeling so defeated – and so sick of having an endless debate/obsession in my head over my inability to stop. You know that internal conversation? “Why do you drink, it’s going to kill you, it’s hurting you …why can’t you stop… you’re following the same pattern as your mother….you're going to end up tied to a hospital bed too... you are so stupid.’’ Yada, yada. All the wasted energy depresses me.
So I got honest with my doctor, who ran some tests and everything came back fine. She even asked if I was overestimating my consumption! Huh? That’s a laugh. For years when I had to see a doc about anything, I’d lie and say I drank maybe three drinks a week.
Now that I don’t drink, I struggle a lot with anxiety. It’s been rough. As I’ve been thinking more about it, I realize I’ve always had this feeling – since I was a young teen, really. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever not had a big knot in my chest.
One thing that does surprise me since I’ve stopped is that when I get really tired or discouraged, I don’t crave wine. No, my little voice suggests a boatload of huge Manhattans or something similarly potent. What’s up with that? A couple of days ago, I nearly walked into a drugstore to buy some cigarettes, and I haven’t smoked for three years. Anything to take the edge off. Going to the gym or taking a walk, which I'm try to do instead, doesn't seem nearly as much fun at the time.
Did anyone else’s addiction try to up the ante when it wasn’t getting its way?
Ddog
(I like Oz’s abbreviation of my user name)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
My alcoholism always tried to get me to jump off the wagon. Too many times I listened to that voice and its lies. No more. Today I want to be sober way more than I want to drink. Drinking only brings misery and sickness and risk.
Congrats on your sober time. Don't listen to your addict voice.
Welcome to SR!
Congrats on your sober time. Don't listen to your addict voice.
Welcome to SR!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi,
I didn't experience the 'pink cloud' thing either.
I had too much guilt and shame to deal with and it took me quite awhile before I started to feel positive mentally.
I also had anxiety as a child/teenager, but I didn't know what was going on. Drinking was an attempt to self-medicate, but of course it ended up increasing the anxiety a lot.
Now that I'm sober, I still have a lot of anxiety and sometimes I have panic attacks. It isn't easy to deal with these feelings, but I have found that exercise helps, music helps. It has also helped me to establish boundaries around myself so as to not get caught up in the drama in other people's lives.
I didn't experience the 'pink cloud' thing either.
I had too much guilt and shame to deal with and it took me quite awhile before I started to feel positive mentally.
I also had anxiety as a child/teenager, but I didn't know what was going on. Drinking was an attempt to self-medicate, but of course it ended up increasing the anxiety a lot.
Now that I'm sober, I still have a lot of anxiety and sometimes I have panic attacks. It isn't easy to deal with these feelings, but I have found that exercise helps, music helps. It has also helped me to establish boundaries around myself so as to not get caught up in the drama in other people's lives.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 113
Great to have you on board! People would probably say I HAVE experienced the pink cloud due to the fact that my posts are generally really upbeat.
That said, I'm with you in regards to struggling with anxiety. That is a HUGE issue for me and I'm still struggling through my anxiety on a daily basis.
The reason I'm upbeat is that I know my anxiety would be 10 times worse if I was still drinking. Sure, drinking might knock it out for a few hours, but then I would wake up the next morning and it would be all the worse. I don't want to go back to that wretched path of simply existing and not really living.
Again, great to have you here and my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
RacerX
That said, I'm with you in regards to struggling with anxiety. That is a HUGE issue for me and I'm still struggling through my anxiety on a daily basis.
The reason I'm upbeat is that I know my anxiety would be 10 times worse if I was still drinking. Sure, drinking might knock it out for a few hours, but then I would wake up the next morning and it would be all the worse. I don't want to go back to that wretched path of simply existing and not really living.
Again, great to have you here and my thoughts and prayers go out to you.
RacerX
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi ddog
I had about 7 years recovery as a compulsive overeater. I had peace and serenity during very traumatic times in my life, I lost 100lbs, I got to my ideal body weight. The craving for food had gone and I 'recoiled from it like a hot flame'. It was good recovery.
And then I became an alcoholic. Whatever relationship I had with alcohol - at times I was a binge drinker, at times I didn't drink - it crossed a line into alcoholism without me even realising it. Once I crossed the line, there was no going back and the alcoholism then got me into binge eating again.
This disease (whether it be alcoholism, addiction or any other behaviour/substance) is all one and the same. This is what I have learnt.
I see it as a disease of "lacking" in that everything is lacking in my life and I need, need, need. My "lacking" needs anything I can get my hands on - food, alcohol, shopping, relationships etc. But nothing satisfies the "lacking" (I also did cigarettes at one point and was a 40-60 a day smoker)
I know now that this lacking is a spiritual void. There is only one thing which can fill it and that is God. The best thing about this is that it is very simple (maybe not easy) and once I let God into my life to fill the void, I don't need anything else. The constant search and neediness is over.
I was lucky as I survived my relaspse. But I now know that I cannot take one single day off from working every single one of the 12 steps. Without a daily filling of God my spiritual void will start screaming out to me to use. God only knows what the next new substance would be if that were ever to happen.
As to you working Step 3, please don't take too long on this. It is only a decision. Step 4 is where the action starts. The sooner you get up to Step 9 and beyond the sooner you will know God/HP in your life and you will be relieved of what you are feeling now. Your neediness, lacking, void will be filled.
Have you looked at the 12 Step forum? There is a sub forum for Step 3. It may be worth posting there. I have found that a lot of people misunderstand this step (it was explained to me wrongly at first) and waste time doing something more than just the decision which is asked of it, when they really need to be working steps 4 to 9.
good luck
Originally Posted by Doodledog 
Did anyone else’s addiction try to up the ante when it wasn’t getting its way?
And then I became an alcoholic. Whatever relationship I had with alcohol - at times I was a binge drinker, at times I didn't drink - it crossed a line into alcoholism without me even realising it. Once I crossed the line, there was no going back and the alcoholism then got me into binge eating again.
This disease (whether it be alcoholism, addiction or any other behaviour/substance) is all one and the same. This is what I have learnt.
I see it as a disease of "lacking" in that everything is lacking in my life and I need, need, need. My "lacking" needs anything I can get my hands on - food, alcohol, shopping, relationships etc. But nothing satisfies the "lacking" (I also did cigarettes at one point and was a 40-60 a day smoker)
I know now that this lacking is a spiritual void. There is only one thing which can fill it and that is God. The best thing about this is that it is very simple (maybe not easy) and once I let God into my life to fill the void, I don't need anything else. The constant search and neediness is over.
I was lucky as I survived my relaspse. But I now know that I cannot take one single day off from working every single one of the 12 steps. Without a daily filling of God my spiritual void will start screaming out to me to use. God only knows what the next new substance would be if that were ever to happen.
As to you working Step 3, please don't take too long on this. It is only a decision. Step 4 is where the action starts. The sooner you get up to Step 9 and beyond the sooner you will know God/HP in your life and you will be relieved of what you are feeling now. Your neediness, lacking, void will be filled.
Have you looked at the 12 Step forum? There is a sub forum for Step 3. It may be worth posting there. I have found that a lot of people misunderstand this step (it was explained to me wrongly at first) and waste time doing something more than just the decision which is asked of it, when they really need to be working steps 4 to 9.
good luck
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