neilmcd84

I've not been on these forums for a long time and I'm sorry for it - I moved out of my alcoholic parents' house 4 years ago and have felt 100% better ever since. I have coped by having only as much contact with them as I am comfortable with, and only when they are in a fit state physically and mentally to spend quality time with.

However, I'm getting married in 7 weeks and I'm faced with what has become a very difficult decision about whether or not to invite them. They have now divorced, and my dad has started attending AA meetings. Strangely however he seems to have made less progress than my mum who still denies she has a problem. Dad has a particular problem with his anger about unresolved arguments from the past.

My dilema is around whether or not I can trust them not to ruin the day for my future wife. I am fairly confident that my mum will be OK so have decided to invite her. My dad however is completely different. I had a conversation with him 2 weeks ago about whether I could trust him not to kick off at the wedding (conversation started by him) and it ended up with him blowing up to the extent that he got out my car in the town centre where I live and fiercely swung and hit my car mirror with his bag in front of dozens of people. This (and much much worse) used to be a common event for me (and all of us on these forums I suppose) when I lived at home - but I've been away from that environment for 4 years and it's been a real shock to be taken back to it.

In an ideal world I wouldn't want to exclude him from the wedding - but I just can't trust him not to spoil the day. I don't think it's right to exclude him as a 'punishment' or to force him to change - but I do think it's right to consider excluding him to stop him spoiling the day for everyone who has worked so hard to bring it together.

Any advice would be appreciated......

tromboneliness

He's outta there. You're entirely justified in not inviting him -- it's your wedding, after all!

T

GingerM

In situations like this, I often will change the person I'm thinking about to another person.

Say it was your 2nd cousin once removed whom you barely knew, but knew he behaved in this sort of manner. Would you invite him? What about your neighbor two doors down who was known for having major rows with his relatives loudly? Would you invite him?

I don't think by not inviting your father you are commenting on or judging your father. You are commenting on known behaviors he has exhibited and on your desire to not have those behaviors committed at your wedding. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

least

It's your wedding. You have the right to not invite anyone you are sure would cause trouble and spoil your day.

Carol Star

If he is in AA your wedding would be a dangerous place for him to be without another fellow recovering alcoholic going with him.

neilmcd84

Thanks very much for all your replies.
He had been planning on inviting 1 x AA fiend during the day, and a few at night - but none of these people would hold any influence over him if he decided he was going to kick off.
The wedding is not going to be 'dry' at all - but strangely I'm not so worried about him (or her) drinking - more about his general anger even when 'sober'.

Please keep your advice coming. I think I've reached a decision, but am still open to other opinions

Insulated

An event coordinator can be an invaluable tool at an event like this. Lay the groundwork for your requests for the adults to drink responsibly AND tell the event coordinators which ones to keep an eye on.

neilmcd84

I thought I should pop back in and let you know what happened. I decided not to invite him. I calmly explained that his behaviour was not acceptable and therefore he couldn't come, but that I would keep in touch before and after the wedding as normal.

He turned up at night anyway, drunk! I put him out, so he smashed up the hotel bar and got arrested! He has yet to apologise, but somehow our relationship has just carried on as normal. I think it will always be the same until he dies.

Thanks for all the advice I was offered earlier in this thread.

GingerM

I'm sorry to hear that he couldn't honor your boundary to stay away.

Sometimes I find it useful to reframe the situation so that it's not quite as disappointing as it really is. In that vein, allow me to say that you have a much much more interesting wedding story than any of the ones from my own wedding (which WAS dry but still ended up with issues!)

someday231

When I got married, my (alcoholic) father paid for the wedding... I specifically requested several times that there be NO bar. No cash bar, no paid bar. My (alcoholic) mother was unsupportive of the idea of me getting married. This was over five years ago and I was a lot younger and they were both at different stages as well... my father felt because he was paying for the wedding, there would be a paid bar at the wedding. My mother took that as, even though I requested, asked, begged, polited asked BOTH of my parents not to be drunk at my wedding. They could drink if need be, just please don't get drunk and please dont embarass me. And really being that my husband and I don't even drink, we didn't need for alcohol to be present at our wedding. It was a stressful time.

With that said, go with your gut instinct. Don't be polite. Maybe be polite out loud but this is your special day so be firm and don't allow anyone else to pay for it . (I see it already happened... this is for anyone else that might be planning a special event.)

Cheeses

I kind of think on one hand it would be sad not to invite him. After all he is your dad and weddings are such family occasions. Plus are you are you wouldn't feel guilty afterwards if you didn't. My alcoholic dad died 18 months ago and it's strange the things you suddenly regret. Your future wife I'm sure will understand whatever happens and if he does kick off then he will have to be kicked out right away. It will only ruin the day if you make him and his behaviour a focus.

On the other hand you don't owe your parents anything and the day is about you and your wife and nobody else. You should be able to feel comfortable and happy on your big day and not have you dad on your mind.

Good luck with whatever you decide.