FiftyPence

OK so, sometimes chance meetings are a good thing. I was coming out of the local department store today and I bumped into a friend of mine who also heads up the local chapter of NA (not AA, but a lot of AA ppl prefer the NA crowd here, they're younger and they work a very similar program). Anyway, she asks me how things are at the moment and I say ah well, bugger all has changed, AW is still chugging back a bottle of wine a night and passing out gracefully on the couch. Lather, rinse, repeat... lather, rinse, repeat...

So she asks me has anything changed for me and I say yeah well I'm in the process of moving out of our house to try a trial separation which we both want. And then she said yeah but what about the kids. So I said to her well, we're in conflict about that. I want them for three nights on the weekends. She doesn't want that.

THEN my friend said something that hit me like a hammer. If I leave the children, knowing they're in the hands of an unfit parent, from a legal point of view I'm severely compromising myself. Marital abandonment as someone here has pointed out to me before.

I'm resolved in my head as her partner about wanting to leave, wanting a change, but as a parent I must also consider what I'm doing from a legal perspective. Bottom line is, I'm complicit with her in neglectful parenting by enabling her drinking around the kids on a day to day basis (as are all us codies with kids and alcoholic partners).

This is how confused it all gets. We both get so tangled up in our screwed up relationship the kids somehow get taken out of the picture. The reason I can't have the kids full time is that I work and I can't pick them up from school or be with them on certain days during the day. I work in a town that is 65 km from where I live so practically it just isn't possible for me to have them with me 24/7. I also don't want to deprive them of their mother, who is a fit parent when she's sober. Which means she's not OK to parent on most nights after 6 pm. Kind of a serious time of the day with small kids aged three and six. Weekends are just safer for the the kids in my care, that is a bald fact albeit one she will steadfastly deny.

Anyway, my friend said look, don't do a runner quite yet. You've been in this situation now for two years, what's another couple of weeks difference going to make? She's getting back to me with the contact details of a social worker friend of hers who is well versed in the legalities of dealing with addicted parents. In a few day's time I'll have the information I need.

Apparently, one option is to get a court order to FORCE the person to go to rehab on the grounds of being unfit to parent when drunk. Everything about that screams "doomed to fail" to me, because she'll be coerced into doing it and will resist it. To the addicted person it is like being handed a loaded weapon and being instructed to commit suicide, or we'll come in and shoot you instead, as happened to disgraced Russian officers in WW2.

What are your thoughts on court ordered rehab? What are my options here with the kids? This would all be a lot easier if we weren't parents, but I've realised the kids come before our needs at this point. Forced rehab might just give us all a bit of a breather, if nothing else.

Pelican

I like the idea of taking more time. More options may be revealed.

Are there options near your work for childcare? If you keep the children 24/7, you will need dependable childcare during the daytime. The payoff would be that they will be with a sober parent every night.

about this:
Everything about that screams "doomed to fail" to me, because she'll be coerced into doing it and will resist it. To the addicted person it is like being handed a loaded weapon and being instructed to commit suicide, or we'll come in and shoot you instead, as happened to disgraced Russian officers in WW2.

You're assuming her reactions and her feelings. Unsafe territory for us codies.

As a recovering addict, I was envious of members that went to rehab. I would have liked to step out of my daily life and spend 24/7 focusing on becoming a healthier me. Rehab to me would mean: No husband, no kids, no job, no booze, no bills, no pets, no cooking, no grocery shopping, etc....However, it was not an option for me.

I would have embraced rehab as an opportunity to refocus my life. As it is, I am thankful to my HP, SR, Alanon, family and friends for helping me while I juggled all the above and worked on refocusing my life.

gerryP

Hey Fiftypence,

I'm guessing you are in the UK, so maybe things are different there. However, I wasn't aware that an individual could arrange for court ordered rehab anywhere. I know the courts can enforce rehab in lieu of jail time or lessen a jail term when a crime has been committed.

Have you spoken to an attorney with respect to a separation and child custody? That might be a better solution in the meantime.

Good luck with everything and taking care of the emotional and physical welfare of your children is paramount.

FiftyPence

Gerry, I'm not in the UK. I must say, something doesn't sound right about being able to to force her into rehab as her partner. If that was the case, the system would be open to abuse. I'll have more facts about what the conditions to such an order may be. She has a DUI charge, but no conviction or acquittal yet due to the mess the country's policing and judicial system is in.

coyote21

My wifes court ordered rehab failed. Losing her home failed, losing her car failed, losing her marriage failed, losing her dignity failed, even losing her daughter failed. She was/isn't ready to quit drinking yet.

Your wifes failed go at rehab will help you to gain sole custody of your children.

My daughter also got forgotten when my axw and I got caught up in "the dance".

Protect your kids at any cost, you will be glad you did. I am. My job was/is very forgiving/understanding after I shared what was going on. I eventually hired a part time nanny/college student to help me get to work (30 miles commute one way) on time.

I also thought I couldn't do it. I do fine with a little help, so will you.

Look at it this way, 1000's of single moms do it every day, are they tougher, stronger, smarter than you or me? ...........well maybe, but you get my drift.

Thanks and God bless us all.
Coyote

KerBearz

Hi,
When my AH was in court ordered outpatient treatment, the counselor told me that statistically it has been proven that forced rehab is just as effective as elective rehab. I do not know where he got his information, but I guess my philosophy is that it certainly can't hurt.
Kerbearz

Insulated

At least you will know that your kids will be safe while she's in rehab. And you won't be dancing the dance during that time period either.

gerryP

I could almost bet my bottom dollar that no one can force anyone into rehab.

As far as it being as successful as voluntary admission to rehab...there is statistically a 3% (or lower) success rate that an individual will stay sober after rehab. Who pays for rehab when someone is supposedly 'forced? I do know for a fact that no one HAS to stay in rehab...they can and do leave anytime they choose.'

Out of the 12 people I was in rehab with, I am the only one who is still sober after 4 and a half years.

You're right Fifty, you will no more when you speak to the social worker. Again good luck with everything.