Advice please.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Advice please.
I have been dealing with my husband alcoholic for about the last 4 years. I married this man 5 years ago. A little background first...I am the child of an alcoholic and saw my dad beat my mom and it was a pretty crazy childhood until I was 12.
I am in my 2nd marriage. Prior to getting married in 2005, I was divorced for about 10 years...my first marriage did not have issues with alcohol...we both drank occasionally but it was never an issue. The first husband occasionally smoked pot but never around me and it wasn't really an issue or argument but that marriage ended because he decided to have a mid life crisis..that is a whole other story.
For the 10 years after the divorce, I did not date, did not drink or use drugs. I chose instead to be alone and raise my children. When my youngest child reached the age of 12 I decided to start dating.
Long story short....and to get to the heart of the matter, my current husband had quite a few skeletons in his closet when we got married and never told me. So...even though he knew that I was the child of an alcoholic and did not want to marry an alcoholic, he married me without telling me that he had been in rehab for alcohol 15 years ago...and did not tell me he was a sexual addict either.
So...here begins the new story. I had always been able to have a glass of wine and not drink more than that. No problem right, wrong. My husband and I would drink a glass or 2 but it started to escalate to where we'd drink until all the alcohol in the house was gone. He then started drinking about 1 year into our marriage...and drinking a lot. I would sometimes join him and sometimes not....always asking if we could just not drink but it seemed that when I asked that he would say he was going to drink anyway and if I wanted to be with him, I felt I'd have to join him.
We separated about 10 months ago. We were still trying to work on the marriage but the drinking continued...yeah I would drink with him.
In November it came to a head...I stopped drinking with him and stopped seeing him...yes just stopped. And on occasion, I do have a glass of when if I choose and stop there.
Well in early December, he got very drunk and I (like several times before) came to the rescue emptied all the alcohol bottles and sobered him up and finally got him to agree to go to a psychiatrist where he was diagnosed with bipolar 2 mania. He started on meds/depacote. We were still apart and it seemed he was improving.
On January 3rd, he decided to tell me he was a sex addict and that between Jan 2008-Feb 2009 he had been seeing prostitutes. He said he had to confess to me so that he could move forward as he had ended that behavior. He had hoped that I would be able to forgive him. But at the time offered no solutions.
On January 6th I asked for a divorce. I felt there was no remorse and no true repentance. He was very cold about the way he told me and I did not sense that he was going to actually work on his problems....and I felt betrayed, angry..you name it I felt it.
2 weeks ago...out of no-where I get a phone call that he didn't show up for work and there was concern. Now he was sober for 2 months so I was worried he had a heart attack of that something was wrong. He has no family here and I am pretty much it. I went to his place and found him with 4 bottles of vodka...all empty...he had drank all in a 2 day period. Here I go again...I sobered him up and that was when he begged me to please give him another chance. He was in such a bad way...I told him to get sober and we would see. I took his keys, wallet and went home.
Here is where the issue for me lies...I love him. I know it sounds so dumb and I cannot believe after everything I was even thinking about giving him another chance. But... I did I start to listen and talk with him. I didn't even still see it that he was still drinking...hiding it. It finally came to a point that I told him that it was rehab or I was gone for good...no other option so he agreed to go to Detox. He spent 4 days in detox. The next day, he had an appointment with his therapist at the psych office and she agreed he had a sexual addiction issue that needed to be addressed.
So now he is dealing not only with Alcohol recovery, he is also dealing with a SA problem. Upon leaving the meeting, she told him that it would be at least a 90 day time frame just to get starting into recovery on the SA issue.
We parted ways on Friday morning...he seemed positive. 2 hours later he bought a LARGE bottle of Vodka and and again claimed he couldn't deal with being without me for 90 days and got drunk. Here I go again...went to his house, poured the vodka down the drain, took his keys, wallet and went home. Left him at his house stinking drunk. The next morning I went back to his house and he had fallen, his head all bashed in and blood everywhere. I did not feel one bit of guilt.
Needless to say, the past 2 weeks have been so difficult. I went to an Al-anon meeting for the first time last week. It was good. My counselor recommended a book called Boundaries which I am reading.
In the meantime, my husband FINALLY and on his own in-patient Chemical Dependency rehab. He also has a sponsor now and has been very attentive to getting himself healthy. It seems he is finally able concentrate on himself and stop obsessing on me and what is going to happen with us.
Now I haven't drank heavily...like been drunk for 3 months...I do not crave alcohol and I do not need it even during my upset times. I am comfortable with not drinking and can take it or leave it and mostly leave it.
I do realize I have this co-dependency problem...because I keep coming to the rescue..."I allow" him to make me crazy".
Today he told me he thinks I need to be in an AA-12 step program which I am not convinced is true. I do not want him to drink anymore...and told him we can never have alcohol in our home. It seems to me that the only way he will be convinced he has a problem is IF I will be in his problem with him.
I am attending al-anon and will soon also need to start attending CO-SA meetings as well....I am so overwhelmed by all of this.
Advice please?
I am in my 2nd marriage. Prior to getting married in 2005, I was divorced for about 10 years...my first marriage did not have issues with alcohol...we both drank occasionally but it was never an issue. The first husband occasionally smoked pot but never around me and it wasn't really an issue or argument but that marriage ended because he decided to have a mid life crisis..that is a whole other story.
For the 10 years after the divorce, I did not date, did not drink or use drugs. I chose instead to be alone and raise my children. When my youngest child reached the age of 12 I decided to start dating.
Long story short....and to get to the heart of the matter, my current husband had quite a few skeletons in his closet when we got married and never told me. So...even though he knew that I was the child of an alcoholic and did not want to marry an alcoholic, he married me without telling me that he had been in rehab for alcohol 15 years ago...and did not tell me he was a sexual addict either.
So...here begins the new story. I had always been able to have a glass of wine and not drink more than that. No problem right, wrong. My husband and I would drink a glass or 2 but it started to escalate to where we'd drink until all the alcohol in the house was gone. He then started drinking about 1 year into our marriage...and drinking a lot. I would sometimes join him and sometimes not....always asking if we could just not drink but it seemed that when I asked that he would say he was going to drink anyway and if I wanted to be with him, I felt I'd have to join him.
We separated about 10 months ago. We were still trying to work on the marriage but the drinking continued...yeah I would drink with him.
In November it came to a head...I stopped drinking with him and stopped seeing him...yes just stopped. And on occasion, I do have a glass of when if I choose and stop there.
Well in early December, he got very drunk and I (like several times before) came to the rescue emptied all the alcohol bottles and sobered him up and finally got him to agree to go to a psychiatrist where he was diagnosed with bipolar 2 mania. He started on meds/depacote. We were still apart and it seemed he was improving.
On January 3rd, he decided to tell me he was a sex addict and that between Jan 2008-Feb 2009 he had been seeing prostitutes. He said he had to confess to me so that he could move forward as he had ended that behavior. He had hoped that I would be able to forgive him. But at the time offered no solutions.
On January 6th I asked for a divorce. I felt there was no remorse and no true repentance. He was very cold about the way he told me and I did not sense that he was going to actually work on his problems....and I felt betrayed, angry..you name it I felt it.
2 weeks ago...out of no-where I get a phone call that he didn't show up for work and there was concern. Now he was sober for 2 months so I was worried he had a heart attack of that something was wrong. He has no family here and I am pretty much it. I went to his place and found him with 4 bottles of vodka...all empty...he had drank all in a 2 day period. Here I go again...I sobered him up and that was when he begged me to please give him another chance. He was in such a bad way...I told him to get sober and we would see. I took his keys, wallet and went home.
Here is where the issue for me lies...I love him. I know it sounds so dumb and I cannot believe after everything I was even thinking about giving him another chance. But... I did I start to listen and talk with him. I didn't even still see it that he was still drinking...hiding it. It finally came to a point that I told him that it was rehab or I was gone for good...no other option so he agreed to go to Detox. He spent 4 days in detox. The next day, he had an appointment with his therapist at the psych office and she agreed he had a sexual addiction issue that needed to be addressed.
So now he is dealing not only with Alcohol recovery, he is also dealing with a SA problem. Upon leaving the meeting, she told him that it would be at least a 90 day time frame just to get starting into recovery on the SA issue.
We parted ways on Friday morning...he seemed positive. 2 hours later he bought a LARGE bottle of Vodka and and again claimed he couldn't deal with being without me for 90 days and got drunk. Here I go again...went to his house, poured the vodka down the drain, took his keys, wallet and went home. Left him at his house stinking drunk. The next morning I went back to his house and he had fallen, his head all bashed in and blood everywhere. I did not feel one bit of guilt.
Needless to say, the past 2 weeks have been so difficult. I went to an Al-anon meeting for the first time last week. It was good. My counselor recommended a book called Boundaries which I am reading.
In the meantime, my husband FINALLY and on his own in-patient Chemical Dependency rehab. He also has a sponsor now and has been very attentive to getting himself healthy. It seems he is finally able concentrate on himself and stop obsessing on me and what is going to happen with us.
Now I haven't drank heavily...like been drunk for 3 months...I do not crave alcohol and I do not need it even during my upset times. I am comfortable with not drinking and can take it or leave it and mostly leave it.
I do realize I have this co-dependency problem...because I keep coming to the rescue..."I allow" him to make me crazy".
Today he told me he thinks I need to be in an AA-12 step program which I am not convinced is true. I do not want him to drink anymore...and told him we can never have alcohol in our home. It seems to me that the only way he will be convinced he has a problem is IF I will be in his problem with him.
I am attending al-anon and will soon also need to start attending CO-SA meetings as well....I am so overwhelmed by all of this.
Advice please?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I read stories like yours and all I want to say is run, run, run away as fast as your legs can take you.
I know however that its not that easy and I would be a bit of a hypocrite, being that I am still living with my AH.
Alcoholic, sex addict, bi-polar, prostitutes! Omitted (lied) to tell you before you got married. Why do you want this in your life?
Keep going to Al-Anon and start getting yourself healthy, to at least know that you deserve much better than this.
I know however that its not that easy and I would be a bit of a hypocrite, being that I am still living with my AH.
Alcoholic, sex addict, bi-polar, prostitutes! Omitted (lied) to tell you before you got married. Why do you want this in your life?
Keep going to Al-Anon and start getting yourself healthy, to at least know that you deserve much better than this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I do realize I have this co-dependency problem...because I keep coming to the rescue..."I allow" him to make me crazy".
Well that's always the first step right?
Advice? I'd say keep going to AlAnon and if you can get into any one-on-one counseling on a weekly basis that might be a good idea.
AlAnon helped me turn my codie head around and stop enabling my A bros and start living my life for me again. Therapy helped me deal with the deeper issues - having grown up with an A father and a codie mother I had a lot of bad habits to unlearn...that takes time.
Glad you're here! Take a deep breath and try to focus just on your own problems. He has made a decision to do outpatient rehab - leave him to it.
peace-
b
Well that's always the first step right?
Advice? I'd say keep going to AlAnon and if you can get into any one-on-one counseling on a weekly basis that might be a good idea.
AlAnon helped me turn my codie head around and stop enabling my A bros and start living my life for me again. Therapy helped me deal with the deeper issues - having grown up with an A father and a codie mother I had a lot of bad habits to unlearn...that takes time.
Glad you're here! Take a deep breath and try to focus just on your own problems. He has made a decision to do outpatient rehab - leave him to it.
peace-
b
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find lots of support and information here. Make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.
I joined SR as a recovering alcoholic. I later seperated from and divorced my active alcoholic husband. I started attending Alanon meetings when I decided to divorce him. I also began hanging around the friends and family section of this forum for support.
As a recovering alcoholic and a recovering spouse of an alcoholic, Alanon has helped me. The 12 steps are almost identical to the 12 steps for alcoholics. The skills I am learning at Alanon, SR and with self-help books are assisting me in my personal life and my professional life. Win win!
You know about codependency. Have you read Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More"? That is one of the many books that have helped me.
As a double winner, I also recommend "Under the Influence" for yourself and to help you understand alcoholism with your AH. We have excerpts from the book posted here at SR. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
We're here to support you!
You will find lots of support and information here. Make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.
I joined SR as a recovering alcoholic. I later seperated from and divorced my active alcoholic husband. I started attending Alanon meetings when I decided to divorce him. I also began hanging around the friends and family section of this forum for support.
As a recovering alcoholic and a recovering spouse of an alcoholic, Alanon has helped me. The 12 steps are almost identical to the 12 steps for alcoholics. The skills I am learning at Alanon, SR and with self-help books are assisting me in my personal life and my professional life. Win win!
You know about codependency. Have you read Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More"? That is one of the many books that have helped me.
As a double winner, I also recommend "Under the Influence" for yourself and to help you understand alcoholism with your AH. We have excerpts from the book posted here at SR. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
We're here to support you!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
It's good that you are attending al-anon. It's a good program to help you focus on your own issues. I'm not so sure about the CO-SA meetings though. Maybe they should be put on the back burner until you have had more time to work on yourself and decide what you really want. The main thing is don't let him rush you or push you into a decision. If he truly wants to work on recovery, he can do that on his own. If he truly cares about you and your needs, he'll give you however much time you need to feel comfortable before making any decisions. You deserve that!
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I second what's been said - and welcome you to SR!
One specific thing really hit home with me.
you wrote:
Of course you do.
Raised by alcoholics - you (like me) don't know anything else!
Aloof? Drunk? Abvusive? Emotionally unavailable?
I'm in LOVE!
why?
It's what I was raised and taught from the very beginning
(that's HOT, honey-meaning touching a stove-... and that's... LOVE)
that pain ... is love.
fear... is love.
alone... is love.
neglected... is love.
I know this ... from the inside out, hon.
I'm so very grateful to read you're in Alanon and looking for even more help.
And that you found SR.
Welcome!
One specific thing really hit home with me.
you wrote:
Here is where the issue for me lies...I love him.
Raised by alcoholics - you (like me) don't know anything else!
Aloof? Drunk? Abvusive? Emotionally unavailable?
I'm in LOVE!
why?
It's what I was raised and taught from the very beginning
(that's HOT, honey-meaning touching a stove-... and that's... LOVE)
that pain ... is love.
fear... is love.
alone... is love.
neglected... is love.
I know this ... from the inside out, hon.
I'm so very grateful to read you're in Alanon and looking for even more help.
And that you found SR.
Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
I am very happy I am in Al-anon too. It's funny tonight he brought me gifts for Valentines day. He brought me candy and flowers, a 12 step bible devotional and an Al-anon 12 step book. He told me that he would give me whatever time I needed and left to go pick up his sponsor to go to an AA meeting. He is going to 2 AA meetings a day and a weekly Sexual Addiction meeting. I truly do see him trying but I realize he has a long way to go and so does he.
I think it's easy to be misled so I am weary of his actions and I do need to make sure he can stand the test of time. He is a sick person and he does need to do the work and I know he needs to be in touch with God to fix him...not me.
OK...enough about him.
On my end...I do need to be in touch with God to fix me too and I do need to get MORE in tune with the 12 steps. I was doing pretty well when we were separated...when I was not having any contact with him. I was reading, working out and pretty happy. Now I am obsessing. I don't like this feeling. And honestly...he doesn't even have to do anything for me to get all twisted about him. Just exist. This is definetly a problem I need to figure out.
And I am not going to run...yet. One thing I have realized is that I can run but if I don't face my own co-dependency now...I will just repeat the same pattern with someone else. And yeah I hate the sin...but I do love the sinner...maybe that will change too? Time and getting help for me will tell.
I am going to couseling for myself (not marriage). Trying to get into a meeting weekly. I am going to hold off on the CO-SA stuff for right now...cause it really just makes me kinda nauseated just thinking about that.
Thank-you everyone for your feedback...I needed that!
I think it's easy to be misled so I am weary of his actions and I do need to make sure he can stand the test of time. He is a sick person and he does need to do the work and I know he needs to be in touch with God to fix him...not me.
OK...enough about him.
On my end...I do need to be in touch with God to fix me too and I do need to get MORE in tune with the 12 steps. I was doing pretty well when we were separated...when I was not having any contact with him. I was reading, working out and pretty happy. Now I am obsessing. I don't like this feeling. And honestly...he doesn't even have to do anything for me to get all twisted about him. Just exist. This is definetly a problem I need to figure out.
And I am not going to run...yet. One thing I have realized is that I can run but if I don't face my own co-dependency now...I will just repeat the same pattern with someone else. And yeah I hate the sin...but I do love the sinner...maybe that will change too? Time and getting help for me will tell.
I am going to couseling for myself (not marriage). Trying to get into a meeting weekly. I am going to hold off on the CO-SA stuff for right now...cause it really just makes me kinda nauseated just thinking about that.
Thank-you everyone for your feedback...I needed that!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Welcome.
So sorry that you are going through this. As others have written, please read the stickies at the top of the forum. Also, I would suggest reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More and Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Both books are eye-opening.
It sounds like he has a lot on his plate to deal with. It also sounds like you have a lot of inner work to do to feel better. I struggle too and I am over a year out from the end of my relationship. The things that help me the most are staying focused on MY life, not his. The obsessing thing is hard to overcome, but you can work on it by recognizing when yo start to obsess and immediately re-focusing your mind on something positive for you.
How are you kids? Do they expereince his instability? Are they shielded from it?
So sorry that you are going through this. As others have written, please read the stickies at the top of the forum. Also, I would suggest reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More and Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Both books are eye-opening.
It sounds like he has a lot on his plate to deal with. It also sounds like you have a lot of inner work to do to feel better. I struggle too and I am over a year out from the end of my relationship. The things that help me the most are staying focused on MY life, not his. The obsessing thing is hard to overcome, but you can work on it by recognizing when yo start to obsess and immediately re-focusing your mind on something positive for you.
How are you kids? Do they expereince his instability? Are they shielded from it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
I have 3 children (27, 25 & 17 y/o) all from a previous marriage. Unfortunately the previous year before the separation was pretty tough with both my husband and myself drinking and getting drunk then having arguments. That was bad enough and I will NOT put them through that ever again. My kids are still pretty angry with him right now. I told him thay he will need to mend all the broken fences with my family if he wants back in. And not to be too disappointed if it takes a while...maybe never.
I love my kids but I have to make decisions for me too. They are all older now....so I am alone most of the time.
I do need to do more exploring on this website...so far I like!
I love my kids but I have to make decisions for me too. They are all older now....so I am alone most of the time.
I do need to do more exploring on this website...so far I like!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
just keep coming here, and throw yourself into al-anon. he is still in treatment i assume? he needs to focus on his recovery, and you yours. then...perhaps....you can reunite. we always rush back to each other, don't we??!!
there is a lot of healing to do. i think he's on the treatment high right now.
there is a lot of healing to do. i think he's on the treatment high right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
"I allow" him to make me crazy".
the most candid emotional melt down i've had in 43 years was recently. my ABF overdosed and one of his druggie fems shared by deceased fiance's request to her;
"i wanna get in your pants do you a favor if ya gimme a pill". I cleaned the original statement up considerably!!
I arrived home, where his best friend was staying with me during transition and completely lost all control of myself. No one, NO ONE has ever seen me in this frame of mind, I even surprised myself. All I could manage to utter was ....That a$$hole drove me me crazy and I LET HIM!" at which point I gathered my composure and asked "we got vodka?"
They drive you to a planet of insanity that makes Twilight Zone look like the Brady Bunch. The feelings your having are normal, I mean normal in the context of where we are at with our addicts. It's more than an aha moment when we realize it and embracing it brings a lot of inward anger like how could i be so stupid, what was i thinking, etc.
You know what, we're here for you. just keep posting. know that what you are going through is a learning experience benefiting you!
the most candid emotional melt down i've had in 43 years was recently. my ABF overdosed and one of his druggie fems shared by deceased fiance's request to her;
"i wanna get in your pants do you a favor if ya gimme a pill". I cleaned the original statement up considerably!!
I arrived home, where his best friend was staying with me during transition and completely lost all control of myself. No one, NO ONE has ever seen me in this frame of mind, I even surprised myself. All I could manage to utter was ....That a$$hole drove me me crazy and I LET HIM!" at which point I gathered my composure and asked "we got vodka?"
They drive you to a planet of insanity that makes Twilight Zone look like the Brady Bunch. The feelings your having are normal, I mean normal in the context of where we are at with our addicts. It's more than an aha moment when we realize it and embracing it brings a lot of inward anger like how could i be so stupid, what was i thinking, etc.
You know what, we're here for you. just keep posting. know that what you are going through is a learning experience benefiting you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
I spent Valentines day watchingthe famous AA (Bill) movie last night with my AH. Thru the entire movie I watched his wife Lois. It was just like watching mysself.
Beleve the lies.
Cover up for him.
Make excuses for him.
Feel compassion...then get sucked back in.
Try to fix him.
Pick up after him...all the while he still so selfish...
Believe more lies...
I really did like tbe movie. It was like watching myself..
I am worried abot what "coffeedrinker" said about him being on a "treatment high". He is highly motivated. All he talks about is that he wants to succeed and make a difference...like become very involved in this for the rest of his life.
He wants to write his dissertation on this. We will see.
Beleve the lies.
Cover up for him.
Make excuses for him.
Feel compassion...then get sucked back in.
Try to fix him.
Pick up after him...all the while he still so selfish...
Believe more lies...
I really did like tbe movie. It was like watching myself..
I am worried abot what "coffeedrinker" said about him being on a "treatment high". He is highly motivated. All he talks about is that he wants to succeed and make a difference...like become very involved in this for the rest of his life.
He wants to write his dissertation on this. We will see.
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