meonlyme

Hi to everyone, Happy Valentine's Day

I've only posted on here 1 other time.
I would certainly appreciate some feedback and/or advice from anyone who wouldn't mind sharing their experiences and stories.
Here is my dilemma: (the short version)

I'm 66 yrs. old. My daughter has been an alcoholic for all her adult life. Pretty much 27 yrs. (give or take a few)
I can't even begin to tell the heart-wrenching stories.
All the painful incidents, and experiences, the total disrespect, verbal, physical and emotional abuse from her towards me over all these years. It would take too long to write, plus it's too emotionally exhausting.

I live in another state, approx. 1500 miles away. Due to a painful situation, that escalted just before the Christmas holidays, I made a decision to detatch from her. Even though we live far apart, I was so invested emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially in her life, that it was literally killing me. The draining of my spirit and the stress in all the areas I mentioned above, was literally making me sick. It has been, for well over 30 yrs.
This decision involved me changing my tele #, so she could not contact me, and me not contact her. It's been since Dec. 13th. 2 mos. now.
I felt like it was the only option I had left. I've never done this before. I've been there for her 100 + % and then some. My decision to do this was rash, swift and impulsive, but I knew in my heart if I didn't detatch, the situation was never going to change. In fact, I even thought it may worsen (if that's possible) What is it they say about insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result?
My daughter supposedly, had been sober at the time for 1 yr. I was proud of her. She works the AA program, so much it's become basically her whole life. What I don't understand is where her hatred comes regarding me. I have given until it hurts. I'm having a hard time with forgiveness. I love her so very much, but I don't like her all that well. I truly think she hates me.
Her actions towards me indicate this quite clearly.
I know she's spreading lies about me to family members ( she's done this before). I'm just keeping my mouth shut to everyone, only telling them to please not give her my new tele #. I've told family members to please keep contact with her, so she knows she's loved. She told my sister, whe can't deal with all the stress I put in her life (I almost choked on my own spit when I heard this) Me, put stress in her life? She blames and indicates to others, that it's all my fault, and she never wants to make amends. She's even turned my 8 yr. old granddaughter against me. I feel I just have to leave it in God's hands and not make any attempts to contact her. I believe It needs to be her to come to me. I have written her re-conciliation letters in the past when she has done something horrific. She seems to just make fun of them, indicating in so many words, she doesn't een read them,(just the attitude of "there goes mom again). Therefore, I won't do this again.
I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster of emotions with this. 1day, I'll tell myself I can do this. I'm okay with this. It's definitely more peaceful. The next day, I'm feeling tearful, sad and missing her. I pray for her well- being, safety, and all the things a mother would want for her child. I know in my heart, this is better for her and for me, but it's so sad, I'm so sad. I believe in my heart, she doesn't feel any remorse, guilt, shame or any sadness on her part.
I'm the only parent who ever helped her. I divorced her dad when she was 5. He was an alcoholic, abusive and an adulterer.
She thinks the sun rises and sets in him and he hasn't done squat for her.

At a minimum, just over the last 7 yrs. I've spent approx. $20,000 on her, her problems and financial dilemmas. I live on Soc. Sec. and don't have this kind of money, at my leisure. I've dipped into my savings for it. BUT, no more. Then....that old shame and guilt creep in, and all the echos of my past, start yelling at me about not being good enough, I failed as a mother, I'm a failure. What did I do to make her hate me so? Etc. etc.

Anyone...any suggestions on how to ride this out, any input at all, would be extremely helpful.
God Bless everyone
Anne

suki44883

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You did the right thing even though it may not seem so. The thing is...if she truly is working the AA program, she will be doing the step work. If she does this step work correctly, she will reach a point where she will have to take responsibility for her past actions. She will have to make amends to those she wronged. If this doesn't happen, then she is not taking the AA program seriously.

I know none of this makes it any easier on you, but please know that you were right to do what you did. You have to take care of yourself, and at the age of 47, it's is well past time your daughter did the same for herself. ((((HUGS))))

bookwyrm

My alcoholic was my XH - I don't really know how it feels to have an A child. But I do know how it feels to be blamed for everything going wrong in XAH's life. How I became the reason he drank. How I became the reason he couldn't stop drinking. How I was the reason his life was a 'mess'. And how I, finally, became the reason he cheated on me. He changed from someone who supposedly loved me to someone who seemed to hate everything about me and tried to hurt me repeatedly.

I too have cut all contact with him. It seems very strange - we were together 18 years, all my adult life, and I'm learning, finally, to be just me. I had lost myself in him. Now I'm finding myself, and I wouldn't be able to do that without cutting all ties to him. You too could benifit from cutting all ties. I have asked any common friends to not give me updates on him - it just unbalances me. I don't want to know what he is saying about me. What he said to my face was painful enough, I don't need more salt rubbed into my wounds. Maybe once I'm 'healed' I could take it but not now. You've been a mother to your child. She's a grown up now. Let her go her own way. Time to focus on you. Heal yourself. :ghug3

meonlyme

Suki,
Thank your for your prompt reply. It did my heart good to get your feedback.
I keep telling myself the same thing, but she's been working the AA program for quite a few yrs. now. While I'm so, so greatful she has this wonderful program, because I know without it she would be worse, I still 'don't get' why she 'doesn't get' it.
All the things she's told me she's learned from AA, and still, she never seems to accept responsibility for so many things. She's still in so much denial about so many things.
I guess sometimes the truth is too hard to deal with.... maybe? I seem to be the primary target for all her wrath, hatred and anger. I don't understand why. She has never admitted to anything and has never, not 1 time, offered me any apologies. I sometimes wonder if she has blacked them out, or has no memory of many things she's done, due to her drinking.
Hopefully and prayfully, in time she will.

MeHandle

Can you change anything by worrying what she thinks about you?

You stand before a higher judge then her. You can only make amends for what you believe you are guilty of/for.

If she is not content with that then she will continue to handle herself how she sees fit.

You can only handle your behavior in the situation.

Whether you choose not to contact her is up to you . Your "don't give her my phone #" positions says you don't want her to contact you.

Who knows, she could be reacting, she could be manipulating or she may really view things as she does and not want a relationship.

meonlyme

Bookwyrm,

I know what you mean about how it seems strange. It's almost like having a part of your body cut off. Learning to be ourselves, without that person who was so much a part of our lives. I too, felt like I lost myself to my daughter. I'm not sure I know who 'me' is without her, but I have to find out.
I too, felt like I wouldn't be able to do anything positive in my life without cutting all ties to her. It was like an ongoing soap opera. I don't even like to speak her name or hear any words about her, it's too painful and the wounds are too fresh and raw. Like you said, it unbalances me. I change the subject if anyone starts to say anything about her. Dito on this "what he said to my face was painful enough".
You put so well into words, what my exact same feelings are. Thank you for that. It gives me more of a voice, reading what you said. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I've been married twice to alcoholics. Very, painful.
God Bless

isurvived

I'm a mom too, with an alcoholic son. He's 27. He's a hopeless drunk like his father. He hates me too... and I've often felt like I failed him somehow. Truth is I didn't fail him. I was the parent that was there for him when he was a teen and heading for trouble. I held him accountable, and still do. I also cut off contact with him this last Fall, for the same reasons you expressed. (it was all too much for my heart to bear, watching him fall into the depths of alcoholism - and being effected by it in the same ways... emotionally, financially). I realized that there was nothing I did to cause it, and nothing I could do to change it. It's up to him, as it is your daughter too. But, boy it is hard to do, I know.

They blame us, because they don't want to take the blame.

You are doing the right thing, and hopefully both your daughter and my son will wake up soon and realize they need to change. I might add, when I made the decision to pull back I told him why, told him that he was an adult now, and in charge of his own life. I wished him happiness and told him that no matter what, I'd always love him as my son... but that I could not be witness to his life as it was.

Now, when I think of him, in a way it's like he's deceased. I think of him in past-tense... and remember what a wonderful little boy he was. That seems to still fill my heart with warmth. I hope you can bring forth some of those good past memories too.

least

It sounds like you've gone above and beyond the call of motherhood. Cutting all ties to her is probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now. Please don't feel guilty or ashamed of your actions. You are protecting yourself. You have a right to protect yourself. Her addiction to alcohol is NOT your problem. Likewise, the solution to her alcoholism is not your problem or responsibility. SHE is the only one who can change her life - if she wants to. Until then, you are wise to have nothing to do with her. You were not being harsh, just realistic.

Bernadette

Anyone...any suggestions on how to ride this out, any input at all, would be extremely helpful.

May I humbly suggest that riding it out is such a drag! You're still young. You can actively usher real change & joy into your life.

Have you been to AlAnon? We work the steps in AlAnon too, and for me it was a life changing experience, and I finally, finally had some tools at my disposal to help me deal w/ my A bros. I really was losing my mind before that. Therapy also helped me alot.

It must be terribly painful for you to have cut her off like this but it's just too painful to keep doing the same thing over and over. You absolutely did the right thing, I am just sorry it had to come after so much pain and suffering. You are brave and you are on the road to your own recovery now. Glad you're here - stick around - collectively we have seen it all on SR - so you're never alone!

peace-
b

steve11694

The 3 C's; you know them well already.

you are not dealing with a sane person.

You chose to enable her financially and as we all know, this only cushions them from feeling the need to get sober. What u did was from love and many parents do the same thing. Dont feel guilty. Many a night a say a silent prayer for my aw.

Spiritual Seeker

MY SON THOUGHT I WAS A MONSTER AND HAD MANY RESENTMENTS TOWARD ME

ONCE HE ACTUALLY WORKED THE AA STEPS HE REALIZED HE HAD IT WRONG.

YOU DID JUST THE RIGHT THING TO STOP THE DYSFUNCTIONAL DYNAMIC WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. yOU CAN'T CHANGE HER BUT YOU HAD THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU COULD. 30 YRS. OF SUFFERING, ENABLING AND HANGING ON TO A TORNADO IS LONG ENOUGH
yOU STOPPED TRYING TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP RIGHT. NOW WORK ON YOURSELF TO FIND YOUR JOY, HAPPINESS, CENTER, RECOVERY

WITHOUT THE DRAMA, WHO ARE YOU? What can you transfer this energy to.
Detach. At some point you will reunite. Hopefully, you will be different
and therefore so will the relationship

You get healthy first. If she then wants a relationship it will be her who has to
be different too

coffeedrinker

i'm gonna go with a different idea here.....

please know that i also agree with what those others have said - you don't deserve to be discarded.


my mother was very close to her brother their entire lives, until a few years ago. they had a falling out over a money issue. brother says she didn't pay him back according to their agreement (verbal) he's tired of her crap and needs to cut her out of his life. my mother says he kept "remembering" wrong and she was fufilling her end of agreement. after the falling out, he would not talk to her when she came to him to clear things up and make any nec. amends.
i say, the real truth is somewhere in middle.

both parties have done some "violations" and if only one, or if neither, can come to terms with that no progress can be made.

i know you have loved and loved your daughter. i know you have given and given. i know you are blameless in her alcoholism. what i want to suggest, is that perhaps she does have things that she is hanging onto, from your past together. no parent does everything perfectly right. and it is hard to look at our own selves and realize what pain we may have caused others. i don't wanna go on and on, because i don't want to cause you pain. just something to mull over, and possibly see things slightly differently. the 12 steps teach us to make repairs for the things we have done to hurt others. do you go to al-anon?

i wish you peace and truth in going forward.

grateful2b

Anne I understand this very difficult and painful journey you are on...
I am 62 and have a daughter who is an alcoholic and 7 months into recovery..after using for 11 years...

Years ago when she had been using 5 years, someone said to me: "you are in an abusive relationship." I was shaken by that comment..I obviously didn't see it that way.

A few years later, I arrived here, desperate, heartbroken, sick, and terrified for her..I had no clue how codependent I was...and I took everything she said and did personally, because I did not understand the disease

After learning the ropes from the people here, and attending Al-anon, and learning everything I could about addiction, I came to see how I had lived my life for my daughter in a very unhealthy and toxic way..no wonder she resented me!

I worked my recovery, learned the three C's, detached with love and focused on rebuilding my life, but the time came when I realized I had to step away from my daughter for her sake as well as mine.

We are the parent and we love our children; I struggled to like mine as well, but none of this is natural, but once we are through the necessary mourning period of our loss, we get to the point where we realize that we have to say: I have had enough...I matter ..I must take care of me, no apologies, as she must take care of her life...

and for me it was about survival..it was affecting my health on several levels....It is a choice we can make as they have made theirs...and it is a gift we give to ourselves and them, by choosing to take care of ourselves...they are still watching what we do, I think, long after we feel they no longer care..

My daughter and I are blessed now to be given the chance to rebuild our relationship..and we have been untying knots and making amends as we both work our recoveries and continue to move forward, no guarantees.

This came several years after I had chosen to step away and that eventually had an impact on her..I was no longer there to fix, or for her to blame, or act out on or spew hate, etc.. and a couple of years later she chose to reach out for help.

Anne, you deserve to have your life back, guilt free..take care of you and let her and HP take care of her...I am glad that you did what you needed to do for YOU....the turning point for me in my recovery was finally knowing that I deserved to have a whole life separate from her..and key to that was keeping the focus on me...

Anne, gentle hugs, and prayers for you and your daughter...

Electa

Hello MeOnlyMe:

Oh how well I can relate to your story! Especially when you say your cutting off your relationship with your daughter was like losing a part of your body.
I was once there, where you are now, with my daughter. When I made the decision to disengage, I felt numb with the grief and trauma.

Cutting off a relationship with your child is incredibly painful. However, it is an "amputation" like this that is necessary to cure the dreadful dynamic that existed before you made this decision. As painful as it may be to have cut off contact, you needed to make this move to heal yourself. And, you may help your daughter to heal herself, once she no longer has you to blame, to function as the scapegoat on which she can blame her problems. With you out of the picture, she will be forced to look at HERSELF.

My own daughter is either an alcoholic, or drinks alcoholically, and has depression to boot. While I have not cut off all contact with her, I finally managed to detach from her, and have been largely successful in avoiding involvement in her life. It was very hard, and very painful at first, but overall it has been good, for me AND for her. When I see her, or talk with her, I am careful what I say, and guard my feelings.

Your daughter knows, deep down, she has caused you great suffering, while she certainly would never admit it to you and may not be able to admit it to herself. My own daughter knows this too, and in fact, admitted as much to me when she was down here over the holidays. In a drunken ramble, when she was not guarding her tongue, she stated how sorry she was for "the hell" she has put me through.

She wants to do, and be, better. She has said as much to me. While I am dismayed at the choices she has made in life, I have been able to shed my feelings of shame and disgust, and to look at her like I'd look at ANY OTHER person. When I contemplate her situation I congratulate myself that I made good choices in life for myself, that I am living with the fruits of those choices, and realize how fortunate I am that I am me, and not her (or others like her).

Like you, I used this forum to seek advice and information. One of the best links I was given was: Hooks Which Keep Us IN Boundary-less Relationships. You'll find yourself there, and find ways to continue making growth as you cope with this tragedy in your life (and Alcoholism IS a tragedy). It will take time, and work, but you will surely get better, and hopefully your daughter will get better as well.

Alcoholics usually don't dry out until their drinking causes them greater distress than comfort. And oftentimes that distress is the estrangement they experience from their loved ones. Try to look at what you are doing as beneficial to your daughter, as it really IS.

Electa

meonlyme

I'd like to express my graditude for the responses to my post. I was feeling very overwhelmed. This site is such a blessing. I don't like to hear that others have gone through and are going throuch these same issues, but it sure helps knowing I'm not alone and that others have experienced similar issues. It helps so much to share. I'm sure at these times, in our pain and aloneness, we can sometimes feel that we're the only ones experiencing this kind of pain and these dilemmas, and reality tells us that is so far from the truth. Thank you for being my brothers and sisters in life.

Anne

Freedom1990

I have a 32 year old alcoholic/addict daughter. After years and years of being sucked dry emotionally and spiritually, I was finally able to detach. The thing that kept me hanging on for so long was the fact my grandchildren were involved.

There have been extended periods of no contact, but my 14 year old granddaughter made the decision to go live with her mother this past school year, so I do have contact. I never want to alienate my granddaughter from my life.

I have come to accept that it's the same insanity year after year. She has a lengthy police record now, has had several jail stints, hasn't worked since she was 18, and now has COPD from being a heavy cigarette/pot smoker. That's a disease commonly found in the elderly.

She has been exposed to 12 step programs since she was 8 years old (when I sobered up the first time). She doesn't think any of that is for her because she doesn't have a problem.

It has been a tremendous help to get involved in Alanon, and also seek out individual counseling for myself over the years.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.

I hope you continue to post here, and know you are among friends who understand.

meonlyme

Your posts meant so much to me. It really touched me. You all had so many points of wisdom. Many of you, having gone through the same with your child.
Today was a very painful day for me. I really started missing my daughter, the "why's", "why not's", all the sadness and feelings of loss, came down like a ton of bricks. The tears I have kept at bay for two mos. came flooding into my heart. I have heard, from a couple family members, how she doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't bring up her name, or comment, other then to say, "I'm not mad at her, just sad", and I'm not ready to speak to her yet either. How long does the pain feel so deep? Today, I hear via the family, my granddaughter's dad has been taken to jail for selling drugs. He's the father of my daughters little 8 yrs. old girl. My daughter lost custody of her when she went to jail.
I called my granddaughter on Valentimes' day but she wouldn't talk to me. This little girl has been through so much, it just breaks my heart, that she is going through so much at only 8 yrs. of age. My daughter can't take care of herself, let alone this child, so she will be taken care of by her dad's family. I'm so sad, just so darn sad. I know I have to let this go and just turn it over to God. He is the only one to turn too. Thanks for reading my 'junky' teary stuff.
Anne

CAPTAINZING2000

Sadly, it's easier for her to blame you for her failures then, to place any blame on herself.

Any chance your ex has told her things about you that, were untrue? Were you able to hold your tongue about your ex in front of her?

I look back at growing up with out a father. my mother worked long hours with out any help from anyone and on numerous occasions was very abusive to me.


I don't think you're are wrong to keep giving her money if, it can be used to enable her in her drinking. At age 47 she is a grown woman.

I admire any woman trying to raise a child by themselves. You did the best you knew how.

Speaking as am member of AA her program isn't worth a damn. We have to get honest in this program. It's not just not drinking in our lives, it's correcting our bad behavior as well. If, she's telling lies about you, that's not working the AA program as I know it.
Sadly, the people we love can be the ones that hurt us the worst. We have to pary forgiveness to them same as our enemies
Matthew 18:21-22.

Pray and have faith. We shouldn't underestimate the power of God in our lives. Why does bad things happen to good people, we'll never know . Continue to pray for your daughter accept what ever happens. Pray for God's will not your own will to be done.



Serenity Prayer
God grant me
the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference;

Living one day at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it:
Trusting that you will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

meonlyme

.

Thank you, those are two powerful quotes.

I didn't raise my dhtr. by myself, I remarried when she was 5 yrs. old. and her brother was 3.
I had a son with my 2nd husband. He is my rock.
It was a very stable home, no drinking, no drama. etc. When my dhtr. was 19, I left her step-father for numerous reasons, but none fell under the catagory of what my 1st. marriage was, which was abusive in every sense of the word.
My 2nd divorce, was an amicable divorce, we remained friends, until he remarried 8 yrs. ago. He was a good man, but never a hands-on father, (or husband) so 99.99% of the child raising was still mine.
Was I a perfect mother? No, I'm sure, I failed in many areas. Was I a horrible, abusive, non-caring mother, absolutely Not.
It seems my dhtr's AA program is working in some ways and in others it's not. Yes, she has always told lies about me. I don't even know if she remembers what she says. Believe me, I'm far from the perfect perfect person myself. Over the years of being involved with alcoholics (1 dhtr.) 3 husbands (which were all abusive relationships), I developed very serious co-dependency issue. My dhtr, likes to say this, "you're an addict too mom", referring to my co-dependency. I agree with her. I probably have as many issues with what co-dependency has caused (in different ways) as an alcoholic has with theirs. An addiction is an addiction is an addiction, is it not?
I live 1500 miles away from all this drama, . In some ways that's a good thing, in others it's not. I don't know what she's told my granddhtr, but I'm thinking it's prob. not all so good. I just have to remember to take things 1 day at time and not allow the this is take over.
God Bless and thank you,
Anne

CAPTAINZING2000

I had a strained relationship with my oldest daughter. I finally took the high road cause, I want to stay in contact with my grand daughters!

It's never easy. Your daughter must have low self esteem why else would she spread lies? Also, if she's spreading lies about you, Step 8,9, and 10 in AA has us take a look at ourselves and ask for forgiveness for our past and our present.