vb3

Hopefully I am putting this in the right place. I have an impending intervention I am trying to prepare for and thought I would ask for any suggestions or advice on what to say (or not to say) and what to expect. This is kind of lengthy but I wanted to try and get the important information in here. I'm sure I've left things out, but here goes.

My mom is probably addicted to marijuana. My brothers (3 of them) and I have noticed signs and patterns over the last 6 years. It may be a much longer period than that, but we only started to really notice it as I was in my early to mid 20s. I'm 31 now, and have been able to avoid doing anything about it because I have been in college, gotten married, etc. One of my brothers is also about to get married, and the time has come to do something about our mom.

I live about 6 hours away from my parents, and I have been out of their house for about 5 years now. While I lived there my mom would spend a lot of time in the bathroom and come out smelling of a peculiar blend of smoke and a scent (citrus, etc) to try and mask it. When we do get together now (at holidays or on visits) the bathroom trips probably happen 3-5 times a day. We have found ashes in our sinks and toilets when she is done. Being at another person's house doesn't stop her - she regularly does it at our home, at our grandparent's home, at my brother and fiancee's home, at out-of-the way bathrooms in the public, etc. We are usually late going out as a family because she is in the bathroom. When we all lived at home it was easier for her to blame being late on us - and I'm sure we contributed to it anyway - but now the pattern is her being the last person out the door.

My brothers and I probably contributed to whatever it is that makes her feel she needs marijuana to cope with her life. But that's beside the point - it needs to stop and the decision ultimately rests with her.

My dad is a wonderful man, who is capable of complete oblivion should the situation require it. I think he has decided not to do anything about this - his job takes him out of town for 3-5 days a week and it is all too easy to find an excuse not to tackle something like this when you only get to see your wife for a few days each week. Two of my brothers still live at home - one is in college and another had to move back in because of a breakup and ensuing financial difficulties. Myself and my other brother live farther away. Our family life was not the easiest - we moved when I was 10, and my brothers were all born 4 years apart (31, 27, 23, 19) - but we had a good home, two parents who were involved in our lives, and more opportunities than some children. Somewhere along the way, unhappiness seeped into our lives, and family gatherings are more customary than enjoyable (for me, at least, and seemingly so for some of my other brothers).

Hopefully that captures the situation for you. I have talked with my brothers and our wives/fiancees about this already. We all know something is going on, and we all agree that something needs to be done. I asked my dad about it once under the broad topic of smoking, and he said he mentioned something to her about it once and she blew him off, said she didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't push him any farther. Basically, everyone seems all too willing to ignore the situation or wait for someone else to deal with it. I'm not home so I don't know how it affects my mom's day to day life - I don't know if it keeps her from functioning or not. I only know what I see on holidays, and those times are a bit different in terms of how we function on a daily basis. I do know that my wife and I have decided not to put up with it anymore, at least in our own house. I am working on a PhD and will be graduating this December, at which point my wife and I will probably try to start a family. I'm not going to expose my kids to this. I'm willing to cut all ties with my parents - and anyone that I only see at their house - if my mom doesn't seek help.

I have done a small bit of research online and watched the show Intervention a lot, so I generally understand that this needs to be conducted in a safe, supportive, non-aggressive manner. I also know I need to draw a line in the sand beyond which I won't cross. I'm less familiar with how to decide if someone needs to go to rehab, or even where to send someone if they agree they need help. A hospital? Rehab center? Counseling? I would appreciate any other suggestions folks on the forum might have - hopefully you've been through something similar and it wasn't as bad as you thought it might be, because I see this situation going south in a hurry. When someone won't even admit to what is plainly obvious but unaddressed because of fear and laziness, issuing them an ultimatum of choosing between their loved ones and a drug might be too much for them to handle.

Thanks.

DesertEyes

Hello there vb3, and pleased to "meet" you

You have clearly done your "homework" on this matter, good for you. As far as your specific questions, start by visiting our forum "next door"

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

and particularly the "sticky" posts at the very top. There is a lot of wonderful information there.

If your parents have insurance coverage, then a rehab is definetly a good idea. Best place to find one is at local meetings of al-anon, as those folks have first hand experience with the rehabs in your area. You can find al-anon in your local phone book, or here

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

If they don't have insurance coverage then counseling is the next best thing.

Close, but not quite the way it works.

Ultimatums rarely work, and if they do it's only for a short time.

The way an "intervention" is supposed to be set up is you "draw a box" around the addict. Every single person they turn to for "enabling" must put up a "boundary" that basically states they will no longer "enable". Then you leave _one_ opening out of the box, which is to go into treatment / rehab / counseling / etc.

What you do not see on the TV show is the incredible amount of time and preparation it takes to get _all_ family members to agree, as well any other enablers such as employers, neighbors, friends, etc. From your post, it sounds like you first need to do an intervention on your dad, because your mom is going to run straight to him at the first sign of challenge to her addiction.

It may be besides the point to you, but you can count on your mom jumping all over that issue to justify her use. One of the maxims of addiction is that the "disease" will go to any lengths to protect itself. The addiction _will_ turn your mother into a hostile, aggresive and downright nasty person before she admits to a problem. Unlike the TV show, chances are she will _not_ admit to anything, and the only reson she will begrudgingly admit to treatment is to prove _you_ wrong.

Something else the TV show does not present is that if you fail to setup a "watertight" intervention, and it fails, it becomes hugely more difficult to do a second one. I strongly suggest you check out a few meetings of al-anon first, then meet with a counselor at a local treatment facility and get them to help you out.

That may seem the issues on the surface. Generally, there is a _lot_ more going on. As a general rule, people "enable" an addict because they get some kind of "payoff" in return. Fear and laziness are _passive_ motivations, they lead people to do _nothing_. Enabling takes a huge amount of work and effort, people have to be _positively_ driven to put up with, and cover up, all the chaos that an addict creates.

It seems clear to me that you are on the right track in prepareing your intervention. I do think there are some very important details you need to explore and that al-anon and a local professional are your best resources.

I'm glad you decided to join us. Please check out our other forum "next door" and continue posting any other questions you may have.

Mike

hps

Maybe I've read too many of the alcohol and opium addiction postings, but I don't see anything too terrible that your mother has done. She is embarrassing, and she is smoking lots of marijuana. And if nothing else happens, your father is unlikely to do much about it. So I don't see why the intervention would work.

Maybe you should work more on what you are willing to tolerate- your boundaries, rather than her intervention. It's fair enough to kick her out of your house for smoking pot in it, and then not inviting her back. But cutting all ties- seems a bit much, no?

vb3

I suppose in the context of all substance abuse possibilities this seems fairly tame. But I am going to be raising kids of my own one day and I won't let her around them if she is abusing anything. And the way I see it, requiring her to be clean to be in my life will force her to decide whether she wants me in hers or if she would rather smoke pot.

I appreciate the suggestions and opinions (all of them).

barb dwyer

Well, there's always just up and asking what's going on?

Like hps, I'm not qute seeing a dramatic intervention thing.

But-
remember there's TWO lanes in the recovery street.
There's those who are abusing something,
and there's those who love them.

Both... need help.

And help for both is available.

Maybe use this ability to research and find out why
it can't be simply asked?
Why does it need to be this big thing?

For all you know
she could be on some kind of chemo
and just sparing your feelings
until they know if tit's done the job?

And ashes in a sink
could just be cigarettes.

While I applaud the care for a family member,
I'm questioning the drama.

dothi

Welcome to SR, vb3 I can't help but wonder does this situation have to be black&white? So all or nothing?

I agree that this is definitely a valid concern - especially as your children could be involved. In the case that an intervention does not work, would a healthy boundary suffice? Just as any of us would do with an alcoholic parent, set a clear boundary: "if you choose to smoke pot while you are visiting me/my children, then I will ask you to leave," followed by, "I'm sorry mom, but you've chosen to smoke pot around me/my children, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Or something to that effect.

Something any of us with parents who have addictions initially learn to accept is that we can't control other people. We can't control their decisions, BUT we can control how we respond to those decisions. Right now your solution seems to depend entirely on your mom changing her choices (quitting pot). If your mom does not meet these expectations, is your consequence going to be no-contact (end of your relationship with her)?

Generally an intervention with an alcoholic aims to address not just alcohol consumption but the harmful behaviors the alcoholic also chooses when they choose alcohol. I am just curious: does your mom exhibit hurtful behaviors when she is high?

I am also reluctant to support a full-blown intervention, although it may be worthwhile letting your mom know that her family is concerned, there are reasons why pot is illegal, and you are particularly feeling hurt by her behavior. She especially should know that you feel she is choosing pot over her relationship with you (which she may not realize). I do agree with others that before you do an intervention, carefully evaluate everyone's roles and what outcomes are most likely to happen.

I also contend that ultimatums in relationships rarely have their desired effect. Often we want our parents to stop the drinking so that everything else will improve, only to find that alcohol wasn't the source of our present unhappiness but a symptom of a larger, underlying problem. Before you pin your point of contention solely on pot, ask yourself what else is really bothering you about your mom when she's high.

Don't take these questions as me doubting your position. It is in your right to feel uncomfortable and set boundaries regarding another person's drug/alcohol addiction - no question about it!