Going to events where there is alcohol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Going to events where there is alcohol
It will be a week tomorrow since I've found out that my boyfriend of 4months is a recovering alcoholic. He relapsed for the past 5 months.
He says he can still go to events where there is alcohol, and I can drink around him-he can handle it. He said if it bothers him, he will let me know.
This sounds like a really bad idea to me. It seems like he shouldn't be anywhere near alcohol.
He says he can still go to events where there is alcohol, and I can drink around him-he can handle it. He said if it bothers him, he will let me know.
This sounds like a really bad idea to me. It seems like he shouldn't be anywhere near alcohol.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Unfortunately--alcohol is everywhere these days...restaurants, sporting events, and even at some amusement parks etc. If he was still feeling nervous, shaky about his recovery then maybe it wouldn't be the best thing right now. You shouldn't feel under any obligations to change anything about you--whether to drink or not--on account of him. If he is working a program it won't matter. But he does have a choice as to what situations he places himself in. If he goes to AA--it talks about in the literature where we shouldn't avoid going certain places where alcohol is present as long as our motives are in proper order---ie like weddings and other events. As long as he is in fit spiritual condition and is both honest with you and himself--about his own recovery--there should be no problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
I'm never sure about this question. I think it comes down to the individual themselves and what they're comfortable with.
I personally wouldn't drink around my brother at functions where there was alcohol, but that was more my way of not rubbing it in his face that he was alcoholic and I'm not(or that's how I think it was in my head!)
I thought that as an adult he could make his own decision wether to be around alcohol or not, and wether or not to drink it.
I personally wouldn't drink around my brother at functions where there was alcohol, but that was more my way of not rubbing it in his face that he was alcoholic and I'm not(or that's how I think it was in my head!)
I thought that as an adult he could make his own decision wether to be around alcohol or not, and wether or not to drink it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: At my computer
Posts: 28
It really is hard to avoid events that include alcohol for the rest of your life. We are actually facing this tonight. My husband has been sober for a little more than 60 days and we are going to a wedding tonight. I asked him how he would feel if I had a glass of wine. He said that it would be ok but I could sense hesitation in his voice. I said "you really aren't ok with it are you?" he said "I just don't know how I will be". For this reason I will not have a glass of wine and that is ok, if it means keeping his sobriety, no big deal to me. I just know that tonight I will pretty much be attached to him like velcro, making sure he is ok.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
tippet - little confused. you've been dating for 4 months, and he's "relapsed for the pat five months". does this mean he has been drinking from yesterday back til september? so, he's currently drinking? but wishes to stop?
angelina - i agree that she shouldn't have to alter her activities, and that if he's strong in his program it shouldn't matter. but, he is likely vulnerable, and imo if she wants to be supportive, she should abstain. for the time being that is.
hopesanddreams husband is only sober 60 days. you are my idea of a loving spouse.
anvilhead - good advice. think about this reply.
angelina - i agree that she shouldn't have to alter her activities, and that if he's strong in his program it shouldn't matter. but, he is likely vulnerable, and imo if she wants to be supportive, she should abstain. for the time being that is.
hopesanddreams husband is only sober 60 days. you are my idea of a loving spouse.
anvilhead - good advice. think about this reply.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
In early recovery it is not really advisable to go to any 'wet place' if it can be avoided; it takes time and a solid program to build the strength to do this and handle it. And I think that a supportive partner would not drink alcohol around their partner in the early days; if they can't do that, then maybe they should look at their own attitude to alcohol. The Big Book says that we should not be afraid of alcohol if we are on strong spiritual ground; it also says we go into wet places if we have a good reason for doing so. When I was in treatment (outpatient) for a year, part of the contract was that I would not go in any place where alcohol was present; not even to family parties. No excuses, no exceptions. I am glad that I did this, as I did not have the knowledge of the program etc. that I needed to go to pubs etc. Why would someone in really early recovery put themselves through a situation like this, with temptation all around. If he must go, then always make sure he has an 'escape route' - a way out if it gets too much. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Hoboken, NJ
Posts: 7
My ABF (well, quasi-BF, we're in the midst of deciding about breaking up) just started trying to get sober in October, and swore he is fine in situations with alcohol. He acted as a designated driver for a bachelor party... he lets people who come over here bring drinks. He's planning to go to Vegas for another bachelor party and I think it's a horrible idea. He swears that it's actually one of the easier times, because he knows to have his guard on the whole time.
I don't know. He says to drink in front of him. Most people I talk to say to. But my gut tells me differently. I quite smoking a few years ago, and I will not willingly be in the presense of smoking. It's too hard, and I know it's only a matter of time. I am fine when they're not around, but if cigarettes are around, it's a ticking time bomb. Should I theoretically be able to not smoke even when smokes are lying around the house? Sure. But I'm human. And I've realized that it's MUCH easier if I just avoid them, and either way, I'm not smoking. Knowing how much the temptation gets to me when I'm around smokers, it blows my mind that Todd says it's fine to drink in front of him, and doesn't avoid drinking situations.
Maybe I'm a super anomoly... but I don't think it's that hard to avoid drinking. I never drink. None of my friends drink regularly -- an occassional glass of wine with dinner, or cocktail at the party -- but nothing that wouldn't be trivial to give up. I don't understand why his parents still serve wine at family dinners. I get that it's unhealthy to tiptoe around someone or sacrifice too much -- but drinking alcohol is such a trivial thing! To me, it's common curtosy. I sure as hell would expect those who love me not to smoke around me (though luckily I only know a few smokers). Our of support, and consideration. If my BF were allergic to chocolate I probably wouldn't eat that in front of him either. To me that's not codependent, it's curtosy.
But I seem to be in the vast minority, and I haven't yet been to Al-anon, so consider that as you read.
I don't know. He says to drink in front of him. Most people I talk to say to. But my gut tells me differently. I quite smoking a few years ago, and I will not willingly be in the presense of smoking. It's too hard, and I know it's only a matter of time. I am fine when they're not around, but if cigarettes are around, it's a ticking time bomb. Should I theoretically be able to not smoke even when smokes are lying around the house? Sure. But I'm human. And I've realized that it's MUCH easier if I just avoid them, and either way, I'm not smoking. Knowing how much the temptation gets to me when I'm around smokers, it blows my mind that Todd says it's fine to drink in front of him, and doesn't avoid drinking situations.
Maybe I'm a super anomoly... but I don't think it's that hard to avoid drinking. I never drink. None of my friends drink regularly -- an occassional glass of wine with dinner, or cocktail at the party -- but nothing that wouldn't be trivial to give up. I don't understand why his parents still serve wine at family dinners. I get that it's unhealthy to tiptoe around someone or sacrifice too much -- but drinking alcohol is such a trivial thing! To me, it's common curtosy. I sure as hell would expect those who love me not to smoke around me (though luckily I only know a few smokers). Our of support, and consideration. If my BF were allergic to chocolate I probably wouldn't eat that in front of him either. To me that's not codependent, it's curtosy.
But I seem to be in the vast minority, and I haven't yet been to Al-anon, so consider that as you read.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
It does not sound like he is taking his recovery very seriously. I would be EXTREMELY cautious of A's who minimize their relationship with alcohol and even willingly place themselves in situations in early sobriety where they can 'test' themselves, as if they do not recognize the terrible consequences that will follow should they 'fail' their little test.
You say that he has been relapsing for the last five months? Then under no circumstances should he be anywhere where there is drinking going on.
You say that he has been relapsing for the last five months? Then under no circumstances should he be anywhere where there is drinking going on.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Sorry--I may have misread your original post. I thought he last relapsed 5 months ago but that you have been dating for 4 months and that he is recovering. If he isn't sober or is newly sober then I agree that he should think twice before putting himself in that type situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
yeah, still don't know whether this guy in the o.post is currently drinking, or has some new sober time. but, i just read what triala posted, and they are in trouble. i think sometimes they feel and act all strong as a kind of bravado - like it's a source of pride or something to be around it and have no cravings. but sometimes i believe the dry alcoholic puts himself around it intentionally. they like to be around it, and to a very small degree, they are using vicariously through the others drinking around them.
there's no way someone in the know would advise a newly sober person to expose themselves to all of that.
if you keep hanging out in a barbershop, eventually you're gonna get a haircut
there's no way someone in the know would advise a newly sober person to expose themselves to all of that.
if you keep hanging out in a barbershop, eventually you're gonna get a haircut
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Well, I don't hang around in bars since, I've gotten sober but, I've went to concerts, comedy clubs, sporting events and wedding since being sober. Wedding receptions make me a little edgy. Once the meal has been finished and it's mostly drinking afterwards, I usually leave and I've got several 24 hours in without relapsing. We have a saying of HALT. hungry, angry lonely or tired. I make sure, my spiritual condition is where it should be and my emotions etc. are where they should be.
If, you can take or leave a drink alone while with him, I'd suggest you not drink since, he's not got any long term sobriety. Bare in mind, we don't get sober to be social lepers the rest of our lives. But, many of our lives depend on sobriety above everything else.
Best of luck to you
If, you can take or leave a drink alone while with him, I'd suggest you not drink since, he's not got any long term sobriety. Bare in mind, we don't get sober to be social lepers the rest of our lives. But, many of our lives depend on sobriety above everything else.
Best of luck to you
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
