OneLastChance

I can not do it on my own. I am truly powerless, helpless and completely terrified but I am ready to give up trying to quit on my own.

I'm 38 yrs old. I've drank most all of my life. I concede I have issues in my past that I have refused to deal with and in turn, have become a person who refuses to deal with anything in any way.

I've faked it in the past. I've actually used meetings to sneak off and drink, leaving my wife and young daughter at home thinking I was trying to get sober.

I've crushed my wife time and again by sneaking, drinking and lying. In the last months its come to a head. I stand to lose a family and my life. I haven't stopped.

I was told by a doctor I needed to stop. I didn't stop.

I know I need to stop but I am powerless on my own to stop.

This is my only real chance. I see it work for many people. I'm willing to give it 100%, I hope.

I surrender.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!! There are a whole lot of people here, who have been, or still are where you are...sit down, get comfortable, and stick around a while....you're not alone, and there are some very supportive people here.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Dee74

Hi OneLastChance

Welcome to SR

I remember when I surrendered and accepted my drinking was done.
Things got better then

Like Amy said, this is a great place for support
Read around and post as much as you like.

What have you tried before - any recovery programmes, rehabs, counselling?

D

yeahgr8

Good go to AA then and work the steps with a sponsor...38 is a great age to get sober, i'm 38 and i know loads of people, in fact the majority of people i know in AA, got sober at 38...maybe coincidence, maybe not?!

OneLastChance

Thank you. It means a lot to have somewhere like this to vent.

To answer you I've attended A.A. meetings before but usually continued to drink. There is a great noon meeting I was attending but right after work I was right in my old habits.

Other than AA I've only tried to quit on my own. I posted a blong entry that is more life revealing. I have started to go back to this meeting and plan on getting a sponsor in the next meeting I attend.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired but lying to my wife and family makes me feel miserable and as we know, guilt leads us back to our problem.

shaun00

Can you call your local AA helpline?.......they may be able to get you to a meeting..Or at least give you some advice on where the nearest meeting is.

For me i had to reach that level of desperation to open up my mind at little.
good time drinking was years past along with having any choice.

like you i knew i was powerless....i sobered up a few times with help....but quickly become absorbed by the thought of drinking again.

After a life time of chronic alcoholism i parked my sorry butt in AA.....And tried to get to grips with what the hell they were going on about.
i was told if i got on with the 12 steps with as much passion as i drank i was gonna be ok.....

but not only ok..........they told me i could recover..
"oh yeah sure recover"......i thought.
i thought id be gripping the sides of the armchair for the rest of my life trying not to drink.

this year will be 10 years since i took my last desperate drink.
i did recover............and life grew into something beyond my comprehension.
life is life.....it aint always easy..........but alcohol plays no part in it anymore.
and it plays no part in my mind..

i guess i just wanted to tell you........life is possible without booze.
because i never thought it was.
not just possible.......your whole outlook on life and and everything in it will change.....

the best years of your life could lie ahead of you.........it did for me the minute i picked up the book "alcoholics anonymous" and did what it suggested i do......with the help of a sponsor.

what you got to lose?..........jump right in.
and then post how your doing.
god be with you.

OneLastChance

Thanks. I have a great family and a wife who seems to still love me even though I've put her through hell.

I'm an alcoholic who lies about drinking. I've hid it from her since she forbade me to bring it home. I have had a Dr tell me I must quit or look for a liver donor soon.

My wife is aware of this and in the times when she's found my alcohol around hidden she is baffled by it.

This is my last chance but probably my first real attempt. I've lost a bucnh but still have plenty more to lose if I don't seek help in earnest.

I'm headed to get some sleep. I plan on being involved here which will probably indicate my dedication to making this work.

Todd

OneLastChance

Thanks for that.

I have the big book and picked it up again yesterday.

I plan on doing just that. Its 1130 here so I'll be at a meeting in the morning.

I feel exactly the way you explained. I need my eyes opened to how far gone I really am and I'm hoping this program does that.

I envy what you have - and I hope, if I'm honest and follow the program, I can help someone someday.

Thanks again - later guys.

serenityqueen

least

I could not stay sober until I surrendered to the fact that alcohol would always kick my @ss if I kept drinking. I finally wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. All the best to you in your journey to a better sober life.

Welcome to SR!

OneLastChance

I have a question. More than once the term honesty has come up and all in all THAT'S my biggest hurdle.

I have spun a web of lies for years to many people but mostly to my wife.

Someone mentioned that I needed to get a sponsor asap and be completely honest with them. Did others here find it hard to admit to drinking while attending meetings or falling off and feeling ashamed to contact their sponsor afterwards?

I remember in 08 when I did take the step and get a sponsor I went on vacation within 2 weeks afterwards and ended up driniking heavily while there. When I returned I felt ashamed and just never called him back.

Should I try and contact the same guy? Or start anew? I haven't seen him at the regular meeting I was attending until thrusday when he came late and left early.

I guess what I'm asking is what do you guys think about me contacting him after all this time?

shaun00

Do it....and do it today.

intention

Welcome.

I would guess he would love to hear from you. He's been waiting all this time for you to call so he can show you the solution.



In AA there is nothing to be ashamed about if you have been drinking. We have all been there and we all understand. If you can admit to it, talk about it, share about it, then you are part way to working step 1. Honesty with yourself is very important and it is easier to do this with people who understand (other alcoholics) rather than those who don't (like your wife) at the moment.

Please keep us updated.

OneLastChance

Thanks. I am initiating contact today.

The part about conversing with others with our problem is one of the biggest things I seem to have gotten from my latest readings of the big book.

shaun00

...

Sounds like a plan..
Id be interested to hear how you got on with the steps last time..

The steps are the program of recovery......i tried getting and staying sober by just going to meetings.....and drank again.

i missed the elephant in the room.......and continued to miss it.
i was a sick dry drunk spewing out the same whinning junk week in week out.
in meeting.

kind of like going to the mechanic to fix my car and just talking about it and never getting in to the engine.......consequently nothing happened.
nothing got "fixed"..

how do you intend to stop.......you gonna check in with the doc?......
what your thoughts?

you can pm me anytime bud.......names shaun.

OneLastChance

I went for a long time before and didn't get a sponsor. And like I mentioned, I did and then just stopped after time away from the program.

I have yet to start sharing at meetings but just sitting there looking all solem and ****. I have to stick out like a sore thumb because everyone else is chatting it up and getting on with being friends.

I'm planning on doing exactly as my sponsor says and not deviate from it.

Now when you say see a doc, you mean like a medical doc? If so, I'm currently out of work thus no insurance so I can't afford a visit but I can tell you pretty much what its going to say -- "Your liver functions indicate you need to stop drinking now."

I'm reading through a few of the threads on this page and wonder if anyone else was told to quit because of a doctor's visit? To be honest, I know I'd put those I love intpo the position to approach me about my problem but the doc beat me to it.

Plus my wife opened the letter from his office and so she fuh-reaked out.

Also, in terms of a job - I had always drank but it escalated bigtime when I started working in the automotive sales business. My friend who's uncle owns a large dealership got me on and I spent 6 plus years there. Problem with that was he always - every night - wanted a drinking buddy and I didn't have to pay for anything. We'd just tell our wives we had business and stay late.

As I've said, I left there in jan 09 on my own and have bounced around quite a bit but I still had the habit of drinking after work, gas stations on the way home sell 16 oz beer on ice for .99 and I knew the route like the back of my hand. So, to my question:

I can go back to that job at the same dealership if I choose. My wife has serious, serious issues with it because she knows what went on in those years but as I've said to her before, I have been away from there for a year now and I'm in the same shape.

I could get insurance there and a company vehicle but what about the influences? I mentioned to her I thought that if I told everyone there, bosses and co-workers I cared to let know, that I was an alcoholic and was in a program trying to get straight. Also, let them know my medical situation and maybe that would ease some of the things I delt with before.

I told my friend about the diagnosis and he was pretty much like "sucks to be you." "I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't drink beer." and so on.

But, my bills are piling up and the free time is dealing me fits. I believe I can make a good living there because of the support (business-wise) and because I built a business there and I've proven that its ME WHO DRINKS not whrere I am.

The biggest plus is the AA meeting I started with and seem to be the most confortable is right across the street and I could got every day.

But "if you spend enough time in a barbershop, you're bound to get a haircut."

What do you think?

OneLastChance

Having a doctor telling me to quit abrutly set my alcoholic mind in motion bigtime.

About 4 1/2 yrs ago a doc visit for a routine check up resulted in blood work coming back with my liver enzymes elevated keeping me from getting cholesterol meds.

Doc asked me how much I drank and you guys might not believe this but I wasn't totally honest -- eventually, after a few more visists with a specialist, he sat me down and just came out and said you have to stop drinking all together.

He then told me as he saw it, by the age of 40 I'd be past the point of no return. I was 33 at the time, or maybe 34 - anyway, my alcoholic mind said "Hey, I have until 40".

I quit for about 3 months but attended no meetings - I now know I was a dry drunk w/o any spiritual help.

The way I looked at it was I was still functioning just fine. Had a family, job and was relatively happy. Here I am now later with things falling apart.

I think the hiding and lying over and over to my wife is the ugliest part and the part that's endagering my family. The common denominator is alcohol. When I'bve lied and gotten busted it was when she was worried about me dying and asking how I was handling it.

I would sneak and sneak and say I was good and say I was headed to a meeting and drive around for an hour drinking.

I need to be reprogramed or something and quit saying - "well I don't blackout" or "I don't drink that much" or "who is it hurting".

Not sure the point but felt the need to add this.