Advice on divorcing an AH?
Advice on divorcing an AH? 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Your lawyer is the one who can best advise you.
The general advice would be to make copies of all important documents and make sure that he can't take away all the funds you need to pay the bills.
Good luck. And see about keeping yourself safe.
The general advice would be to make copies of all important documents and make sure that he can't take away all the funds you need to pay the bills.
Good luck. And see about keeping yourself safe.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Haven't got any as I'm going through it right now, having listened to peoples stories over the years it seems there are many different paths and outcomes.
just be gentle on yourself, take time to think things through if you can, try and get an independent ear on what is a "fair" settlement, but balance that with what is worth fighting over.
from my experience so far: try not expect your other half to validate your choice, or accept your reasons, or fit your definition of fair or reasonable or stick to their word or act rationally or acknowledge your feelings. Other people seem to have had the opposite experience, but I'm not sure that is the norm.
do expect to feel sad and angry and glad and hopeless and happy and confused and determined and all manner of other emotions, but maybe not right away, I was numb for ages. It was very hard seperating me from him emotionally, and in my thoughts. It gets better though, much better
just be gentle on yourself, take time to think things through if you can, try and get an independent ear on what is a "fair" settlement, but balance that with what is worth fighting over.
from my experience so far: try not expect your other half to validate your choice, or accept your reasons, or fit your definition of fair or reasonable or stick to their word or act rationally or acknowledge your feelings. Other people seem to have had the opposite experience, but I'm not sure that is the norm.
do expect to feel sad and angry and glad and hopeless and happy and confused and determined and all manner of other emotions, but maybe not right away, I was numb for ages. It was very hard seperating me from him emotionally, and in my thoughts. It gets better though, much better
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I'm divorced. It took 2 years to get it completed.
I gave my AH a million chances to do something about his problem. Then gave him the ultimatum... get help or I'm really, really going to divorce you this time! (that was 4 years ago). He made one last half-hearted attempt at getting his act cleaned up... and wrote me a letter stating that if I would just give him one more chance and if he failed - that he would walk away from everything. Of course I believe that, I kept his letter that basically relinquished everything we jointly owned over to me.
Fast forward two years later, he was really declining, drinking and very ugly. I filed after one verbal warning "go tonight to get help or I'm done". It fell on deaf ears.
I filed. Well, when it got down to him realizing that this time I meant business, and that there were no "one more chances" left, and that I really WAS divorcing him - he changed his tune. He instantly turned into the most greedy person on this earth. He was out for blood, and even went so far as to have our home listed for sale without my permission. (that is legal btw). I had custody of our son, and lived in the marital home.
Our divorce took 2 years from the filing date. I had a huge legal bill. It was a grind. And at times, I felt overwhelmed. I had a very capable attorney. That helps a lot! It takes on a life of it's own... a divorce. I got through it, came out in good shape. I had documented a lot, and even though we live in a "no-fault" state... having that documentation was in my favor.
I played fair, no dirty tricks, but stuck to my principles. My atty was professional, but not an "out for blood" person. Firm, and professional. She kept me grounded, kept it on course.
All I can say is the day the judge made it official, I jumped for joy. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. What a relief! It's been nearly a year, and I'm doing just great... healing, feeling more confident and content each day. It was worth it.
I gave my AH a million chances to do something about his problem. Then gave him the ultimatum... get help or I'm really, really going to divorce you this time! (that was 4 years ago). He made one last half-hearted attempt at getting his act cleaned up... and wrote me a letter stating that if I would just give him one more chance and if he failed - that he would walk away from everything. Of course I believe that, I kept his letter that basically relinquished everything we jointly owned over to me.
Fast forward two years later, he was really declining, drinking and very ugly. I filed after one verbal warning "go tonight to get help or I'm done". It fell on deaf ears.
I filed. Well, when it got down to him realizing that this time I meant business, and that there were no "one more chances" left, and that I really WAS divorcing him - he changed his tune. He instantly turned into the most greedy person on this earth. He was out for blood, and even went so far as to have our home listed for sale without my permission. (that is legal btw). I had custody of our son, and lived in the marital home.
Our divorce took 2 years from the filing date. I had a huge legal bill. It was a grind. And at times, I felt overwhelmed. I had a very capable attorney. That helps a lot! It takes on a life of it's own... a divorce. I got through it, came out in good shape. I had documented a lot, and even though we live in a "no-fault" state... having that documentation was in my favor.
I played fair, no dirty tricks, but stuck to my principles. My atty was professional, but not an "out for blood" person. Firm, and professional. She kept me grounded, kept it on course.
All I can say is the day the judge made it official, I jumped for joy. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. What a relief! It's been nearly a year, and I'm doing just great... healing, feeling more confident and content each day. It was worth it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
You will receive wonderful sharing of experience and hope here.
I will share from the other side. I was married to a woman who truly loved me for 13 years. I put her through hell for most of them. After trying just about everything, she divorced me. The state I was in was so bad I didn't care. I walked (ran) away, leaving her in terrible financial shape. I took what I thought I wanted and she had no problem with it. It meant little beyond the acquisition of the "stuff". I was bent on self destruction anyway.
Fast forward five years: I had gotten sober on 2006 and my life changed. I emailed her for closure, after not seeing her for those five years and not communicating for 2 1/2, to let her know what life had become and note the overwhelming harm I caused her. Basically I said, for now all I can do about amends is live life giving back and some day maybe make some other amends. I left it at that and moved on.
Life was good.
Then, out of nowhere, our paths crossed on the internet, another miracle story. That was Sept 2008 and we remarried in July of 08. Life has its' own set of issues but we are doing very well. None of this could have happened had she not divorced me. By divorcing me I followed my self-destructive course until I, at last, surrendered.
I can't say the same will happen with anyone else for we are a rare occurrence.
Regardless, do what ensures your freedom and ability to live a good life. He will have to follow his own course to whatever end. Should by some miracle he gets sober, life can only get better knowing another soul is free of that hell.
The alcoholic/addict affects all around him and they too are sick. So its' vitally important you find what works for you. Let go of him and focus on you.....
Life is worth living as whole person, not relying another to make you so. The next relationship you develop can be based on equality and not dependence.
Fare well in your journey....
I will share from the other side. I was married to a woman who truly loved me for 13 years. I put her through hell for most of them. After trying just about everything, she divorced me. The state I was in was so bad I didn't care. I walked (ran) away, leaving her in terrible financial shape. I took what I thought I wanted and she had no problem with it. It meant little beyond the acquisition of the "stuff". I was bent on self destruction anyway.
Fast forward five years: I had gotten sober on 2006 and my life changed. I emailed her for closure, after not seeing her for those five years and not communicating for 2 1/2, to let her know what life had become and note the overwhelming harm I caused her. Basically I said, for now all I can do about amends is live life giving back and some day maybe make some other amends. I left it at that and moved on.
Life was good.
Then, out of nowhere, our paths crossed on the internet, another miracle story. That was Sept 2008 and we remarried in July of 08. Life has its' own set of issues but we are doing very well. None of this could have happened had she not divorced me. By divorcing me I followed my self-destructive course until I, at last, surrendered.
I can't say the same will happen with anyone else for we are a rare occurrence.
Regardless, do what ensures your freedom and ability to live a good life. He will have to follow his own course to whatever end. Should by some miracle he gets sober, life can only get better knowing another soul is free of that hell.
The alcoholic/addict affects all around him and they too are sick. So its' vitally important you find what works for you. Let go of him and focus on you.....
Life is worth living as whole person, not relying another to make you so. The next relationship you develop can be based on equality and not dependence.
Fare well in your journey....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 35
I am currently divorcing my AW. After a long period of drinking, denial, inpatient stays, my wife had a car accident with our 4 children in the car on a Satuday afternoon on her way to meet me at the circus. She had a BAC of .33, and I wasn't sure that she was drunk when I got to the accident (denial goes both ways). I was granted sole custody and my wife spent a year in treatment and a halfway house. In February 2009, she came home since I was convinced that she had been to "rock bottom", understood her disease and had developed the tools and network to fight for sobriety on a daily basis. Things were great until October, when she started drinking and driving again. This went on until December 15th when I moved forward with out divorce.
She has filed all sorts of motions in court - that I had forgiven her, that she has not drank since 2/2008, except for a three day period but it was not to excess (she's still on probation so she needs to be careful!!). Basically, she is going to rely on her word vs. mine. It really frustrated me that after everything that we've been through that this was her approach. But I should have expected it.
Then I remembered the Serenity Prayer - I cannot only work to change the things that I can. Your AH may go along peacefully, but you need to be prepared for the fight of your life. Ignore his lies, that's the only mechanism that he has, so he'll use it. Even with all the documentation, I still have this fear that my wife will get joint custody.
Take care of yourself - go to Alanon, focus on the 12 steps; they say going thru a divorce is like having a car crash every day. I think it's an accurate description.
Best wishes - it will get better.
She has filed all sorts of motions in court - that I had forgiven her, that she has not drank since 2/2008, except for a three day period but it was not to excess (she's still on probation so she needs to be careful!!). Basically, she is going to rely on her word vs. mine. It really frustrated me that after everything that we've been through that this was her approach. But I should have expected it.
Then I remembered the Serenity Prayer - I cannot only work to change the things that I can. Your AH may go along peacefully, but you need to be prepared for the fight of your life. Ignore his lies, that's the only mechanism that he has, so he'll use it. Even with all the documentation, I still have this fear that my wife will get joint custody.
Take care of yourself - go to Alanon, focus on the 12 steps; they say going thru a divorce is like having a car crash every day. I think it's an accurate description.
Best wishes - it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm remembering when I divorced the love of this lifetime. He wasn't an addict. Just a fraud. But I remember emotionally what helped me was first, clearing out all his crap. Then I moved the furniture around and painted some walls. That lasted for awhile, then I was ready to move and get new stuff. The new beginning was just what pushed me into fast forward. I also took advantage of my church and the divorce care group. It included a work book that touched on different aspects of divorce and most importantly the way our emotions are out of alignment when going through the process. It was an excellent hour once a week and I came out stronger and better for it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Write down all those swirling thoughts and questions you may still need clarity on so that the next time you meet with the attorney it’s clearer.
It was just too much information to take in all at once when I first met with my attorney and found myself asking everyone friend I had all the questions that only my attorney could answer.
A lot of money is involved with each hour you meet with or call and talk with the attorney so be prepared with your thoughts and questions, use your money wisely.
It was just too much information to take in all at once when I first met with my attorney and found myself asking everyone friend I had all the questions that only my attorney could answer.
A lot of money is involved with each hour you meet with or call and talk with the attorney so be prepared with your thoughts and questions, use your money wisely.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by ChildrenB4AW 
Ignore his lies, that's the only mechanism that he has, so he'll use it.
One thing I did was to open a credit card in my name only as soon as I could to begin establishing credit for myself. I also separated checking and shut down anyway for him to take a second mortgage without my signature.
Someone told me divorce is like having surgery with a chainsaw. I'm sorry to say that was my experience of it. But, it passed and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Oh, I forgot. My attorney was very expensive so I learned real quick to not use him as a therapist. I wrote everything down as succinctly as possible. He wasn't very interested in my "feelings". Just the facts mam.
And I used his paralegal through email, as much as possible because it was cheaper.
And I used his paralegal through email, as much as possible because it was cheaper.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 126
Thanks everyone!
My stbxah does not want to discuss anything. He might start talking about his plans when his mother arrives on Tues. Other than that, he won't discuss a thing.
He's leaving to go back to his home country soon, and says that he may come back, or he may not.
I might propose an agreement, not sure what to do here.
My stbxah does not want to discuss anything. He might start talking about his plans when his mother arrives on Tues. Other than that, he won't discuss a thing.
He's leaving to go back to his home country soon, and says that he may come back, or he may not.
I might propose an agreement, not sure what to do here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
We wrote our own seperation agreement which was fair and saved alot of lawyer money. My divorce only cost $400. It was surgery with a chainsaw but is ok now after 2 yrs. Like a carwreck everyday but I had to do it. His disease has progressed and he has lost everything. That beast addiction stole him from me and himself.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
mine won't discuss anything either. which is going to make it very expensive. But if lawyers are involved then at least I don't have to deal with his bullying whilst also trying to co-parent.
I'm really trying to embrace the transience of each moment to get through this, get a deep understanding of "this too shall pass", as it all shall. It comforts me to think I can choose to view this divorce as already over: in the future, I am already through it (as someone posted on another thread: I am already dead), and each moment (good/bad) is another I never get to (or have to) live again.
I haven't explained that well, but I knw what I mean LOL!
I'm really trying to embrace the transience of each moment to get through this, get a deep understanding of "this too shall pass", as it all shall. It comforts me to think I can choose to view this divorce as already over: in the future, I am already through it (as someone posted on another thread: I am already dead), and each moment (good/bad) is another I never get to (or have to) live again.
I haven't explained that well, but I knw what I mean LOL!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
