Does my husband have a problem?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Does my husband have a problem?
Hi I am new here. I am concerned about my husband and just can't find the information that I'm looking for. I really hope that some of you can help me.
I don't know if my husband has a problem or if I'm just being over sensitive.
My husband and I have always been social drinkers. That is even how we met three years ago. Over the past 3 years though, I have cut back dramatically. My husband hasn't. We are both fairly young, I'm in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's so I figured that maybe he just hasn't "grown out of it" yet.
Well, fast forward. I am now five months pregnant. Needless to say, I'm not drinking at all. This baby was planned and I have every intention of raising him in a normal home. My husband though just can't seem to stop drinking, even for the baby. He made a deal with me (which I hate) that he will drink Thursday-Sunday (4 days a week) and not drink Monday - Wednesday (3 days a week). It was really hard to get him to even agree with that. I found out that he has been sneaking beers on the drive home and drinking in the work truck, which is a great way to get fired. I'm sure he's still lying and sneaking them on the other days, but now it's already back to the point where he just buying them again right in front of me on Mondays. That's 5 days a week, and only what I know about. If he's not drinking he is now getting stoned. I only get maybe one night a week with him totally sober. (I think) It's not like he's getting wasted every night, but by Thursday he has already bought himself a 30 pack and some other big beers. He was just drinks and smokes himself to sleep. Most nights he just sits on the couch drinking until he falls asleep. He wants me near him, but I just leave the room because I can't stand it. He insists it not a problem, and that he does it to unwind and because he wants to. Not because he needs to. I feel like he can't stop though. I never wanted him to stop completely, I just wanted him to slow down and prepare for a family. At this moment I don't want him alone with our future child. I don't trust him. We don't have alot of money either and he keeps spending it on beer.
He doesn't seem like a alcoholic. He works everyday and gets things done. It just changes at night and on the weekend. And he's rarely falling down drunk.
Does anyone at all have advice? I feel like I should give him space but at the same time I feel like I am justified to be worried.
Thanks.
I don't know if my husband has a problem or if I'm just being over sensitive.
My husband and I have always been social drinkers. That is even how we met three years ago. Over the past 3 years though, I have cut back dramatically. My husband hasn't. We are both fairly young, I'm in my late 20's and he's in his early 30's so I figured that maybe he just hasn't "grown out of it" yet.
Well, fast forward. I am now five months pregnant. Needless to say, I'm not drinking at all. This baby was planned and I have every intention of raising him in a normal home. My husband though just can't seem to stop drinking, even for the baby. He made a deal with me (which I hate) that he will drink Thursday-Sunday (4 days a week) and not drink Monday - Wednesday (3 days a week). It was really hard to get him to even agree with that. I found out that he has been sneaking beers on the drive home and drinking in the work truck, which is a great way to get fired. I'm sure he's still lying and sneaking them on the other days, but now it's already back to the point where he just buying them again right in front of me on Mondays. That's 5 days a week, and only what I know about. If he's not drinking he is now getting stoned. I only get maybe one night a week with him totally sober. (I think) It's not like he's getting wasted every night, but by Thursday he has already bought himself a 30 pack and some other big beers. He was just drinks and smokes himself to sleep. Most nights he just sits on the couch drinking until he falls asleep. He wants me near him, but I just leave the room because I can't stand it. He insists it not a problem, and that he does it to unwind and because he wants to. Not because he needs to. I feel like he can't stop though. I never wanted him to stop completely, I just wanted him to slow down and prepare for a family. At this moment I don't want him alone with our future child. I don't trust him. We don't have alot of money either and he keeps spending it on beer.
He doesn't seem like a alcoholic. He works everyday and gets things done. It just changes at night and on the weekend. And he's rarely falling down drunk.
Does anyone at all have advice? I feel like I should give him space but at the same time I feel like I am justified to be worried.
Thanks.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
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That was me. I snuck around with my drinking cause, I didn't want to hear the x b!tching about my drinking. Every alcoholic wants to drink responsibly. However, we can't control it.
There is a cause for concern by his drinking in his work truck or any vehicle for that matter.
I have to ask you. Does he get falling down drunk? Normal drinkers don't do this. They have a few then stop.
There is a cause for concern by his drinking in his work truck or any vehicle for that matter.
Originally Posted by jennabe 
he's rarely falling down drunk
Thanks.
Thanks.
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Originally Posted by CAPTAINZING2000
I have to ask you. Does he get falling down drunk? Normal drinkers don't do this. They have a few then stop.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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He drinks and drinks until he passes out is the more accurate term.
Al-anon, al-anon, al-anon.
You will be tempted to make it seem better than it is because you have a BABY coming. An innocent baby who needs a mom and a dad and a family.
But you can't make him change. All you can do is take care of you and your precious little one.
It's a hard situation. I minimized a lot when I was having babies. Thinking that he would grow up; that he would see that we needed him to be a functioning member of the family; that we depended on his income...
Well, 15 year sand three babies later, we are divorcing. I am a single mom to 3 kids who don't deserve this kind of fractured life.
I recommend you take the signs you are seeing (including the lying and sneaking) very seriously.
Al-anon, al-anon, al-anon.
You will be tempted to make it seem better than it is because you have a BABY coming. An innocent baby who needs a mom and a dad and a family.
But you can't make him change. All you can do is take care of you and your precious little one.
It's a hard situation. I minimized a lot when I was having babies. Thinking that he would grow up; that he would see that we needed him to be a functioning member of the family; that we depended on his income...
Well, 15 year sand three babies later, we are divorcing. I am a single mom to 3 kids who don't deserve this kind of fractured life.
I recommend you take the signs you are seeing (including the lying and sneaking) very seriously.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by stella27
He drinks and drinks until he passes out is the more accurate term.
I recommend you take the signs you are seeing (including the lying and sneaking) very seriously.
I recommend you take the signs you are seeing (including the lying and sneaking) very seriously.
So true!!!
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by jennabe
He doesn't seem like a alcoholic. He works everyday and gets things done. It just changes at night and on the weekend. And he's rarely falling down drunk.
I didn't "seem like a alcoholic" either. I worked every day and got things done too.
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Thank you guys so so much for replying. I can't tell you how much it means to me to actually be able to talk to someone. (Can't talk to family or friends about it)
I did look up the Al-anon group. There is one about an hour from where I live. Hopefully I can go out there just to listen. I kinda t that point where I don't know what to think and am wondering if it's the beginning of a problem.
I'm afraid that I will be judged because my husband isn't drinking "enough" to talk to someone. I feel like I'm floating in middle ground.
I did look up the Al-anon group. There is one about an hour from where I live. Hopefully I can go out there just to listen. I kinda t that point where I don't know what to think and am wondering if it's the beginning of a problem.
I'm afraid that I will be judged because my husband isn't drinking "enough" to talk to someone. I feel like I'm floating in middle ground.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Hi Jennabe,
I'm glad you're here.
I'm also dealing with the realization that someone I care about is an alcoholic. I feel like I've been convincing myself that it's true a lot - I just don't want to believe it. I second guess it all the time.
I felt really scared to go to Alanon, but the first meeting made me feel a lot better. Do you already know about what the meetings are like? Maybe you know this - but you don't have so say a word. (And I didn't.) But it still helped me.
1234
I'm glad you're here.
I'm also dealing with the realization that someone I care about is an alcoholic. I feel like I've been convincing myself that it's true a lot - I just don't want to believe it. I second guess it all the time.
I felt really scared to go to Alanon, but the first meeting made me feel a lot better. Do you already know about what the meetings are like? Maybe you know this - but you don't have so say a word. (And I didn't.) But it still helped me.
1234
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by 1234
I felt really scared to go to Alanon, but the first meeting made me feel a lot better. Do you already know about what the meetings are like? Maybe you know this - but you don't have so say a word. (And I didn't.) But it still helped me.
1234
May I ask what it is like for you? Realizing that someone you know might have a problem I mean.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tx
Posts: 14
Hello. I have a similar problem, I posted for the first time yesterday, "Married to an Alcoholic". I feel for you. It can be a lonely feeling - in your own home - when your husband/wife is drunk. I started seeing a counselor, for myself, a few months ago. She has helped me deal with my feelings, etc... about my husband's drinking. If Al-Anon is too far away, maybe there is a counselor who may be closer??? I went to my first Al-Anon mtg. this week. It was helpful to hear other stories. Actually, this website has been helpful - after just one day!!
Hang in there. Keep posting.
Hang in there. Keep posting.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
jennabe,
I'm no doctor or expert but from what you describe, the person you are married to seems like an alcoholic to me.
Whether or not either of you wants to admit he "has a problem," he HAS A PROBLEM, which is, at least, his 5-month pregnant spouse needs him to get his act together and he isn't doing so, so she has to find emotional support and validation from strangers on the internet. THIS is a problem.
You are FULLY, 100% justified in your worry and concern. Please, if you are unable to attend 12-steps like al-anon because it is too far for you to drive, please get some social support that is at least one person who is physically accessible to you who you can TALK to in person, not just on the internet. SR is good but you are 5 months pregnant and everyone needs social support like family and friends. Whomever in your social circle you can trust, please confide in them or find a therapist or other support group.
Take care of yourself. We are here if you need us.
I'm no doctor or expert but from what you describe, the person you are married to seems like an alcoholic to me.
Whether or not either of you wants to admit he "has a problem," he HAS A PROBLEM, which is, at least, his 5-month pregnant spouse needs him to get his act together and he isn't doing so, so she has to find emotional support and validation from strangers on the internet. THIS is a problem.
You are FULLY, 100% justified in your worry and concern. Please, if you are unable to attend 12-steps like al-anon because it is too far for you to drive, please get some social support that is at least one person who is physically accessible to you who you can TALK to in person, not just on the internet. SR is good but you are 5 months pregnant and everyone needs social support like family and friends. Whomever in your social circle you can trust, please confide in them or find a therapist or other support group.
Take care of yourself. We are here if you need us.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I recommend you take the signs you are seeing (including the lying and sneaking) very seriously.
A 'normal' social drinker doesn't have to lie about it and/or sneak drinks. You said he doesn't seem like an alcoholic cause he works and does things. There are many 'functional' alcoholics out there. I was one. I did my drinking at home but despite thinking I was 'responsible' I DID do irresponsible things, like picking up my daughter from school when I'd been drinking. And since I had been drinking I thought I was "just fine to drive". I was deluded and my daughter told me she knew I was drunk cause of my speech and smell.
My daughters begged me to stop drinking but I was in big-time denial and didn't see the problem... maybe cause I WAS the problem. The biggest thing for you to remember is that number one; you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, and number two, that the decision of what to do about it is up to you. Do you want to be with someone who lies and sneaks drinks and drinks in his work truck (while at work and while driving!!)? Do you want this relationship to continue as it is now? Alcoholism doesn't get better on its own, it can only get worse.
You have a baby on the way. How do you want this baby to grow up? In a home full of deceit and unhealthy living? I hope you can get to AlAnon for support but if it's too far away, maybe seeing a counselor for your own peace of mind and to analyze your options at this point would be very good for you.
Be good to yourself and your baby! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Hi Jennabe,
Here's my story: I had suspected alcoholism in this person for a long time, but when it finally became "undeniable" 2 months ago, I absolutely panicked. I realized that denial was alive and well in my head, or I wouldn't have had such an extreme reaction. I felt a feeling like grief. Then panic and fear. Then anger. Then sympathy. Then anger again. Crazy, is what I felt. Still do, but it's better.
Right away I started to obsess about what's "best" to do. I wanted to take action and help as soon as possible. What information or argument could I provide that would get them into treatment? When? Who should be involved? I'm slowly realizing that my obsessive quest to provide the perfect support is actually kind of sick. A sick way of trying to control things and feeling overly responsible. (I'm working on that.) I'm certainly not saying people who love an alcoholic should do nothing. Just that people who know more than me say that trying to hurry a solution isn't the best. I keep hearing things like "take it easy". I'm trying, but my head's going a million miles an hour.
I know that going to Alanon and coming here to SR has affected how I view it. At first I was shocked and honestly kind of scared that I had managed to provide my alcoholic the benefit of the doubt for so long. The more I read here, the more I see I'm pretty typical. Makes me feel better.
How are you feeling, Jennabe? I'm sorry you have to deal with this while you're pregnant.
1234
Here's my story: I had suspected alcoholism in this person for a long time, but when it finally became "undeniable" 2 months ago, I absolutely panicked. I realized that denial was alive and well in my head, or I wouldn't have had such an extreme reaction. I felt a feeling like grief. Then panic and fear. Then anger. Then sympathy. Then anger again. Crazy, is what I felt. Still do, but it's better.
Right away I started to obsess about what's "best" to do. I wanted to take action and help as soon as possible. What information or argument could I provide that would get them into treatment? When? Who should be involved? I'm slowly realizing that my obsessive quest to provide the perfect support is actually kind of sick. A sick way of trying to control things and feeling overly responsible. (I'm working on that.) I'm certainly not saying people who love an alcoholic should do nothing. Just that people who know more than me say that trying to hurry a solution isn't the best. I keep hearing things like "take it easy". I'm trying, but my head's going a million miles an hour.
I know that going to Alanon and coming here to SR has affected how I view it. At first I was shocked and honestly kind of scared that I had managed to provide my alcoholic the benefit of the doubt for so long. The more I read here, the more I see I'm pretty typical. Makes me feel better.
How are you feeling, Jennabe? I'm sorry you have to deal with this while you're pregnant.
1234
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Thanks all of you. You guys are all 100% correct. I'm sure that there is nothing that I can say that you guys haven't heard. Unless those meetings are in the evening finding something closer would be better. It's just so hard to get away. I own a dog kennel and don't have any employee's so I'm always having to shut up shop for doctors appointments, I'm afraid to close any longer during the day.
Thanks "least" for your post and I noticed your things about dogs on the bottom. I liked that, I am the same way.
"1234" Thanks for your story. I'm actually feeling a tad overwhelmed. Part of me wished I wouldn't have posted b/c it puts things in prospective. I feel sad, confused, pissed off, and mostly helpless. I want to go home and dump out all his beer and weed. But I know that is not the right thing to do. We will just fight and he will go spend more money to go get more. I feel like I'm the bad person for ever even wanting to talk about.
I live in a small town and only actually have one friend. She is actually a recovering alcoholic. (4 years), but my gut tells me not to talk to her about it.
Thanks "least" for your post and I noticed your things about dogs on the bottom. I liked that, I am the same way.
"1234" Thanks for your story. I'm actually feeling a tad overwhelmed. Part of me wished I wouldn't have posted b/c it puts things in prospective. I feel sad, confused, pissed off, and mostly helpless. I want to go home and dump out all his beer and weed. But I know that is not the right thing to do. We will just fight and he will go spend more money to go get more. I feel like I'm the bad person for ever even wanting to talk about.
I live in a small town and only actually have one friend. She is actually a recovering alcoholic. (4 years), but my gut tells me not to talk to her about it.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by jennabe
I live in a small town and only actually have one friend. She is actually a recovering alcoholic. (4 years), but my gut tells me not to talk to her about it.
If, she's a friend, she might be an ally for you
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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I'm afraid that I will be judged because my husband isn't drinking "enough" to talk to someone.
He's drinking plenty and behaving just the way alcoholics behave and affecting you just the exact way alcoholics affect their families! Get help for yourself, AlAnon, counseling, whatever it takes to keep you out of denial and firmly in reality!
glad you're here--
peace,
b
He's drinking plenty and behaving just the way alcoholics behave and affecting you just the exact way alcoholics affect their families! Get help for yourself, AlAnon, counseling, whatever it takes to keep you out of denial and firmly in reality!
glad you're here--
peace,
b
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Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by jennabe
Thank you guys so so much for replying. I can't tell you how much it means to me to actually be able to talk to someone.
I'm afraid that I will be judged because my husband isn't drinking "enough" to talk to someone. I feel like I'm floating in middle ground.
I'm afraid that I will be judged because my husband isn't drinking "enough" to talk to someone. I feel like I'm floating in middle ground.
In my opinion, this is not the "start" of a problem. He's got it, plain and simple. Otherwise he would not care about it so darn much. And he wouldn't be lying or sneaking or whatever we call it.
There is a lot of shame around this disease - do you know why you don't think you wanna talk to your friend about this? I know, it seems like once you say it out loud, something changes. But it is what it is, no matter if you try and sweep it under the carpet or not. Your friend would likely be compassionate, supportive, and helpful. But you have us whether you go to her or not.
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