bubblylisa1979

Hello everyone,
After reading a few posts, I seem to have a similar story as others. I'm a wife of an active alcoholic. He started drinking immediately after the death of his mother five years ago and has gotten progressively worse the last two years. I had never been to a meeting of any sort and still have not been to one. I didn't know they existed for the family members. After reading all the advice given to others, I now realize the mistakes I made trying to "fix" him. I never could fix him and feel as if I may have ruined my marriage.
It's been 15 days since my husband walked out the door and hasn't came back. I told him that I couldn't handle the sneaking, lying, manipulating, stealing and depletion of our income anymore. He left Sunday morning right after an argument about walking to the liquor store at 9:00 am. The stores only sale alcohol after 9 on Sundays. He never came back, but managed to take our whole tax return and buy a ticket to Las Vegas.
I hadn't spoken to him until yesterday when he called me for money because he was starving and out of money. I'm a sucker-which I guess is apart of having a caretaker theme- I sent him 40 dollars. He called me non stop until the money was western union'd there and then nothing. He won't answer his cell phone or reply to a text. He called tonight crying and telling me he was lost. He also said that he was jumped and fought off the guys who tried to take his wallet. Then he just hung up. I've heard nothing since. I'm worried, but almost relieved that i'm not dealing with this here at home. He used to do this to me all the time. Take off, get drunk, and then call me to come get him.
I guess I feel guilty for not jumping on a greyhound bus from Missouri to Las Vegas to get him. I feel like I'm not doing my part as a wife. I've been through many different levels with him from enabling to tough love. I guess I have just given up and I'm ready to move on. I'm a 30 year old student with two teenagers and I just don't have enough energy anymore. I just don't want to see him die.
He left detox (72 hr) in December and didn't return to outpatient treatment the same week he left. He was hospitalized on Jan.1, 2010 when he was found in a ditch suffering from hypothermia in 15 degree weather highly intoxicated. I thought that was his wake up call, but it wasn't.
What should I do next??

Bernadette

I guess I feel guilty for not jumping on a greyhound bus from Missouri to Las Vegas to get him. I feel like I'm not doing my part as a wife.

Yikes!! Guilt seeks punishment - try to work on letting that go! He will only come face to face with the consequences of his alcoholism when everyone stops enabling and rescuing him. If you go get him you may actually be interfering with him seeking and finding real help.

Obviously you cannot help him get sober and recovered or it would have happened long ago right? Because none of us can help our A's get sober.
We didn't cause it,
we can't control it and
we can't cure it.
Unless we are recovered alcoholics ourselves - we just don't have the right tools to help an alcoholic get sober. They know where to go. First entry in any phone book.

That being said it is very hard and painful to know that he is out there and vulnerable and wacked out of his mind...

What should I do next??

Just my suggestions - in no particular order:
Something fun and nice for you and your kids?
Therapy?
Find some AlAnon meetings and give them a try?
Go to the library and check out Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More?
New haircut and color?

I say do whatever it takes to get the focus back on you bubblylisa....you are the only person you can rescue in this life, and the efforts you make towards that can bring you peace, joy, and serenity.

Not easy....but worth it.
Glad you're here! (((hugs)))
keep posting and stick around - you're not alone--
peace,
b

bubblylisa1979

Thanks Bernadette...
The kids and I are going to the movies this weekend;
I have a hair and nail appointment tomorrow (I haven't been in over a year);
I'm seeing a counselor at my school right now and I just looked up a noon meeting nearby; I will definitely go buy the book tomorrow.

Thanks for being a listening ear...I've been battling this situation so long alone, well the kids and I have...I didn't know what else to do. I will work on letting go of the guilt. I pray for him every morning when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. He has always blamed others for being an alcoholic. I have never heard him take responsibility for his part. He said that he didn't want me anymore and that he hates who he is: a husband and a father (he's a step-dad, no prior children). I'm not sure if it's the alcohol talking or if that is how he really feels. I am ready to walk away from the marriage. I still love him, but deserve better.

Spiritual Seeker

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Let it begin with you.
The longer you live with an alcoholic your behavior adapts and it then the whole family
works as a dysfunctional unit.

Take a time out and get yourself healthy and strong. Be there for the kids.

When you figure out how to act, be and live differently either your husband will
come along or not. Have the courage to change what you can.

stella27

Hi Lisa. I hope you understand that you are doing exactly the right thing (well, other than wiring him the $$). You didn't ruin your marriage - alcohol has ruined your marriage. As far as doing what a wife is supposed to do: I think that we are all committed to our marriage vows at the expense of our health and our children's health. I know that I stayed far too long in a situation because I don't believe in divorce. Whatever that means. I also don't believe in martyrdom and I was choosing that instead of freedom and peace for myself and my chidlren.

Turn off your phone, honey.
He is on his own, and he is not your problem.
But do move your money so that he can't get access to it.

least

You can still love him, just do it from a safe distance. And yes, you DO deserve better and so do your kids.