Not bonuses, but givens
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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Not bonuses, but givens
"Listen to the following conversation between two women. One woman is recovering from adult children issues and a marriage to an alcoholic. The other is of fairly normal descent.
"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not,"says a woman.
"What are his good points?" asks her friend.
"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. And he never hits me."
"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."
"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that.""
From Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie
"I can't decide whether to break up with my boyfriend or not,"says a woman.
"What are his good points?" asks her friend.
"Well, he works every day. He usually does what he says he's going to do. He's kind. And he never hits me."
"No," says her friend. "You don't understand. What are his good points? The things you listed are givens."
"Oh," says the woman. "I didn't know that.""
From Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie
I needed to be reminded of this today. Not in a romantic relationship context, but it works still the same.
I sometimes seem to elevate the givens to bonuses, even after all this time and thought that it might be useful to others too.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Exactly...
Don't know about others but, here I often see where someone's A does something, eg put out garbage, clean the car, wash some dishes or clothes, whatever.....and either the poster is so grateful or the A expects a great clap.
Sometimes I think we have been so "brainwashed" by the actions and behaviors we have endured from our A's, that anything good, no matter how small it may be, is to be celebrated with marching bands and a public holiday.
Is it because we may actually expect the nothing good/everything bad scenario?
I was that way, in fact I would have made that old misery
look like Pollyanna. I hated life and myself, and even woke up with the Big sigh, and thinking, "another day to get thru".
I still have to catch myself at times, before I make a song and dance over what is normal adult behavior from RABF, but I have come a long way from where I was.
I now think that NOT expecting certain actions, behaviors etc as givens, demeans both parties, and takes away so much from the A and their partner.
Anyone agree?
God bless
Don't know about others but, here I often see where someone's A does something, eg put out garbage, clean the car, wash some dishes or clothes, whatever.....and either the poster is so grateful or the A expects a great clap.
Sometimes I think we have been so "brainwashed" by the actions and behaviors we have endured from our A's, that anything good, no matter how small it may be, is to be celebrated with marching bands and a public holiday.
Is it because we may actually expect the nothing good/everything bad scenario?
I was that way, in fact I would have made that old misery
look like Pollyanna. I hated life and myself, and even woke up with the Big sigh, and thinking, "another day to get thru". I still have to catch myself at times, before I make a song and dance over what is normal adult behavior from RABF, but I have come a long way from where I was.
I now think that NOT expecting certain actions, behaviors etc as givens, demeans both parties, and takes away so much from the A and their partner.
Anyone agree?
God bless
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
I will never ever forget the embarrassment I felt the first time I read that paragraph, & it was years ago. I was reading through, thinking "well he sounds great" - & had to go back & re-read it to get my head around the concept "the things you listed are givens."
Wow.
Ouch.
Wow.
Ouch.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Exactly...
Don't know about others but, here I often see where someone's A does something, eg put out garbage, clean the car, wash some dishes or clothes, whatever.....and either the poster is so grateful or the A expects a great clap.
Don't know about others but, here I often see where someone's A does something, eg put out garbage, clean the car, wash some dishes or clothes, whatever.....and either the poster is so grateful or the A expects a great clap.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I admit, I didn't know that either.
I thought my ex was so great because: he cooked dinner; he wouldn't let me on the side of the road closest to cars; he offered me bites of his food; he asked how my day went; he went to family functions with me; he let me choose places to go.
I suppose.. those are givens? He devalued my opinions. He made me think the way he wanted me to think. He convinced me I was crazy. When it really comes down to it, he was a horrible, horrible boyfriend. Simply, because he couldn't communicate, and hear my side of things.
I gave him TREMENDOUS credit for those simple, little things...
I thought my ex was so great because: he cooked dinner; he wouldn't let me on the side of the road closest to cars; he offered me bites of his food; he asked how my day went; he went to family functions with me; he let me choose places to go.
I suppose.. those are givens? He devalued my opinions. He made me think the way he wanted me to think. He convinced me I was crazy. When it really comes down to it, he was a horrible, horrible boyfriend. Simply, because he couldn't communicate, and hear my side of things.
I gave him TREMENDOUS credit for those simple, little things...
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