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Married to an alcoholic. Advice??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tx
Posts: 14
Married to an alcoholic. Advice??
Hello. This is my first post. I'm married to an alcoholic, and I'm so frustrated and sad. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I have a counselor who is trying to help me deal with my husband, and I attended my first Al-Anon meeting this week. How and when should I try to talk to him about how his drinking is impacting our marriage, each other, and our children??? He is an "episodic" alcoholic. He drinks a little during the week - maybe 1-2 a night, but on the weekends he is totally intoxicated. He plays golf, so he starts drinking as early as 10:00 am. He drinks well into the night - passed midnight. Besides not being able to stand up or walk straight, he a makes a mess, acccidentally breaks or ruins things around the house, gets belligerant, passes out on the floor, plays music videos and his guitar (loudly) into the late hours of the night. He likes to cook on the weekend, but I'm starting to be afraid he may catch something on fire. If we go out to eat, after he has been drinking so much, he drops his food on himself, on the table, and can sometimes barely keep his head up or his eyes open. His drinking has interferred with family functions. Sometimes I don't want him to attend social gatherings, and sometimes we don't get invited to things because of his behavior when he drinks. I could go on and on.
Within 6 months time, he received two DWI's. He even got arrested in front of our house in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Luckily, my daughters just thought he was talking to the police about an accident in the neighborhood. Currently, he has his occupational license. Unfortunately, he has started drinking and driving again. He is on probation, but it hasn't really had much of a helpful impact. He also sees a psychiatrist for anxiety, but he hasn't told her anything about his drinking, DWI's. etc.... I've talked to his probation officer and his psychiatrist about his drinking. Nothing helpful has happened yet.
Of course he blames his drinking on stress. He has an executive position with a large, worldwide company. He has a lot of pressure and stress. Also, we married after I had a long, drawn out, ugly divorce. (We've only been married 1 1/2 yrs. We've known each other since we were kids, and were reaquainted at our 25th high school reunion.) He was 39 years old, and had never been married. I have two children from my previous marriage. So, of course, he blames all these stressors on his drinking.
I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him, but he instantly starts to "justify" his drinking. Then he deflects the topic, and he starts to point out my shortcomings - weight gain, a messy room, or our messy garage.
HELP!!!! Any advice???? My counselor keeps suggesting an intervention. I don't know how many more weekends of his drunkeness that I can take.
Within 6 months time, he received two DWI's. He even got arrested in front of our house in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Luckily, my daughters just thought he was talking to the police about an accident in the neighborhood. Currently, he has his occupational license. Unfortunately, he has started drinking and driving again. He is on probation, but it hasn't really had much of a helpful impact. He also sees a psychiatrist for anxiety, but he hasn't told her anything about his drinking, DWI's. etc.... I've talked to his probation officer and his psychiatrist about his drinking. Nothing helpful has happened yet.
Of course he blames his drinking on stress. He has an executive position with a large, worldwide company. He has a lot of pressure and stress. Also, we married after I had a long, drawn out, ugly divorce. (We've only been married 1 1/2 yrs. We've known each other since we were kids, and were reaquainted at our 25th high school reunion.) He was 39 years old, and had never been married. I have two children from my previous marriage. So, of course, he blames all these stressors on his drinking.
I don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him, but he instantly starts to "justify" his drinking. Then he deflects the topic, and he starts to point out my shortcomings - weight gain, a messy room, or our messy garage.
HELP!!!! Any advice???? My counselor keeps suggesting an intervention. I don't know how many more weekends of his drunkeness that I can take.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hi jcr68 and 
to SR! This is an awesome and supportive place. I'm glad you found us.
Regarding your husband's alcoholism, please remember the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
the last two are particularly relevant to your situation, because your post seems to ask what you can do to make your husband SEE that his drinking is a problem. Sadly, there is nothing you can do, say, think or feel that will make him change. You don't have that power. Only he does.
I'm very glad you've found al Al-Anon meeting in your area. Keep going. Perhaps if your kids are old enough, you might think of taking them to an Al-Ateen meeting. They need support too!
Right now, it seems like the best thing to do is to detach and focus on yourself, as well as your kids. What are you willing to tolerate? What aren't you willing to tolerate?
Keep posting!
to SR! This is an awesome and supportive place. I'm glad you found us.Regarding your husband's alcoholism, please remember the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
the last two are particularly relevant to your situation, because your post seems to ask what you can do to make your husband SEE that his drinking is a problem. Sadly, there is nothing you can do, say, think or feel that will make him change. You don't have that power. Only he does.
I'm very glad you've found al Al-Anon meeting in your area. Keep going. Perhaps if your kids are old enough, you might think of taking them to an Al-Ateen meeting. They need support too!
Right now, it seems like the best thing to do is to detach and focus on yourself, as well as your kids. What are you willing to tolerate? What aren't you willing to tolerate?
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
jcr, how old are your children? Depending on their age, it might be useful if you stopped covering up for his drinking and the disaster that it is causing.
And the "weight gain, messy room, messy garage" must be something they hand out in alcoholic school, because my stbxAH used to say the same, exact thing!
Al-anon, detachment, can't cure it, can't control it...
He is rapidly crumbling, and I hope that you will consider what you will need to stand on your own should he lose his job. And whatever it's going to take in terms of money or accommodations, start working on it.
(((hugs)))
And the "weight gain, messy room, messy garage" must be something they hand out in alcoholic school, because my stbxAH used to say the same, exact thing!
Al-anon, detachment, can't cure it, can't control it...
He is rapidly crumbling, and I hope that you will consider what you will need to stand on your own should he lose his job. And whatever it's going to take in terms of money or accommodations, start working on it.
(((hugs)))
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hi JC,
I did an intervention of sorts with my own husband. This was two years ago. To be honest, it now appears that he's relapsed. We are separated for a time.
With THAT said,
The intervention was a blessing two-fold. It placed him in rehab where they quite effectively drained all the denial and finger pointing out of his head. He was duly focused on himself. This is a precious gift he was given. What he decided to do with it. Was up to him. The point is, HE had it. There is now a tiny part of him WELL aware of what the reality of his behavior is.
Many people get it once forced to. Many don't have it stick. I've heard from countless individuals sharing their story in AA who, at first, were forced into it by either family or a judge. So, it can and does work.
My husband did meetings for 8 months and regressed.
This time around, because I did TRY with all my being the intervention - rehab way. I'm confident that I'm done in that arena. It's not my job. I did my best. I'm washing my hands of it pretty guilt free at this point.
So, I checked YES.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth.
I did an intervention of sorts with my own husband. This was two years ago. To be honest, it now appears that he's relapsed. We are separated for a time.
With THAT said,
The intervention was a blessing two-fold. It placed him in rehab where they quite effectively drained all the denial and finger pointing out of his head. He was duly focused on himself. This is a precious gift he was given. What he decided to do with it. Was up to him. The point is, HE had it. There is now a tiny part of him WELL aware of what the reality of his behavior is.
Many people get it once forced to. Many don't have it stick. I've heard from countless individuals sharing their story in AA who, at first, were forced into it by either family or a judge. So, it can and does work.
My husband did meetings for 8 months and regressed.
This time around, because I did TRY with all my being the intervention - rehab way. I'm confident that I'm done in that arena. It's not my job. I did my best. I'm washing my hands of it pretty guilt free at this point.
So, I checked YES.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tx
Posts: 14
My twins daughters are nine. I guess I've convinced myself that they don't "see it". I DO try to make excuses cover for him. My girls visit their dad about three weekends a month, so they miss most of his antics. I'm trying to keep their world as "normal" as possible b/c of the divorce, moving, etc.... They mean more to me than anything in the world. I really appreciate the words of advice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 118
I suggest you get help for yourself first. Possibly a place called Alanon. There you will have the ability to speak with those who are in your position. Those who have a greater amount of experience and have been away from it for a while.
Distance gives perspective. If you are in danger call the authorities. Sometimes when a uniformed police officer shows up that is the beginning of the intervention.
Distance gives perspective. If you are in danger call the authorities. Sometimes when a uniformed police officer shows up that is the beginning of the intervention.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
"Hand out in alcoholic school."......love it.......they say that stuff to take the heat off what they are doing......Don't prevent the bad stuff from happening, go to alanon alot, set boundaries, don't take his criticisms, don't engage with him while he is actively using, don't react. The disease is progressive. Could you and your girls go somewhere else for awhile? Interventions can work with a professional.....if the alcoholic is ready. Is he facing jailtime for the DUI's? That may help wake him up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I'm so frustrated and sad.
his drinking is impacting our marriage, each other, and our children
on the weekends he is totally intoxicated.
he starts drinking as early as 10:00 am.
He drinks well into the night - passed midnight.
Besides not being able to stand up or walk straight,
he a makes a mess,
acccidentally breaks or ruins things around the house,
gets belligerant,
passes out on the floor,
plays music videos and his guitar (loudly) into the late hours of the night.
I'm starting to be afraid he may catch something on fire.
If we go out to eat, after he has been drinking so much, he drops his food on himself, on the table, and can sometimes barely keep his head up or his eyes open.
His drinking has interferred with family functions.
Sometimes I don't want him to attend social gatherings,
and sometimes we don't get invited to things because of his behavior when he drinks.
I could go on and on.
Within 6 months time, he received two DWI's.
He even got arrested in front of our house in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
Unfortunately, he has started drinking and driving again.
He is on probation, but it hasn't really had much of a helpful impact.
He also sees a psychiatrist for anxiety, but he hasn't told her anything about his drinking, DWI's. etc....
he blames his drinking on stress.
I've tried to talk to him, but he instantly starts to "justify" his drinking. Then he deflects the topic,
and he starts to point out my shortcomings - weight gain, a messy room, or our messy garage.
I don't know how many more weekends of his drunkeness that I can take.
First off, welcome to the SR family.
We understand where you are coming from.
Look at your list.
Wow.
Yuck.
Recently, I found this list you might like:
Your Assertive Rights
1. You have the right to express your thoughts, opinions, feelings, beliefs and preferences in direct, honest ways that promote dignity and self respect while respecting the rights of others.
2. You have the right to be treated with respect by self and others.
3. You have the right to ask for what you want.
4. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
5. You have the right to experience your feelings.
6. You have the right to decide what you want to do with your time, your body and your property.
7. You have the right to change your mind.
8. You have the right to do less than you are humanely capable of doing.
9. You have the right to say NO and not feel guilty.
10. You have the right to take time to slow down and think.
11. You have the right to say, "I don't understand."
12. You have the right to ask for information.
13. You have the right to say, "I don't know."
14. You have the right to say, "I don't care."
15. You have the right to feel good about yourself.
How many of these are happening? How many does HE permit? How many do YOU permit?
If you have these rights, to have a happy life not full of grief and misery, who is going to make that happen?
You and your children are waiting for you to take care of yourself - to protect yourself and your kids.
You have every right to think that list up there is CRAZY MAKING and awful. What can you do to protect yourself from all that yuck and drama?
Hooray for therapy and alanon! Keep at it. You don't need to make any decisions today. Just keep plugging along. Get your savings account built up (just in case) and take care 'yoself!
wife
his drinking is impacting our marriage, each other, and our children
on the weekends he is totally intoxicated.
he starts drinking as early as 10:00 am.
He drinks well into the night - passed midnight.
Besides not being able to stand up or walk straight,
he a makes a mess,
acccidentally breaks or ruins things around the house,
gets belligerant,
passes out on the floor,
plays music videos and his guitar (loudly) into the late hours of the night.
I'm starting to be afraid he may catch something on fire.
If we go out to eat, after he has been drinking so much, he drops his food on himself, on the table, and can sometimes barely keep his head up or his eyes open.
His drinking has interferred with family functions.
Sometimes I don't want him to attend social gatherings,
and sometimes we don't get invited to things because of his behavior when he drinks.
I could go on and on.
Within 6 months time, he received two DWI's.
He even got arrested in front of our house in the middle of a Sunday afternoon.
Unfortunately, he has started drinking and driving again.
He is on probation, but it hasn't really had much of a helpful impact.
He also sees a psychiatrist for anxiety, but he hasn't told her anything about his drinking, DWI's. etc....
he blames his drinking on stress.
I've tried to talk to him, but he instantly starts to "justify" his drinking. Then he deflects the topic,
and he starts to point out my shortcomings - weight gain, a messy room, or our messy garage.
I don't know how many more weekends of his drunkeness that I can take.
First off, welcome to the SR family.
We understand where you are coming from.
Look at your list.
Wow.
Yuck.
Recently, I found this list you might like:
Your Assertive Rights
1. You have the right to express your thoughts, opinions, feelings, beliefs and preferences in direct, honest ways that promote dignity and self respect while respecting the rights of others.
2. You have the right to be treated with respect by self and others.
3. You have the right to ask for what you want.
4. You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them.
5. You have the right to experience your feelings.
6. You have the right to decide what you want to do with your time, your body and your property.
7. You have the right to change your mind.
8. You have the right to do less than you are humanely capable of doing.
9. You have the right to say NO and not feel guilty.
10. You have the right to take time to slow down and think.
11. You have the right to say, "I don't understand."
12. You have the right to ask for information.
13. You have the right to say, "I don't know."
14. You have the right to say, "I don't care."
15. You have the right to feel good about yourself.
How many of these are happening? How many does HE permit? How many do YOU permit?
If you have these rights, to have a happy life not full of grief and misery, who is going to make that happen?
You and your children are waiting for you to take care of yourself - to protect yourself and your kids.
You have every right to think that list up there is CRAZY MAKING and awful. What can you do to protect yourself from all that yuck and drama?
Hooray for therapy and alanon! Keep at it. You don't need to make any decisions today. Just keep plugging along. Get your savings account built up (just in case) and take care 'yoself!
wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tx
Posts: 14
How do I deal with him in the "drunken moment'? I just try to keep to myself, but it's like being a prisoner in your own home. The next day we both just seem to act like nothing ever happened. Then there is the issue of intimacy. Are you kidding me???? When he is sober, which is rare, he doesn't understand why I don't show more affection towards him. I've tried to explain, but to no avail.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html
Here's another stickie that might be helpful.
For some people, going to a different room is do-able. For others, its not.
You get to decide for you what you will and will not tolerate.
We tend to accept more and more and more till we are miserable and feel pushed around and out of control.
When we realize that, we can step back and start to ask, "What is unacceptable to me?"
If having him around and trying to avoid him makes you feel like a prisoner in your own home, then it sounds like you need to get you and your kids away when he does that or get him out when he does that.
It's a two part dance.
1. What do I want and not want?
2. What am I going to do to get what I want in my life and what I don't want out?
Here's another stickie that might be helpful.
For some people, going to a different room is do-able. For others, its not.
You get to decide for you what you will and will not tolerate.
We tend to accept more and more and more till we are miserable and feel pushed around and out of control.
When we realize that, we can step back and start to ask, "What is unacceptable to me?"
If having him around and trying to avoid him makes you feel like a prisoner in your own home, then it sounds like you need to get you and your kids away when he does that or get him out when he does that.
It's a two part dance.
1. What do I want and not want?
2. What am I going to do to get what I want in my life and what I don't want out?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Unfortunately you can not reason with an active alcoholic. In Alanon we learn not to engage with an alcoholic when they are drinking. It is pointless.
We have an expression about trying to reason with an alcoholic:
"It's like going to the hardware store for fresh bread." You come away empty handed.
Even when they are sober they twist, blame-shift, manipulate and lie about everything you try to discuss. I felt crazier for trying! There is a communication problem between alcoholics and their normal relatives. The alcoholic only hears "Whine, whine, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah"
All the normies hear is "quack, quack, quack, quack" from the alcoholic. It helps to picture the big white Aflac duck when he starts blaming you and your children for HIS stress!
Keep posting and reading. We're glad you found us!
Unfortunately you can not reason with an active alcoholic. In Alanon we learn not to engage with an alcoholic when they are drinking. It is pointless.
We have an expression about trying to reason with an alcoholic:
"It's like going to the hardware store for fresh bread." You come away empty handed.
Even when they are sober they twist, blame-shift, manipulate and lie about everything you try to discuss. I felt crazier for trying! There is a communication problem between alcoholics and their normal relatives. The alcoholic only hears "Whine, whine, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah"
All the normies hear is "quack, quack, quack, quack" from the alcoholic. It helps to picture the big white Aflac duck when he starts blaming you and your children for HIS stress!
Keep posting and reading. We're glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
jcr, I want to reiterate what pelican just said: we are glad you found us. Your story is all of our story. Alcoholics are eerily similar - so much for being your own man (or woman!) and the more stories I read on here, the more I know it's true.
The advice you have read is solid and it is based on our collective readings, histories and experiences of what has and has not worked. You will be helped just by coming here and reading and asking your questions. It's an amazing place.
You are asking all the right questions and if you listen to yourself and your girls, you are going to find answers and the strength to make whatever decisions are best for the three of you.
The advice you have read is solid and it is based on our collective readings, histories and experiences of what has and has not worked. You will be helped just by coming here and reading and asking your questions. It's an amazing place.
You are asking all the right questions and if you listen to yourself and your girls, you are going to find answers and the strength to make whatever decisions are best for the three of you.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Have you got a friend you can go spend the night with when, the girls are at their dad's place ?
I didn't read anything from your post mentioning your husband getting physically violent with you.
You mentioned intervention. have you talked to his family about his drinking??
I didn't read anything from your post mentioning your husband getting physically violent with you.
You mentioned intervention. have you talked to his family about his drinking??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tx
Posts: 14
Fortunately, my parents and the majority of my family live close by. I've left - just for one night - once. His parents live at least 8 hours away, but they know about his troubles. I know he's selective about what he tells them, and he says he's doing fine with his drinking. Luckily, he has never been physically abusive.
All of your thoughts and advice are well taken. Thank you.
All of your thoughts and advice are well taken. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker 
I worry about your kids spending weekends with him, if that's when he drinks. Do you know that they are safe? Do you know he doesn't drive drunk?
Hugs,
w
Hugs,
w
(I think!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tx
Posts: 14
That's correct - my husband is their stepfather. So, they are away two-three weekends of the month with their bio-dad. I miss them, but at least they miss some of their stepfather's drunk antics.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
It all sound so very familiar - because it is! I've read "that book", could have written it.
I can tell you that nothing you can do will change him. Absolutely nothing. Not even an intervention. To do it effectively, you'd have to involve all the people in his life, including those from his work... and then when he loses his status in the career field, he can blame YOU for that too! Been there, done that... it backfired on me.
Now, what you should be doing is asking yourself "is this what I want for my life?" With that answer, you'll be able to move forward.
You didn't cause this, and can't be blamed for any of his choices. They all try to cast the blame on to others, especially those closest to them. Don't fall for it, as it will wittle away your self-esteem.
Good luck.
I can tell you that nothing you can do will change him. Absolutely nothing. Not even an intervention. To do it effectively, you'd have to involve all the people in his life, including those from his work... and then when he loses his status in the career field, he can blame YOU for that too! Been there, done that... it backfired on me.
Now, what you should be doing is asking yourself "is this what I want for my life?" With that answer, you'll be able to move forward.
You didn't cause this, and can't be blamed for any of his choices. They all try to cast the blame on to others, especially those closest to them. Don't fall for it, as it will wittle away your self-esteem.
Good luck.
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