miserable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: julian ,pa
Posts: 7
miserable
Hi, my name is janice i,m 37 have 2 teenage boys one is 19 the other is 18 i have a 46 yr old husband who is an alcoholic.we have been married a year and a half.we split about 2 weeks ago he has been in so many rehabs as well as jail.in nov. Of 09 he pulled a 30 ot 6 to my head and locked the chamber and pulled the trigger.my 19 yr.old son picked up a wooden baseball bat and cracked him in the shoulder and other places.he keeps telling us that hes sorry and hes going to aa meetings 4 times a week plus to a counselor.he has told me numerous times that i,m the reason he drinks.he stated today that he wants to save our marriage he only lives about 75 yards away from our home.i feel pissed hurt and scared all the time .i recently was put on meds for deprssion he thought that i was the problem .my feelings for him are constantly running back and forth i really don,t know how to handle this situation with him ,he seems to act like he doesn,t even care.::
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome to the family. We really get into some awful situations when we love an abuser and can't let go.
It appears you have two things to prioritize: your safety from someone very dangerous and your attachment to him, despite his violence and abuse.
Did you press charges for his trying to murder you?
Did you get a restraining order?
What did the women's shelter have to say?
Did you see these links?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Please take care of yourself and legally protect yourself from him.
wife
It appears you have two things to prioritize: your safety from someone very dangerous and your attachment to him, despite his violence and abuse.
Did you press charges for his trying to murder you?
Did you get a restraining order?
What did the women's shelter have to say?
Did you see these links?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Please take care of yourself and legally protect yourself from him.
wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: julian ,pa
Posts: 7
Yes i pressed charges against him i didnt get a restraining order the da has contacted his lawyer to move out of his sisters house that is only 75 yards away from mine the womens shelter is going to go to court with me i,m also seeing a counselor to help get through this crap i just dont know if i,m strong enough i,ve been reading everyones post and they really hit home.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's just nonsense. Have you been successful at adhering to no contact? On your terms. Once the air clears a bit, you may see things from an entirely different angle. Your kids seem grown, are you in a position to move and go off the radar for a span of time? Your kids may loose their minds one day for the injustice to their mother and do something stupid, they could wind up in jail too...they're adults. Do you have a get away plan in case you need to ride out of town and get to safety.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
" i just dont know if i,m strong enough "
You must be strong enough - for yourself and your sons.
It is time to take care of business. Get yourselves free and safe.
Fall apart later. If he won't move maybe you should temporarily.
You must be strong enough - for yourself and your sons.
It is time to take care of business. Get yourselves free and safe.
Fall apart later. If he won't move maybe you should temporarily.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Removing him from 75 yards away, may or may not do the trick. Is that your only option of resolve. Do you have a plan "b"? I'm only saying this because I've been stalked. Even out of state some 1200 miles away. Could happen. Once he gets it through HIS head that you are NOT reinventing the wheel for his addiction afflication, it might sink in. But in the meantime, be cautious, careful, and suspicious. You are in my prayers tonight for a speedy solution to this chaos and for you to have peace and peace of mind.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR Junerbug! I'm so sorry and scared for you. It sounds as if you have already reached out to the authorities, to domestic violence assistance, and to counseling. This is good news.
Please know that you aren't the cause of his alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. This is the truth from many wise people who have come before me who have lived with an alcoholic and believed the blame and accusations for years as did I.
Only the alcoholic makes the choice to drink and makes the choice to continue drinking. Only the alcoholic can pursue recovery and stop drinking. You are just the excuse he is using to hang on to his addiction.
Please keep posting, keep reading, and focus on what will take of you and your children best.
Glad you are here to share with us!
Alice
Please know that you aren't the cause of his alcoholism, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. This is the truth from many wise people who have come before me who have lived with an alcoholic and believed the blame and accusations for years as did I.
Only the alcoholic makes the choice to drink and makes the choice to continue drinking. Only the alcoholic can pursue recovery and stop drinking. You are just the excuse he is using to hang on to his addiction.
Please keep posting, keep reading, and focus on what will take of you and your children best.
Glad you are here to share with us!
Alice
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Janice,
You posted this on another thread:
We have a court date for march now hes trying to kiss butt as my friends tell me . My question is how could i still have feelings of love for him whats wrong with me
You may have become obsessed with controlling his behavior. I did that with my alcoholic. I became his rescuer, fixer, babysitter/mother. I was no longer a life partner but a caregiver to another adult.
One of the terms for this type of behavior is Codependency. The addict becomes addicted to a substance and their partner becomes addicted to their drama and trying to save them from themselves. Melody Beattie wrote a book called "CoDependent No More" that helped me. You can find it a library or used book stores. This is the authors definition of codependency:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behvior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."
Janice, if he is trying to 'kiss butt' please get your butt out of his way!
When active addicts realize they are loosing their caregiver, they become desperate to keep everything the same as it always was. They need the same old, same old. When we choose to start taking care of ourselves, they are capable of anything!
You posted this on another thread:
We have a court date for march now hes trying to kiss butt as my friends tell me . My question is how could i still have feelings of love for him whats wrong with me
You may have become obsessed with controlling his behavior. I did that with my alcoholic. I became his rescuer, fixer, babysitter/mother. I was no longer a life partner but a caregiver to another adult.
One of the terms for this type of behavior is Codependency. The addict becomes addicted to a substance and their partner becomes addicted to their drama and trying to save them from themselves. Melody Beattie wrote a book called "CoDependent No More" that helped me. You can find it a library or used book stores. This is the authors definition of codependency:
"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behvior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."
Janice, if he is trying to 'kiss butt' please get your butt out of his way!
When active addicts realize they are loosing their caregiver, they become desperate to keep everything the same as it always was. They need the same old, same old. When we choose to start taking care of ourselves, they are capable of anything!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Can you all go stay at the shelter until he is locked up?
You know he is going to get his head all bent out of shape and blame you for this, maybe get drunk and decide to have a go at you, specially since you aren't butt kissing.
You don't want your kids to be going to your funeral or for one or both of them to get hurt!
let's talk about abuse first because you and yours lives are at stake in an immediate danger..
once that is taken care of we can chat about how alcoholism effects you and the rest of your family.
It isn't the alcohol that makes him abusive, but it does lower his inhibitions and make it more dangerous.
You know he is going to get his head all bent out of shape and blame you for this, maybe get drunk and decide to have a go at you, specially since you aren't butt kissing.
You don't want your kids to be going to your funeral or for one or both of them to get hurt!
let's talk about abuse first because you and yours lives are at stake in an immediate danger..
once that is taken care of we can chat about how alcoholism effects you and the rest of your family.
It isn't the alcohol that makes him abusive, but it does lower his inhibitions and make it more dangerous.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Among the highest on the list of the things that would be a deal breaker for me in any relationship and motivate a quick break of all contact: someone who holds a gun to my head whether he pulls the trigger or not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! And let the police handle the consequences of his actions when I report it.
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