peaceteach

My daughter, in college and working very hard her senior year, is once again suffering trauma due to her alcoholic father's relapsing. I divorced her dad while she was in high school, and she has worked very hard to maintain a loving relationship with her dad. In his sober times, they have spent a lot of time talking, together, dinners and movies, and even a vacation here and there. But when he relapses, which he seems to do like clockwork every 2 months or so, she is devastated all over again. Because of frank talks they have had, she is well aware that each time he drinks it gets worse, and that sadly, he may well die from this disease. His brother died alone this past year of alcoholism, and this is such a big fear of my daughter's.

My son has chosen to detach and move away from so much close contact with his dad, but my daughter tries so hard to be there for him, feeling that she is all he has left in the world. This really breaks my heart. First, I had to let go of this man, in order to save my own sanity and to keep peace and serenity in my house -- for my kids and myself. Now, it feels like she has taken over my role, as chief worrier and codependent, even though we've had many talks about codependency and all. She knows she didn't cause it, can't cure it, etc., and she really isn't even angry any more with him. She's just sad, broken-hearted, because she knows her father may well die, and he's just 52 years old.

She calls me when she is this upset, and I am there for her of course, as her mother, but it is so hard. I feel like I somehow abandoned her to this life with an alcoholic father, that if I had stayed married to him I would be the one fielding all this pain for her. I never wanted her to have to go through this, and now it's out of my hands. I know, I need to give both of them up to their HP's, and this is how I counsel her when she calls. We all know everything we are supposed to do, but it still is so painful and difficult to accept.

I too am through being angry at this man. I just feel sadness for him, and I am also so afraid he will one night just drink himself to death. His father died this way, his older brother, and now it appears he is choosing the same existence.

I know there is nothing I can do, having tried it for so long married to this man and for several years after our divorce. I just wanted to speak it to someone, I guess. I tried so hard to protect my children from their alcoholic parent, to prevent damage as much as possible, but what can I do now when they grow up and still suffer from this sad, sad disease? Please, HP, help me help her. Please, HP, help him find his sobriety and to live. These will be my prayers tonight. I hate that I am letting this get to me and pull me back into its grip. But how can I not, with my daughter's cries for help for her momma to listen to her? Tonight, it's just almost unbearable.

Impurrfect

(((Peaceteach))) - I don't have any answers. We often seem to know WHAT to do, but it is very heartbreaking to do so. Sending you many, many hugs and prayers.

Amy

LaTeeDa

Hard stuff, very hard. My children are 13 and 17, and so far, their father has remained sober, but I almost feel like you are showing me my future. Ouch.

It sounds like you have given her the gift of awareness, and showed her how to use the tools of recovery. From there, it's hers to manage. As painful as I know it must be to see her suffer, can you recall how your suffering taught you and made you stronger? Maybe you can accept that she is learning some very painful yet powerful lessons right now. And that she will come out the other side stronger and more self-aware.

Sorry, that's all I have. My heart goes out to you.

L

Pelican

Prayers for peace for you and your daughter.

I wish you were closer to feel this hug ((((peaceteach))))

GiveLove

Peace, you are giving your daughter the greatest gift you can give. Keeping open communication with her about codependency and alcoholism, letting her make her own decisions about her father, and always always always being there for her to cry.......these are great gifts indeed. You can be honest, be wise, be supportive....but this emotional journey is hers to take, I'm afraid.

I'm so sorry it hurts so much. There are no easy answers here, but I wish there were.