Is he an alcoholic or soon to become one?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 46
Is he an alcoholic or soon to become one?
Hi, this is my first post here. An acquaintance told me this would be a good site for me to come to.
I will try to make this short. I am worried about my husband. He used to drink a beer or two on a Friday or Saturday night. Last year, I caught him "sneaking" one. He took it out of the fridge and put it in the pocket of his sweatshirt and when I asked what he was doing he said he was taking it outside where it would get colder! WHAT?! It was in the fridge. Yes, it was winter out, but come on. And why put it in your pocket, why not just carry it out. Earlier this year I went to the store on a Friday night. I didn't even think about beer. I came home without beer. He asked me if I had bought any, I said no, I didn't even think about it. He got a bit ticked off. Said it was his Friday night ritual. Sometime last year, I found some bottles in the workbench in the garage. (It used to be he would put them on a shelf we have by the door that comes into the house in plain sight.) So again I felt he was sneaking them. Then lately I have found a number of empty bottles/cans on the workbench but behind other things. These are all empty. I have been noticing there will be some there at night and then the next morning some more (empty). Not everyday, but enough to start wondering. I "think" but am not sure he may be drinking in the morning.
A number of years ago he stopped taking frequent showers. Prior to stopping the showers, he used to take them every single day right after work. Then he began taking them only once a week at most. He still showers very infrequently. His last shower was just over a week ago. Up until last week he wore this awful pair of sweatpants around the house all day every day. If he went out, he would change into jeans (unless he didn't have to leave the vehicle, then he would leave the sweatpants on). They had huge holes in the seams in the sides. You could see his skin and underwear. Not what the world or even I actually want to see. Last week those sweatpants mysteriosly disappeared into the garbage, little does he know. But he found another pair in his drawer--these are at least clean and non-holey. Summertime is another story. He wears an awful pair of baggy yellow elastic waist shorts with no underwear. Eeewwww. So you can see hygiene is an issue. I am not saying he has to be dressed up all the time, but I would like to know he cares about he looks.
The list goes on. He has no interests at all. He is so irritable, crabby. Doesn't remember things. Trying to explain something to him is very frustrating. He has no energy (he says because it is winter, but he is like this in the summer too). He never spends time with friends, he only has 2 now, one drinks way too much, to the point of being drunk, so that is not a good influence, etc. etc.
I asked him last week if he thought he was drinking too much. He said no. He said it makes him feel good. I asked if he was depressed. He said yeah, but because it is winter (again with winter). I said you probably shouldn't drink beer if you are depressed, it will make you more depressed. He said, no, it makes me feel better. He also said, it works in the opposite way for him (making him happy not bringing him down).
I don't want him to have a problem (or rather us to have a problem) but what do you guys think?
Thanks for listening! I appreciate it.
This is getting way too long.
I will try to make this short. I am worried about my husband. He used to drink a beer or two on a Friday or Saturday night. Last year, I caught him "sneaking" one. He took it out of the fridge and put it in the pocket of his sweatshirt and when I asked what he was doing he said he was taking it outside where it would get colder! WHAT?! It was in the fridge. Yes, it was winter out, but come on. And why put it in your pocket, why not just carry it out. Earlier this year I went to the store on a Friday night. I didn't even think about beer. I came home without beer. He asked me if I had bought any, I said no, I didn't even think about it. He got a bit ticked off. Said it was his Friday night ritual. Sometime last year, I found some bottles in the workbench in the garage. (It used to be he would put them on a shelf we have by the door that comes into the house in plain sight.) So again I felt he was sneaking them. Then lately I have found a number of empty bottles/cans on the workbench but behind other things. These are all empty. I have been noticing there will be some there at night and then the next morning some more (empty). Not everyday, but enough to start wondering. I "think" but am not sure he may be drinking in the morning.
A number of years ago he stopped taking frequent showers. Prior to stopping the showers, he used to take them every single day right after work. Then he began taking them only once a week at most. He still showers very infrequently. His last shower was just over a week ago. Up until last week he wore this awful pair of sweatpants around the house all day every day. If he went out, he would change into jeans (unless he didn't have to leave the vehicle, then he would leave the sweatpants on). They had huge holes in the seams in the sides. You could see his skin and underwear. Not what the world or even I actually want to see. Last week those sweatpants mysteriosly disappeared into the garbage, little does he know. But he found another pair in his drawer--these are at least clean and non-holey. Summertime is another story. He wears an awful pair of baggy yellow elastic waist shorts with no underwear. Eeewwww. So you can see hygiene is an issue. I am not saying he has to be dressed up all the time, but I would like to know he cares about he looks.
The list goes on. He has no interests at all. He is so irritable, crabby. Doesn't remember things. Trying to explain something to him is very frustrating. He has no energy (he says because it is winter, but he is like this in the summer too). He never spends time with friends, he only has 2 now, one drinks way too much, to the point of being drunk, so that is not a good influence, etc. etc.
I asked him last week if he thought he was drinking too much. He said no. He said it makes him feel good. I asked if he was depressed. He said yeah, but because it is winter (again with winter). I said you probably shouldn't drink beer if you are depressed, it will make you more depressed. He said, no, it makes me feel better. He also said, it works in the opposite way for him (making him happy not bringing him down).
I don't want him to have a problem (or rather us to have a problem) but what do you guys think?
Thanks for listening! I appreciate it.
This is getting way too long.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Loughborough -
Well whether he has a drinking problem or not - it seems his drinking habits and other patterns of behavior are bothering you! It doesn't seem to bother him that he is sneaking beers or hiding empties, that he is walking around over-exposed and with questionable hygiene, or that he is depressed because it is winter!
What did seem to bother him is when you forgot the beer from the store!
So, this is who he is and where he's at. And most of us on this board learned the hard way that you just can't change other people - no matter how obvious their difficulties seem to us, nor how obvious just a few changes would improve their lives (what we think is improved anyway!).
Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
You're definitely aware of what it is that's bothering you.
Can you accept him, just the way he is?
What actions can you take for yourself once you've accepted what is?
Not easy stuff.
peace & welcome!
b
Well whether he has a drinking problem or not - it seems his drinking habits and other patterns of behavior are bothering you! It doesn't seem to bother him that he is sneaking beers or hiding empties, that he is walking around over-exposed and with questionable hygiene, or that he is depressed because it is winter!
What did seem to bother him is when you forgot the beer from the store!
So, this is who he is and where he's at. And most of us on this board learned the hard way that you just can't change other people - no matter how obvious their difficulties seem to us, nor how obvious just a few changes would improve their lives (what we think is improved anyway!).
Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
You're definitely aware of what it is that's bothering you.
Can you accept him, just the way he is?
What actions can you take for yourself once you've accepted what is?
Not easy stuff.
peace & welcome!
b
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
I would agree too with Live....depression sounds a real possibility here and of course the drinking definately wont help regardless of whether he is an alcoholic or not.
Welcome to SR........read read and read some more you will learn alot by hanging out here. It keeps me sane! Take Care and look after YOU too...Phiz
Welcome to SR........read read and read some more you will learn alot by hanging out here. It keeps me sane! Take Care and look after YOU too...Phiz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 28
Welcome to SoberRecovery!
I will try to make this short. I am worried about my husband.
Well, I think that YOU DO feel there's a problem, because you're here. And I applaud you for starting here.
From your title question, "Is he an alcoholic or soon to become one?", I'd like to offer that something you might ask yourself instead could be, "Are these characteristics & behaviors in line with what I envision as healthy and acceptable in my life?"
Al-Anon may also be another helpful place to determine these things.
Originally Posted by Loughborough 
I will try to make this short. I am worried about my husband.
Originally Posted by Loughborough
I don't want him to have a problem (or rather us to have a problem) but what do you guys think?
From your title question, "Is he an alcoholic or soon to become one?", I'd like to offer that something you might ask yourself instead could be, "Are these characteristics & behaviors in line with what I envision as healthy and acceptable in my life?"
Al-Anon may also be another helpful place to determine these things.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Whether he is an alcoholic, depressed or going thru male menapause, I don't know, but perhaps he could do with seeing a GP.
My late XAH's behavior matched that of your man, and it is a shock to see a once smart dresser and fastidious man turn into a smelly old hobo. I once sprayed the bar area in our home to the point of nearly suffocating myself, and he still didn't get why.
I left, for a few reasons and a smelly, unkempt and drunken man was a major reason.
God bless
My late XAH's behavior matched that of your man, and it is a shock to see a once smart dresser and fastidious man turn into a smelly old hobo. I once sprayed the bar area in our home to the point of nearly suffocating myself, and he still didn't get why.
I left, for a few reasons and a smelly, unkempt and drunken man was a major reason.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Oh Darling. You sound as if you are answering a lot of your own questions.
I am not about to make a diagnosis. What is a label anyway? What is important is what behaviour you find acceptable or not.
Welcome to SR. Please have a good read of the stickies and see if you can learn more about what you are experiencing.
I felt such understanding and relief coming here that I wasn't alone and not "at fault" nor going mad. Again... welcome
I am not about to make a diagnosis. What is a label anyway? What is important is what behaviour you find acceptable or not.
Welcome to SR. Please have a good read of the stickies and see if you can learn more about what you are experiencing.
I felt such understanding and relief coming here that I wasn't alone and not "at fault" nor going mad. Again... welcome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 46
Thank you all so much. I was looking for ideas, advice, etc. and I am glad to have gotten some. It has been a long while since this all started and I have a feeling it will be a long while before it ends, but I am beginning to open up and talk about it versus keeping it all inside myself. I do not even bring it up with my close friends any more as I don't want to bother them and I don't want them to think that it is always about me, LOL!
So thank you again, and I will continue to read more here.
I did go to an Al-Anon meeting last week looking for some answers as to what is going on. I am planning to go to another, but its tough when I don't want to let my husband know I am going (yet) but I hate sneaking around behind his back.
So thank you again, and I will continue to read more here.
I did go to an Al-Anon meeting last week looking for some answers as to what is going on. I am planning to go to another, but its tough when I don't want to let my husband know I am going (yet) but I hate sneaking around behind his back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Oh wow! Your post really opened my eyes - I had forgotten about the smelly, drunk, dirty guy who used to live in my house. It has now been 6 months and it is a happier place without him camped out in front of the TV with a cooler by his feet.
Loughborough, I am sorry for what you are going through. Maybe he is and maybe he is't an alcoholic, but he doesn't sound very responsive to your concerns, does he? You might start reading up on alcoholism for more information.
Loughborough, I am sorry for what you are going through. Maybe he is and maybe he is't an alcoholic, but he doesn't sound very responsive to your concerns, does he? You might start reading up on alcoholism for more information.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 46
Oh my goodness, it has been so long since I posted the above message, 2 years. Life got in the way I guess and I kind of forgot about this forum.
For Stella27, if you are still around, thank you also for your words of wisdom!
In a nutshell, I am still with my husband. The drinking has not gotten better, defintely worse, to the point where he has been drinking ~12 cans per day. It took me a long time to finally get him to the doctor, just 2 weeks ago in fact. He had been "progressing" all along healthwise, still no energy, no motivation, no interests, no libido, etc. He has been having physical problems also, like nausea, headaches, the shakes---pretty bad. He already has COPD and asthma and that has been exacerbated lately. He recently had a coughing fit where he lost his breath and passed out. I heard a clunk, went to see what happened and he was getting up off the floor. He was seeing double then, the doctor told me to take him to ER when I called to ask if I should be concerned. He ended up breaking his bone just under his eye and the bone just on the inside of his eye (about where the tear duct is).
In the hospital that day, he told the 2 people who asked (ER admitting nurse and an ER doctor) that he only "drinks occasionally," "one now and then." I didn't call him on it then, but I did call him on it when I went with him to his GP appt. the following week. I also called him on his morning drinking. He first denied the approx. 12 a day, then fessed up about it.
He has started lying about going to get "gas for the tractor," "air for the tractor tire, it's flat," "went to get a newspaper but didn't have money," when in reality he has come home with beer.....so yeah it's worse. So glad I remembered to do a search today, which brought me to this forum, which reminded me I posted a couple years ago.
I never thought I would stay in a situation like this but here I still am. I am doing things for me, going to counseling, am now taking a class towards a degree if all goes well, and just started this past weekend volunteering at a horse farm that rescues horses. I do work also, at home, and am planning on looking for outside work also--husband is home ALL THE TIME and it is too much togetherness for me. Since I am the only one working now (he should and could be but that's another story) I also feel under great pressure to keep us financially okay. We are having major financial troubles, which adds to my stress.
Many days I do want out, I just want to take care of me and not take care of him! We have 2 boys, both are grown, working and going to college, so both still at home, but I FEEL like I have 3 boys--well actually the "boys" are more responsible than their dad right now. Then I think of what we used to have, how he used to be, and that makes me want to stay and try to fix things....but even if he stops, I know it will never be "like it used to be," and that is scary too.
So anyway, as usual I have way too much to say, but thought I would give an update just in case anyone was wondering
For Stella27, if you are still around, thank you also for your words of wisdom!
In a nutshell, I am still with my husband. The drinking has not gotten better, defintely worse, to the point where he has been drinking ~12 cans per day. It took me a long time to finally get him to the doctor, just 2 weeks ago in fact. He had been "progressing" all along healthwise, still no energy, no motivation, no interests, no libido, etc. He has been having physical problems also, like nausea, headaches, the shakes---pretty bad. He already has COPD and asthma and that has been exacerbated lately. He recently had a coughing fit where he lost his breath and passed out. I heard a clunk, went to see what happened and he was getting up off the floor. He was seeing double then, the doctor told me to take him to ER when I called to ask if I should be concerned. He ended up breaking his bone just under his eye and the bone just on the inside of his eye (about where the tear duct is).
In the hospital that day, he told the 2 people who asked (ER admitting nurse and an ER doctor) that he only "drinks occasionally," "one now and then." I didn't call him on it then, but I did call him on it when I went with him to his GP appt. the following week. I also called him on his morning drinking. He first denied the approx. 12 a day, then fessed up about it.
He has started lying about going to get "gas for the tractor," "air for the tractor tire, it's flat," "went to get a newspaper but didn't have money," when in reality he has come home with beer.....so yeah it's worse. So glad I remembered to do a search today, which brought me to this forum, which reminded me I posted a couple years ago.
I never thought I would stay in a situation like this but here I still am. I am doing things for me, going to counseling, am now taking a class towards a degree if all goes well, and just started this past weekend volunteering at a horse farm that rescues horses. I do work also, at home, and am planning on looking for outside work also--husband is home ALL THE TIME and it is too much togetherness for me. Since I am the only one working now (he should and could be but that's another story) I also feel under great pressure to keep us financially okay. We are having major financial troubles, which adds to my stress.
Many days I do want out, I just want to take care of me and not take care of him! We have 2 boys, both are grown, working and going to college, so both still at home, but I FEEL like I have 3 boys--well actually the "boys" are more responsible than their dad right now. Then I think of what we used to have, how he used to be, and that makes me want to stay and try to fix things....but even if he stops, I know it will never be "like it used to be," and that is scary too.
So anyway, as usual I have way too much to say, but thought I would give an update just in case anyone was wondering
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm very glad you found SR again and updated. I'm sorry that things have gotten worse for you though. 
There is so much support here and you deserve support from people that understand. Is there a local al-anon meeting you could attend?
I also got so much out of reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
Hope to see you around here more often Loughborough.
There is so much support here and you deserve support from people that understand. Is there a local al-anon meeting you could attend?
I also got so much out of reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
Hope to see you around here more often Loughborough.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Glad an SR old timer is back! Sorry to hear about your situation ... just proves the progressive nature of the disease, unfortunately, once again.
Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings. They are for YOU, yes someone just like YOU, in YOUR position. A great many of us here have been helped so much by Al-Anon.
Peace.
Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings. They are for YOU, yes someone just like YOU, in YOUR position. A great many of us here have been helped so much by Al-Anon.
Peace.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Just figure out what's best for YOU as to getting to the first meeting. Then you can talk to members about this issue after the meeting, and come back an post here as to how your approach went and what options the Al-Anon group came up with for you.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
You're story is a classic example of the progression of the disease. Sorry that you have to be affected by it, first hand.
I'm the RAH in my marriage. I post mostly in the Newcomers and Alcoholism forums. How often I read from new posters who don't want to accept that it will get worse. They cling to the idea that things aren't that bad and they can hold it in check. Wrong, we tell them, alcoholism is progressive. But as I've found, telling them means little. They have to find out for themselves.
Glad to read that your recovery sounds solid.
I'm the RAH in my marriage. I post mostly in the Newcomers and Alcoholism forums. How often I read from new posters who don't want to accept that it will get worse. They cling to the idea that things aren't that bad and they can hold it in check. Wrong, we tell them, alcoholism is progressive. But as I've found, telling them means little. They have to find out for themselves.
Glad to read that your recovery sounds solid.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 46
I will do that Titanic and report back.
Doggonecarl (cute name by the way), I understand what you are saying. I just recently was talking to a girlfriend who I have shared pretty much everything with and when I said something like "____(husband's name) being an alcoholic," I couldn't believe what I was saying, that my life had come to this point. It is certainly not what I expected or wished for, so I am sure I am still trying to deny it in a way.
Doggonecarl (cute name by the way), I understand what you are saying. I just recently was talking to a girlfriend who I have shared pretty much everything with and when I said something like "____(husband's name) being an alcoholic," I couldn't believe what I was saying, that my life had come to this point. It is certainly not what I expected or wished for, so I am sure I am still trying to deny it in a way.
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