TNgirlie615

I am new here, but not new to addiction. My hubby is a recovering crack addict. Going on 3 years now. We have 16 month old twins and we are attempting to reconcile our marriage. He is a constant liar. About little stuff even. But most recently, I caught him trying to "hook" up online. And by hook up, just quick NSA sex. He finally admitted to me that he doesn't miss the drug per say, but the lifestyle associated with it, mainly the uninhibited sexual stuff. He was on probation up until May of 2009, we had a vacation, some other things happened, but I noticed his behavior about sex changing in mid-September... his constant need for it and getting downright irritated if I said "no" occassionally.

My question is, could this be a partial relapse and what can I do, or can he do? Could he be cross addicting with wanting the uninhibited sex? He is willing to go talk to a therapist and is making plans for that. Is this common? I'm thankful he hasn't relapsed, but this is almost worse. The man I love, the father of two beautiful babies, wanting to go out there and have stranger sex on a whim?

Any feedback would be appreciated! We have a few more issues, but this is a biggie for me right now.

Live

That is so dangerous...I don't know what NSA is but I do know what STD & AIDS are.
Besides the emotional, psychological pain, the loss of trust...
I am so very sorry you have this in your life.
I would feel quite devastated (my XABF) used to cheat and it just killed something in me...for a long while, it was very difficult to recover from!

sunnygirl68

I caught my AH messing around on the chat lines too, also was the strange addiction to porn....He tells me now it was all about the ritual of these things that were connected to the drug.(Things he NEVER does while clean)
Yes, I do think you can cross addictions, but more importantly, I would be worried about what these behaviors might trigger.

Hope that helps.

hello-kitty

I'm really sorry for you. But I'm super glad you found this website!

Does it really matter if this is a partial relapse, a whole relapse or some completely new, different deviant behavior that he has developed.

You cannot change him. So hopefully he follows through on the counseling. Hopefully he doesn't continue to lie to you. Hopefully he doesn't pick up crack again. Hopefully he stops chasing sex with strangers. Hopefully he stops disrespecting you and your marriage and your beautiful children.

Unfortunately you have no control over whether he will or not.

What you can control is your boundaries.What are they? What is acceptable behavior to you? How do you want to be treated? What kind of environment do you want your children to grow up in? What values do you want your children to learn?

You can set boundaries about the kind of behavior you will accept in your life around you and your children.

If his behavior is not acceptable to you then your next step would be to decide on the consequences of his actions. Then the hard part - following through on the consequences - enforcing the boundaries.

Is this what you want for your children and yourself for the rest of your days? I'm sorry. That would just be a deal breaker for me.

outtolunch

"Until all addictions are eradicated, the relationship isn't in the stage of rebuilding trust."

I lifted this from another thread. The source is a marriage counselor.

eaglesgirl

Ditto....

Is your husband active in any kind of recovery group? If he is, what has he said to his sponsor?

Do YOU have any form of a recovery group, either Nar-anon or Al-anon (for the families of addicts)?

Very dangerous behaviors... please protect yourself and your babies.

TNgirlie615

This is all so new to me.

My boundaries for living with a recovering addict worked for over 3 years, now there's this new issue... I can't stop him from going to pick up a prostitute, or engaging in a nooner with some stranger. I would never know! He beat a court ordered lie detector test, so he can even convince himself he's telling the truth! He now has a company issued cell phone, so I can't monitor that like I use to. How nice... He got that on Jan 1 and he's already used it to place a personal!

I love him, but he's got so many issues... it's like we jump one hurdle and there's another one staring us in the face. I'm just exhausted.

I have a feeling when the babies are older, the choice will be easier. If we didn't have so much debt, it would be easier.

He told me he's going to start attending sex therapy sessions this week... And he wants me to go to at least one private session with him and the therapist, so I can understand what's going on.

This is NOT how I saw myself approaching mid-life, okay, not quite mid-life, but no spring chicken either!

TNgirlie615

No, that's part of it. He got off probation in May 2009 and after over many years of court mandated rehabs, meetings, therapy sessions, he completely quit going, and quit calling his sponsor.

hello-kitty

TNgirlie. Trying to be in a relationship with a sex addict/drug addict can suck the life out of you. How difficult it must be - especially with little twin babies. I hope you will keep reading and posting here.

As far as boundaries go, I started with giving my values a voice. I thought long and hard about what was important to me in a relationship and the kind of environment I wanted my baby to grow up in. I wrote down my values so I could see them. And then I compared the life I was living with the life that I really wanted for myself and my child. I realized that what I had and what I wanted did not match up.

Then I set boundaries based based on my values. You may not be there yet - but you might want to give it a little thought.

And in the meantime, you might want to start putting a little bit a way and thinking about an escape plan. Just in case you decide you are done waiting for him to change.

Learning to trust myself and learning that I could do it on my own (raise a child, support myself) helped me to find the strength to seek the life I really wanted instead of waiting for someone else to provide it for me.

(((hugs))) to you. Please keep reading and posting. You'll find lots of support and knowledge here. You are not alone. (Heck - look at what poor Tiger Woods wife is going through right now. But at least she can sue his butt for support...)

Things will get better for you. Just do what's best for the little ones - for their long term needs. So they don't grow up thinking that what their daddy is doing is acceptable behavior.

jerect

TNGIRLIE, my heart goes out to you.. I caught my AH cheating on me after we had been married only one year and it was devestating.. therefore I cannot imagine what it must be like for you living with this day in and day out.

I'm not going to add anything to what the others have already said.. but I will say this;

PROTECT YOURSELF!!! please go get tested for STD's and do not have sex with your husband again until you know for absolute sure that he is not entertaining prostitutes or having No Strings Attatched Hook Ups.. if he loves you and wants things to work out in your marriage then he will understand this and wait until you are ready.. if he does not understand then he is not worth it.. debt or no debt, you owe yourself and your children a better life.. you deserve it..

WELCOME TO SR...

lam9132

So sorry TNgirlie! I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues. Ex-BF cheated on me a couple years ago and I found out in June. We were working through that when I found out he was on an adult dating site, with a paid subscription, emailing photos to other women. He definitely has a porn addiction. He's had profiles on many adult dating sites, but never paid for a subscription before. He lied to me about his activities on line. As far as I can tell all he's ever done is lie to me. On top of that I am just discovering that he has a coke addiction. I've thought for a while he had alcohol issues. I haven't seen him for a month and I am trying to stay no contact. I don't have children with him and we don't live together and I am weary and sad and just got anti-depressants to try to deal with some of this. I so wish you weren't going through this with babies. Maybe you want to at least see a lawyer to see what he would have to pay you for child support . . . ? I know that for me, after almost 8 years with this man, nothing has improved. The lies have gotten bigger.

TNgirlie615

One thing I've done is remove ALL the computers from the home. I have a work laptop that I only bring home on weekends now. And the connection to the internet has to go through my phone. So at least I know he won't be online through a computer, only his blackberry... And there's only so much you can do with that. I did see a lawyer about support. I let him know what it would be and he flipped out and said that he wouldn't be able to pay it and would just start working under the table, or they could throw him in jail. He doesn't care, he spent more than 10 years behind bars... I think he felt comfortable there Thank you for your reply. And best wishes on your situation.

TNgirlie615

I just get so sad thinking about things. His own dad was/is a selfish, wife-beating, SOB himself. And my husband said he never wants to end up like him. Well, in my eyes, he's ending up worse! The thing is before I married him 3 and half years ago, I was on my own my whole life. I never depended on anyone, great job, self supporting, etc.! When he came home from jail, I guess the crack had cleaned out of his system and I ended up pregnant 4 months later! I could raise one on my own... No problem. But 2??? I was terrified when the doc saw two sacs. Taking them to daycare every morning, going to work for 9 hours, picking them up every afternoon, feeding, bathing, playing with them. It's exhausting! A part of me was so happy when he was gone during our separation, but a part of me "needed" him there to help. I didn't miss him per say, I missed his help with the babies. And that's where I am right now. I really can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore. I'm just so confused. I do need to keep reading! Thank you for your support! And thank everyone here!

hello-kitty

Sweetie, we can do anything we set our minds too. It's about us and our choices.

I'm certainly not downplaying the CHALLENGE of your situation but people do it all the time. Actually I have 2 different friends, each with twins, and they are raising them on their own. it may not be easy but it's a helluva lot easier than dealing with a drug addict.

My one friend has twin 5 year old girls. They go to school with my son. Her and her husband are divorced. They've been divorced since the girls were 2.

My other friend has twin 4 year old boys and she is raising them completely on her own - her husband died of a heroin overdose last summer. She was raising them on her own long before her husband died because her husband couldn't be trusted to raise them. He cared more about drugs than his family. Actually he was an added burden because of his drug addiction.


My ex was an added burden as well. I didn't need to take care of a 35 year old baby in addition to the baby I already had.

By the way, there is one woman on this sight who is raising 7 children on her own. Teke. Her husband just passed away while in prison.

Aren't you kind of raising them on your own anyway? Or are you choosing to let a drug addict help raise them? What's worse??

Callie

I agree with Kitty, you CAN do this on your own. I have 9 year old twins and looking back, I did most of the load anyway - even though my AH was present. Just because he was a physical body didn't mean he was much of a help. I know when I found out I was having twins I was scared, but looking back - I did it. I am doing it and they're awesome kids.

findmyway

I was a single mom for 6 years before I met my partner now...with 2 kids 2 years apart and it is harder to have an addict in the house than not. I work full time..and its is a break..being in the house can get me a little stircrazy. I have a 5 month old and get no help from his dad...hes too caught up in booze and drugs. Im waiting for the day to be on my own again...kids I can handle...drug addict I can not. What Im doing is setting up daycare now- I go back to work in may..but planning ahead really helps. Maybe meet some other single moms in the area? You might even get some time for yourself again!! Its hard sweetie but I know how emotionally draining it is to have some man take up all your emotional energy. Imagine if you had all that back?
You can do it..we can do it! Im in the same boat so no judgement..Im just letting you know it can be done.

TNgirlie615

Wow! This was my thought exactly when he moved out in mid-Jan! My husband is 35! It was quiet and peaceful while he was gone, it was just so pysically draining. I've got a lot of thinking and reading to do.

TNgirlie615

He's actually been in and out of jail/prison since he was 19. A total of 10 years over the last 16 years of his life. All crack cocaine related. Theft, fraud, possession, intent, etc. Some felony, some misdemeanor. He moved out in mid-January. And after learning the laws of matrimony, he wisened up (unfortunate for me) and figured no matter what I can't keep him away from "our" marriage home unless we get a divorce or there is documented abuse.... so in an effort to save himself from having to pay rent since he's got to help with our marriage home bills, baby bills, etc... lucky me, he's moving back in this Saturday full time.

Insulated

Yes to the cross addiction. Hospice was very candid with me about the NSA thing. Part of the culture evidently. Hurts to know this, but after three years and his death, the truth did come out into the light. The most important thing for you to think about is protection from STD's. Been there, done that, got the VIP parking pass. lol

TNgirlie615

Did he ever seek treatment for that side of his issue? My husband was in sex therapy during his probation as well as rehab for drugs. During his sex therapy, we both felt it was a waste of time and money, but now that this has come to light, perhaps probation knew more about him then he knew about himself.