Boyfriend is Recovering Addict, but possibly using
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Boyfriend is Recovering Addict, but possibly using
Hi everyone,
I am dating a recovering heroin addict, who has been clean since june of 2009- less than a year. I was not with him when he was using, but we have dated very seriously in the past and it seemed like now we are on the right track.
However, I have trouble trusting him- I hear him opening something in the bathroom and wonder if he's using. I try to figure out if his behavior has any drug using symptoms. I recognize it's driving me a little nuts. However, I know that regardless of what I find or look for I cant stop anything and I need to decided whether I will let go and trust what he says and see what happens or if I need to break up with him.
He has been saying for a while that he would go to a therapist because he did not like NAr anon meetings (he said they just made him feel worse), but he has not actively sought out a therapist. He does not have health insurance right now and uses that as an excuse, but when I really confronted him the other night he said he hadn't decided what he was going to do. I know that I can't push him into something, but I know that if he's not willing to work with his recovery that I can't start a future with him.
He also uses pills occasionally that he gets from a friend for sleeping aids and when he had a tooth ache he took something for a period of time. He also drinks occasionally. This behavior really worries me, and although he has not spun out of control, it seems like he is walking a fine line.
The great things in our relationship are very strong, he is a caring and hard working person and nothing has technically been "wrong" so far- but there is so much worry that I can't figure out how best to handle the situation. IT's hard to let go of something when he hasn't had any serious relapse and there is a lot of great stuff there- I know that relationships are always hard, so is this our issue to deal with? If he does go to a therapist should I try to continue with him?
I just don't know what to think or believe...
I am dating a recovering heroin addict, who has been clean since june of 2009- less than a year. I was not with him when he was using, but we have dated very seriously in the past and it seemed like now we are on the right track.
However, I have trouble trusting him- I hear him opening something in the bathroom and wonder if he's using. I try to figure out if his behavior has any drug using symptoms. I recognize it's driving me a little nuts. However, I know that regardless of what I find or look for I cant stop anything and I need to decided whether I will let go and trust what he says and see what happens or if I need to break up with him.
He has been saying for a while that he would go to a therapist because he did not like NAr anon meetings (he said they just made him feel worse), but he has not actively sought out a therapist. He does not have health insurance right now and uses that as an excuse, but when I really confronted him the other night he said he hadn't decided what he was going to do. I know that I can't push him into something, but I know that if he's not willing to work with his recovery that I can't start a future with him.
He also uses pills occasionally that he gets from a friend for sleeping aids and when he had a tooth ache he took something for a period of time. He also drinks occasionally. This behavior really worries me, and although he has not spun out of control, it seems like he is walking a fine line.
The great things in our relationship are very strong, he is a caring and hard working person and nothing has technically been "wrong" so far- but there is so much worry that I can't figure out how best to handle the situation. IT's hard to let go of something when he hasn't had any serious relapse and there is a lot of great stuff there- I know that relationships are always hard, so is this our issue to deal with? If he does go to a therapist should I try to continue with him?
I just don't know what to think or believe...
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome.
Addiction and heroin relapses are not minor "issues" that you should deal with in a relationship. It's not like he forgets to put gas in the car or hang up his wet towels! It's an illegal drug and it will kill him slowly and you slowly as well. Opiates (especially heroin) are like putting a gun to your head, loaded with one bullet and then pulling the trigger... over and over and over....
I do believe you are seeing red flags everywhere but really want to ignore them because there are some great things about your relationship. However Heroin and drugs should be a deal breaker in any relationship. At least that's my boundary - maybe it's not yours.
You get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your relationship.
I think you need to trust your gut. If you sense something is wrong, then you should go with it because that's why we have senses - to warn us, to protect us.
Believe what your WISE brain says. Because your brain thinks. Your heart feels. (And right now your heart is feeling uncomfortable - that should be a warning to you.)
What would you want to tell your best friend if she was in this situation? Because YOU have to be your own best friend.
By the way, an heroin addict who is abusing pills (like buying them from friends for toothaches and the like) is NOT in recovery. He's still an active addict. And it will get worse. Most likely, if he is an addict, he will end up back on his drug of choice - and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control his addiction. You can't cure his addiction.
I know that relationships are always hard, so is this our issue to deal with?
I do believe you are seeing red flags everywhere but really want to ignore them because there are some great things about your relationship. However Heroin and drugs should be a deal breaker in any relationship. At least that's my boundary - maybe it's not yours.
You get to decide what you will and will not put up with in your relationship.
I think you need to trust your gut. If you sense something is wrong, then you should go with it because that's why we have senses - to warn us, to protect us.
Believe what your WISE brain says. Because your brain thinks. Your heart feels. (And right now your heart is feeling uncomfortable - that should be a warning to you.)
What would you want to tell your best friend if she was in this situation? Because YOU have to be your own best friend.
By the way, an heroin addict who is abusing pills (like buying them from friends for toothaches and the like) is NOT in recovery. He's still an active addict. And it will get worse. Most likely, if he is an addict, he will end up back on his drug of choice - and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You didn't cause his addiction. You can't control his addiction. You can't cure his addiction.
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WARNING WILL ROBINSON (for those of you who remember "Lost in Space") ............ RED FLAGS RED FLAGS
As has been said above ......................... TRUST YOUR GUT ........................ addiction never gets easier only HARDER and much HARDER for the loved ones of the addict(s).
If you confront, he will probably deny. However, taking sleeping pills without a prescription and drinking are NOT RECOVERY.
Please check out some Naranon or Alanon meetings for you and get some face to face support, in addition what you can get here.
Sounds like QUACKING to me. And if he were serious, therapists are available on a 'sliding fee' basis without health insurance. JMHO but he's 'stalling' you and 'lying'.
For your own sanity ............................. if you can ........................... step away from the addict and JUST WATCH HIS ACTIONS. In a year or so, his ACTIONS will tell you how serious he is about recovery.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
As has been said above ......................... TRUST YOUR GUT ........................ addiction never gets easier only HARDER and much HARDER for the loved ones of the addict(s).
If you confront, he will probably deny. However, taking sleeping pills without a prescription and drinking are NOT RECOVERY.
Please check out some Naranon or Alanon meetings for you and get some face to face support, in addition what you can get here.
He has been saying for a while that he would go to a therapist because he did not like NAr anon meetings (he said they just made him feel worse), but he has not actively sought out a therapist. He does not have health insurance right now and uses that as an excuse,
For your own sanity ............................. if you can ........................... step away from the addict and JUST WATCH HIS ACTIONS. In a year or so, his ACTIONS will tell you how serious he is about recovery.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
Thank you all for your advice. I have planned some things to talk to him about today, which I realize is not stepping away and he may have some smooth moves to speak of.... There are certainly red flags and so I am conscious that I need to keep my own personal goals and plans in mind.
I do, however feel that I'm not ready to walk away without having the opportunity to express my concerns and hear his view of what has been going on. Yes there has been stalling, and I have had a lot of worries, that is why I came here to get advice. You all have helped me reflect on how dangerous I know this relationship is. I'm quite scared to have this talk tonight because part of me feels that I will have to let go of him- and part of me is hopeful of a productive conversation to see what he thinks of the whole thing. Then of course it will be what his actions are, because obviously the words have not been enough.
Do any of you have advice for approaching an addict about his behavior and seeking support?
I do, however feel that I'm not ready to walk away without having the opportunity to express my concerns and hear his view of what has been going on. Yes there has been stalling, and I have had a lot of worries, that is why I came here to get advice. You all have helped me reflect on how dangerous I know this relationship is. I'm quite scared to have this talk tonight because part of me feels that I will have to let go of him- and part of me is hopeful of a productive conversation to see what he thinks of the whole thing. Then of course it will be what his actions are, because obviously the words have not been enough.
Do any of you have advice for approaching an addict about his behavior and seeking support?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I share a very similar experience, and maybe I can provide at least some useful input. My gf, 20, I'm 22, has been sober from an opiate (OC/Heroic) addiction for 6 months months now. We had only been dating for a few months when she came clean, originally she told me she was a former user. Like your BF she hated NA, went once while she was detoxing and never went back, said she hated how it made her feel.
Before it came out that she was an addict the signs were everywhere and I let myself believe anything she would say. I confronted her a few times but she would deny it and I believed it. For the last 6 months we have battled to get trust back in our relationship, and we are doing alright. She has cut ties ENTIRELY with ANYONE associated with the use, since literally all of her group of friends are still users. We have had 100% open honestly about how she is feeling, any contact, cravings etc... and I am open about my concerns.
She had a surgery that required Percocet for the pain, and for this she stayed at her parents so that her mother, a nurse, could monitor the dosing and allocation of the opiate.
I guess what I am getting at is that I am incredibly concerned that your BF is taking 'stuff' for pain that you are not sure of what it is. It is quite possible that it is an opiate, since it is for pain.
My honest belief is that if you see signs and are unable to confront him about it and get honest feedback, you cannot stay. You need 100% transparency for any chance of getting through it.
Before it came out that she was an addict the signs were everywhere and I let myself believe anything she would say. I confronted her a few times but she would deny it and I believed it. For the last 6 months we have battled to get trust back in our relationship, and we are doing alright. She has cut ties ENTIRELY with ANYONE associated with the use, since literally all of her group of friends are still users. We have had 100% open honestly about how she is feeling, any contact, cravings etc... and I am open about my concerns.
She had a surgery that required Percocet for the pain, and for this she stayed at her parents so that her mother, a nurse, could monitor the dosing and allocation of the opiate.
I guess what I am getting at is that I am incredibly concerned that your BF is taking 'stuff' for pain that you are not sure of what it is. It is quite possible that it is an opiate, since it is for pain.
My honest belief is that if you see signs and are unable to confront him about it and get honest feedback, you cannot stay. You need 100% transparency for any chance of getting through it.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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James, thank you for sharing your experience.
Things have taken a big turn, very quickly with a new situation. The night I planned to go talk to him, he seemed a bit testy as we had fought that weekend about my going on a trip, and so I held off on the conversation just so that we could have it at a constructive time, like the next night. I went to take a shower and when I got out of the shower I found a piece of toilet paper on the floor wrapped around something. When I opened it I found little paper packets of heroin wraped in a rubber band that said "x-box".
What made this find particularly scary is that a month ago I saw a little paper bag ripped up in his toilet. It was the same type of paper bag, it said "x-box".
Also, I have been hearing him opening something in the bathroom for a while. I tried to just assume it was nothing as it's his time in the bathroom, but as I kept hearing these little sounds of either paper or plastic being opened or ripped I started to listen more. The other night I heard those sounds so I opened the door. He was tying his pants and not doing anything "bad", but there was a piece of paper in the toilet. He says that it was toilet paper, but it was on top of the water when toilet paper usually sinks.
So, his response was that the heroin I found was his friends, because he went out to dinner with friends that night and they had stopped by his apartment first to meet up. When I brought up the sounds in the bathroom he says that he has no idea what I'm hearing. When I talked about the bag a month ago, he admitted that he knew what that bag was, but that it was garbage he found and that he would have tried to hide it more if he was using.
He says that he isn't using, and the hard thing is that his general behavior has been normal- he doesn't act like he's high. He also says that he will prove to me that he's clean by cutting all of these people with drugs out of his life (he has already cut out most of them, which I know-- but these people I did not realize do drugs), that he will go to therapy and throw out any medications he has.
With that, he says that he'd be doing this to prove to me that he's okay, but that he feels like he's in a good place. that he's moved on from the painful and horrible experiences and that it gets easier every day not to use. He does acknowledge that he'd like to get out of NEw York City because it is a hard town with lots of temptation.
I worry that he's doing all of this for me, and that I will have to watch and monitor everything. I worry that he is lying and what I have found to be suspicious is actually bad.
On the flip side, when I went to speak with him for a second time yesterday I did feel like I should give him the chance to prove he's clean. If he got a drug test and a therapist... I am realizing through this experience how much I love him and it's so hard for me to just let go when there is the possibility of something so great. Nothing is concrete with what I found.
Part of me feels that I need to just walk away and protect myself, but I also know how painful and hard that will be. How many questions and doubts I will have and what a big love i will lose.
Is it possible to move on from an addiction like heroin?
Things have taken a big turn, very quickly with a new situation. The night I planned to go talk to him, he seemed a bit testy as we had fought that weekend about my going on a trip, and so I held off on the conversation just so that we could have it at a constructive time, like the next night. I went to take a shower and when I got out of the shower I found a piece of toilet paper on the floor wrapped around something. When I opened it I found little paper packets of heroin wraped in a rubber band that said "x-box".
What made this find particularly scary is that a month ago I saw a little paper bag ripped up in his toilet. It was the same type of paper bag, it said "x-box".
Also, I have been hearing him opening something in the bathroom for a while. I tried to just assume it was nothing as it's his time in the bathroom, but as I kept hearing these little sounds of either paper or plastic being opened or ripped I started to listen more. The other night I heard those sounds so I opened the door. He was tying his pants and not doing anything "bad", but there was a piece of paper in the toilet. He says that it was toilet paper, but it was on top of the water when toilet paper usually sinks.
So, his response was that the heroin I found was his friends, because he went out to dinner with friends that night and they had stopped by his apartment first to meet up. When I brought up the sounds in the bathroom he says that he has no idea what I'm hearing. When I talked about the bag a month ago, he admitted that he knew what that bag was, but that it was garbage he found and that he would have tried to hide it more if he was using.
He says that he isn't using, and the hard thing is that his general behavior has been normal- he doesn't act like he's high. He also says that he will prove to me that he's clean by cutting all of these people with drugs out of his life (he has already cut out most of them, which I know-- but these people I did not realize do drugs), that he will go to therapy and throw out any medications he has.
With that, he says that he'd be doing this to prove to me that he's okay, but that he feels like he's in a good place. that he's moved on from the painful and horrible experiences and that it gets easier every day not to use. He does acknowledge that he'd like to get out of NEw York City because it is a hard town with lots of temptation.
I worry that he's doing all of this for me, and that I will have to watch and monitor everything. I worry that he is lying and what I have found to be suspicious is actually bad.
On the flip side, when I went to speak with him for a second time yesterday I did feel like I should give him the chance to prove he's clean. If he got a drug test and a therapist... I am realizing through this experience how much I love him and it's so hard for me to just let go when there is the possibility of something so great. Nothing is concrete with what I found.
Part of me feels that I need to just walk away and protect myself, but I also know how painful and hard that will be. How many questions and doubts I will have and what a big love i will lose.
Is it possible to move on from an addiction like heroin?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Oh, honey, I know you feel the right thing to do is give him the benefit of the doubt, and trust that he's gonna follow through with what he says (the therapist). But I really really feel that you're in for a difficult time of things.
There is a book called "Blink". In it the author describes examples of how we don't listen to our gut reactions. Our bodies are so tuned into other people (and things) that we can often assess a situation - before we even have words to go with the experience - in an instant, a blink of the eye. Yet we don't trust this instinct. We discount it, push it away, and second-guess it.
This is why I bring this up: You were tapping into something "not right" before you even saw the papers in the bathroom. I don't need any more of the story to think that there is no way he is telling you the truth about the baggies. "It belongs to a friend" is a classic line. Even if you could check out the story with so-called friend (he might suggest this to "prove" the story) the friend would surely lie for him. Even if he deletes all his phone numbers, he's got them stored elsewhere. Even if you have access to his cell phone records, he'll use another phone.
My guess is that he doesn't seem high to you because he's using just to maintain. Is his other behavior out of whack? Maybe this isn't a deal-breaker; you can be with someone who is doing that. But, he is lying to you, in order to continue using. And it's progressive. Heroin is a TOUGH drug to stay off of. He needs assistance.
Many, if not most, of the others here on S/R will not agree with me, but. If you have another conversation with him about this, and you feel as though you need "proof" because he might be lying to you, spring the drug test on him. Do not let him know you might do this, do not let him pee in private and do not let him stall saying he can't go right now. (maybe wait til it's been a few hours?) If he throws a fit, I say you've got your proof. If he really wants to clear his name, he will feel this is demeaning, but he will understand why you are suspicious, and want to get himself right with you.
I know I came across as a know-it-all, but based on what you said, I'm just that sure.
Best to you,
There is a book called "Blink". In it the author describes examples of how we don't listen to our gut reactions. Our bodies are so tuned into other people (and things) that we can often assess a situation - before we even have words to go with the experience - in an instant, a blink of the eye. Yet we don't trust this instinct. We discount it, push it away, and second-guess it.
This is why I bring this up: You were tapping into something "not right" before you even saw the papers in the bathroom. I don't need any more of the story to think that there is no way he is telling you the truth about the baggies. "It belongs to a friend" is a classic line. Even if you could check out the story with so-called friend (he might suggest this to "prove" the story) the friend would surely lie for him. Even if he deletes all his phone numbers, he's got them stored elsewhere. Even if you have access to his cell phone records, he'll use another phone.
My guess is that he doesn't seem high to you because he's using just to maintain. Is his other behavior out of whack? Maybe this isn't a deal-breaker; you can be with someone who is doing that. But, he is lying to you, in order to continue using. And it's progressive. Heroin is a TOUGH drug to stay off of. He needs assistance.
Many, if not most, of the others here on S/R will not agree with me, but. If you have another conversation with him about this, and you feel as though you need "proof" because he might be lying to you, spring the drug test on him. Do not let him know you might do this, do not let him pee in private and do not let him stall saying he can't go right now. (maybe wait til it's been a few hours?) If he throws a fit, I say you've got your proof. If he really wants to clear his name, he will feel this is demeaning, but he will understand why you are suspicious, and want to get himself right with you.
I know I came across as a know-it-all, but based on what you said, I'm just that sure.
Best to you,
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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I agree with a lot of what you said coffee drinker. I know what my gut reaction is at this point. I just have a hard time letting go of something when there hasn't been a serious problem. Well the biggest problem is my worrying and looking for things. It's very hard.
I actually told him yesterday I wanted him to get a drug test this morning, but then I couldn't find a place and it was late so I said he could get it tomorrow. Does that mean he can do something to make it look like he's clean?
I actually told him yesterday I wanted him to get a drug test this morning, but then I couldn't find a place and it was late so I said he could get it tomorrow. Does that mean he can do something to make it look like he's clean?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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I don't know that much about tricking the tests, but I just know there are ways - of course using someone else's urine, and then there are drugs you can take that alter the results, plus just drinking a ton of water to dilute. Do not give him any kind of a heads-up. If he wants to keep you and he's a good liar, he'll be ready - perhaps not use for a day or two (but after that he'll prob go into withdrawals)
At this point, if this is what your plan is, I'd back off on the test thing and just wait a few days or a week. Then if you still are getting those uneasy feelings, spring the thing on him. You can buy a 12-panel test at any drugstore. They are easy to read.
Stay in touch with us, k?
At this point, if this is what your plan is, I'd back off on the test thing and just wait a few days or a week. Then if you still are getting those uneasy feelings, spring the thing on him. You can buy a 12-panel test at any drugstore. They are easy to read.
Stay in touch with us, k?
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Oh I know you're dealing with the feelings of betrayal. That emotion in an of itself, can distract you from thinking clearly. When I first read this post, I was wondering if you thought he was tearing open syringe packages in the bathroom. If you felt that he'd really been "clean" since June 2009, considering the sleeping pills, pain pills and alcohol. Do you feel that you have a secure definition of "serious relapse". Please keep posting and know that we are here for you. Sadly, you have bold in your face evidence of heroin in the residence. Is this acceptable to you? I hope you find the inner strength to implement some self preservation, it's going to be a bumpy ride. ((hugs))
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I think he's snorting it. And he does tend to make a loud snorting sound in the bathroom, but he also blows his nose...
I just know in my gut that I should break up with him, walk away. It's the rational thing to do and if i had a friend in my position I'd tell her to do so.
But I can't imagine not being able to share things with him, we have always had the most incredible connection mentally and personally. this is our chance to be together and I really care for him- he says he'll do all these things and we can do it together.
But if I walk away I dont know how to let go when theere's a possibility of things working
I just know in my gut that I should break up with him, walk away. It's the rational thing to do and if i had a friend in my position I'd tell her to do so.
But I can't imagine not being able to share things with him, we have always had the most incredible connection mentally and personally. this is our chance to be together and I really care for him- he says he'll do all these things and we can do it together.
But if I walk away I dont know how to let go when theere's a possibility of things working
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Heroin/pills/pot/alcohol....it is all changing seats on the Titanic. I hope you are in Naranon, for like somebody said you are in for a real bumpy ride. You will hear alot of experience, strenth, and hope here. We have been there, done that, have the t-shirt in four colors. I thought my love could save my XAH. I got sicker than he was. There are ways to beat drug tests and they know how. My X was tested by a probation officer and was using but passed every single time. The addicts know how to trick the tests . My relationship ended up like police/parent/child instead of marriage partners. I read on SR...let go or be dragged. I was being dragged. I couldn't do it. I turned it over. I let go. It was too scary and sad for me. The quacking got too loud. I stayed angry because I was not getting my white picket fence. He was my drug I had to quit. I miss him but don't miss the chaos and crazies.
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I just know in my gut that I should break up with him, walk away. It's the rational thing to do and if i had a friend in my position I'd tell her to do so.
But I can't imagine not being able to share things with him, we have always had the most incredible connection mentally and personally. this is our chance to be together and I really care for him- he says he'll do all these things and we can do it together.
But I can't imagine not being able to share things with him, we have always had the most incredible connection mentally and personally. this is our chance to be together and I really care for him- he says he'll do all these things and we can do it together.
We cannot compete with addiction.
For me. I wasn't willing to come second to drugs. I wasn't willing to waste my life waiting for someone to decide he was ready to quit using (risking that he may never decide to quit using and even if he did, there are no guarantees he would be successful at it.)
I had to figure out what was wrong with me that I was so dysfuntional that I actually considered being in a relationship with a person who cared more about drugs and partying than me and his son. That was wrong. That I didn't love myself enough to put myself first in a relationship.
Once I put the focus on me and my illness - my codependence - my desperation to be with a sick man - I started to get better. I grew as a person. I found my own recovery.
My ex (my son's father)? As far as I know, he's still doing drugs and drifting down a path of self destruction. He's still living the "high" life. He hasn't changed. THANK GOD I don't have a front row seat anymore. Watching someone CHOOSE to kill themself and not being able to do anything about it is a horrible experience. Not one I would wish on anyone. It's not love. It's torture.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
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Rachel. I totally feel your pain. My now exABF did the same thing in the bathroom loud snort followed by blowing his nose or vice versa I dont remember the order. I would say he is using. My abf lied to me repeatedly until I backed him into a corner. The only good thing right now is we are not together. YES IT IS HARD AND I AM NOT PERFECT. But not having me he is focusing on his recovery. I was a distraction.
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