they always say you marry your father
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
they always say you marry your father
I'm not getting married, but you see my point.
I'm usually on the ACOA pages, but my dad is doing great. Or maybe he isn't and I'm just not obsessed with his recovery anymore, thanks to Alanon. Who knows, don't really care at this point.
Kind of void of emotion right now. I've been staring at the posts here for another 24 hours, like I did when I first started and needed help with my dad's problems. Trying to take what I need from everyone's ideas. Unfortunately I am at a crossroad, where I think I know exactly what I should do, but can't bring myself to do it, and am getting down on myself for not doing it. Trying to convince myself that it is in a HP's hands, and if I let him handle it he will show me what I need to do for myself, feels like an excuse to not do anything yet. Like I'm supposed to be waiting for a sign or something. Feels like procrastination to me.
I keep looking on these pages for some stories of success with a RABF but I'm not seeing any. That sucks. The man I am seriously head over heels for has had a few episodes, drunken rants, and has admitted that he needs help. Started reading the big book, blah blah, all the stuff we all say on here, he wants help, is sorry, etc. Whether I believe him or not is my own problem.
I have been with alot of men that have problems. Addicted to pot, drinking, whatever. I have always had absolutely NO PROBLEM when they mess up, or their addiction comes to a head, in leaving. Dropping them like a bad habit. Very secure in my decision making, no question in my mind that I could do better; almost thankful for the 'sign' that we were not supposed to be together.
With him, i've never felt so connected with someone. We are the same damn person, with the exception that I can drink two or three beers and stop, and he can't. Other than that tiny (haha) detail, we are cut from the same cloth. I have never felt this way about anyone I have shared myself with. I truly believe we were supposed to find each other, and 99% of the time we are nothing but exstatically happy.
But all I see on here is you can't have a relationship with someone who is starting recovery. To the point where it seems that me trying to continue a relationship with him is actually detrimental to his recovery, and unfair to him. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Sacrafice my happiness for him, the idea that "it's better for you in the long run baby if we don't see each other anymore" I'm not God, who am I to say that is the case? I am in my own recovery from being a ACOA, and loving my progress, really happy I found Alanon. Am I supposed to just sit around and wait for a sign from a higher power, a sign of god's will for me? (that's essentially what I am doing, one day at a time)
I'm not worried about "if I end the relationship he'll drink more" or anything like that. I don't want to end the relationship because I am selfish, and I love him. But I know the disease will only get worse if untreated (so to speak) and want to be supportive in his quest for recovery. But a part of me thinks that I should just get out now, and start the horrible process of mourning the first relationship I actually had faith in, that I was with the person I was meant to be with. Seriously, how do you walk away from that?
I'm usually on the ACOA pages, but my dad is doing great. Or maybe he isn't and I'm just not obsessed with his recovery anymore, thanks to Alanon. Who knows, don't really care at this point.
Kind of void of emotion right now. I've been staring at the posts here for another 24 hours, like I did when I first started and needed help with my dad's problems. Trying to take what I need from everyone's ideas. Unfortunately I am at a crossroad, where I think I know exactly what I should do, but can't bring myself to do it, and am getting down on myself for not doing it. Trying to convince myself that it is in a HP's hands, and if I let him handle it he will show me what I need to do for myself, feels like an excuse to not do anything yet. Like I'm supposed to be waiting for a sign or something. Feels like procrastination to me.
I keep looking on these pages for some stories of success with a RABF but I'm not seeing any. That sucks. The man I am seriously head over heels for has had a few episodes, drunken rants, and has admitted that he needs help. Started reading the big book, blah blah, all the stuff we all say on here, he wants help, is sorry, etc. Whether I believe him or not is my own problem.
I have been with alot of men that have problems. Addicted to pot, drinking, whatever. I have always had absolutely NO PROBLEM when they mess up, or their addiction comes to a head, in leaving. Dropping them like a bad habit. Very secure in my decision making, no question in my mind that I could do better; almost thankful for the 'sign' that we were not supposed to be together.
With him, i've never felt so connected with someone. We are the same damn person, with the exception that I can drink two or three beers and stop, and he can't. Other than that tiny (haha) detail, we are cut from the same cloth. I have never felt this way about anyone I have shared myself with. I truly believe we were supposed to find each other, and 99% of the time we are nothing but exstatically happy.
But all I see on here is you can't have a relationship with someone who is starting recovery. To the point where it seems that me trying to continue a relationship with him is actually detrimental to his recovery, and unfair to him. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Sacrafice my happiness for him, the idea that "it's better for you in the long run baby if we don't see each other anymore" I'm not God, who am I to say that is the case? I am in my own recovery from being a ACOA, and loving my progress, really happy I found Alanon. Am I supposed to just sit around and wait for a sign from a higher power, a sign of god's will for me? (that's essentially what I am doing, one day at a time)
I'm not worried about "if I end the relationship he'll drink more" or anything like that. I don't want to end the relationship because I am selfish, and I love him. But I know the disease will only get worse if untreated (so to speak) and want to be supportive in his quest for recovery. But a part of me thinks that I should just get out now, and start the horrible process of mourning the first relationship I actually had faith in, that I was with the person I was meant to be with. Seriously, how do you walk away from that?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Wow. I don't know.
Like you said, you're not God, and you don't get to make him enter recovery.
I don't know why you can't date him while you work on YOUR recovery through Al-anon. It seems to me that this wouldn't be a policy decision so much as a "let's see what happens" while you continue to put yourself first.
Are you asking whether you should break up with him because he is an alcoholic? Like break up with him right this minute? Like not go away with him for the weekend or see him tonight for dinner? I don't think you have to make those decisions right now.
I would not:
buy a house with him
marry him
become pregnant
go into business together
combine your bank accounts
But if you don't want to break up with him, you don't have to. Just don't deceive yourself that love conquers all or any other such nonsense.
(jmo)
Like you said, you're not God, and you don't get to make him enter recovery.
I don't know why you can't date him while you work on YOUR recovery through Al-anon. It seems to me that this wouldn't be a policy decision so much as a "let's see what happens" while you continue to put yourself first.
Are you asking whether you should break up with him because he is an alcoholic? Like break up with him right this minute? Like not go away with him for the weekend or see him tonight for dinner? I don't think you have to make those decisions right now.
I would not:
buy a house with him
marry him
become pregnant
go into business together
combine your bank accounts
But if you don't want to break up with him, you don't have to. Just don't deceive yourself that love conquers all or any other such nonsense.
(jmo)
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You refer to him as RABF. Is he recovering from being addicted to alcohol? or is he still drinking?
Some couples in recovery are able to support each other while keeping to their side of the street.
Some couples in recovery are able to support each other while keeping to their side of the street.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 12
Have you considered that maybe people with success stories don't really come here? I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have had success in recovery or with a loved one in recovery. Those people are less likely to be on a board like this than the people who haven't had success.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by kittykitty 
With him, i've never felt so connected with someone. We are the same damn person
Originally Posted by kittykitty
Seriously, how do you walk away from that?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wow KittyKitty, YOU AND I are cut from the same cloth too!!! I could have written most of your post, at certain points in my life.
I have said these same exact words (over and over) about two different people in my life. It is just so COMFORTABLE, isn't it? We could finish eachother's sentences. With the first person, I didn't even have to speak when I wanted to say certain things to him. All I had to do was hum the words and he somehow KNEW what I was saying to him. It was BIZARRE. This kind of thing just reinforced my beliefs that I was MEANT TO BE with the person. I mean, these were SIGNS, weren't they?
At a certain point in each of the "relationships," I had to recognize and accept that each of these two people happened to be the most MESSED UP people I had ever known. So what did that say about me if I had already acknowledged that we were cut from the same cloth? I could not just nevermind the fact that "he's a severe alcoholic" or "he's a crack addict." That would have been to continue in my denial. The alcoholism and crack addiction are merely SYMPTOMS of the larger messed-up-edness ("messed-up-edness" is a VERY technical term I invented LOL). I had to accept that just because I did not have the exact same diseases in the exact same severity or stages, did not mean that I was not just as messed up as they were. So I had to force myself to look at ME through them.
Facing yourself like this, to the point where you accept that you are just as messed up as the most messed up people you know, is painful at first, yes, but once you slap yourself in the face with it, cry about it, and tell someone, it's over and you're ready to do the work you need to do on yourself.
I had to stop pointing my finger, stop TALKING about just HOW messed up THEY are, and start looking at and admitting just how messed up I was. I had to stop judging (Although, I had USED judgment to get away from the first one; it worked. That was 12 years ago. God returned me to my lesson again last year to show me how my judging others (addicts and alcoholics) in order to protect myself from them was hurting me.).
I also have learned that the more talking, complaining, bitching, moaning and crying about THEM, the greater my denial about ME.
Also, in order to detach from each of them emotionally, I had to stop with my magical thinking, that is, I had to stop thinking we were "meant to be together," that we were "soulmates," that we were "cut from the same cloth," that our coming together was destiny or fate, and that God brought us together and that God would decide whether or not we belonged together. I had to find the strength and the courage to OWN that decision myself; to take fully responsibility for who and what I allowed into my life. It was hard. It was so hard that in the beginning (when I first got into Recovery) I actually couldn't do it and used my two-year old niece as a gauge: If she cried around him, it meant he was no good for me. If she didn't cry around him, it meant he was okay. Of course it didn't work because one day she was OK around him, and the next day she wasn't. She never gave me a consistent "reading." Talk about clueless and irresponsible, letting probably what was the wetness of a toddler's diaper determine whether or not a person should be in my life! Funny now but pitiful, huh?
Accept what you see in him, in yourself. Face it, learn about it, and conquer it (whatever "it" is for you). This is how we grow.
Yes, if that is the way you have to look at it, in order to get away from an unhealthy situation. You can do it any way you decide. The important thing is to learn about YOURSELF and find true happiness from within. Whomever you are with, you are still YOU.
No one else is going to decide whether or not you should stay with this guy. That is YOUR responsibility. Stop leaving your one precious life up to fate and magical thinking. God has much bigger things to worry about than who each of us decides to be in a romantic relationship with. We are not the center of the universe.
If you are truly happy 99% of the time with this guy, then it sounds like you have the answer to your question of whether or not to stay with him. Whether or not he is working on his own Recovery is really inconsequential. The question for you is, how good is the relationship between you, and if he does not get and stay sober, how long do you want to live with a person whose life, behavior, smell, appearance, and self-care are going to progressively DEGRADE to the point where he is sitting in the house all day, not coming home at night, possibly abusing the children, stinking, nasty, smelling, diarrhea-on-the-toilet and YOU are doing ALL the work, paying all the bills, taking care of the kids, can't trust him, and going crazy with all the berating, confusion, drama, etc? (See all the other posts about what alcoholics do at varying stages of the disease).
No. Absolutely not. This is NOT what taking it one day at a time means.
Well, the first time I had to do it, it took me about a year and a half to do it, I think. I walked away very slowly, much of the time screaming and crying and hysterical, feeling that I would die without him, trying to figure out a way to make it work. Some of the time in meetings. Some of the time at the therapist office. Some of the time on medication. Some of the time at the library. And a lot of the time READING books and learning about all kinds of things that might explain me, my family of origin, my emotions, my pain and my suffering.
You can do this. I know because I did it. And I would not change one moment of it for the ENTIRE world.
After a While
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
With him, i've never felt so connected with someone. We are the same damn person...we are cut from the same cloth. I have never felt this way about anyone I have shared myself with. I truly believe we were supposed to find each other, and 99% of the time we are nothing but exstatically happy.
At a certain point in each of the "relationships," I had to recognize and accept that each of these two people happened to be the most MESSED UP people I had ever known. So what did that say about me if I had already acknowledged that we were cut from the same cloth? I could not just nevermind the fact that "he's a severe alcoholic" or "he's a crack addict." That would have been to continue in my denial. The alcoholism and crack addiction are merely SYMPTOMS of the larger messed-up-edness ("messed-up-edness" is a VERY technical term I invented LOL). I had to accept that just because I did not have the exact same diseases in the exact same severity or stages, did not mean that I was not just as messed up as they were. So I had to force myself to look at ME through them.
Facing yourself like this, to the point where you accept that you are just as messed up as the most messed up people you know, is painful at first, yes, but once you slap yourself in the face with it, cry about it, and tell someone, it's over and you're ready to do the work you need to do on yourself.
I had to stop pointing my finger, stop TALKING about just HOW messed up THEY are, and start looking at and admitting just how messed up I was. I had to stop judging (Although, I had USED judgment to get away from the first one; it worked. That was 12 years ago. God returned me to my lesson again last year to show me how my judging others (addicts and alcoholics) in order to protect myself from them was hurting me.).
I also have learned that the more talking, complaining, bitching, moaning and crying about THEM, the greater my denial about ME.
Also, in order to detach from each of them emotionally, I had to stop with my magical thinking, that is, I had to stop thinking we were "meant to be together," that we were "soulmates," that we were "cut from the same cloth," that our coming together was destiny or fate, and that God brought us together and that God would decide whether or not we belonged together. I had to find the strength and the courage to OWN that decision myself; to take fully responsibility for who and what I allowed into my life. It was hard. It was so hard that in the beginning (when I first got into Recovery) I actually couldn't do it and used my two-year old niece as a gauge: If she cried around him, it meant he was no good for me. If she didn't cry around him, it meant he was okay. Of course it didn't work because one day she was OK around him, and the next day she wasn't. She never gave me a consistent "reading." Talk about clueless and irresponsible, letting probably what was the wetness of a toddler's diaper determine whether or not a person should be in my life! Funny now but pitiful, huh?
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
Sacrafice my happiness for him, the idea that "it's better for you in the long run baby if we don't see each other anymore"
I'm not God, who am I to say that is the case?
If you are truly happy 99% of the time with this guy, then it sounds like you have the answer to your question of whether or not to stay with him. Whether or not he is working on his own Recovery is really inconsequential. The question for you is, how good is the relationship between you, and if he does not get and stay sober, how long do you want to live with a person whose life, behavior, smell, appearance, and self-care are going to progressively DEGRADE to the point where he is sitting in the house all day, not coming home at night, possibly abusing the children, stinking, nasty, smelling, diarrhea-on-the-toilet and YOU are doing ALL the work, paying all the bills, taking care of the kids, can't trust him, and going crazy with all the berating, confusion, drama, etc? (See all the other posts about what alcoholics do at varying stages of the disease).
Am I supposed to just sit around and wait for a sign from a higher power, a sign of god's will for me?
Seriously, how do you walk away from that?
You can do this. I know because I did it. And I would not change one moment of it for the ENTIRE world.
After a While
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Thanks to everyone for your responses. And honestly, I already know what I am going to do, and right now that is absolutely nothing. It's just still so important to me (acoa) to see what other people think. I don't need to decide my entire future right now, or tomorrow, or the next day. I will not do any of the things you mentioned, Stella. I am not in a hurry to do any of those things with anyone right now.
But I also know that I'm not going to wait around months for him to start taking care of himself. I know that if he doesn't try and address his addictions, I will not stay around. I will not let him jeapordize my recovery, my progress, my happiness. I have read story after story on here, of people who have been begging their spouses or boyfriends to change, or go to AA for years, all while sitting by and watching it not happen. I know for a fact I won't be doing that. If any of you realize that I am, you have my permission to steal my car and run me over with it.
I don't want to even hint at that ultimatum, "if you don't quit drinking I will leave". Another lesson from my recovery, there are MANY ways to try and get someone to do something YOU think they should do, none of which are healthy or okay to do. I don't want him to do it for me. I don't mind being his inspiration for wanting to be a better person, but I don't want to be the reason. Does that make sense? After our last conflict, I simply stated that I will not stay in a relationship where my partner repeatedly drinks and starts fights with me. Period. I didn't say anything about drinking too much, or being an alcoholic. Just that drinking too much and fighting are not in my game plan. If that continues I will end it. I guess in some warped way I feel better stating it that way, because he can respond in so many ways. Maybe he will think he can just drink less. Or not drink when I am around. If he truly doesn't want to stop drinking, he'll think of a way around it. As of now, he has started reading the big book online, and wants to come with me tonight (we have Alanon in one room, AA in the other) and go to his first meeting. If he thinks of a way around it, then I have my answer. If he truly surrenders, then I'm going to be as supportive as possible, without losing focus on myself and my own recovery. Trying not to have any expectations here is really hard.
I would like to think that as long as he makes an effort, a true and genuine effort, I will support him. I also know it is wrong to impose my ideas of what is right and wrong (as far as HIS recovery is concerned) on him, or anyone else for that matter. But I would like to think that I will know whether or not he is truly trying, or half-assing it. I know I will be able to tell, it's just a matter of not making excuses for him if he doesn't end up doing it.
But I also know that I'm not going to wait around months for him to start taking care of himself. I know that if he doesn't try and address his addictions, I will not stay around. I will not let him jeapordize my recovery, my progress, my happiness. I have read story after story on here, of people who have been begging their spouses or boyfriends to change, or go to AA for years, all while sitting by and watching it not happen. I know for a fact I won't be doing that. If any of you realize that I am, you have my permission to steal my car and run me over with it.
I don't want to even hint at that ultimatum, "if you don't quit drinking I will leave". Another lesson from my recovery, there are MANY ways to try and get someone to do something YOU think they should do, none of which are healthy or okay to do. I don't want him to do it for me. I don't mind being his inspiration for wanting to be a better person, but I don't want to be the reason. Does that make sense? After our last conflict, I simply stated that I will not stay in a relationship where my partner repeatedly drinks and starts fights with me. Period. I didn't say anything about drinking too much, or being an alcoholic. Just that drinking too much and fighting are not in my game plan. If that continues I will end it. I guess in some warped way I feel better stating it that way, because he can respond in so many ways. Maybe he will think he can just drink less. Or not drink when I am around. If he truly doesn't want to stop drinking, he'll think of a way around it. As of now, he has started reading the big book online, and wants to come with me tonight (we have Alanon in one room, AA in the other) and go to his first meeting. If he thinks of a way around it, then I have my answer. If he truly surrenders, then I'm going to be as supportive as possible, without losing focus on myself and my own recovery. Trying not to have any expectations here is really hard.
I would like to think that as long as he makes an effort, a true and genuine effort, I will support him. I also know it is wrong to impose my ideas of what is right and wrong (as far as HIS recovery is concerned) on him, or anyone else for that matter. But I would like to think that I will know whether or not he is truly trying, or half-assing it. I know I will be able to tell, it's just a matter of not making excuses for him if he doesn't end up doing it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
