Tough Love
Tough Love
This is my first post, sorry it is so long but had to let it out....
We met when we were seventeen the summer of 1978, he is my first love and we married in 1985. He always drank even when we were seventeen (I had no clue about what an alcoholic was and did not know it was a disease). To me things were normal; he was in a band and always on the dean’s list in college. Life was going to be good I thought. He was so good and loving to me and at the same time the bad boy that drank, cheated and lied and sometimes did drugs, I loved him so much so each time I threatened to leave he would beg me to stay he couldn’t live without me and I couldn’t live without him, this was a constant thing he would never change his bad boy way (if he were physically abusive it would have been easier to leave).
1991 I am now 30, we had our first son and like a good father he even rocked our colic baby to sleep. I was so involved with the baby I didn’t realize my husband was on crack, I thought he was just drinking more. How is it possible that someone with his addictions can do normal things like cook, cut grass etc. and be a husband at the same time do drugs and alcohol? All this and he was still the bad boy that stayed out all night with the guys and cheated, lied and drank too much.
In 1992 money was getting scarce he was going thru my inheritance until the vice president of the bank a friend called me and wanted to meet me at the park to talk to me about something, when we met she told me he was writing checks to a known drug dealer, thousands of dollars and she was covering them because I had the money in the bank ,I was busy with our new baby and he was beating me to the post office so I did not know what was going on (she put a hold on any mail from the bank and I had to pick it up there). I was angry and he promised to stop but began writing checks on his dads account and bad checks were everywhere in this small town even sticking on the wall where everyone to see in this one store to show the employees to not take anymore checks from him. It was now jail time or go for help, he chose help and I promised to stick by him and life was good, he went to AA and I went to Al-anon.
He was still sober when we had our second son in 1993 and life was beautiful, he did not lie cheat or steal money from us. In 1994 the demons came calling and with a vengeance (he stayed sober just two years). I threatened to leave but couldn’t, I couldn’t take his children away and he loved us so much. He still worked at his parents business but he was spending more than he was making on his addictions. I don’t know which hurt me worse the cheating or the alcohol. Still I could not leave my first love and became more and more depressed and twice I was hospitalized. How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time? This cycle never ended and many times we had no money for groceries, birthday’s or Christmas.
In 2003 I am now 42, I visited a girlfriend and her husband in another state and they encouraged me to apply for a job and I could stay with them until I got a place. I did not tell my AH what I was doing and I did apply for the job and when I was hired this is when I told him I was leaving and when he quit drinking I would come back, I just knew this “Tough Love” would work, after all he loved us so much. I stayed with my friends six weeks and got an apartment for me and my sons. My boys were now in the 5th and 6th grade and to make the transition easy we still had holidays with their dad. I was still using “Tough Love” with their dad so when he did come up to stay with us during holidays we were not intimate( I knew if I gave in to him I would go back home).
The whole time we were gone he begged us to come home but at the same time he had women at the house that once was mine, even when the boys went to visit he had women over. The whole time we have been gone his drinking got worse, he slurred every time we talked to him. His lights and phone were being cut out and house payments were not being paid, he never helped me with the boys he said he didn’t have any money. My hopes were he would soon hit rock bottom and need his family back, after all he missed us so much he would say. I did not date while we were separated, I would never want to hurt him. After all his cheating and drinking I loved him too much and couldn’t move on, he was also very jealous and if I did not answer the phone he would call the boys on their cell phones to see where I was . This whole time I kept thinking a light bulb would go off and he would realize how much he needed us and give up the women and booze. I missed him so much but stuck by the “Tough Love".
June 2007 I divorced him because I wanted to buy a house and couldn’t being married because his credit was too bad, plus I needed child support.
In 2009 April, I am now 48, he begins to date a principle at a public school, she promises to help him with his bills and get him a job because now he is hardly working, the house is about to go into foreclosure, he is losing everything and I am upset because I want him to hit rock bottom and go into rehab she gives him money and wants him to marry her and I am very hurt that he would choose to marry her over having the family he swore he loves so much, she buys a house and they are going to move in together when she finds out he is calling other women and kicks him out it is now January 18 and I am so happy she kicked him out, now maybe he will see. The house is now in foreclosure, he will soon be homeless and have to go into rehab and we will be back together. He looks so sick even the boys think their dad will die soon but I will save him, he will beg us back and I will tell him I will take him back when he gets out of rehab. He knows he has to go to rehab before I will take him back.
January 28, 2010(I will be 49 next month) just about two weeks after the Principal almost rescued him from losing everything he called to tell me he is getting married Friday the 29th to a another lady that makes a very good living and he told me I would now get my child support on time (he had a warrant out for his arrest for unpaid child support) he also told me he loves me and always will. I waited seven years for him to hit rock bottom, and now this woman saved him, a smart business woman, why would she want a man like this? He has always been a charmer but you would think smart women would catch on, you would think a light bulb would go off and they would see that he’s losing his house and owes back child support and now he wants to get married.. If I did not know him all those years and just met him I would not even let myself go on one date with him. I wanted to rescue him, and yes I am hurt and still love him. Why can’t I just move on? Why couldn’t he see how much I loved him or even if he couldn’t see that why couldn’t he at least love the boy’s enough to pay child support, teach them how to fish, drive all the things dad’s are suppose to do. Why didn’t he just tell me he didn’t love me instead of giving me hope? My oldest son is graduating this year and does not want his dad at his graduation and I can’t blame him. His dad sometimes wouldn’t even call on birthdays and just this Christmas he wrote them a check and then told them not to cash it, he had no money in the bank. How can I even love him? Al-anon was good for me but it taught me it is a disease, I just want to save him. I just want to give up but can’t even though he married, what if he needs me? Will he treat her better because she has money to save him from being homeless and from being put in jail? I am falling to pieces, why do I need his love?
We met when we were seventeen the summer of 1978, he is my first love and we married in 1985. He always drank even when we were seventeen (I had no clue about what an alcoholic was and did not know it was a disease). To me things were normal; he was in a band and always on the dean’s list in college. Life was going to be good I thought. He was so good and loving to me and at the same time the bad boy that drank, cheated and lied and sometimes did drugs, I loved him so much so each time I threatened to leave he would beg me to stay he couldn’t live without me and I couldn’t live without him, this was a constant thing he would never change his bad boy way (if he were physically abusive it would have been easier to leave).
1991 I am now 30, we had our first son and like a good father he even rocked our colic baby to sleep. I was so involved with the baby I didn’t realize my husband was on crack, I thought he was just drinking more. How is it possible that someone with his addictions can do normal things like cook, cut grass etc. and be a husband at the same time do drugs and alcohol? All this and he was still the bad boy that stayed out all night with the guys and cheated, lied and drank too much.
In 1992 money was getting scarce he was going thru my inheritance until the vice president of the bank a friend called me and wanted to meet me at the park to talk to me about something, when we met she told me he was writing checks to a known drug dealer, thousands of dollars and she was covering them because I had the money in the bank ,I was busy with our new baby and he was beating me to the post office so I did not know what was going on (she put a hold on any mail from the bank and I had to pick it up there). I was angry and he promised to stop but began writing checks on his dads account and bad checks were everywhere in this small town even sticking on the wall where everyone to see in this one store to show the employees to not take anymore checks from him. It was now jail time or go for help, he chose help and I promised to stick by him and life was good, he went to AA and I went to Al-anon.
He was still sober when we had our second son in 1993 and life was beautiful, he did not lie cheat or steal money from us. In 1994 the demons came calling and with a vengeance (he stayed sober just two years). I threatened to leave but couldn’t, I couldn’t take his children away and he loved us so much. He still worked at his parents business but he was spending more than he was making on his addictions. I don’t know which hurt me worse the cheating or the alcohol. Still I could not leave my first love and became more and more depressed and twice I was hospitalized. How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time? This cycle never ended and many times we had no money for groceries, birthday’s or Christmas.
In 2003 I am now 42, I visited a girlfriend and her husband in another state and they encouraged me to apply for a job and I could stay with them until I got a place. I did not tell my AH what I was doing and I did apply for the job and when I was hired this is when I told him I was leaving and when he quit drinking I would come back, I just knew this “Tough Love” would work, after all he loved us so much. I stayed with my friends six weeks and got an apartment for me and my sons. My boys were now in the 5th and 6th grade and to make the transition easy we still had holidays with their dad. I was still using “Tough Love” with their dad so when he did come up to stay with us during holidays we were not intimate( I knew if I gave in to him I would go back home).
The whole time we were gone he begged us to come home but at the same time he had women at the house that once was mine, even when the boys went to visit he had women over. The whole time we have been gone his drinking got worse, he slurred every time we talked to him. His lights and phone were being cut out and house payments were not being paid, he never helped me with the boys he said he didn’t have any money. My hopes were he would soon hit rock bottom and need his family back, after all he missed us so much he would say. I did not date while we were separated, I would never want to hurt him. After all his cheating and drinking I loved him too much and couldn’t move on, he was also very jealous and if I did not answer the phone he would call the boys on their cell phones to see where I was . This whole time I kept thinking a light bulb would go off and he would realize how much he needed us and give up the women and booze. I missed him so much but stuck by the “Tough Love".
June 2007 I divorced him because I wanted to buy a house and couldn’t being married because his credit was too bad, plus I needed child support.
In 2009 April, I am now 48, he begins to date a principle at a public school, she promises to help him with his bills and get him a job because now he is hardly working, the house is about to go into foreclosure, he is losing everything and I am upset because I want him to hit rock bottom and go into rehab she gives him money and wants him to marry her and I am very hurt that he would choose to marry her over having the family he swore he loves so much, she buys a house and they are going to move in together when she finds out he is calling other women and kicks him out it is now January 18 and I am so happy she kicked him out, now maybe he will see. The house is now in foreclosure, he will soon be homeless and have to go into rehab and we will be back together. He looks so sick even the boys think their dad will die soon but I will save him, he will beg us back and I will tell him I will take him back when he gets out of rehab. He knows he has to go to rehab before I will take him back.
January 28, 2010(I will be 49 next month) just about two weeks after the Principal almost rescued him from losing everything he called to tell me he is getting married Friday the 29th to a another lady that makes a very good living and he told me I would now get my child support on time (he had a warrant out for his arrest for unpaid child support) he also told me he loves me and always will. I waited seven years for him to hit rock bottom, and now this woman saved him, a smart business woman, why would she want a man like this? He has always been a charmer but you would think smart women would catch on, you would think a light bulb would go off and they would see that he’s losing his house and owes back child support and now he wants to get married.. If I did not know him all those years and just met him I would not even let myself go on one date with him. I wanted to rescue him, and yes I am hurt and still love him. Why can’t I just move on? Why couldn’t he see how much I loved him or even if he couldn’t see that why couldn’t he at least love the boy’s enough to pay child support, teach them how to fish, drive all the things dad’s are suppose to do. Why didn’t he just tell me he didn’t love me instead of giving me hope? My oldest son is graduating this year and does not want his dad at his graduation and I can’t blame him. His dad sometimes wouldn’t even call on birthdays and just this Christmas he wrote them a check and then told them not to cash it, he had no money in the bank. How can I even love him? Al-anon was good for me but it taught me it is a disease, I just want to save him. I just want to give up but can’t even though he married, what if he needs me? Will he treat her better because she has money to save him from being homeless and from being put in jail? I am falling to pieces, why do I need his love?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
(((oh hugs)))sweetie! This is so sad, and I am so sorry that you are still so entwined with that weasel after all these years of waiting for him to get it!
Please keep reading here. We are all here for you!
Please keep reading here. We are all here for you!
I am afraid to say I was the rescuing woman to my A. He was married twice and owed child support and had drunk away most of his money.
I had NO IDEA what I was getting into when I started dating him. The story only came out slowly. Thank goodness I didn't marry him. I did "lend" him a substantial amount of money which I doubt I will ever see again.
Don't worry that he will suddenly change now he is with the other woman. He is just going to hurt her the way he hurt you.
Alcoholism is the pits.
Spinner
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 39
I am so sorry for your pain. It is amazing that we love someone who hurts us. I think we stay in love with what once was or what we wish could be. I think who he is , is what made you leave....hard but wise.
I am learning to find comfort in the fact that I didn't cause his addiction and I can't fix it. I think if love and wanting could fix them we would have such a different site to post on.
I admire your strength in leaving. I wish you well. Congrats to you son!
I am learning to find comfort in the fact that I didn't cause his addiction and I can't fix it. I think if love and wanting could fix them we would have such a different site to post on.
I admire your strength in leaving. I wish you well. Congrats to you son!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Ma'am,
Have you considered counseling?
That man is someone else's husband now. Your boys are old enough for him to communicate with them directly. I am going to suggest that is would be far easier for you to go on with your life, healthier and happier rather than clinging to a hope that sounds false, by not talking with him any longer.
You have been heartbroken and kept your self lonely of dating, fun, and companionship for years (it sounds like). He hasn't waited for you in any form.
There are no prizes for suffering like this.
Do you still attend al-anon?
It sounds like you could use the program and the support and friendships.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, truly so. I thought about skipping your thread because it challenges me to speak out about some of the things you brought up and they are such hard things to deal with.
I dated for several years a popular, fun, witty, bad guy.
He drank and cheated too.
It was the hardest relationship to free myself from. It totally tore me up...being in it and getting out of it, even tho' pushed!
Please make yourself at home here...try reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
There is so much strength, experience and hope amongst the SR folks and you are definitely not alone.
Have you considered counseling?
That man is someone else's husband now. Your boys are old enough for him to communicate with them directly. I am going to suggest that is would be far easier for you to go on with your life, healthier and happier rather than clinging to a hope that sounds false, by not talking with him any longer.
You have been heartbroken and kept your self lonely of dating, fun, and companionship for years (it sounds like). He hasn't waited for you in any form.
There are no prizes for suffering like this.
Do you still attend al-anon?
It sounds like you could use the program and the support and friendships.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, truly so. I thought about skipping your thread because it challenges me to speak out about some of the things you brought up and they are such hard things to deal with.
I dated for several years a popular, fun, witty, bad guy.
He drank and cheated too.
It was the hardest relationship to free myself from. It totally tore me up...being in it and getting out of it, even tho' pushed!
Please make yourself at home here...try reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
There is so much strength, experience and hope amongst the SR folks and you are definitely not alone.
Please don't imagine for 1 second that this liar, cheat and conman will turn into Prince Charming for his "latest" enabler, because that is what she is to him.
He may say and do the right things, may even look like it is all fine and dandy, BUT, and it won't be that long either, he will toss his goody image aside and it will be "hello" from the man he has always been. (since 1978)
I hope you and your children can make a good and hassle free life, without this man doing his best to wreck it for you as he easily may do.
God bless
He may say and do the right things, may even look like it is all fine and dandy, BUT, and it won't be that long either, he will toss his goody image aside and it will be "hello" from the man he has always been. (since 1978)
I hope you and your children can make a good and hassle free life, without this man doing his best to wreck it for you as he easily may do.
God bless
How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time?
He can say he loves you all he likes but his behaviour is not loving...but enought about him.
What about you?
What are you doing to make the most of your life now?
Thank you so much stella27.. I found this sight when I googled "does an alcoholic ever really love you". I feel God sent me here because it has given me strength and an understanding. I think it is so hard to let go because he is my first love.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
(((letgo)))
I feel you. I really do.
Whether he loves you or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Whether you love him or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Love is a wondrous thing, and very important. But what trumps love is respect.
What I mean is, this man doesn't treat you with respect. You know that. You see that. You talk about it.
He may love the heck out of you or not, but he does not treat you with respect.
For myself, I want to be loved (and love) SO MUCH, I will do a lot or accept a lot to get it. I can get stuck that the love I NEED comes from HIM and HIM ONLY. Then, I'm stuck on the merry go round, because I can't get him to be the way I want or act the way I want, and thus I am eternally unsatisfied.
I have had to work to see that my #1 job is to love myself. As Sark (a wonderful author you can google) says, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
If you do, you will have love always - your own.
I have to remind myself, "I can't ever be bereft of love if I love me. I can't ever be abandoned, if I don't abandon myself. I can always be understood and validated if I understand and validate myself. I don't need anyone else to do that to be okay."
You say you have realized through Alanon that you want to save him (hooray for that realization!). They way out, is to (as Bernadette - on this board- says) Put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror.
Meaning, each time you catch yourself spinning in circles around him, him, him, pull it back to you.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you not want?
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you making friends? Going out on the town? Taking time for self care with baths or hikes or nap days or aerobics or healthy food or yoga or whatever you need/want?
Are you learning?
o you have a wish list or a bucket list of things you want to do or learn or places to go before you die? If not, why not make one? If so, why not pick on to do!
Are you doing therapy?
Are you going to Alanon or Codependency Meetings?
Are you doing the 12 steps?
Are you journaling?
Are you surrounding yourself with people you admire that love and encourage you?
Are you having fun?
Are you appreciating life's gifts?
Are you appreciating YOUR gifts?
Are you loving yourself? Being gentle with yourself?
What is the life/lifestyle you want? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
Who is the person you want to be? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
You are worthy of love and respect. Your inability to let go of a man that doesn't treat you with love and respect is a message that you don't yet believe that you deserve it AT ALL COSTS. You do. Tell yourself every day. Write it down. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Embroider it on your pillows! Write it in butter on your toast.
I am worthy of love and respect and will accept no less in my life.
Hugs,
wife
I feel you. I really do.
Whether he loves you or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Whether you love him or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Love is a wondrous thing, and very important. But what trumps love is respect.
What I mean is, this man doesn't treat you with respect. You know that. You see that. You talk about it.
He may love the heck out of you or not, but he does not treat you with respect.
For myself, I want to be loved (and love) SO MUCH, I will do a lot or accept a lot to get it. I can get stuck that the love I NEED comes from HIM and HIM ONLY. Then, I'm stuck on the merry go round, because I can't get him to be the way I want or act the way I want, and thus I am eternally unsatisfied.
I have had to work to see that my #1 job is to love myself. As Sark (a wonderful author you can google) says, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
If you do, you will have love always - your own.
I have to remind myself, "I can't ever be bereft of love if I love me. I can't ever be abandoned, if I don't abandon myself. I can always be understood and validated if I understand and validate myself. I don't need anyone else to do that to be okay."
You say you have realized through Alanon that you want to save him (hooray for that realization!). They way out, is to (as Bernadette - on this board- says) Put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror.
Meaning, each time you catch yourself spinning in circles around him, him, him, pull it back to you.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you not want?
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you making friends? Going out on the town? Taking time for self care with baths or hikes or nap days or aerobics or healthy food or yoga or whatever you need/want?
Are you learning?
o you have a wish list or a bucket list of things you want to do or learn or places to go before you die? If not, why not make one? If so, why not pick on to do!
Are you doing therapy?
Are you going to Alanon or Codependency Meetings?
Are you doing the 12 steps?
Are you journaling?
Are you surrounding yourself with people you admire that love and encourage you?
Are you having fun?
Are you appreciating life's gifts?
Are you appreciating YOUR gifts?
Are you loving yourself? Being gentle with yourself?
What is the life/lifestyle you want? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
Who is the person you want to be? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
You are worthy of love and respect. Your inability to let go of a man that doesn't treat you with love and respect is a message that you don't yet believe that you deserve it AT ALL COSTS. You do. Tell yourself every day. Write it down. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Embroider it on your pillows! Write it in butter on your toast.
I am worthy of love and respect and will accept no less in my life.
Hugs,
wife
This really struck a chord with me tonight. I just don't know how they can rationalize loving us and hurting us at the same time.
I am afraid to say I was the rescuing woman to my A. He was married twice and owed child support and had drunk away most of his money.
I had NO IDEA what I was getting into when I started dating him. The story only came out slowly. Thank goodness I didn't marry him. I did "lend" him a substantial amount of money which I doubt I will ever see again.
Don't worry that he will suddenly change now he is with the other woman. He is just going to hurt her the way he hurt you.
Alcoholism is the pits.
Spinner
I am afraid to say I was the rescuing woman to my A. He was married twice and owed child support and had drunk away most of his money.
I had NO IDEA what I was getting into when I started dating him. The story only came out slowly. Thank goodness I didn't marry him. I did "lend" him a substantial amount of money which I doubt I will ever see again.
Don't worry that he will suddenly change now he is with the other woman. He is just going to hurt her the way he hurt you.
Alcoholism is the pits.
Spinner
letgoofmyheart
Ma'am,
Have you considered counseling?
That man is someone else's husband now. Your boys are old enough for him to communicate with them directly. I am going to suggest that is would be far easier for you to go on with your life, healthier and happier rather than clinging to a hope that sounds false, by not talking with him any longer.
You have been heartbroken and kept your self lonely of dating, fun, and companionship for years (it sounds like). He hasn't waited for you in any form.
There are no prizes for suffering like this.
Do you still attend al-anon?
It sounds like you could use the program and the support and friendships.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, truly so. I thought about skipping your thread because it challenges me to speak out about some of the things you brought up and they are such hard things to deal with.
I dated for several years a popular, fun, witty, bad guy.
He drank and cheated too.
It was the hardest relationship to free myself from. It totally tore me up...being in it and getting out of it, even tho' pushed!
Please make yourself at home here...try reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
There is so much strength, experience and hope amongst the SR folks and you are definitely not alone.
Have you considered counseling?
That man is someone else's husband now. Your boys are old enough for him to communicate with them directly. I am going to suggest that is would be far easier for you to go on with your life, healthier and happier rather than clinging to a hope that sounds false, by not talking with him any longer.
You have been heartbroken and kept your self lonely of dating, fun, and companionship for years (it sounds like). He hasn't waited for you in any form.
There are no prizes for suffering like this.
Do you still attend al-anon?
It sounds like you could use the program and the support and friendships.
I am sorry if I sound harsh, truly so. I thought about skipping your thread because it challenges me to speak out about some of the things you brought up and they are such hard things to deal with.
I dated for several years a popular, fun, witty, bad guy.
He drank and cheated too.
It was the hardest relationship to free myself from. It totally tore me up...being in it and getting out of it, even tho' pushed!
Please make yourself at home here...try reading the stickies at the top of this forum.
There is so much strength, experience and hope amongst the SR folks and you are definitely not alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
That takes guts to step out of old habits!
I was, indeed, worried. You said you had been hospitalized twice. I was also hospitalized for depression that was very much related to failed relationship and etc.
It will be so much better for you to cling to your dignity and self-respect rather than allow him to talk to you like the "other woman"!
Knowing all the details just adds to the confusion and hurt anyway.
I am glad you are protecting yourself.
hugs,
live
I was, indeed, worried. You said you had been hospitalized twice. I was also hospitalized for depression that was very much related to failed relationship and etc.
It will be so much better for you to cling to your dignity and self-respect rather than allow him to talk to you like the "other woman"!
Knowing all the details just adds to the confusion and hurt anyway.
I am glad you are protecting yourself.
hugs,
live
Hi Letgoofmyheart--
This jumped out at me too:
How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time?
I have struggled w/ this question in the past too. The only answer I came up with is that what I mistook for "love" it isn't love. Someone can "say" they love me all they want, and charm the pants off of me, but "love" is an action, a behavior, and it does not include cheating, lying, stealing, disrupting children's lives, irresponsibility, etc., etc.
I found I had to ask myself the same question -- If I love myself, why do I hurt myself at the same time?
Because I didn't really love myself. If I did I would have acted lovingly towards myself and made better, tougher decisions about who I chose to give my heart to. Because if I love myself with all my heart then I will recognize that true repsectful deep love when I see it in action around me.
I am glad I at least loved myself enough to ask for and accept help through AlAnon and therapy! I love myself a whole 100% more now, and I forgive myself and my past mistakes (it took a while but it did happen!!) and I see each day as new and free.
I am so very glad you are here! Stick around!
peace-
b
This jumped out at me too:
How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time?
I have struggled w/ this question in the past too. The only answer I came up with is that what I mistook for "love" it isn't love. Someone can "say" they love me all they want, and charm the pants off of me, but "love" is an action, a behavior, and it does not include cheating, lying, stealing, disrupting children's lives, irresponsibility, etc., etc.
I found I had to ask myself the same question -- If I love myself, why do I hurt myself at the same time?
Because I didn't really love myself. If I did I would have acted lovingly towards myself and made better, tougher decisions about who I chose to give my heart to. Because if I love myself with all my heart then I will recognize that true repsectful deep love when I see it in action around me.
I am glad I at least loved myself enough to ask for and accept help through AlAnon and therapy! I love myself a whole 100% more now, and I forgive myself and my past mistakes (it took a while but it did happen!!) and I see each day as new and free.
I am so very glad you are here! Stick around!
peace-
b
(((letgo)))
I feel you. I really do.
Whether he loves you or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Whether you love him or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Love is a wondrous thing, and very important. But what trumps love is respect.
What I mean is, this man doesn't treat you with respect. You know that. You see that. You talk about it.
He may love the heck out of you or not, but he does not treat you with respect.
For myself, I want to be loved (and love) SO MUCH, I will do a lot or accept a lot to get it. I can get stuck that the love I NEED comes from HIM and HIM ONLY. Then, I'm stuck on the merry go round, because I can't get him to be the way I want or act the way I want, and thus I am eternally unsatisfied.
I have had to work to see that my #1 job is to love myself. As Sark (a wonderful author you can google) says, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
If you do, you will have love always - your own.
I have to remind myself, "I can't ever be bereft of love if I love me. I can't ever be abandoned, if I don't abandon myself. I can always be understood and validated if I understand and validate myself. I don't need anyone else to do that to be okay."
You say you have realized through Alanon that you want to save him (hooray for that realization!). They way out, is to (as Bernadette - on this board- says) Put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror.
Meaning, each time you catch yourself spinning in circles around him, him, him, pull it back to you.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you not want?
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you making friends? Going out on the town? Taking time for self care with baths or hikes or nap days or aerobics or healthy food or yoga or whatever you need/want?
Are you learning?
o you have a wish list or a bucket list of things you want to do or learn or places to go before you die? If not, why not make one? If so, why not pick on to do!
Are you doing therapy?
Are you going to Alanon or Codependency Meetings?
Are you doing the 12 steps?
Are you journaling?
Are you surrounding yourself with people you admire that love and encourage you?
Are you having fun?
Are you appreciating life's gifts?
Are you appreciating YOUR gifts?
Are you loving yourself? Being gentle with yourself?
What is the life/lifestyle you want? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
Who is the person you want to be? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
You are worthy of love and respect. Your inability to let go of a man that doesn't treat you with love and respect is a message that you don't yet believe that you deserve it AT ALL COSTS. You do. Tell yourself every day. Write it down. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Embroider it on your pillows! Write it in butter on your toast.
I am worthy of love and respect and will accept no less in my life.
Hugs,
wife
I feel you. I really do.
Whether he loves you or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Whether you love him or not, unfortunately, is irrelevant.
Love is a wondrous thing, and very important. But what trumps love is respect.
What I mean is, this man doesn't treat you with respect. You know that. You see that. You talk about it.
He may love the heck out of you or not, but he does not treat you with respect.
For myself, I want to be loved (and love) SO MUCH, I will do a lot or accept a lot to get it. I can get stuck that the love I NEED comes from HIM and HIM ONLY. Then, I'm stuck on the merry go round, because I can't get him to be the way I want or act the way I want, and thus I am eternally unsatisfied.
I have had to work to see that my #1 job is to love myself. As Sark (a wonderful author you can google) says, "Promise to marry yourself and never leave you."
If you do, you will have love always - your own.
I have to remind myself, "I can't ever be bereft of love if I love me. I can't ever be abandoned, if I don't abandon myself. I can always be understood and validated if I understand and validate myself. I don't need anyone else to do that to be okay."
You say you have realized through Alanon that you want to save him (hooray for that realization!). They way out, is to (as Bernadette - on this board- says) Put down the magnifying glass and get out the mirror.
Meaning, each time you catch yourself spinning in circles around him, him, him, pull it back to you.
Who are you?
What do you want?
What do you not want?
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you making friends? Going out on the town? Taking time for self care with baths or hikes or nap days or aerobics or healthy food or yoga or whatever you need/want?
Are you learning?
o you have a wish list or a bucket list of things you want to do or learn or places to go before you die? If not, why not make one? If so, why not pick on to do!
Are you doing therapy?
Are you going to Alanon or Codependency Meetings?
Are you doing the 12 steps?
Are you journaling?
Are you surrounding yourself with people you admire that love and encourage you?
Are you having fun?
Are you appreciating life's gifts?
Are you appreciating YOUR gifts?
Are you loving yourself? Being gentle with yourself?
What is the life/lifestyle you want? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
Who is the person you want to be? Can you envision it? Dream it? Create it?
You are worthy of love and respect. Your inability to let go of a man that doesn't treat you with love and respect is a message that you don't yet believe that you deserve it AT ALL COSTS. You do. Tell yourself every day. Write it down. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Embroider it on your pillows! Write it in butter on your toast.
I am worthy of love and respect and will accept no less in my life.
Hugs,
wife
Hi Letgoofmyheart--
This jumped out at me too:
How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time?
I have struggled w/ this question in the past too. The only answer I came up with is that what I mistook for "love" it isn't love. Someone can "say" they love me all they want, and charm the pants off of me, but "love" is an action, a behavior, and it does not include cheating, lying, stealing, disrupting children's lives, irresponsibility, etc., etc.
I found I had to ask myself the same question -- If I love myself, why do I hurt myself at the same time?
Because I didn't really love myself. If I did I would have acted lovingly towards myself and made better, tougher decisions about who I chose to give my heart to. Because if I love myself with all my heart then I will recognize that true repsectful deep love when I see it in action around me.
I am glad I at least loved myself enough to ask for and accept help through AlAnon and therapy! I love myself a whole 100% more now, and I forgive myself and my past mistakes (it took a while but it did happen!!) and I see each day as new and free.
I am so very glad you are here! Stick around!
peace-
b
This jumped out at me too:
How can someone love you so much and hurt you so much at the same time?
I have struggled w/ this question in the past too. The only answer I came up with is that what I mistook for "love" it isn't love. Someone can "say" they love me all they want, and charm the pants off of me, but "love" is an action, a behavior, and it does not include cheating, lying, stealing, disrupting children's lives, irresponsibility, etc., etc.
I found I had to ask myself the same question -- If I love myself, why do I hurt myself at the same time?
Because I didn't really love myself. If I did I would have acted lovingly towards myself and made better, tougher decisions about who I chose to give my heart to. Because if I love myself with all my heart then I will recognize that true repsectful deep love when I see it in action around me.
I am glad I at least loved myself enough to ask for and accept help through AlAnon and therapy! I love myself a whole 100% more now, and I forgive myself and my past mistakes (it took a while but it did happen!!) and I see each day as new and free.
I am so very glad you are here! Stick around!
peace-
b
Hi just offering a sympathetic ear, and good vibes for this tough time. Here I realize I am used to give a lot of power and importance to insects while ignoring the great woman I am. Here I realize, I give a lot of power to the past, to my past, while ignoring the present and the promise of a brighter future. Here I realize I like to live in a fantasy world but what matters, for the ones around me, and for myself..are the ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS... the commitment, the behavior, the day to day stuff, the greater projects one gets involved with. Every message and everything you want to know about yourself and others is right there, crystal clear.. in the actions...
His actions tells me he is a bad person looking to steal money from whoever and incapable of love and honesty.
Your actions tell me you are looking for a change for yourself and got the gift of introspection and sincerity.
Welcome to SR, much healing happens in these threads on a daily basis
His actions tells me he is a bad person looking to steal money from whoever and incapable of love and honesty.
Your actions tell me you are looking for a change for yourself and got the gift of introspection and sincerity.
Welcome to SR, much healing happens in these threads on a daily basis
I am so very sorry that you are hurting so, and searching for understanding. I'm glad you found us here.
You ask how can he love you so much and hurt you so much? Well, I don't know your ex (he may be a sociopath or something) but it is possible. If he is like many of them, he is filled with shame and remorse for what he's done. Unfortunately, not enough that it will change how he behaves. He must have, or may have, been treated very badly as a child.
Listen, you still have 40 or 50 years left on this earth!! That's the good news
You are primed and ready to become the person that - for whatever reason - you haven't quite gotten to yet. I don't know why you still have love for this lout, but I think the reasons are complex. I think the truth is that you have been living a fantasy. But you are ready to give that one up!
Stick with us here. There are A LOT of smart people here :ghug3
You ask how can he love you so much and hurt you so much? Well, I don't know your ex (he may be a sociopath or something) but it is possible. If he is like many of them, he is filled with shame and remorse for what he's done. Unfortunately, not enough that it will change how he behaves. He must have, or may have, been treated very badly as a child.
Listen, you still have 40 or 50 years left on this earth!! That's the good news
You are primed and ready to become the person that - for whatever reason - you haven't quite gotten to yet. I don't know why you still have love for this lout, but I think the reasons are complex. I think the truth is that you have been living a fantasy. But you are ready to give that one up!
Stick with us here. There are A LOT of smart people here :ghug3
letgoofmyheart - you may find this difficult to fathom, but your post has helped me tonight. I haven't seen or talked to my STBXAH since Nov 9th, 2009. He emotionally abused me, and the threat of physical violence is/was very real. The chances of his changing and hitting rock bottom and becoming even half the person I dreamed he was are slim to none. And yet... for some sick, codependent reason, I still cling to hope that he'll go to counseling with me, or "see the light", or realize that, since marriage #3 for him failed, and HE might be the problem, not his 3 ex-wives... and it's never going to happen. Your post has caused me to realize that, no matter how long I wait, or how much I try, nothing... NOTHING... NOTHING I do or say or try or pray for or or or... is going to change the man who is my husband. I'm not saying I didn't realize this before, because I have... many times. Perhaps this will be the one that sticks with me and gives me strength to carry on.
Thank you, letgoofmyheart, for the realization and strength you have given me tonight. You have my hopes and prayers, as others' have said here, that you will see the value and beauty and strength that shines so beautifully in YOU, and truly begin to take care of YOU and live your own life without the deadly weight around your neck of the man you so committed yourself to, who didn't return that valuable gift of self.
Dearest Letgo - it's time to... LET GO... of your XAH.
Hugs... and please keep coming back.
Tigger
Thank you, letgoofmyheart, for the realization and strength you have given me tonight. You have my hopes and prayers, as others' have said here, that you will see the value and beauty and strength that shines so beautifully in YOU, and truly begin to take care of YOU and live your own life without the deadly weight around your neck of the man you so committed yourself to, who didn't return that valuable gift of self.
Dearest Letgo - it's time to... LET GO... of your XAH.
Hugs... and please keep coming back.
Tigger
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)