lostmyway

I was celebrating my fourth wedding anniversary this weekend. We started out at a nice restaurant (we usually go just for the sushi), and for some random reason, I decided it would be okay to have a glass of merlot with my meal. Like I said, it was a celebration, I was away from the kids, I wanted to relax, and I figured, "What will it hurt?" I actually ended up having two glasses. I didn't drink any more that night, didn't even have the desire to.

The next day, we were out snowboarding. We stopped for lunch and, well, there was just this irresistable porter beer on tap...and I had two cups of that. Continued on with my evening snowboarding, went back to the resort, enjoyed the hot tub and sauna, did a crossword puzzle and some reading...again, no urge to continue what I had started.

I am lacking introspection right now, and I don't know why I did this. Was I just testing myself? I knew I wasn't going to get drunk off of two drinks per sitting, and in the past I never bothered to drink unless I had the opportunity to get completely wasted because there didn't seem to be any point.

I guess I have to restart the clock on my sobriety? Anyone ever have an experience similar to this?

least

The only thing I can say is: forgive yourself, learn from it, and move forward again. You messed up, now it's over. I've relapsed too many times to count since deciding to get sober. I always beat myself up over it, but that only adds to my bad feelings about myself and doesn't help my recovery. Forgive yourself and move forward again.

freespirit78

I am afraid I will be in your shoes in two weeks when my bf and I go out of town overnight for a concert. But I am going to be strong...
But I agree too, we can't beat ourselves up

Horselover

I think its that addict voice we all know and hate. Now you've got it all under control Lost. See you drank for 2 nights and you controlled it, didn't you? You must not have a problem. I would say all is well and you can start up again. That's the addict voice and that's what we want to hear. Ah well, back step 1. You can do it. I would reach out for help when your mind starts that stuff on you though.

I think if I were to pick up I too could "control" it for a bit, but sure as rain I would be back to the every nights and more then should be consumed would be consumed in a short period of time. I quit before and had gone awhile and that voice spoke to me and I was off to the races for months after that. This has kept me straight and narrow and hopefully this relapse has taught you something similar. Controlling our drinking is possible but for a short period of time.

freespirit78

Horselover, you have some really good points. I wanted to be a "social" drinker and be able to have one or two which it has been proven that I can do that, but then it seems like once a month some "event" comes up and it's more than one or two....I have decided I just don't want to be apart of that. Mostly it's those events that are revolving around drinking.

Ananda

I definately have those mental spots where I just suddenly pick up a drink i had no intention of drinking....if I slide by that time...i enevidably end up drunk soon after....

but then if you really take a look at this....maybe you can avoid the next temptation, but sorta controled slips make that much harder as my alchoholism has a foot in the door with "proof" I'll be ok...

The point is it's like russian rulete...i don't know which time the bullet is gonna show up

lostmyway

So true.

I feel so ashamed right now. I'm still an alcoholic and I'm not fooling anybody, not even myself.

I just kept looking around the bar at the people who were drinking and I felt immense jealousy. I kept thinking, "Look at all these normal, happy people who can come here and drink and just be happy and go home and live their normal lives."

What ridiculous thinking. Why would I even guess that their lives are any different than mine, or assume that there is such a thing as "normal"?

Anna

Lostmyway, your feelings are perfectly normal because giving up alcohol is a loss and it's frustrating to accept that we are not like other people. I did what you did, and fooled myself into thinking I could manage a couple of drinks and be okay. But, days later, the urge snuck up on me out of the blue and I was back to drinking the whole bottle.

You're being hard on yourself, but understand that your thinking is part of the disease of addiction. Our minds are controlled by the alcohol. Recognize the addict voice, dismiss it, and move on.

north

I haven't relapsed yet - knock on wood - however I have been asked quite a few times by friends and also family why I "simply can't just have 1 or 2 drinks?". So I have been propositioned, but have not crossed that line.

When I was drinking, I did not drink everyday and when I did, I went overboard "only" every 4th or 5th time. Therefore, they have good intentions at heart when they suggest I just "have a few".

However, very much like Ananda indicates, that would be very much like playing Russian Roulette. The first few times would probably be pleasantly deceptive... and then in two or three weeks *Bang!* back to where I started.

The "drunk dreams" that I still get once in a blue moon (e.g. ones where I dream that I am drinking alcohol and at some point realize I've relapsed) also remind me I don't want to go back there.

freespirit78

North, I was much like you. I could give it up all the time or just have one or two a couple of times but then it seems about once a month or so I over do it. It just seems that giving it up for good is the best way. My boyfriend and I have discussed that we enjoy each other's company much more without it. We are going to a concert out of town in two weeks and actually we are excited to experience the show and music sober. This will be the first time for me since probably I was in High School.

freespirit78

And Anna you put it sooooo well, that giving it up is a loss. It's almost like losing a friend in some sense. Even though I didn't drink everyday....it does feel like that because I used it as my friend at parties. I think for awhile I am just going to have to steer clear of events that involve drinking. Which sadly means probably missing out on a good friends birthday party....cuz it's going to be at a bar. I have also read on here how people are jealous of others cuz they seem to have control of it and really we know they may not....some might, I don't want to judge. But I know most of my friends do not have it under control. I was right there with them saying "I don't drink everday...so therefore I don't have a problem...I go to work everday, my job isn't affected by it....etc..." but yet I am seeing more and more lately that there is more to everyone's story...

shaun00

Maybe you thought that returning to drinking......starts with a week of gripping the arm chair and clawing the walls...
maybe having to lock yourself up.

In my experience it didn't happen like that much...........it happened like you explained.

for no apparent reason and with a sack load of reasons why i shouldnt.....
i find myself drinking again.....i didn't set out to drink........in fact i didn't want to drink..
waking up the next day confused and ashamed.

i couldn't bring to mind the horrendous dangers of me and booze or what happens when i mix the 2.........it didn't enter my head...even though previous i was a street bum drunk..

thats why i believe alcoholism centers in the mind........my mind is sick.
i have no mental defense against the first drink.
i have a physical allergy.....once i drink i cant stop.
and a mental obsession that tells me i can drink.....if only i can get on top of it.
no matter how bad it gets ...within a short time of not drinking i cant seem to summon those horrific consequences with enough force to stop me doing it again.....thats insane right.
round and round i go.......

someone helping me in AA said "you need a power greater than you because you got none around booze"....
Dr silkworth wrote "in nearly all cases their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves,If they are to re-create their lives.

i found that power through working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous..
not overnight......but once i recreated my own perception....a loving god..

just my experience.

bbr

I did a similar thing about 2 years ago. I had quit entirely for 3 months, and I was feeling really good about it. Inspite of that (feeling good) I thought I had it beat and that I could try drinking again, in moderation. I was successful, for the most part, in drinking a little now and then for several months. Then, after about 4 months of "experimenting" I began to slide back to my old ways... as bad or worse than before. This time, I'm not going to fool myself into thinking I can handle it. Not going to go there.

mfreetofly

I have been in this situation more times than I care to think about. It's always been my problem. I have a weak moment at a party or an event and that voice comes in saying "You can quit anytime, you've proven that. Just go ahead and enjoy yourself for awhile." I start to feel like maybe I could be just an occasional drinker. So I allow myself to drink again the next night, just a couple, because I'm in control. But then every time it slips right back into every night drinking of 3-4 glasses of wine within a week and I'm right back to where I was. What's important for you right now. Is to recognize that this was a test by your addictive mind. If you get right back onto the sobriety path, than you passed the test and you should feel good about it. If you continue to drink, just because you slipped, than you're letting that addictive voice win. I hope someone repeats this to me down the road when it happens to me. :-)

keithj

What's the worst thing that can happen to an alcoholic who has 'a slip' with a drink or two? Gets drunk? Fight with the girl? Jail?

Nope. The worst consequence for a real alkie who has 'a slip' is nothing. Nothing happens and you get away with it. And then somewhere, someday, all hell breaks loose. You never recover because in the back of your mind you have a reservation that you can somehow drink safely.

Philly

Wow this is why I love this site. There is so much wisdom here. It seems like you had a little slip and I'm not sure what led you to quit. I will say you are very early in sobriety and I think you should be careful. You say you are an alcoholic (which I have still not been able to convince myself even though I was drinking like one). I have listened to those who came before me and if you are one it is like waking a sleeping giant. I am over 18 months and still feel like I am early in sobriety. But by now I am so afraid of what if I am that I am not willing to test the waters. I do have dreams of drinking even now and if I wasn't an alcoholic would that happen? My hope is to never find out if I am or not. I try to assume that I may be so why risk feeding that giant.
I do know that I crossed some kind of line while drinking and the only sure way I can never get drunk again is to never even drink one. Good luck in trying to figure this out.

Saddler

I just came back to SR today after being away for a few months (sober). But, these last few weeks have seen slip after slip. It started with sharing a bottle of wine w/ my wife at dinner before Christmas, thought I could get away with it because I had "proven myself". That night went OK, so I thought I could drink on NYE - and got really drunk though I believe I hid it from others well. Then we knew we were going to get snowed in, so I made a quick trip to the liquor store so "my wife" would have something to drink - but *I* ended up getting drunk. Latest slip was super bowl night, and it is getting worse every time. I felt like death yesterday, but made it to work.

I don't want to start down this road again. I do realize I need to put the breaks on. "Two drinks" for me is NEVER enough, it seems.

lostmyway

Wow...there are some great responses here. Anna is right...I am beating myself up very badly about this. It helps to know, however, that I'm not the only one this has ever happened to.

I have had two different sponsors during my time in AA and neither has gotten in to step work with me. The one I have now is just telling me to read the Big Book from cover to cover.

Question: I bought the step book today and want to start working on it. Can I start this on my own, write down my thoughts and share them with my sponsor, or does my sponsor have to guide me through it?

CAPTAINZING2000

Drinking is an obsession to my mind and an allergy to my body. I can't entertain the thought of trying to have just a drink or two. I'm an alcoholic. I can't give any promises what will happen after I drink. I've tried and failed to many times of just having one or two drinks.

After years of being sober, I have more to lose now then, I did in the past.

serenityqueen

ONE IS TOO MANY & A THOUSAND IS NEVER ENOUGH

What does this mean to each one of you?

Just think about it.

God Bless,
Judy