Kind_Not_Weak

Six months ago a guy I grew up with got back in touch with me on Facebook. I had just moved across country, and it was an exciting time for me. We ended up talking on the phone, and in that first conversation, he told me that he loved me, that he had always loved me, and that he couldn't let another day go by without telling me. What if the next time I moved, he couldn't find me? He'd been married, in the military, traveled the world, and said he'd thought of me every day. Needless to say, I was shocked. We were buddies since we were six and when I moved away, we lost touch. Fast forward 20 years and here we are. We talked and talked and talked. And I loved him, too. It was wonderful... for a little bit. Then he disappeared for a couple of weeks. I was crushed... but was slowing moving on when the phone rang.

He confessed that he was an alcoholic and had gone on a scary bender and had spent the last week in AA meetings all the time. I admit, I was not surprised. There were some late night conversations that made me wonder... he's not the first alcoholic in my life. But I didn't say anything... I didn't want to ruin the moment. This is his second try at sobriety, the first one he admits he never really worked the program and it lasted a little more than a year.

I told him that I would stick by him as long as he was working the program and if he was honest with me. This last six months has been complicated and difficult... but I love him and I want to stick with him. I've flown back east to see him twice, both times have been (not unexpectedly) awkward and uneasy. But we talked about it... didn't have sex, just tried out being around each other. It was weird, but it was really nice, too.

A couple of weeks ago, I get this crazy phone call from him and I realize quickly that he's at a breaking point. I'd seen it coming, but there was nothing I could do except support him and hope. Apparently, his sponsor has told him that there is no room right now in his recovery for a relationship... for me. So, I've been cut off with virtually no explanation. We've spoken very briefly, a couple of emails, but nothing really. For perspective, we had talked about the future... me moving to be closer to him... marriage one day... all that stuff. To go from that to nothing... I don't know how to feel about all this. But I do know that it hurts my heart.

All my friends tell me to bail... but I can't.

Would I rather him be sober or in a relationship with me? I want both. We were planning on both. It made us both happy... but now nothing? I feel lost and like a sucker and angry and sad and like I got conned.

Is it too much for me to expect an explanation, even a bad one? I know it's not about me... I do realize that. But for someone to be in love with me just a few weeks ago to complete nothing now, it's just too much.

I am so sad.

bookwyrm

klm, welcome. We have a few 'double winners' on the forum who may be around later to tell you how it is 'from the other side'. I just wanted to ask a couple of things. It took you 20 years to get together - does it matter if it takes 21? What's the big rush? If it was meant to be then it is meant to be. Give him some space to embrace recovery - he has a hard time ahead of him from what I've read. Saying no to a relationship right now doesn't mean you can't pick it up a year later. And it will give YOU time to see if he truly is sober.

Yes it hurts now, but better that it hurts now after 6 months and he gets a chance to be sober than you marry someone who is still an active alcoholic. I was and it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Take some time to read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum. There is a lot of wisdom in them. Keep coming back and keep posting!

Slag

You are dealing with a person who is fighting for his life. You are also competing with a disease that is like a jealous lover.

You may be fortunate in that you have before you the biggest question of any relationship. What lengths are you willing to go to to maintain the bond?

Perhaps Alanon would be of help.

Please give yourself a break do not feel stupid, but, do realize this is the road to be traveled.

GiveLove

klm, it is not stupid to explore a relationship to see if it is going to work for you. We all come with a set of goals and dreams for our lives, and trying out relationships is one way to see who fits those dreams and who doesn't.

Try to keep the focus on your own life as he focuses on his own recovery. Try to focus on the things you wanted for yourself BEFORE he waltzed back into your life. What do you want to be and do? What are your dreams? What is the bigger picture for you?

I once became so enmeshed in the promises and romance dealt to me by an alcoholic that I lost myself - and ended up feeling much like you do right now, but for years. I finally got out of it by turning my attention back to building my own happy life, allowing him to make his own choices.

I'm glad you're here. There are good people here who can help you understand all of this. Al-Anon meetings (for friends & family) were really helpful to me too.

Cut yourself some slack. You are doing the best you can right now.

Hugs,
GL

Learn2Live

klm,

The kind of abandonment of which you speak is typical in relationships that involve alcoholism, and addiction in general. Although it is understandable, believing you are stupid because someone else has acted dishonorably is neither healthy nor rational. If you would like to take steps toward the more healthy, rational decision, please go to Al-Anon. You may also want to read the Stickies at the top of the forum page.
Also, read as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism, and read the posts here on SR, so that you can put your situation into better perspective.

And especially so that you can see that his reason for abandoning you like this has nothing to do with YOU.

You should know that there is nothing bad or wrong or unworthy about you just because this guy beat down your door, proclaimed his love and desire, and then disappeared. This has happened to me in one form or another many times, in many different relationships, with several different alcoholic and/or drug addicted people. Their behavior is sick, but me and my worth had nothing to do with it, and neither did you or your worth have anything to do with this guy leaving like you describe.

I know it is difficult, I know you are hurt and lonely, but try to see that he has actually done you a FAVOR. Time for you to turn your head away from him and face yourself.

Kind_Not_Weak

Thank you all for your kind words and insight. I feel much better and far less alone because of you right now. I think I just needed to take that step back and realize that this is the situation at hand and remember now is not forever. I do need to refocus on what is important to me, what makes me happy, what I want out of life and move forward. I do hope and pray that he is able to find his way through this, but I have to accept that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do to help him. This is his to do alone. In the meantime, all I can do is live and live well.

Loving him does not make me a bad person or a sucker. But loving him more than I love myself is just another form of self destruction.

Again, thank you.