Dealing with a brake up from a sober person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Dealing with a brake up from a sober person.
I just recently got dumped by my boyfriend who has been sober for almost 10 years. The breakup was kind of a shock to me and I am having a hard time dealing with it. We started talking in June of last year and became official back in September. He was married and recently divorced and I was going through a divorce as well. We had reconnected after 9 years from an online site and we just hit it off. Everything was going great and I thought that I finally found the person that I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. I have two children from my previous marriage and he was so good with my children. They just adored him. We just spent all of the holidays with each others families, talked about our future together, and even had talks about marriage. I thought that things were going great. I supported his sobriety by giving up alcohol, going and watching him chair, and understanding his need to attend meetings on a daily basis. He had not found a job since moving back from NC and I know that it was starting to get to him. I didn't mind that he was not working because he treated me right and I knew he was doing everything he could to find one. About 10 days ago he broke up with me and told me that he didn't like the person that he had become and told me that he needed to focus on himself. I was very upset by this but at the same time I knew that something was wrong because he had been acting strange lately. He was so positive and happy when I first reconnected with him and lately he just seemed so upset. Since he broke up with me he has total shut me out of his life and has made no contact with me since. I have called him, left him text messages, and have even emailed him and I have not received anything back from him. Why would he do this to me? I did everything for him, I loved him and supported him, (not financially but, emotionally), and was open and honest with him about everything and this is how he treats me? I started reading literature on Alcoholics and some of the behaviors that they display, but I am having such a hard time dealing with this so I decided to get some advice. The scary thing is, is that I don't think he will ever talk to me again. Please give me some advice. I am trying to find some closure.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good Morning Map and Welcome to SR.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Ending relationships is difficult. It can feel like a death and in a way it is the death of the relationship. Please give yourself time to grieve and mourn what might have been.
I don't have answers about why your boyfriend chose to end your relationship. It may be that your relationship was too soon after his divorce and he needed more time to discover himself as an individual. It may be because the sky is blue.
As painful as it is, the best thing you can do now is take care of yourself and your children. By respecting his request for no contact and beginning your journey of healing, you are controlling the only part of the relationship that you have power over - yourself.
We're here to support you.
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Ending relationships is difficult. It can feel like a death and in a way it is the death of the relationship. Please give yourself time to grieve and mourn what might have been.
I don't have answers about why your boyfriend chose to end your relationship. It may be that your relationship was too soon after his divorce and he needed more time to discover himself as an individual. It may be because the sky is blue.
As painful as it is, the best thing you can do now is take care of yourself and your children. By respecting his request for no contact and beginning your journey of healing, you are controlling the only part of the relationship that you have power over - yourself.
We're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...my boyfriend who has been sober for almost 10 years...his need to attend meetings on a daily basis...About 10 days ago he broke up with me..."
Whoa nellie, consider yourself lucky. 10 years sober and still 'needs' daily meetings.....? Well, perhaps, if meetings is all he's doing, and not working any kind of program.....
.....but, like I said.....consider yourself lucky, and move on.
NoelleR
Whoa nellie, consider yourself lucky. 10 years sober and still 'needs' daily meetings.....? Well, perhaps, if meetings is all he's doing, and not working any kind of program.....
.....but, like I said.....consider yourself lucky, and move on.
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I know that it's painful. I imagine that you don't know what to say to your children - and that they are hurting, too. I guess you should just keep telling yourself that the break-up has more to do with HIM and what he can handle right now than it has to do with you.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 4
Thank you for all of your support! It has made me feel a little better. I guess I just need to stay focused on my children and my career for now and keep moving forward.
I have to say that I feel like I don't even know who I was just with for the last 6 months and that scares me. I don't even know if he was even being truthful with me. I thought that he genuinely cared and loved me, but know I don't even know if he really did. Does anyone think that he will ever make amends with me?
I have to say that I feel like I don't even know who I was just with for the last 6 months and that scares me. I don't even know if he was even being truthful with me. I thought that he genuinely cared and loved me, but know I don't even know if he really did. Does anyone think that he will ever make amends with me?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 4,038
Dear map,
Listen to what the man said to you. He is taking time out for himself. No foul there. As an alcoholic/addict myself I know that there have been times when I focused on something outside myself when I really needed that time for myself. Recovery is a LIFETIME process and I do whatever I need to each day to keep the disease at bay. It has been suggested that you turn your focus back to yourself and your children, that seems like a good idea. As for making amends to you....no one can know what he is going to do..whether he does or doesn't, you still have to do what is best for you. Wishing you brighter days ahead.
Listen to what the man said to you. He is taking time out for himself. No foul there. As an alcoholic/addict myself I know that there have been times when I focused on something outside myself when I really needed that time for myself. Recovery is a LIFETIME process and I do whatever I need to each day to keep the disease at bay. It has been suggested that you turn your focus back to yourself and your children, that seems like a good idea. As for making amends to you....no one can know what he is going to do..whether he does or doesn't, you still have to do what is best for you. Wishing you brighter days ahead.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
"Does anyone think that he will ever make amends with me? "
I don't think that is a question that anyone can really answer. By asking it are you possibly looking for some shred of hope that someone will say "yes, he will!"..?? It seems you are looking for a reason to hold on. Which is totally understandable. But not healthy.
Gosh, breakups suck! Plain and simple just suck. I also lost myself completely over the past year. And now i'm finally getting myself back....actually, becoming even better I think. It hasn't been easy.
I too would wonder...."will he ever contact me again???" NOW, I don't really ask that question any longer. Because honestly, it doesn't matter. If he contacts me fine, if he doesn't contact me fine. I have NO CONTROL over what HE does. But I do have control over myself. As do you.
Give yourself however much time you need to grieve over the loss of your relationship. Everyone grief process really depends on them, and you should take as long as you need until you get it out of your system.
I've said it on here before, and I will say it again, if you feel like crying...CRY. The best thing I have learned to do is allow myself to feel the feelings I feel when I feel them. And after many many good cries, I feel better. Certainly never thought I would when I was balling my eyes out....but really the pain starts to fade, you don't cry as much, and you don't analyze questions over and over again that you may not ever get an answer to.
I hope you start to feel better. Take care of you!
I don't think that is a question that anyone can really answer. By asking it are you possibly looking for some shred of hope that someone will say "yes, he will!"..?? It seems you are looking for a reason to hold on. Which is totally understandable. But not healthy.
Gosh, breakups suck! Plain and simple just suck. I also lost myself completely over the past year. And now i'm finally getting myself back....actually, becoming even better I think. It hasn't been easy.
I too would wonder...."will he ever contact me again???" NOW, I don't really ask that question any longer. Because honestly, it doesn't matter. If he contacts me fine, if he doesn't contact me fine. I have NO CONTROL over what HE does. But I do have control over myself. As do you.
Give yourself however much time you need to grieve over the loss of your relationship. Everyone grief process really depends on them, and you should take as long as you need until you get it out of your system.
I've said it on here before, and I will say it again, if you feel like crying...CRY. The best thing I have learned to do is allow myself to feel the feelings I feel when I feel them. And after many many good cries, I feel better. Certainly never thought I would when I was balling my eyes out....but really the pain starts to fade, you don't cry as much, and you don't analyze questions over and over again that you may not ever get an answer to.
I hope you start to feel better. Take care of you!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by map 
Does anyone think that he will ever make amends with me?
This is the amends step for AA:
Step Number 9
Made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure others.
How and when he chooses to make amends is between him, his sponsor and his higher power.
I'm glad you are shifting your focus to yourself, your career and your children. I hope you are able to find your peace within yourself given time.
(((map))) cyber hugs to you map!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Welcome!
Breakups suck rotten eggs, for sure!
I had a boyfriend once that left me. We were together a year. We had put a down on a house and were going to move in together. I as madly in love and was SURE I would spend the rest of my life with him. 100%. Best relationship in my life. I was SO HAPPY!
The day before the moving truck came, he came downstairs and said, "I don't love you. I don't think I ever did and I need to go."
We sat and talked for a few hours. He didn't understand it. Said I was still his best friend and he didn't want to lose me, etc. etc.
I was DEVASTATED. Shocked. Horrified. Depressed. Confused. Hurting.
It took a long time to recover.
I still don't know what happened. I think he was "at the alter" of moving in and he freaked. Ultimately, he wasn't ready. He couldn't be there for me/with me.
I finally got to a place that I realized I don't want to be with someone that either told me he loved me, but it was a lie, or loved me, but was so afraid he lied and said he didn't.
Mind f**k, anyone?
YUCK-O!
Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was just finding himself. Who know. Who cares. That's not someone that can be there and present for me, so I release him, for my well being.
May you get to that point, as well.
Hugs,
w
Breakups suck rotten eggs, for sure!
I had a boyfriend once that left me. We were together a year. We had put a down on a house and were going to move in together. I as madly in love and was SURE I would spend the rest of my life with him. 100%. Best relationship in my life. I was SO HAPPY!
The day before the moving truck came, he came downstairs and said, "I don't love you. I don't think I ever did and I need to go."
We sat and talked for a few hours. He didn't understand it. Said I was still his best friend and he didn't want to lose me, etc. etc.
I was DEVASTATED. Shocked. Horrified. Depressed. Confused. Hurting.
It took a long time to recover.
I still don't know what happened. I think he was "at the alter" of moving in and he freaked. Ultimately, he wasn't ready. He couldn't be there for me/with me.
I finally got to a place that I realized I don't want to be with someone that either told me he loved me, but it was a lie, or loved me, but was so afraid he lied and said he didn't.
Mind f**k, anyone?
YUCK-O!
Maybe he was scared. Maybe he was just finding himself. Who know. Who cares. That's not someone that can be there and present for me, so I release him, for my well being.
May you get to that point, as well.
Hugs,
w
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
