watsonc

What a complex thing this all is. After 3 months, I was anxiety filled about just how/when I'd drink. Had built it into this beast - and I met it head on. 2 weeks ago, I bought a bottle of wine. Had one glass (tasted awful), then cooked w/most of it, and poured it out. A big sense of relief at that point, because it didn't appeal. The thing I'd feared, just having it hit me as the best thing ever, didn't happen.

So why then did I repeat this experience (with a not-so-dry wine), last Thursday? Of course, this time it tasted better. What is this perversity I have. One glass of Chardonnay, feel my muscles relax, pour another half glass, cook w/a cup, throw the rest away.

What is it? The first relapse was stress & a burning need (methinks) to test the waters; the second one? Boredom? Sunday blahs, stress anticipating the week?

Why can't I just accept that I don't drink. I've come *so* far and don't want to mess with it, so why did I?

Needing to recommit my efforts, my view of who I am/what I'm doing, and check in here more often.
Grrrrrrrrrrr.

Anna

Do whatever you need to do to stay sober.

I used to avoid the wine/beer aisles in the supermarket, because I found it too stressful.

Dee74

watsonc

Both your relapses are because you're an alcoholic IMO. You've been struggling for a while, yeah?

Maybe it's time to reach out - have you thought any more at all about a reecovery programme, or counselling, or something?

D

watsonc

Yes, have thought about those things. AA doesn't seem feasible from where I live/work; I actually work with addiction counselors and former addicts who are therapists themselves, and they're hugely helpful. But as far as a steps approach? Haven't connected with that - inner conflicts and conflicts at home with principles/approaches. I have no excuses. Its my own brain and willpower that have to be tended to.

I keep thinking that the "all or nothing"-ness of it all gets in my way; I want in many aspects of my life to learn how to moderate - work, food, obsessive thoughts, exercise, alcohol - as I think therein lies sanity (a more Buddhist, non-super-sized approach to living).
Confused and not making sense (am sober, by the way..!). Sorry

least

I relapsed too many times after deciding to quit drinking. All I can say is: don't give up! Keep at it until you 'get it right'.

Dee74

I hope I did not come across as harsh

When we drink it's the best sign we have that whatever we've been doing isn't working that well.

I'm not an advocate of any particular approach, but I am a devotee of reaching out, connecting with people and asking for support.

The holistic approach is one I used too - simply white knuckling only focuses on one thing, and it just gets exhausting.

Do whatever you think you need to do to reach acceptance of the fact you don't drink, watsonc.

Good luck!
D

Soph

Hi Watsonc, I totally relate. Try to figure out your triggers! For me, it's definitely hard in the evening, and when I am preparing dinner. I have to have alternative beverages around; juice, soda, sparkling bevs. Also have been eating olives, cheese & crackers, to make me feel slightly like I am, I don't know, "indulgent" or something, without the wine. Then once I've eaten I am better for sure. It's just "cocktail" hour that gets me! So being prepared helps. Good luck - you can do it!!

Ananda

You touched on the tricky part for me....

I sometimes have made the decision to drink and only had a few.....rarely, but it has happened....

My expereince is that being sucessful in controling one little time is just what my mind needs to really get me going....I buy back into "i can control this" and I'm off to the races....for me even if the first control drink and the second where I loose control are months away....it's really one incedint of relapse...

it all lies in the lies my mind tells me (a mind that is quite sharp by the way)....I did ok last time i can do it again, if i drink i won't be bored, the only way i can talk about this is if i have a few drinks, I'm just gonna go all out on a binge for 3 days...I'm off work and other people come back from relapse so i will tooo

the smarter we are, the easier it is for that mind to create tricky yet reasonable sounding excuses.

Thats my expereince Glad you are back and posted about it.

humblestudent

I think this phenomenon, of being sober for some period of time, and then thinking that one or a few drinks are totally manageable, reminds me of another type of circumstance...

A person who has some ailment, could be physical (let's say diabetes) or mental/physical (lets' say depression), starts treatment with medication for the condition. After some time of taking the medication, the person says, "Wow! I feel great! I don't need this crappy medicine anymore! Phooey on it! I'm going to quit taking it and all will be just fine." They stop taking the medicine, and what happens? Their stable state goes right out the window.

I think when a person picks up again, a similar dynamic is happening...i.e., " I haven't drank in a long time, my life is going great, therefore, I can handle alcohol, therefore I will drink it in a controlled way." The missing piece there is that the abstaining from alcohol is what is driving the better life, and the general feeling of being able to manage life in a stable manner. Introducing alcohol back into the mix and "going off of recovery" is just like a person "going off their the meds" - it's bound to lead to bad things - in technicolor.

I take my meds for my physical and mental ailments, even when I feel so much better that I start to wonder if I really need them at all.

I abstain from alcohol, even when I feel so much more in control that I start to wonder if I was ever an alcoholic...

intention

Or is it insanity? How many times have you tried to moderate and not suceeded?

Every single alcohol/addict would like to use their substance/compulsion in moderation. You are no different on this. But how many can?

I hope you find your way to recovery.

Mark75

Well that's kinda the whole point of the steps. Tending to the brain, yea. But mostly to smash this whole willpower idea. Willpower can't always be trusted, because it is our own will. Not only that, it gets exhausting, having to always be on top of it, trying not to, etc... It's white knuckling. No fun, no fun at all.

Peace
Mark

Ananda

I am drawn to the concept of moderation as well...

However, once I accept the physical aspect of alchoholism, and am sure I have it...I accept moderation in alchohol won't work for me. It would be like trying to moderate my use of arsnic or anyother poison.

moderation is an admirable goal...not being extreme...except when it is self distructive...I don't try to moderate my running in front of cars and only do it once a week

But we have to reach our own conclution that moderation won't work...and for some it does...

So, it's something only you will be able to reach a conclusion on, just try not to kill yourself while you figure it out (hug)

Cold

I think the same