I think I am finally clearing the fence...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Boise, Idaho
Posts: 11
I think I am finally clearing the fence...
Ex ABF was given phone visits by state CPS with his 2 1/2 year old daughter a few weeks ago. Though I was anxious about having contact with him, I didn't want her to have to go with a stranger to a stranger's office for a 15 minute phone call from the county jail. So, I agreed to accept the calls with the understanding of EVERYONE involved that there would be no conversation between "us" outside of facilitating communication between him and his daughter and scheduling the next phone call. Well, needless to say, one of us kept our side of the deal....
Each phone call was riddled with questions, jabs, threats and accusations. Everytime he would get started, I would either ignore his comments or redirect the conversation back to his daughter. Most of the calls ended with me biting my tongue and clenching my fists. Who knew 15 minutes could be such a long, LONG time!
That is until last night....I could give a million reasons why I "chose" to engage, but they would only be excuses. Maybe it was Friday after a long week, maybe I was tired of hearing his whining about how it was everyone else's fault that he was in the mess he was in, maybe I had had enough of his threats, maybe I couldn't endure the brainwashing he was trying to administer about what "really happened"...who knows for sure.
The only thing I know is that once the flood gates started to open, the damn burst and there was no going back. I am proud to say that it wasn't an emotional rant and that I was calm and confident. I set up boundaries...no more threats, now more accusations, I reminded him that I too had been on this journey and had the benefit of a clear head....so I would be trusting my memory of what had transpired, I reminded him that we ALL were dealing with the consequences of his choices and at least he had the benefit of making the choices unlike us who were left to deal with things that were completely out of our control. And last, but certainly not least, enough was enough! Nothing mattered more than his daughter and getting her through this. So, he could either put aside his selfish concerns and concetrate on her or stop calling until he could.
Wow....how liberating. I woke up this morning with a refreshed energy, I didn't cringe when the phone rang, I didn't find myself muttering under my breathe when I had 2 seconds to myself and felt a sense of peace for the first time in months. We have many challenges ahead, but I thank the good Lord for giving me the strength and opportunity to start getting my life back. A few weeks back, I didn't know if that was possible. Today, I am walking a little taller, breathing a little easier and seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
Each phone call was riddled with questions, jabs, threats and accusations. Everytime he would get started, I would either ignore his comments or redirect the conversation back to his daughter. Most of the calls ended with me biting my tongue and clenching my fists. Who knew 15 minutes could be such a long, LONG time!
That is until last night....I could give a million reasons why I "chose" to engage, but they would only be excuses. Maybe it was Friday after a long week, maybe I was tired of hearing his whining about how it was everyone else's fault that he was in the mess he was in, maybe I had had enough of his threats, maybe I couldn't endure the brainwashing he was trying to administer about what "really happened"...who knows for sure.
The only thing I know is that once the flood gates started to open, the damn burst and there was no going back. I am proud to say that it wasn't an emotional rant and that I was calm and confident. I set up boundaries...no more threats, now more accusations, I reminded him that I too had been on this journey and had the benefit of a clear head....so I would be trusting my memory of what had transpired, I reminded him that we ALL were dealing with the consequences of his choices and at least he had the benefit of making the choices unlike us who were left to deal with things that were completely out of our control. And last, but certainly not least, enough was enough! Nothing mattered more than his daughter and getting her through this. So, he could either put aside his selfish concerns and concetrate on her or stop calling until he could.
Wow....how liberating. I woke up this morning with a refreshed energy, I didn't cringe when the phone rang, I didn't find myself muttering under my breathe when I had 2 seconds to myself and felt a sense of peace for the first time in months. We have many challenges ahead, but I thank the good Lord for giving me the strength and opportunity to start getting my life back. A few weeks back, I didn't know if that was possible. Today, I am walking a little taller, breathing a little easier and seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
One step at a time, one day at a time it really does get better.
Sometimes we just have to reach that "enough" point before we can follow through with responsible action...you did great, and your daughter is the one who wins in all this.
Hugs
Sometimes we just have to reach that "enough" point before we can follow through with responsible action...you did great, and your daughter is the one who wins in all this.
Hugs
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi...
.
I know how expensive those collect calls from jail can be.
Maybe there is a difference because.....
but I thought I should mention the financial angle
and I'm so faar out of the loop....maybe they
use cells or ??? these days.
All my best to you as you move forward
.I know how expensive those collect calls from jail can be.
Maybe there is a difference because.....
Ex ABF was given phone visits by state CPS with his 2 1/2 year old daughter a few weeks ago
and I'm so faar out of the loop....maybe they
use cells or ??? these days.
All my best to you as you move forward
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wow. I'm glad you set boundaries for yourself.
I have to say that obligatory phone call visitation from jail with a 2 1/2 year old child is the weirdest thing I have ever heard of. Especially for 15 minutes. How do they expect a toddler to function on the phone like that for 15 minutes. Bizzarre.
Idaho must have very different laws. I'm so glad they don't do that here. Sure seems like a huge burden on you - having to provide transportation to and from a state office and sit next to your toddler while she attempts to converse with her jail bird father on the telephone. And then you have to fill in the blanks when she gets distracted.
Very odd.
I have to say that obligatory phone call visitation from jail with a 2 1/2 year old child is the weirdest thing I have ever heard of. Especially for 15 minutes. How do they expect a toddler to function on the phone like that for 15 minutes. Bizzarre.
Idaho must have very different laws. I'm so glad they don't do that here. Sure seems like a huge burden on you - having to provide transportation to and from a state office and sit next to your toddler while she attempts to converse with her jail bird father on the telephone. And then you have to fill in the blanks when she gets distracted.
Very odd.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Boise, Idaho
Posts: 11
Yes, the phone call visitation is a little odd, but I think it allows the state to do what they are required to do (which is faciliate contact), with minimal consequences for my little one. She doesn't have to go to the jail to see him through glass, which is a HUGE blessing!
It does take a lot of effort on my part to keep the conversation going and her engaged, but I try to have a list of things to talk about and songs to sing before the call so that we can just go down the list. I would much rather do it from the comforts of our home than have to sit in an office somewhere.
The calls cost me financially, but overall....the time and gas to get her to the welfare office would probably cost me more. 15 minutes from start to finish of a call from home or an hour plus to commute, wait for the appointment, have the call and come home....it is the lesser of all evils I guess.
They all go to court on Tuesday for their permancy hearing. The judge will decide to either to terminate her parent's rights and allow me to adopt her or put a case plan together for her father to work. The state and my little one's advocate want termination so that she can have the stability she so desperately needs and deserves. Of course, dad is going to fight that, but it is looking more and more like he will not have much choice in the matter. If the judge rules for termination, madatory contact will begin down a brand new path.
It is hard not to worry what Tuesday will bring, but today I feel confident and secure in the boundaries I have put into place. They might even help if the judge rules in her favor, as dad is going to be despondent and beside himself. I will probably need those boundaries to get us all over the hump. Please pray for us!
It does take a lot of effort on my part to keep the conversation going and her engaged, but I try to have a list of things to talk about and songs to sing before the call so that we can just go down the list. I would much rather do it from the comforts of our home than have to sit in an office somewhere.
The calls cost me financially, but overall....the time and gas to get her to the welfare office would probably cost me more. 15 minutes from start to finish of a call from home or an hour plus to commute, wait for the appointment, have the call and come home....it is the lesser of all evils I guess.
They all go to court on Tuesday for their permancy hearing. The judge will decide to either to terminate her parent's rights and allow me to adopt her or put a case plan together for her father to work. The state and my little one's advocate want termination so that she can have the stability she so desperately needs and deserves. Of course, dad is going to fight that, but it is looking more and more like he will not have much choice in the matter. If the judge rules for termination, madatory contact will begin down a brand new path.
It is hard not to worry what Tuesday will bring, but today I feel confident and secure in the boundaries I have put into place. They might even help if the judge rules in her favor, as dad is going to be despondent and beside himself. I will probably need those boundaries to get us all over the hump. Please pray for us!
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