dolce7dolore

It's been awhile since I've been here, maybe because I'm beginning to be able to distance myself from my family and all their problems. That, and I've been busy with my friends and boyfriend.

So my brother is now living with my dad since my mom decided to live by herself. I haven't been calling as much, and she's usually busy if I do anyway. Lately she's been contacting me a lot, telling me she wants to talk. I told her last night that it would have to wait until tomorrow, then later I get a text from her saying she wants to talk at almost 2 am. She's never done that before, hardly ever initiates contact with me, so I know how lonely she is. I'm just not sure what to do. I lost hope long ago and believe she will always continue to self-destruct. In the process, she has lost any support system--family and friends. How much should I be there for her? I'm sure many of you have experience with this... where does helping your AP or just simply talking to them, turn into self-destruct for myself?

Goldberry

I'm not 100% sure what I would do either. My mom is also my qualifier and I try not to call but every week or two and only at certain times of the day. I would probably not talk to her at 2 am unless it's an emergency. Otherwise tell her you will talk to her during the day maybe, see what she wants. She may just be lonely and since everyone else has left her she might be reaching out to you for conversation??? But if she starts to say anything uncomfortable tell her you must go and hang up. Don't get tangled up in any gossip, or problem she has that you can't help with, without $$$ or more involvement that you can't give . Distancing yourself is the best thing for you. I have done this too because I live a few hrs away so I have a good excuse why I can't be at her beck and call. Be careful not to get sucked in to her drama and pray for her. One time after I barely could talk to my mom I got off the phone and just wept. I wept and prayed for her because she was so out of it and my poor dad wasn't sure what to do. I could do nothing for them except try to again tell my dad about alanon and that he needed support. It's heartbreaking sometimes when I see how this disease is is so destructive. I have also tried to make certain boundaries with my mom that she really doesn't know about; like not talking to her for long if she is drunk, not engaging in gossip of any other family member, and no put downs either...It's hard though, i still get sucked into these discussions sometimes. I had a nice talk with her today, superficial, but nice. So I say; Keep it superficial and light. Stay strong if you can. My prays are with you dolce7dolore

dothi

Continue to monitor your boundaries with her, dolce. It becomes self-destructive when the conversations turn into what goldberry has described: soul-sucking, gut-wrenching emotional experiences where no change or productivity results. You are not your mom's best friend - you are her daughter. Alcoholics tend to blur these barriers by not recognizing this - by not recognizing that dumping their emotional baggage on their kids is not part of parenting. There's a big difference between exposing your child to the real world, and then exposing your child to stuff you should really be telling a therapist.

If she is still drinking then she may also be cycling through her list of people she can call and complain to. My mom (codependent, who is really just as mentally ill as my alcoholic dad as she continues to view his behavior as normal and acceptable) does this. When my sister has drawn boundaries with her (e.g. "mom, I don't feel comfortable hearing all this, maybe you should talk to a therapist. if you have nothing positive to talk about then I'm don't really want to talk long, etc.) my mom will switch to me. When I draw boundaries, she'll switch back to my sister. Or she won't call either of us for a while. I guess some days she really struggles with finding something good to talk about that doesn't involve complaining. Either way, in a relationship where carrying that kind of weight is NOT reciprocated, I don't see why I necessarily have to carry her load only because I am biologically related to her.

You can still support healthy changes for your mom (encouraging social activity, solving her own problems, etc.) without necessarily being your mom's sob shoulder.

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She's never done that before, hardly ever initiates contact with me, so I know how lonely she is.

I feel this guilt at times. I remind myself that the behavior of an addict should not be taken personally. She is not mentally healthy. Her behavior is about her - not about how I'm so powerful that I can solve her problems for her. I count my mom as an addict too; she is addicted to the drama-love/hate relationship she has with my dad. So when she calls to complain about how dad is still treating her badly, I treat her like someone who is addicted to an unhealthy relationship. She is not a victim of the addiction; she is suffering the consequences of choosing to remain in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Remember: the loss of her support system (family and friends) is the consequence of her decision to continue drinking. It is not your duty as a "good daughter" to protect her from that.