boo

Last night A sent me an e-mail thanking me for something I had sent to him. He then told me he misses me, and named a whole lot of categories about missing me, including missing my support and missing my friendship. I think I have been supportive as I can be--sending him encouraging e-mails, pics of my new kitten (he loves animals), funny stuff etc. I made it very clear I want to still be his friend (well, I want more but not unless he gets better). I told him what I miss about him, and assured him my support of his recovery will continue and that I am his friend.
Recall this is the same guy who told me to "forget about him" because he might never recover. I then said that I know it must be tempting to hold a pity party for himself at the prospect that he never recovers, but then asked him if that is what he really wants for himself. He was saying all this stuff about the pain of missing me and my friendship and romance stuff will never go away. My question is: why do we have to put each other through not being friends if it is that painful? I don't see it as necessary and obviously it is hurting him, too. He also alluded to that "we" still made the right decision (to break up). I told him that there was no "we" in this decision-that his alcoholism decided it for us. He had 3 weeks sober, relapsed once (that I know of) and now has a week sober.

So, ummmm, please feel free to give feedback. thanks.

Ann

Boo

I'm curious, so don't mind me, but what is it that you want from this relationship? He is an active alcoholic, miles away from you, not sharing in your day to day living, and who says he doesn't want a relationship.

Boo, I'm a lot older than you sweetie, and I can tell you that love is not some E-mails and a 2 week romance. Love is sharing your days and being together and getting to know the other person and deciding if they are healthy for you to be with.

You sound like a very nice young woman who should be out enjoying life and building a future. Your obsession with this man has taken over your whole being, and Boo, that isn't love, it's obsession and it will eat you alive.

It's your life and your choice on how you want to live it, but my guess is that if you gave it a chance you would find someone available who you could date and have fun with.

I say all this with love in my heart. I just see you chasing a dream that will soon turn into a nightmare. Just know I care.

Hugs
Ann

notthistime

I agree with Ann. Why further attach yourself to an A? And to put yourself through this based on spending a few weeks with him. After such a short period of time, one can't even know the other person, so you really dont know what you might be getting yourself into.
It also sounds to me that this A is trying to pull you into his "hell", because he's having one of his "sad" days. And even if he does recover, who is to say that you will still "love" him? He will be a totally different person if that ever happens.
I also agree that you should go out, meet someone else, without all this baggage, and build yourself a better life. It is not easy to live with an A, even when you really love them. Don't put yourself through this.
I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but having been there before, and being there again, I do not wish this to anyone.
Life is too short, enjoy it.

Jon

Hi Boo,

Definitions are very importannt sometimes as words can be powerful. This is one of those times.

First, he is not your "A". He is a guy you met and had a brief fling with before his addiction and other circumstances parted you. An "A" is a spouse, child, partner, or some other committed or substantial relationship.

Most importantly though is the term "relapse." The definition of the word is:

"A return to prior symptoms after a measurable period of recovery."

No one "relapses" after 3 weeks sober. We simply choose to drink or use again. We make a concious decison, despite the possible consequences, that drinking or using is more important than our sobriety, our jobs, our lovers, family and friends.

It is so much easier to use a nice, clean, clinical word like relapse rather than tell the real truth.

The truth is:

"Honey, I stole your checkbook and went downtown and smoked crack."

"Boss, I would rather lie to you and call in sick than not drink."

"My child, I abandoned you and care more about drugs than I do about you."

Truth makes the word "relapse" very appealing, don't you think?

When we are new in recovery us addicts will often reach out to the least healthy around us. Sometimes not purposely, but we do it so that we can still get what we want, when we want it. God forbid we should be uncomfortable-no calls, no smokes, no pictures of our "girlfriends" to show off to others in the same boat-and everytime we do this we lose site. We lose focus of the absolute most important thing: Our Recovery.

Many well-meaning spouses, lovers and friends have enabled addicts and alcoholics right into their graves all in the name of "support".

Recvovery has to be THE most important thing in the addicts lives if we are to have even a slim chance of making it. And even then, the odds are not in our favor.

If you really love him, or cared about him, you will find a way to just let him go. At least for now.