Son of a B#@%!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Son of a B#@%!
Okay, ladies and gents -
I posted the drug test poll. Decided against it for now. As someone suggested the pupil test and I didn't give her post much thought. 'cause I'm pig-headed. Anyway, I did look up the pupil thing on-line. There's something to that.
So, tonite we were in the bathroom and I said, lemme see your eyes, small pupils. Wouldn't call them pinpoint exactly, not quite as small as the reference pictures I've found. Which are probably extreme anyway since reference pictures tend to be.
Anyway, turned off the lights waited a couple-few minutes, turned the lights back on and no difference. No pupil reaction. Three times. My pupils reacted. Asked him if he was on any medication (for his questionable arthritus) he said "yes" pause "Aleve" I said nothing.
Aleve my @ss!
Thank you all for responding to my post(s) I'm just sounding off as it feels as though this is the beginning of a probable long process of letting go.
I posted the drug test poll. Decided against it for now. As someone suggested the pupil test and I didn't give her post much thought. 'cause I'm pig-headed. Anyway, I did look up the pupil thing on-line. There's something to that.
So, tonite we were in the bathroom and I said, lemme see your eyes, small pupils. Wouldn't call them pinpoint exactly, not quite as small as the reference pictures I've found. Which are probably extreme anyway since reference pictures tend to be.
Anyway, turned off the lights waited a couple-few minutes, turned the lights back on and no difference. No pupil reaction. Three times. My pupils reacted. Asked him if he was on any medication (for his questionable arthritus) he said "yes" pause "Aleve" I said nothing.
Aleve my @ss!
Thank you all for responding to my post(s) I'm just sounding off as it feels as though this is the beginning of a probable long process of letting go.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i was just sitting here at computer thinking about and how it's going. so now you know for sure he is using. you have to decide if you can live with that. do you feel that your own sobriety may be in jeopardy?
i am sorry. it really, really sucks.
i am sorry. it really, really sucks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
You are so lucky! I couldn't do that pupil test for nothing. My guy was so dark skinned, with jet black eyes that couldn't be discerned from his black pupils. Although, he would never kiss me and look me IN the eye, he always looked over my shoulder while kissing me, that was his way of not letting me detect his pupils because he didn't KNOW i couldn't see them anyway. had it not been for the keloids and blood and a handy digital camera to photo the scabs before they turned to keloids, I'd have never known he was using IV. Aleve? Trust your gut instinct. It's a gift from our HP!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Hiya SofaCat,
It was you who provided the tip I ignored. THANK YOU!
I wouldn't say that I know for sure just yet. I want undisputed proof. Here I am today - On a scale of 1-10, I'm at a 4 of being convinced. Whereas last night I was at 8. He's in a good mood this morning and in the kitchen making breakfast.
He's been really very helpful around the house and great with the kids. I kinda wish Hyde would come out to play, cause he's the one I want to confront.
I'm not quite at the point of taking any kind action. It's probably nutty, but when I think about throwing myself into Alanon - It's more like someone to help me through steps so I can leave without too much guilt. Somehow in my head I'm equating Alanon as divorce support! This may be due to the fact I'm already working the steps as applied to my own recovery.
So, I'm not going back to sticking my head in the sand. But, I'm not quite ready for that Dune Buggy yet.
It was you who provided the tip I ignored. THANK YOU!
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
i was just sitting here at computer thinking about and how it's going. so now you know for sure he is using. you have to decide if you can live with that. do you feel that your own sobriety may be in jeopardy? i am sorry. it really, really sucks.
He's been really very helpful around the house and great with the kids. I kinda wish Hyde would come out to play, cause he's the one I want to confront.
I'm not quite at the point of taking any kind action. It's probably nutty, but when I think about throwing myself into Alanon - It's more like someone to help me through steps so I can leave without too much guilt. Somehow in my head I'm equating Alanon as divorce support! This may be due to the fact I'm already working the steps as applied to my own recovery.
So, I'm not going back to sticking my head in the sand. But, I'm not quite ready for that Dune Buggy yet.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Oh yeah,
My sobriety is in no danger. I haven't had a craving in quite sometime. In early recovery when I had them, I was weak when everything was fine. As it seemed like "Hey, it's not so bad, I can drink." I had zip cravings when in turmoil. Bizzarre.
My sobriety is in no danger. I haven't had a craving in quite sometime. In early recovery when I had them, I was weak when everything was fine. As it seemed like "Hey, it's not so bad, I can drink." I had zip cravings when in turmoil. Bizzarre.
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
Ali.. why do you have to wait for Hyde to appear ? Ive read your posts on this and I beleive you know its just something that hes doing to by time . isnt it inevitable that he will appear . its just a question of when . and that when is .. when the craving start hitting hard ..
your in control , and you dont have to live life on the string of a Yo-Yo ~ huggles Endzy ~
your in control , and you dont have to live life on the string of a Yo-Yo ~ huggles Endzy ~
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Endozer - I know, I know (I say this ALL the time, drives my sponsor crazy as knowing just really doesn't do anything)!
"BUT, I like my saying, "i know, and he knows, and he knows that I know"
I do listen to you people, I had to ponder that for a while. It's starting to make some sense as a purpose driven strategy. I'd like to do the pupil thing one more time, to try and seal it in this thick head of mine. Then I'll just say in a stern yet caring way...
"Hey, you know what you're doing and I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know. The wheels have been put in motion and you're future here looks pretty dim. I have no idea how much longer I can live with this. But, I can tell you the days are numbered. I suggest you take a good sober look around here and let me know when you're ready for help. Just keep in mind that time is not on your side".
"BUT, I like my saying, "i know, and he knows, and he knows that I know"
I do listen to you people, I had to ponder that for a while. It's starting to make some sense as a purpose driven strategy. I'd like to do the pupil thing one more time, to try and seal it in this thick head of mine. Then I'll just say in a stern yet caring way...
"Hey, you know what you're doing and I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know. The wheels have been put in motion and you're future here looks pretty dim. I have no idea how much longer I can live with this. But, I can tell you the days are numbered. I suggest you take a good sober look around here and let me know when you're ready for help. Just keep in mind that time is not on your side".
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by cynical one
Ahh yes, the insanity of for some reason needing proof. After the pupil test and the drug test, remember you can always go to a lie detector test, and then thiopental sodium (truth serum), and if that doesn't work, they respond well to water boarding, or bamboo shoots under the fingernails.
And, then we have what? Undisputed proof! Then we can get on up on our self-righteous soap box and throw it in their face…"addict liar!"
Oh, but now we can make an informed decision of whether to stay or go, as if either is going to make any difference whatsoever as long as we are looking at them and not at ourselves.
It always comes back to behaviors, are theirs acceptable or not, are ours acceptable or not? And, am I the best me I can be regardless of them?
And, then we have what? Undisputed proof! Then we can get on up on our self-righteous soap box and throw it in their face…"addict liar!"
Oh, but now we can make an informed decision of whether to stay or go, as if either is going to make any difference whatsoever as long as we are looking at them and not at ourselves.
It always comes back to behaviors, are theirs acceptable or not, are ours acceptable or not? And, am I the best me I can be regardless of them?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Alizerin
Thank you all for responding to my post(s) I'm just sounding off as it feels as though this is the beginning of a probable long process of letting go.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I get what cynical is trying to say. Proving somebody is actively using is focusing on what they are doing. And if you prove it you get to act on what you have proven or you get to ignore it and the whole process is pointless unless something is done. You can't fix him, he can only fix him so it comes to what are you going to do about it. It is sort of beating head against wall to prove this. I just see a great deal of energy put forth and emotional energy spent and the outcomes remain the same. In my active addiction, no drug testing would have changed me. Heck I flunked a great many of them and until I was ready it did not matter if I was called a liar or what I was called, I was in my happy place with my drug and nobody was going to change me. Just trying to save you the time and effort spent on this endeavor.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,900
When I worked at a sober house, the residents were expected to submit to a drug test. After the test was performed, I used the results as a way to get the resident in question to consider being honest with me. I explained how denial can prevent one from making an honest assessment of their condition. I also explained how honesty could work in their favor. It was the policy of the house to keep all those that were willing to honestly give recovery a try. Either way once honesty was established, it became easier to see the magnitude of the problem or not (from the residents perspective) and decide on what course of action the resident was willing to do or not. Without honesty...I explained the uselessness of having any further dialog with them and terminated the relationship...with good will...and sent them on their way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
<I aplogize for going a little overbaord above>
Those are my thoughts exactly Zen.
I have no desire to get on a soap box and get all high and mighty either. I am just like him. I just happend to find a program that worked for me. Like I said in an earlier post, can't begin to work on a problem if it's not acknowledged.
I can't really set a boundary on just generally grumpiness and that's the main issue. It might seem like no big deal, grumpiness. But, it really, really is.
Those are my thoughts exactly Zen.
I have no desire to get on a soap box and get all high and mighty either. I am just like him. I just happend to find a program that worked for me. Like I said in an earlier post, can't begin to work on a problem if it's not acknowledged.
I can't really set a boundary on just generally grumpiness and that's the main issue. It might seem like no big deal, grumpiness. But, it really, really is.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
so, i'm not trying to start up a new debate over testing the loved one in your life, really i'm not. what i am trying to do is explain my point of view that even though many generalities and assumptions can be made about this addiction thing, every case is not just like the next one.
my abf started on methadone maintenance and was LOOPY. i'm looking at him sleepwalk, nod out at any time of day, be alert one minute and snoring the next, and spend a LOT of time in the bathroom. with the water running!! so i totally know he is using something he's not supposed to, right? i do a little asking around and learn what the symptoms of mixing this drug with that, etc etc, and i know i'm being duped. i can't ask him because of course he will just lie. but i do not want an actively using, lying addict in my house!! so what do i do? wait for his behavior to get horrible? (it wasn't)
he had no inkling that i was going to one evening knock on the bathroom door with a test in my hand. i walked in, closed door behind us, handed it over and he said "ok fine" then i said "but while i'm in here with you." it took quite awhile, him crashing into the wall once or twice from starting to fall asleep, but there was no way i wasn't following through with this. i get it, look at the strip and it comes up positive for methadone and benzodiazapines. ha! confirmation. he says "i told you i took benzo's last week when i was in texas. i haven't taken anything since i got off the plane." so, here is this guy BOLD-FACED LYING when i have the proof - wtf!
just how deranged is he?? for some reason i decided to actually do what the instructions say, and mail the sample to the company's lab. for some reason i actually call a couple of weeks later and get the result: positive for methadone. i ask "are you sure" and was told yes, if there was a trace amount of a benzo in the system it could show up in the screen. the lab is more accurate. this is why you're supposed to send it in after the screen.
a few weeks later, we are in the office of the psychiatrist - he was in a therapy session, i in the waiting room. i asked the dr. about side effects - muscle twitches, the nodding, weird sleep patterns. he said with the two anti-depressant meds and methadone - normal. then a few weeks later, he starts to level off. his dose gets more correct, he is loopy much less and he goes to the regular doc. he also has something wrong with his "urinator" and can't pee! he spends 10, 15, 20 minutes in the bathroom sometimes - with the water running (to help). so now he's on a med for that as well.
there's also a story about when he WAS using and i did not know it - never suspected and did not know until he confessed months later.
so, well-meaning and intelligent friends: i know that things aren't always what they seem. he knows all of this occurred because of broken trust, and i know it and wonder regularly if the right thing to do is just pack it in cuz this stinks and i don't know if it will ever really end.
and didn't mean to write a book here but i just really wanted to get my thoughts out.
alizerin's head is spinning. it's an awful place to be to be 90% sure you know the truth, but because it is frightening and it will require that you displace someone you love, you question yourself and give that benefit of the doubt until it's staring you right in the face and then you really know.
my abf started on methadone maintenance and was LOOPY. i'm looking at him sleepwalk, nod out at any time of day, be alert one minute and snoring the next, and spend a LOT of time in the bathroom. with the water running!! so i totally know he is using something he's not supposed to, right? i do a little asking around and learn what the symptoms of mixing this drug with that, etc etc, and i know i'm being duped. i can't ask him because of course he will just lie. but i do not want an actively using, lying addict in my house!! so what do i do? wait for his behavior to get horrible? (it wasn't)
he had no inkling that i was going to one evening knock on the bathroom door with a test in my hand. i walked in, closed door behind us, handed it over and he said "ok fine" then i said "but while i'm in here with you." it took quite awhile, him crashing into the wall once or twice from starting to fall asleep, but there was no way i wasn't following through with this. i get it, look at the strip and it comes up positive for methadone and benzodiazapines. ha! confirmation. he says "i told you i took benzo's last week when i was in texas. i haven't taken anything since i got off the plane." so, here is this guy BOLD-FACED LYING when i have the proof - wtf!
just how deranged is he?? for some reason i decided to actually do what the instructions say, and mail the sample to the company's lab. for some reason i actually call a couple of weeks later and get the result: positive for methadone. i ask "are you sure" and was told yes, if there was a trace amount of a benzo in the system it could show up in the screen. the lab is more accurate. this is why you're supposed to send it in after the screen.
a few weeks later, we are in the office of the psychiatrist - he was in a therapy session, i in the waiting room. i asked the dr. about side effects - muscle twitches, the nodding, weird sleep patterns. he said with the two anti-depressant meds and methadone - normal. then a few weeks later, he starts to level off. his dose gets more correct, he is loopy much less and he goes to the regular doc. he also has something wrong with his "urinator" and can't pee! he spends 10, 15, 20 minutes in the bathroom sometimes - with the water running (to help). so now he's on a med for that as well.
there's also a story about when he WAS using and i did not know it - never suspected and did not know until he confessed months later.
so, well-meaning and intelligent friends: i know that things aren't always what they seem. he knows all of this occurred because of broken trust, and i know it and wonder regularly if the right thing to do is just pack it in cuz this stinks and i don't know if it will ever really end.
and didn't mean to write a book here but i just really wanted to get my thoughts out.
alizerin's head is spinning. it's an awful place to be to be 90% sure you know the truth, but because it is frightening and it will require that you displace someone you love, you question yourself and give that benefit of the doubt until it's staring you right in the face and then you really know.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"but because it is frightening and it will require that you displace someone you love, you question yourself and give that benefit of the doubt until it's staring you right in the face and then you really know."
That's hitting the nail on the head.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have a hard enough time connecting in here as it is for some reason.
Although it doesn't seem like it or really feel like it. Ultimately I believe I'm in a better place than before. It's just going to take some time and patience on my part as to not do anything I'll end up regretting later. Rome wasn't built in a day.
That's hitting the nail on the head.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have a hard enough time connecting in here as it is for some reason.
Although it doesn't seem like it or really feel like it. Ultimately I believe I'm in a better place than before. It's just going to take some time and patience on my part as to not do anything I'll end up regretting later. Rome wasn't built in a day.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
I do listen to you people.....I have a hard enough time connecting in here as it is for some reason.
Is it possible that you are having a hard time connecting on here because you are still looking through an addicts eyes and not eyes of that of a loved one of an addict?
My MIL is a RA of 20 plus years, and she is handling her son through her own eyes as an addict. She is enabling him right now because she acquired the tools for herself to stay sober, but she never acquired the tools that a loved one of an addict must have for themselves. It's a different perspective...different boundaries, different side.
You find yourself on this forum for a reason, and though you declare yourself stubborn...all of us on here can probably say the same things about ourselves. But you're here because you are with people who are and have been in the same situation you find yourself in right now.
I have been with Mr Sofa for 10 years. He is addicted to opiates. I have BTDT with him through it all...methadone, suboxone, relapse, detox, theft, lying, pain, shaking legs and sweats, stomach issues, constipation, migraines, depression, withdrawal, pinned pupils, reckless behavior, rehab, back on track, fell of the wagon, broke as a joke, I am his universe, I am his enemy.....all of it.
The best thing i did for myself was to understand the first step isn't just for addicts, it's for Me too.... it was either that, or go crazy.
I chose door #1.
Glad your with us.
Is it possible that you are having a hard time connecting on here because you are still looking through an addicts eyes and not eyes of that of a loved one of an addict?
My MIL is a RA of 20 plus years, and she is handling her son through her own eyes as an addict. She is enabling him right now because she acquired the tools for herself to stay sober, but she never acquired the tools that a loved one of an addict must have for themselves. It's a different perspective...different boundaries, different side.
You find yourself on this forum for a reason, and though you declare yourself stubborn...all of us on here can probably say the same things about ourselves. But you're here because you are with people who are and have been in the same situation you find yourself in right now.
I have been with Mr Sofa for 10 years. He is addicted to opiates. I have BTDT with him through it all...methadone, suboxone, relapse, detox, theft, lying, pain, shaking legs and sweats, stomach issues, constipation, migraines, depression, withdrawal, pinned pupils, reckless behavior, rehab, back on track, fell of the wagon, broke as a joke, I am his universe, I am his enemy.....all of it.
The best thing i did for myself was to understand the first step isn't just for addicts, it's for Me too.... it was either that, or go crazy.
I chose door #1.
Glad your with us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Alizerin)))
I've been the RA, I've been the one to walk away because my bf was still using. In all honesty, it was harder (for me) to be the loved one.
With all I knew about being an addict, I still couldn't handle being the gf of a guy who loved his dope. How could he choose the dope over me? Did I really ask that? OMG? I KNOW better!!!
I was born a codie (I'm convinced) and have always focused on other people, and I've spent a few years on this forum, so I do understand what ((Cynical)) has said. I also understand wanting proof. However, as my codie recovery has strengthened, I am more a bit able to detach because of behavior..rather than any proof. It doesn't mean I walk away forever...it just means I focus on me and what I want and need, right now. It took me a while to get to that point.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've been the RA, I've been the one to walk away because my bf was still using. In all honesty, it was harder (for me) to be the loved one.
With all I knew about being an addict, I still couldn't handle being the gf of a guy who loved his dope. How could he choose the dope over me? Did I really ask that? OMG? I KNOW better!!!
I was born a codie (I'm convinced) and have always focused on other people, and I've spent a few years on this forum, so I do understand what ((Cynical)) has said. I also understand wanting proof. However, as my codie recovery has strengthened, I am more a bit able to detach because of behavior..rather than any proof. It doesn't mean I walk away forever...it just means I focus on me and what I want and need, right now. It took me a while to get to that point.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Sofacat "I am his universe, I am his enemy"
Thanks for that. Having words for what exactly why I'm feeling the way I am puts them in a new light and then changes my perspective which in turn changes my reactions.
"still looking through an addicts eyes and not eyes of that of a loved one of an addict".
Yep. AA was not designed for alcoholics/family of A's. Three weeks ago I would have said this was true--> "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us". So, I've been negating my feelingsand trying to stifle them as I should no better than to let these feelings beat me down. On the otherhand, a wise man once to told me that sometimes we have to feel things to get through them.
Ugh, I had serenity at once point. Really I had it, a while ago.
Funny how this stuff works. I didn't plan on this route. I planned on coming to this forum to help newcomers, as I do work the AA program in my everyday life.
Another perplexing thing is that many in Alanon seem to be looking for what AA does too. Peace of mind and serenity.
I had that when I was IGNORING what was in front of me! So, I guess really the only way out is through it.
It seems he peaks right around bedtime. There's those pupils again. So I called my sister over and said "I think you have something right above your eye, let me look" As I wanted to see her pupils in the same lighting. (yeah, I'm sick)! :-)
I went into the bathroom while he was in thier to brush my teeth. I asked him if I could look at his pupils. Yep, small. I said hold on, I'm going to turn off the lights. Look right at me. Of course he immediately exclaimed "No, I'm not doing this again!" (although one must admit, even a sober guy would be annoyed). I did this three times and then did my own. Just to pound it into my thick head. No denying, absolutely no pupil reaction.
I did you all proud with this next part (I think)...
I sat down in front of him, put my hand on his shoulder and said verbatim in a quiet slow, concerned voice....
"You know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know.
And then *poof* there it was, an undeniable look of wanting to talk. lasted but a second or two. then *poff* again and it was gone. Replaced with "I'm so tired of this, tired of you accusing me.. blah, blah, blah". <--- Even writing that now, makes me double guess myself yet AGAIN. But, you know what's different this time? That feeling doesn't last long anymore and I have the forum to thank for that.
My awsome response was simply a "sigh".
Then I came here. :-)
(BTW, I did make the doctors appointments I mentioned in the other post).
So, next plan:
Tomorrow I will in the same demeaner tell him that this can't go on, you'll lose your family. I'm going to give you until wendsday to tell me what we both know. You need help. You'll need to go into rehab to detox. You can simply tell me that you're ready to go and you'll go with my unwavering support. Try to remember and hold on to that wonderful feeling you had when you returned from rehab two years ago"
Then I'll remind him of just how great it was.
That is also the frustrating part, as I SAW it. I SAW him present and happy. I know what I'm missing. If no response, I will ask him for a trial seperation. <---- Need input on this.
I, being in a drunken stuper for years, with two years sober now, wants to live life and love. I believe love is something you do and he's incapable. I have no intention of living the next 30-years without it.
Whoever read this whole thing is truly a wonderful person (or really bored) ;-)
Thanks for that. Having words for what exactly why I'm feeling the way I am puts them in a new light and then changes my perspective which in turn changes my reactions.
"still looking through an addicts eyes and not eyes of that of a loved one of an addict".
Yep. AA was not designed for alcoholics/family of A's. Three weeks ago I would have said this was true--> "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us". So, I've been negating my feelingsand trying to stifle them as I should no better than to let these feelings beat me down. On the otherhand, a wise man once to told me that sometimes we have to feel things to get through them.
Ugh, I had serenity at once point. Really I had it, a while ago.
Funny how this stuff works. I didn't plan on this route. I planned on coming to this forum to help newcomers, as I do work the AA program in my everyday life.
Another perplexing thing is that many in Alanon seem to be looking for what AA does too. Peace of mind and serenity.
I had that when I was IGNORING what was in front of me! So, I guess really the only way out is through it.
It seems he peaks right around bedtime. There's those pupils again. So I called my sister over and said "I think you have something right above your eye, let me look" As I wanted to see her pupils in the same lighting. (yeah, I'm sick)! :-)
I went into the bathroom while he was in thier to brush my teeth. I asked him if I could look at his pupils. Yep, small. I said hold on, I'm going to turn off the lights. Look right at me. Of course he immediately exclaimed "No, I'm not doing this again!" (although one must admit, even a sober guy would be annoyed). I did this three times and then did my own. Just to pound it into my thick head. No denying, absolutely no pupil reaction.
I did you all proud with this next part (I think)...
I sat down in front of him, put my hand on his shoulder and said verbatim in a quiet slow, concerned voice....
"You know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know.
And then *poof* there it was, an undeniable look of wanting to talk. lasted but a second or two. then *poff* again and it was gone. Replaced with "I'm so tired of this, tired of you accusing me.. blah, blah, blah". <--- Even writing that now, makes me double guess myself yet AGAIN. But, you know what's different this time? That feeling doesn't last long anymore and I have the forum to thank for that.
My awsome response was simply a "sigh".
Then I came here. :-)
(BTW, I did make the doctors appointments I mentioned in the other post).
So, next plan:
Tomorrow I will in the same demeaner tell him that this can't go on, you'll lose your family. I'm going to give you until wendsday to tell me what we both know. You need help. You'll need to go into rehab to detox. You can simply tell me that you're ready to go and you'll go with my unwavering support. Try to remember and hold on to that wonderful feeling you had when you returned from rehab two years ago"
Then I'll remind him of just how great it was.
That is also the frustrating part, as I SAW it. I SAW him present and happy. I know what I'm missing. If no response, I will ask him for a trial seperation. <---- Need input on this.
I, being in a drunken stuper for years, with two years sober now, wants to live life and love. I believe love is something you do and he's incapable. I have no intention of living the next 30-years without it.
Whoever read this whole thing is truly a wonderful person (or really bored) ;-)
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I sat down in front of him, put my hand on his shoulder and said verbatim in a quiet slow, concerned voice....
"You know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know.
And then *poof* there it was, an undeniable look of wanting to talk. lasted but a second or two. then *poff* again and it was gone. Replaced with "I'm so tired of this, tired of you accusing me.. blah, blah, blah". <--- Even writing that now, makes me double guess myself yet AGAIN. But, you know what's different this time? That feeling doesn't last long anymore and I have the forum to thank for that.
I have done this many many times with Ah. There would be glimmer's of wanting to open up. When he shut me down I just pushed harder. I've been down the route of testing, snooping, spying, overhearing him 'accidently' on the phone, following him, more testing. I got every single excuse in the book. If I looked up at the blue sky he could 100% convince me that it wasn't what I saw. I can be standing there with a + drug test in my hand and he'll have me convinced it is wrong. I can be standing there with a - drug test and I know it's wrong. In the end it is as simple as cynical one says. It always comes back to behaviors, are theirs acceptable or not, are ours acceptable or not? And, am I the best me I can be regardless of them?
As Sofacat said....I am his universe, I am the enemy. Pretty much polar opposites, but very true. I KNOW I am my AH's universe, but I am his worst enemy when he's addicted.
"You know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know.
And then *poof* there it was, an undeniable look of wanting to talk. lasted but a second or two. then *poff* again and it was gone. Replaced with "I'm so tired of this, tired of you accusing me.. blah, blah, blah". <--- Even writing that now, makes me double guess myself yet AGAIN. But, you know what's different this time? That feeling doesn't last long anymore and I have the forum to thank for that.
I have done this many many times with Ah. There would be glimmer's of wanting to open up. When he shut me down I just pushed harder. I've been down the route of testing, snooping, spying, overhearing him 'accidently' on the phone, following him, more testing. I got every single excuse in the book. If I looked up at the blue sky he could 100% convince me that it wasn't what I saw. I can be standing there with a + drug test in my hand and he'll have me convinced it is wrong. I can be standing there with a - drug test and I know it's wrong. In the end it is as simple as cynical one says. It always comes back to behaviors, are theirs acceptable or not, are ours acceptable or not? And, am I the best me I can be regardless of them?
As Sofacat said....I am his universe, I am the enemy. Pretty much polar opposites, but very true. I KNOW I am my AH's universe, but I am his worst enemy when he's addicted.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"It always comes back to behaviors, are theirs acceptable or not, are ours acceptable or not? And, am I the best me I can be regardless of them?"
I think we're O.K. and I say that tentatively. We don't argue in front of the kids or have screaming matches. We talk cordial. He just looks miserable and walks like the living dead most of the time. Oh, and he can snappy.
What I find unacceptable is the fact that NOBODY's home. When he got out of rehab two years ago he was great. So, I did experience him. They say an addict is only 50% of what they could be. Just walking around 1/2 people. It seems more like 10% over here. So, it's the drug use that is unacceptable. I swear, I don't have one behavior issue so-to-speak that is unacceptable ---> it's Him being 10% human is.
I think we're O.K. and I say that tentatively. We don't argue in front of the kids or have screaming matches. We talk cordial. He just looks miserable and walks like the living dead most of the time. Oh, and he can snappy.
What I find unacceptable is the fact that NOBODY's home. When he got out of rehab two years ago he was great. So, I did experience him. They say an addict is only 50% of what they could be. Just walking around 1/2 people. It seems more like 10% over here. So, it's the drug use that is unacceptable. I swear, I don't have one behavior issue so-to-speak that is unacceptable ---> it's Him being 10% human is.
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