Kittyboo

This whole week has been anxiety ridden....due to my own thoughts, but still there. I will take Miss Fixits words and just say Feelings Resurfaced! And I have been miserable!!

All due to the fact that I got some drunken email last Fri night saying he hoped we could be friends, and he was "sorry for everything". He wanted to talk about it later.
Well, of course me, though I have my guard up, gave him an open window to speak to me. I wanted so much to believe his apology was sincere.
How crazy am I!!!?????

And of course, haven't heard a thing from him since! Yes, I know a blessing. But rips at me all over again. This was just one more thing to remind me that his words are insincere. He'll say anything when he's clearly drinking, and doesn't care about anyone but himself. No matter how guilt ridden he SEEMS.

I feel like all of the pain of him not caring about me in the first place has just been drudged up again. I cried today. The first time in weeks I have felt like I lost something again.
I know there is a whole thread devoted to dealing with emotions creeping back up, but I didn't want to hijack Miss Fixits thread.

I wish he had never written. I don't understand why he did. And I HAVE GOT TO LEARN THAT IT'S OKAY TO TELL SOMEONE YOU DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TO THEM ANYMORE! I HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF.
I feel like I do stand up for myself, but then when I feel like I am hurting someone, I just want to say "oh, i'm sorry".
Why should I be sorry when he has NO PROBLEM hurting me!

Just venting. I really needed to tonight.

FindingPeace1

Do you ever do this where you're walking down the street or in the grocery store and someone bumps you or steps on your foot and before you can do anything you are apologizing to them??
We have cultural training as women to make everything better by giving ourselves up. By being passive. By taking the responsibility.
I'm with you! IT'S CRAP!
NO MORE!
We can chant together: too bad if my needs hurt your feelings! You can care for yourself! I am caring for ME!

barb dwyer

Awwww, ****{Kitty}}}

Well, now you know it for the falsehood it is -
when the next time comes.
And you know it'll come.
And that one will be easier.
And faster to pass.
Just like this one passes more quickly
than the one before.

You're doing so well, though! Vent away!!!!



To wifeofadrinker-
OMG!!!

The one I get -

I'm standing in the aisle, reading a label or something...
people come up to me, stop their carts -

AND EXPECT ME TO MOVE OUT OF THEIR WAY WHEN I WAS STANDING THERE FIRST !!!!!

That one -
finally -
one day I finally.... cracked.
I looked at the woman and said

"I KNOW you don't think I'm moving."

she actually heaved this HUGE sigh,
but she went around me.

WTF is THAT all about?

barb dwyer

They know what buttons to push.

They're out to get attention - and they'll do whatever it takes to get it.
Good OR bad.

Shuvanhi

Hi. It is sometimes hard to let go of a relationship. there is always that little hope inside that things might of worked out. but it seems to me that he's hurt you enough. If he writes or sends you a email.. Just dont open it up. which will be a big step for you. But only you have the power with in you to not let him hurt you. You seem to have gone through to much with him. and you deserve better.. believe in yourself... have some faith... and stay strong.
Bright Blessings to you

FindingPeace1

OH! The crazy CRAP they put us through! The crazy CRAP we LET ourselves be put through!
It's just amazing. Really. Seriously??
My AH went from Mr. Wonderful to Mr. Insane.
I get off the phone and think, how did I fall down the rabbit hole again?
What PLANET are they on??!?

Yuck yuck and double yuck.
Thank GOD for you sane folk to keep my head clear.

Kittyboo

All of your messages made me smile! Thank you!

Soph- today I ate a package of those mini white powdered donuts. (ok, and 2 glazed donuts in Psych class beforehand)

Barb- for real they KNOW what buttons to push!
That's why I try so hard to control my emotions, because I feel that's what he wants. He wants to see me upset. He wants to think he can still get to me, atleast I feel like he does.
It has taken all I could not to send him ANOTHER message going off on him about contacting me in the first place. Am I glad I didn't!
The most I have done is take the option away for him to be able to message me. But I suppose he could try and call but he hasn't yet.

I won't say ANYTHING else to him, because I know saying anything else is just giving him attention. He can get that from his girlfriend.

Sometimes it's amazing that though we KNOW the psychological games they try to play with us, we can still sometimes so easily get swept away in our emotions. My new focus.....
To rule my emotions; not have my emotions rule me!

Thanks guys!

Kittyboo

Shuvanni - Thank you
You know, I told myself that I wasn't going to open an email from him before I got this one he sent... obviously I can control myself REALLY well!

So yes, next time, I am going to be stronger and not respond to any plea's. He, like most of the A's we seem to deal with, has this uncanny ability to play this sweet caring man who is sooooooooo sorry if he would hurt anyone. How easy it is to believe that.
No more! And you are right, he has definitely hurt me enough.

Wife- They are NOT on THIS planet...that's for sure. I don't even think they are on Mars, where they say the rest of the men are from I would say they are on Mercury, it's the only planet closest to the sun that has clearly fried their brain!

transformyself

Did you sneak into my life and report from it whilst I was sleeping? Wow.

And
This woman speaks the truth!

freya

They know what buttons to push, yeah, of course they do.

But do you?

My e-mail service provider helpfully provides a "Delete" button.

They also provide the option of blocking e-mails from certain senders and/or for sending their e-mails directly to SPAM......to be trashed or viewed later, as I so choose.

I've also found it helpful at certain points to immediately forward e-mails from certain people to trusted friends who have agreed beforehand to screen stuff for me, edit out anything that I don't need to read and trash the rest -- which usually turns out to be all of it.

There's a woman at one of my meetings whose been around over 20 years, and she tells a story of how once, early on, she was supposed to meet her sponsor at a meeting. She arrived 40 minutes late and after the meeting her sponsor asked her what happened. She replied that her XAH had called right as she was about to leave and then she proceeded to b*tch and moan about how terrible she felt and how upset he had "made" her because he basically spent 45 minutes being mean and nasty and manipulative over the phone. After a few minutes of listening to this little story, the sponsor interrupted with:

"Well, who answered the phone? Who held the phone to your ear for those 45 minutes?"

freya

Carol Star

They have to focus on us to take the focus off the insane stuff they are doing.....At least I see it happening to others so I now it is not just me and I am not crazy.....they are the koo koos......not us......

Kittyboo

Freya-

I got the impression from your response that you missed some key points that I had already stated. 1. That is was MY emotions making me feel this way. 2. That I had previously told myself that I would delete anything he said to me....but I flaked. 3. I had blocked him from messaging me.
This was his first attempt at contact. Yes, it got to me. Yes, I know how to push buttons....I don't need the "tough love" or sarcasm here. Sorry, just being as blunt as you were.....even though you may have good intentions, using.sarcasm does not speak to that. My 2 cents there.

You know, sometimes, SR is a great place to journal out your feelings, and get responses and I was feeling pretty good after reading the responses.


And Transform, yes, it is the truth! I find that when I come around the corner and bump into someone, or nearly do that I will automatically say "i'm sorry"... not "excuse me". I'm actually keyed into that now because of that point! I wonder what has conditioned me to do that! I am going to make it a point to stop saying "i'm sorry"!

Seren

OK....sorry for a bit of a highjack and a bit of OT.....but.....

What I get is someone standing in the aisle reading a label and their cart is in the middle of the aisle....so....I CAN'T go around because there is no room! I appreciate that someone is there first, and I always wait an allow someone to finish looking/reading/deciding until it is my turn, but please, please don't block the whole aisle so that others can get past! And thank you for your support!

Learn2Live

Kittyboo, Here's my perspective; hope something is useful to you:

You can change all this very easily by changing your perspective, i.e., your thoughts.

Actually, it's all due to the fact that you READ the drunken email, not that HE sent it and not that you GOT it. Move your focus away from HIM and HIS behavior and focus on YOU and YOUR behavior. Here's how:

Use the Serenity Prayer and learn from this past week.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I'm going to reverse it a little:

Are you wise enough yet to be able to discern what you could control in this situation and what you could not? Here is my take: You couldn't control that he wrote and sent you the email, and you couldn't control that it was received by your email. You CAN control whether or not emails from him are blocked or filtered from entering your Inbox AND you CAN control whether or not you read them.

Can you accept what you cannot change? Can you accept that EVERY word he says is a LIE and a MANIPULATION? Can you accept that this man has been playing you and will continue to play you, which makes you anxious, miserable, hurt, emotional, and feel like you are going insane? Can you see what YOUR hooks are? HE sees your hooks VERY clearly and uses them against you all the time. If you can just lift your focus AWAY from HIM and what he is doing and trying to figure out what he is feeling and what he is thinking, and look at what you feel you WANT and NEED from him, you can take some HUGE steps backward and out of all those negative feelings. Here is the key:

Examine yourself; that is, what are you trying to GET from him? (Your answer is the reason you keep interacting with him in the first place).

Do you see how focused you are on HIM and HIS motivations, thoughts, behaviors, etc and how little you are focused on anything you can yourself control, other than your feelings and your misery? Can you see how much more of your life you WANT to control?

Right. You have not heard from him since then because that is how hooks work. He will give you a little of what he knows YOU WANT and then wait for you to REACT. Once you react, you fall right back into it. Until you stop reacting completely, whether with HIM or anyone else, you will continue to ride this rollercoaster. Whether or not he calls, is insincere, what he says, whether or not he's drinking, cares about anyone but himself, feels guilt or not, etc., DOES NOT MATTER. What matters is what YOU are doing.

Good, because your post has nothing to do with emotions. Your post is about you trying to get your needs met by other people instead of by you.

You wish he had never written? How about you wish you had never read it? Take responsibility for your behavior and your life. Stop blaming him for writing an email YOU should have protected yourself from reading. He wrote it because he is an alcoholic and he knows who he needs to continue to keep hooked-in so that he can continue to lead his irresponsible, alcoholic life.

This has nothing to do with being sorry for anything. Who has no problem hurting you? YOU have no problem hurting you. You have not taken the necessary steps to guard and protect yourself from hurt and you expect OTHER people to do it for you, an alcoholic no less.

This is nothing to do with standing up for yourself. And no, you do not need to TELL this person you don't want to speak to him anymore. You need to make up your mind whether or not having this person in your life is good and healthy FOR YOU and then decide whether or not you are going to take care of yourself.

I know exactly why you feel all the ways you feel about your emotions and why you feel they are what is getting the best of you. I believed this and proclaimed this for all of my adult years. Now I realize how my focus on my emotions kept me STUCK. Honey, it is NOT your emotions that are ruling you, it is your sense of responsiblity for yourself. When you are ready to take 100% of YOUR responsibility for YOURself; when you have let go of the idea that ANYone else is resonsible for your feelings, especially a man; your emotions will fall into line.

Kittyboo

Learn- Thank you for your post. YOu make some great points.

I will say, I DO take responsiblility for myself. I take responisiblity for everything I put into the relationship that was my choice. I take responsibility for CHOOSING to move and pursue the relationship, I have no problem with that.

I'm sorry to disagree with you but I am ruled by my emotions. I always have been. I am VERY reactive.
I have started to take the necessary steps to heal myself, and protect myself. I have been in counseling going on 6 months now. It has been extremely helpful. HE is NOT my ONLY source of pain in my life. I am dealing with it.

I don't blame anyone for things that are in my control. Yes, my life is in my control. I have been alone and independent my ENTIRE life....I have never had anyone to lean on, blame, or turn to except for myself. Not even parents who have been there for me.

Yes, you are right...I wish I had NEVER read the email.

Kittyboo

Anvil- I don't think you meant for your post to be funny... but it did make me laugh!

Only because I handle spiders the SAME way. They freak me out! No...FREAK me out!! I will stand 20 feet away thinking that my aim is good enough to throw a shoe from that distance and be able to kill it. I would have done the same thing you did, pile the books on and leave it!
I have to say, the fact that it was still alive gave me the heeby geebies!

But the point of your message was not missed either.... thanks!

freya

Actually, it was not sarcasm -- it was a transitional question, with a play on 2 possible meanings of the word "buttons," to make the transition between the first sentence and the third sentence quick.

OK...you "flaked"...I got that....but I also got that you were then somewhat disappointed and stressed that he didn't send a follow-up as promised...which, obviously, strongly implies that you were setting yourself up to "flake" again, should he have actually followed-up. This is problematic because a boundary that is not maintained is not a boundary -- it is an open invitation to more "abuse." But, then again, I also "got" that you have not come right out and said to him point-blank "Do not contact me in any way. I do not want to communicate with you." So, it appears that there are still some pretty big questions as to whether or not there even is a boundary here....and as to how certain you are -- in your heart as opposed to your head -- that you even want one.

As far as blocking his texts go, well, that's obviously an important step in the right direction. But, even at the advanced age of 50, I am well aware that in today's high-tech world the options for communication are hardly limited to texting, so I'm assuming that you know that very well and that he does, too. Thus, I'm not really sure what kind of a statement you are trying to make -- either to him by refusing only that particular method of communication or to the SR community by saying that you blocked only that one method of communication.

(emphasis added)

You're trying to quit that "sorry" thing, remember? (YIKES!, there's a line with a potentially very, very sarcastic double meaning....but I did actually write it, not about your X, but with the thought that you have said you need to stop apologizing to everyone for everything!) And there certainly is no reason for you to do it here, as I, quite obviously, have no problem with bluntness.

As for tough-love, well, really I don't consider someone calling my attention to my blind spots and/or my places of confusion and/or of self-contradiction to be tough love. I find it to be honest love....real love. Love that challenges me to grow and to be all that I can be. I actually had a 2-hour conversation with someone (very insightful, excellent going-on-3-decades recovery) last week in which a lot of my behaviors/motivations over the last few months were questioned quite extensively -- it was not particularly comfortable, but it was very, very helpful. Some of it gave me insight that I had lacked up until that point and some of it helped me to clarify, defend, and strengthen things I already knew/felt.....but it was all very, very powerful and I know for absolute certain that this person really cares about me and respects me and wants me to be the best me that I can be. I mean, it would have taken him a lot less time and energy to just commiserate with me for a few minutes and try to make me feel good, but instead, he put forth the time and effort to really think about and verbalize what he was seeing in me that was problematic and/or contradictory and/or confusing....and that, to me, is the greatest gift, because that is what I need for my continued recovery.

freya

Learn2Live

K-Boo, no need to be or say you are sorry for disagreeing about your own life.

Kittyboo

"You're trying to quit that "sorry" thing, remember? (YIKES!, there's a line with a potentially very, very sarcastic double meaning....but I did actually write it, not about your X, but with the thought that you have said you need to stop apologizing to everyone for everything!)"
- haha, point taken!

I get what you are saying. And you are right....I did not come out and say that I did not want to hear from him.
Though - actually a month ago i did tell him that I found out about the lies he told me, and now I could move on....etc. That was my closure. Atleast I thought it was! I was actually starting to feel some sense of peace after I said those last words I said to him. Then this happened, and yes, I let it. I welcomed it right in. I really NEVER thought he would reach out to me again.
I know better for next time.

I will say, in the past I would have sent a furious email by now, telling him to never contact me again. But since I am trying to change how I approach things, I feel that just plays into giving him a reaction. It's best to just get past it....move on, NOT contact him in any fashion and start again.
I read last night that many alcoholics will do things to get a reaction, then when they get it, it gives them a reason to drink. Well, he says he has enough reasons to drink, but I don't want any part of that game.

Kittyboo

Damn...I really need to remove SORRY from my vocab completely! LOL!!!

Thanks Learn