Reaction to Al-anon?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Pissed. Hurt.
He said he didn't want to be with someone that HAD to do therapy.
Later he took it back...well, he actually said he didn't MEAN it that way.
I hid everything at first, but later, I said, "Why?"
It's where I'm at.
I don't want to hide anything.
I don't hide my books about codependency or alcoholism.
I told him about alanon.
I told him about therapy.
Surprisingly, he hasn't said anything since then.
He said he didn't want to be with someone that HAD to do therapy.
Later he took it back...well, he actually said he didn't MEAN it that way.
I hid everything at first, but later, I said, "Why?"
It's where I'm at.
I don't want to hide anything.
I don't hide my books about codependency or alcoholism.
I told him about alanon.
I told him about therapy.
Surprisingly, he hasn't said anything since then.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I went to alanon on the same nights he went to AA.
He was tense and irritable but I thought it was due to his meetings.
After the meeting there was always a fight over anything.
I began to notice that he made comments like, "I dont' know if those meetings are good for you since you always come back angry" or I dont' think they are helping you deal with things.
When he stopped and I continued, he accused me of not caring about him and not wanting to spend time with him anymore. He would either start an argument and/or sleep on the couch.
What I never got to tell him is that I did get angry when I went to meetings b/c everyone validated my experience and I wanted to think my situation was different. I wasn't angry at him -but the disease and didn't feel that way when I saw him. At the meetings someone brought up the subject one night and everyone confirmed how angry the A gets on the nights of the alanon meetings. That put it in perspective for me.
He was tense and irritable but I thought it was due to his meetings.
After the meeting there was always a fight over anything.
I began to notice that he made comments like, "I dont' know if those meetings are good for you since you always come back angry" or I dont' think they are helping you deal with things.
When he stopped and I continued, he accused me of not caring about him and not wanting to spend time with him anymore. He would either start an argument and/or sleep on the couch.
What I never got to tell him is that I did get angry when I went to meetings b/c everyone validated my experience and I wanted to think my situation was different. I wasn't angry at him -but the disease and didn't feel that way when I saw him. At the meetings someone brought up the subject one night and everyone confirmed how angry the A gets on the nights of the alanon meetings. That put it in perspective for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
I don't think mine likes it either, although he hasn't said that. He's been quiet when I've mentioned that I'm going. Today I talked to him on the phone, he was in the car with his brother and he asked what I was doing after work (he's out of town right now) and I said, "going to that al-anon meeting." He said, "oh." Didn't sound too thrilled but hard to say because he was in the car with his brother and I don't know if he was angry or embarrassed or both, or just trying to not say anything in front of his brother....
That made me curious about others experiences.
That made me curious about others experiences.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Wondering how your A is thinking about your meeting attendance is really just more co-dependent thinking.
Perhaps in al-anon you can see the whole picture.
As we get healthier the dynamic changes.
Perhaps in al-anon you can see the whole picture.
As we get healthier the dynamic changes.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
When I began going to AlAnon I hid it. ABF found out and asked what was I going there for?
I explained it was for me to learn some skills, and for my sanity.
He was furious, accusing me of showing him up in public as an alco. He knew he was one, but I had no right to advertise it to people he didn't know, or making a fool of him in front of everyone he knew.
I told him that his drunken brawls, falling off his bar stool, being sick over pub floors and in the main street, sleeping on benches and gutters and being hauled off to the cop shop, sure wasn't him flying under the radar.
ABF didn't say another word about me going after that. I went for about 4 years, until he turned up drunk and stroppy at my meetings and I chose to leave for everyone's sake.
I have done the daily meditations in One Day at a time, and Courage to Change, and joined an on-line Alanon.
God bless
I explained it was for me to learn some skills, and for my sanity.
He was furious, accusing me of showing him up in public as an alco. He knew he was one, but I had no right to advertise it to people he didn't know, or making a fool of him in front of everyone he knew.
I told him that his drunken brawls, falling off his bar stool, being sick over pub floors and in the main street, sleeping on benches and gutters and being hauled off to the cop shop, sure wasn't him flying under the radar.
ABF didn't say another word about me going after that. I went for about 4 years, until he turned up drunk and stroppy at my meetings and I chose to leave for everyone's sake.
I have done the daily meditations in One Day at a time, and Courage to Change, and joined an on-line Alanon.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ontario
Posts: 85
My BF was supportive. I started going there as he finallly sought treatment.
Now I have not gone for a while (I dumped him) and he is making fun of me and telling me to go back because I "need the therapy".
Now I have not gone for a while (I dumped him) and he is making fun of me and telling me to go back because I "need the therapy".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
ellymae,
where are things at these days with your guy? is his still doing the "cutting back" thing?
my ex never said anything, nor did he react. but a stick of dynamite could go off in the tv room and i don't think he would have. initially, when he was sober and fresh out of treatment, however, i do believe he had a good attitude about it. we used to have a weekly date where he would go to his meeting, i would go to mine, then we'd grab a bite afterwards and talk. it's one of the highlights of my marriage. (did not last)
my current s/o is in favor of me attending. in the past when i have gotten too "codie" he has said "why don't ya work on your own self?" or "go to al-anon" or "you better get back into therapy"
just now i asked him if he liked, or didn't like, me attending al-anon. he said "yeah, i like it, of course i do." "why?" "cuz you're learning things, working on yourself. cuz you're working a program"
i personally haven't gotten angry feelings during or right after the meetings. sometimes i do get very sad - i feel despair. but during the meeting is not the time for everyone to be bashing their s/o's, so hoping that's not going on. i think you can for sure have "light bulb" moments, and get clarity inside those meetings that you otherwise would not.
where are things at these days with your guy? is his still doing the "cutting back" thing?
my ex never said anything, nor did he react. but a stick of dynamite could go off in the tv room and i don't think he would have. initially, when he was sober and fresh out of treatment, however, i do believe he had a good attitude about it. we used to have a weekly date where he would go to his meeting, i would go to mine, then we'd grab a bite afterwards and talk. it's one of the highlights of my marriage. (did not last)
my current s/o is in favor of me attending. in the past when i have gotten too "codie" he has said "why don't ya work on your own self?" or "go to al-anon" or "you better get back into therapy"
just now i asked him if he liked, or didn't like, me attending al-anon. he said "yeah, i like it, of course i do." "why?" "cuz you're learning things, working on yourself. cuz you're working a program"
i personally haven't gotten angry feelings during or right after the meetings. sometimes i do get very sad - i feel despair. but during the meeting is not the time for everyone to be bashing their s/o's, so hoping that's not going on. i think you can for sure have "light bulb" moments, and get clarity inside those meetings that you otherwise would not.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
My RABF's first reaction when I started going last year was anger because he told me I didn't need it. I never hid it from him and once I started to attend regularly, began to see that Al-Anon was about me and my recovery and not about how to get him to stop drinking.
His reactions since then through sobriety have been indifference and acceptance but whenever he was in the throes of a relapse, returned to anger and derision with a measure of guilt thrown in - guilt that his alcoholism drove me there.
One night again while drunk, he made me choose between Al-Anon and him - at which point, I chose not to discuss it any further with him as I refused to go down where that road was leading.
Since then with him going to AA, we can discuss our respective programs fairly rationally and while I think he sees how much Al-Anon has helped me, his opinions and thoughts and reactions toward my attendance do not guide or influence me. I will go to my twice weekly meetings, do my service work, attend workshops and the like because Al-Anon is about my recovery and it's not up to anyone else to chart that course for me.
His reactions since then through sobriety have been indifference and acceptance but whenever he was in the throes of a relapse, returned to anger and derision with a measure of guilt thrown in - guilt that his alcoholism drove me there.
One night again while drunk, he made me choose between Al-Anon and him - at which point, I chose not to discuss it any further with him as I refused to go down where that road was leading.
Since then with him going to AA, we can discuss our respective programs fairly rationally and while I think he sees how much Al-Anon has helped me, his opinions and thoughts and reactions toward my attendance do not guide or influence me. I will go to my twice weekly meetings, do my service work, attend workshops and the like because Al-Anon is about my recovery and it's not up to anyone else to chart that course for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
another thought about alanon attendance. when we decide to start going, we are usually a person we have become, that we do not wish to be anymore. we are in pain, we feel crazy, we are out of control. we have often times become this shrew, a raving lunatic sometimes, in their face, checking out their stories, trying to catch them in a lie, telling them what to do, berating them, etc etc etc. does the addict want you to be like this? this crazy maniac? of course not.
so alanon does two things: shines a light at their addiction (this is the component they may balk at) AND leads us to a way of not being that awful person we have started to become.
my point is that when two people are in relationship, if one of them is a non-recovering addict, you both kind of "go together". he acts a way, you act a way, and in a sick way this works. you both need to do recovery work in order for you to start relating to one another in more healthy ways. if both aren't doing that, imo, it doesn't work. be sick together, get healthy together. the only two options.
so alanon does two things: shines a light at their addiction (this is the component they may balk at) AND leads us to a way of not being that awful person we have started to become.
my point is that when two people are in relationship, if one of them is a non-recovering addict, you both kind of "go together". he acts a way, you act a way, and in a sick way this works. you both need to do recovery work in order for you to start relating to one another in more healthy ways. if both aren't doing that, imo, it doesn't work. be sick together, get healthy together. the only two options.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
My AH told me when I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, that when I told everyone at Al-Anon what was happening at home they would all laugh at me.
Otherwise he has been pretty quiet about it until recently when he screamed at me that I was going to a cult and they were all brainwashing me and all they talked about was how bad he is and how bad alcohol was. I just said that we didn't even discuss him and I went there to discuss me and for me to learn how to be a better person.
He now thinks that if he goes to AA, they will all say to him 'what you doing here mate, there's nothing wrong with you'.
Otherwise he has been pretty quiet about it until recently when he screamed at me that I was going to a cult and they were all brainwashing me and all they talked about was how bad he is and how bad alcohol was. I just said that we didn't even discuss him and I went there to discuss me and for me to learn how to be a better person.
He now thinks that if he goes to AA, they will all say to him 'what you doing here mate, there's nothing wrong with you'.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by elleymae 
Also curious... did al-anon meetings ever make anyone so angry or make you really realize the truth that it finally made you realize it was time to leave?
Luckily AH was fairly supportive and said that I must have needed to get it all off my chest. The ups and downs of a AH means that it could come back to bite me though in the future.
I know Al-anon is going to do me some good but I have had a week away from the books and meetings, so that I can get some space back in my head. I do feel a bit stronger now and more relaxed, ready to start again and hopefully put the rage behind me - anger may take a bit longer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Thank you for sharing your experiences everyone! I went to my first meeting last night and when I first walked in I judged everyone. there was also an AA meeting next door. Seriously, I walked in, looked around and thought, this is not for me... I'm not like anyone here. But once the meeting started, I found SUCH PEACE. I think EVERYONE needs AA or Al-anon, even those without this problem in their life. Wow, there are just so many lessons for life there!
Coffeedrinker, I read your message just before leaving for my meeting, the one that asked how my abf was doing on the cutting back. It meant a lot to me that you've followed my story and know exactly who I am. It's nice to know someone is out there listening and paying attention and not just jumping from message to message writing stuff. There are a few others on here that I know and follow their story and talk with them and know they follow mine. It's just a really great place.
Anyway, coffee, since you asked... the cutting back is still going great. He did have a couple drinks last night... which I expected, he's with his brother and they're in the "big city!!!" The best news about that is that I know he didn't have very many, and he didn't hide it from me. He didn't have to tell me he'd had a few drinks.... and given the circumstances, I would have thought he would've just omitted the information. I was worried sick the other night that because he was across the country he just wouldn't tell me what he did and didn't do.
As I've mentioned here and mentioned at my meeting last night, the level at which he drinks now does not cause me harm, it is what it could BECOME that really scares me. In case I've never mentioned, my mom is an UGLY alcholic... and I realize that my abf COULD progress to that. On the other hand, he doens't make my life hell. he doesn't show up randomly drunk, he doesn't go out and not come home, and as far as I know, he doesn't sneak drink. The reason I'd asked in my other post how people could be snowed into not knowing their S.O. drank, is because i worried that maybe I was missing something. And because of my past and growing up, I think I figured, he can't really have cut back, right? It's been about 6 months of him drinking mildly to moderatley... how could someone I think is an alcoholic do that?
For the record, I still believe that my abf has a problem. I'm not in denial about that, but I also realized very much at alanon, that whether he has a problem or not, that's not why I went to al-anon exactly.
Coffeedrinker put it beautifully by saying, when we go to alanon it's because we don't want to be the person we are anymore. TRUE DAT!!! And I realized last night that this really is more about me than him. Sure, I worry sick about him *getting worse* but I also learned THAT isn't where MY real problem is.
Wow, sorry folks that this post didn't have much to do with my original question.
I wish I'd gone to Alanon when I was a teen! Seriously.
Coffeedrinker, I read your message just before leaving for my meeting, the one that asked how my abf was doing on the cutting back. It meant a lot to me that you've followed my story and know exactly who I am. It's nice to know someone is out there listening and paying attention and not just jumping from message to message writing stuff. There are a few others on here that I know and follow their story and talk with them and know they follow mine. It's just a really great place.
Anyway, coffee, since you asked... the cutting back is still going great. He did have a couple drinks last night... which I expected, he's with his brother and they're in the "big city!!!" The best news about that is that I know he didn't have very many, and he didn't hide it from me. He didn't have to tell me he'd had a few drinks.... and given the circumstances, I would have thought he would've just omitted the information. I was worried sick the other night that because he was across the country he just wouldn't tell me what he did and didn't do.
As I've mentioned here and mentioned at my meeting last night, the level at which he drinks now does not cause me harm, it is what it could BECOME that really scares me. In case I've never mentioned, my mom is an UGLY alcholic... and I realize that my abf COULD progress to that. On the other hand, he doens't make my life hell. he doesn't show up randomly drunk, he doesn't go out and not come home, and as far as I know, he doesn't sneak drink. The reason I'd asked in my other post how people could be snowed into not knowing their S.O. drank, is because i worried that maybe I was missing something. And because of my past and growing up, I think I figured, he can't really have cut back, right? It's been about 6 months of him drinking mildly to moderatley... how could someone I think is an alcoholic do that?
For the record, I still believe that my abf has a problem. I'm not in denial about that, but I also realized very much at alanon, that whether he has a problem or not, that's not why I went to al-anon exactly.
Coffeedrinker put it beautifully by saying, when we go to alanon it's because we don't want to be the person we are anymore. TRUE DAT!!! And I realized last night that this really is more about me than him. Sure, I worry sick about him *getting worse* but I also learned THAT isn't where MY real problem is.
Wow, sorry folks that this post didn't have much to do with my original question.
I wish I'd gone to Alanon when I was a teen! Seriously.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Note: In my last post about my abf drinking and not hiding it, I don't know that I typed my thoughts clearly. What I mean to say is that he could have hidden it. He didn't need to tell me, I would have never known. NEVER known. I am thankful that he's not hiding it, because hiding it brings about all sorts of other issues... not just relating to alcoholism, but relationship issues in general. So I really wanted to clarify that I'm not trying to paint a pretty picture of him, how he's so *mr. honest* or whatever... I really was trying to say that AT LEAST he's not lying, hiding, etc. (yet) I'm grateful for that.
one last note, when I say things like (yet) at the end of a sentence like that I really see how I need alanon. I see how I needed therapy years ago, and how MY sickness is just as unhealthy as the drinking.
Thanks guys.
one last note, when I say things like (yet) at the end of a sentence like that I really see how I need alanon. I see how I needed therapy years ago, and how MY sickness is just as unhealthy as the drinking.
Thanks guys.
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