Teggie

Just reflecting this am. How things have been since I made AH leave our home. He has chronic pain from a bad back and neck but will not take meds as prescribed. He had quit the pills right before Christmas and I set a boundry with him that if he started using again he had to leave. After 2 weeks I began to see the all familiar signs and asked him, he got angry, defensive and accusing me of just wanting him out of the house. 2 days later he's back into full fledged stoned & I followed through on my boundry and told him to leave the property. It's been over 3 weeks now. We saw him at the WalMart Wens night after I had gotton home from work and the kids and I went for groceries. He looked like crap, never got a look at his eyes but he was dirty and scaggy looking. He avoided me like the plague but did talk to our son.

Initially he went to stay at the scuzbuckets house a couple of doors down. But last week he took it upon himself to move back into the shop out back without saying a word to me. We have been no contact except texting about business or our son and I made it clear I would not even entertain the possibility of personal talk until he completes rehab and works a recovery. I am currently working on a deadline for him to leave the shop. The only texts I receive from him are either asking for food, cigarettes, coffee or asking for son to come out.

About 2 weeks ago he suffered a acute episode with his back (or so he says) and got turned away at 2 hospital ER's. He's roped a buddy into "helping" him & this dogooder buddy feels it is his purpose to let me know all about AH's progress. After being turned down at the hospitals buddy says AH broke down and buddy took him to MHMR to see about rehab. MHMR set him up with a dr visit where doc took him off all meds except one pain med that he can take 2 every 6 hrs. Buddy is holding the meds and giving him 6 a day. Buddy drops off all 6 every am, and from my experience he prob has those taken before noon. No word was mentioned about rehab. Buddy says he moved back into the shop because his scuzzy friends wanted him to share his pills & he would'nt and is now not on terms with them. I am more inclined to think they caught him getting into thier grandmothers pain pills.

So buddy goes on, this was yesterday am & tells me how good ah is doing, how he's going to take him to apply for food stamps since he says he can't get a job and doesn't have a vehicle. I just listen this whole time and thank him for calling and hang up.

What I got from the conversation is this:

He's still taking pills. He's not in rehab. He's not working a recovery. He's not being responsible for himself. He's only taking the 6 pills a day (which I think is too much anyway) because thats all he can get, otherwise he would take more because he is not in recovery.

I notice yesterday am shortly after buddy's phone call that scuzzbuckets are heading out back & soon I see AH walking over to thier place where he spends all day working on someone's vehicle and who knows what else. Yup, he's really not on terms with them is he?

Is thier a purpose to this post beside showing me, as I write it, that I still have too much focus on him? I am working on that. I think it's mostly conveying the message loud and clear to me:

ACTIONS not words. He says he's trying to get better but the ACTIONS show he is not. Beleive the actions, they don't lie, he does.

Hugs,
Teggie

RonGrover

My quote to my son is: "My eyes can hear much better than my ears."

hello-kitty

I think you are doing great Teggie. Hold firm on those boundaries. The more distance between you and he, the less disruptive his scuzzbucket lifestyle is to you and your son. Maybe even consider that you might need some more restrictive boundaries.

The people I feel worst for here are the children. It's got to be hard to watch your father be a loser at such close range. I'm glad my son's father isn't in my son's face touting his bad choices. It still hurts my baby not to have his daddy around but at least he doesn't know how pathetic and irresponsible he is. He has an imaginary daddy who is fabulous.

Nope. I reserve all that garbage for myself.

This is just an aside. Yesterday my son told me that when he got bigger he was going to change his name to Dan and move to Montana to be closer to his daddy. (WTF?!) My son is four. Little does he know his daddy is staying in a crack motel up the street and just hasn't taken time to clean up long enough to visit him.

Insulated

He looked like crap, never got a look at his eyes but he was dirty and scaggy looking.

Isnt' that sad??? I recall seeing my guy walking out of the liquor store at 10:00 am looking like a bumb. It was so embarrassing!

Someone posted a response that rang so true for me, and maybe it will you too. "taking care of his basic needs while he focuses on getting drugs".

The hospital thing? You know the drill right? They go in with some bogus emergency, get the 10 pill script and they're on their way. I took my guy too, with his back injury. Until I notice the 4 puncture marks in a line on his bum! Yep, shooting the crap right in his sciatica. No wonder he couldn't walk!

You say yours is only taking 6 pills a day. Double or triple that. He's lying to you to minimize this crap in his own mind.

We her at SR are really incredibly proud of you for taking care of you and fine tuning your boundaries. You go woman.

Teggie

Thanks y'all, theres no other better place to be than here with others who know what your going through.

Kitty, your so right, I hate that my son has to see him this way. He has been very compliant with all this, didn't throw a fit when I had to make his dad leave, it doesn't seem to be affecting his school or play habits. I've gotton him into karate, which he loves hopefully to give him some things to work on.

I would rather AH not be anywhere on the property or even on this side of town. However until I decide to file for divorce I may not be able to enforce that. I can only, at this point, enforce what I can.

I agree that I need to make my boundries more restrictive because the way it is I am finding it affecting me more & messing with my serenity. He's trying to take more and more & I can't let me do that to me. Thats within my power to change.

Insulated, I can't even recall how many times I had to deal with peoples reaction while AH was merrily stoned, it was mortifying to say the least.

I don't even want to know what or how much he's taking, knowing what I know about him it's more than the 6 a day. Of that I would bet my house.

Good thing it's his problem now.

Hugs
Teggie

rayofsunshine

I saw a good quote on a church sign this week thats along similar lines of Actions, not words.

Winners make commitments, Losers make promises