iwantcontrol

I’m confused, I thought it was going so well. After a big drinking session last Friday, and us almost breaking up, he promised not to drink all week and to really focus on stopping for good (as I’ve written about in my post concerning trust). Well then he went and got ill on Monday and has been feeling ill since, although is getting better now. He said things were going well and he was even disappointed because he was ill and it is easier not to drink when ill – it sounded like he was motivated and up for the challenge of giving up.

I still though things were fine this morning – he has a few other issues going on at the moment and is stressed out, but we have been getting along great and I’ve told him how it would be brilliant if things could stay this way – i.e him stay off booze. It was only a short while ago that i called him (like I did yesterday) to see how he was feeling. He started talking about some of the issues that are stressing him out (when earlier he told me he didn’t want to discuss them until we saw each other tonight), so I carried on the conversation and said at the end of the day it is up to him what he decides to do about them and he doesn’t have to do what I think is best. Then his mood suddenly changes and he gets really angry and annoyed at me and basically hangs up. A few texts were exchanged and I got confused – he starts accusing me of almost tipping him over the edge, not respecting his decision not to talk about things right now, being on at him about stuff all the time and pretty much everything was my fault. He said he might drink and that maybe we shouldn’t meet up tonight – what a surprise. I told him that if he chooses drink over me tonight then we probably aren’t ever going to make it – to which i pretty much got ‘oh well’ as a response.

Does this sound like normal alcoholic behaviour? Just when I thought things were going well, he is slipping already. I actually don’t think i can go through him choosing alcohol over me again right now. But I don’t know that i’m strong enough to just let him get on with it either. I’ve been crying in the toilets at work over this already. I know I’d cave in when he chooses not to see me tonight and start begging. I don’t want to be that person who lets him treat me like that anymore, but I don’t know how to stop either. After last weekend if he fails this quickly I can’t just ignore it this time but where do i get the strength from? I’m still not over my last longterm relationship ending last year (he was not an A at all), and don’t think I can handle another breakup yet.

I don’t have many friends I see a lot and i couldn’t talk to them about this anyway. Noone knows the full extent of his behaviour and addiction, only really spoken about it truthfully on this forum, and then that’s not the entire story. I’m feeling really fragile and weak right now and I don’t know how to get strong enough to deal with this. I was so positive about it all earlier and I don’t understand how it changed so quickly and suddenly it was all my fault. I don’t want a boyfriend who treats me like I’m the best thing since sliced bread one minute, but I’m everything that’s wrong in his world the next.

nodaybut2day

Well, I'm no expert, but from my experience, yeah, it sounds "normal" for an alcoholic. Ups, downs, anger, frustration, blame blame blame...and you along for the ride. It's exhausting and confusing.

Cause you're on the alkie rollercoaster and you're not driving. You can, however, choose to get off this ride.

Trust your instincts. You know you want more than this. Sounds like you know you *deserve* better than this. What do you plan on doing about this newfound knowledge?

iwantcontrol

that's where i get stuck. i just don't see how to get the strength to do anything about it - i always think how good we can be and how nice he is sometimes. But that's just it, it is sometimes. I've given him the benefit of the doubt so many times and then when he's done the whole 'i feel so guilty, i'm sorry' thing i've been there and said everything will be ok. The thing that's changed for me is that if he doesn't do it this time I don't think he ever will, and i can't be around that. I just don't know how to stop it. Something won't let me leave him, and a big part of me doesn't want to yet. I hate this feeling.

He is just so self-absorbed. I am stressed myself, I have lots of crap things going on in my life apart from him. And what does he say to me when i tell him i'm worried or upset? That HE doesn't need my crap on top of his! HE can't cope with his own stuff and me whinging and on at him too. Well excuse me for having feelings and problems of my own.

Yet still I can't find the strength to end it.

Learn2Live

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Does this sound like normal alcoholic behaviour?

Yes. The more accurate term, though, would be "addictive thinking." The way he is thinking right now is completely irrational to us, but completely rational to the addict or alcoholic who is relapsing.

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I’ve been crying in the toilets at work over this already.

Sweetheart, you need to calm yourself down. Stop dramatizing it, stop awfulizing, stop with the absolutes ("This will NEVER work!"). Then ask yourself, what are you crying in the toilets at work for? Because:

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I actually don’t think i can go through him choosing alcohol over me again right now.

Sure you can. You can when you finally realize and accept that he is NOT choosing alcohol over YOU. He is choosing alcohol over NO ALCOHOL. How can he OWN his choice to drink (and therefore, OWN his choice NOT to drink) if you keep making it about YOU and your relationship? Let go of the idea that HIS alcoholism and his choices have ANYTHING to do with YOU please.

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But I don’t know that i’m strong enough to just let him get on with it either.

Yes you are.

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I can’t just ignore it this time but where do i get the strength from?

You can too just ignore it. You get the strength from focusing on YOU and what you can control.

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I’m still not over my last longterm relationship ending last year (he was not an A at all), and don’t think I can handle another breakup yet.

Sure you can.

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I don’t have many friends I see a lot and i couldn’t talk to them about this anyway.

Then go to Al-Anon. In fact, go to Al-Anon anyway. There you will make LOTS of friends you can talk about this to.

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I’m feeling really fragile and weak right now and I don’t know how to get strong enough to deal with this. I was so positive about it all earlier and I don’t understand how it changed so quickly

You feel fragile and weak because you let the disease change your thinking. Just change your thinking back to positive and strong. You do that by focusing on what is positive and good and strong in life and your life.

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I don’t want a boyfriend who treats me like I’m the best thing since sliced bread one minute, but I’m everything that’s wrong in his world the next.

Well then don't have a boyfriend who is alcoholic or drug-addicted. Focus on your strengths, being the best girl ever, and what the best BF ever looks, acts, smells, and behaves like.

Learn2Live

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Yet still I can't find the strength to end it.

Is it strength you lack? Really?
Or could it be motivation? Or courage? Or something else?
Do you just ASSUME it is strength because you FEEL weak? Does a feeling of weakness necessarily mean you are not strong, each and every time?
I don't think so. Sometimes when I feel weak, it is not because I am not a strong woman. Sometimes it is because I am just TIRED. Or RUN-DOWN. Or BEAT DOWN from the insanity of living with an alcoholic or drug addict. There are MANY reasons why we feel WEAK. It is not always because we are NOT STRONG. We limit ourselves by our automatic assumptions.

nodaybut2day

The thing that's changed for me is that if he doesn't do it this time I don't think he ever will, and i can't be around that.

This is an awesome realization. Knowledge is power. You don't have to jump up right away and act, but congratulate yourself for coming to this realization.

If you aren't ready to leave, don't beat yourself up over it. You're just not ready, and that's ok. When you are ready, things will just fall into place for you. Perhaps you can take some time away from him instead; you wouldn't be "leaving", you'd just be putting some distance between the two of you. It sounds like you really need a break! And since he "doesn't need your crap on top of his", then he could use the time apart too.

I can't remember...do you live together? If so, perhaps a few days away at a friend's or at your parents' place? If not, then perhaps a week of no contact to give yourself time and perspective? It may be very uncomfortable at first for both of you, but as much as he whines and complains, discomfort doesn't kill anybody.

*hugs* I think you're on the right path. You're seeing his quacking for what it is and you're acknowledging your need for time away from his drama.

iwantcontrol

Thanks, yes maybe some time apart would be useful. we don't live together so that could be worked out ok. No contact at all sounds really hard - and scary, but i'm not sure why it scares me so much. How pathetic. I was so convinced he'd at least make it a week without drinking - looks like his problem really is bigger than we both thought. I don't think he's gone a week without drinking since i met him - wow, i'd never thought of it like that before.

It does feel like he is choosing alcohol over our relationship becuase we can't go on while he is drinking, but he isn't choosing to get rid of alcohol. Therefore he is choosing alcohol over our relationship. It's not easy but he can choose not to drink and to get into recovery, but it seems he isn't.

iwantcontrol

by the way, thanks for calming me down and helping me put it in perspective. I tend to make things way bigger than they need to be.

nodaybut2day

It's probably going to be hard, at first at least, because you are so used to being emeshed in his life, his drama, his choices. He's your drug and you're going to have to "wean" off him. I lived like that for 5 years, and didn't think it could be any other way. What an eye-opener when I finally spent some time alone; before long I couldn't get enough!

Perhaps you can make a project out of it...plan activities for yourself every single day of your week apart (i.e. movie with a friend, get a manicure, go to the gym, go discover a new shop you've been eyeing, go to a new funky coffee shop and treat yourself to a yummy desert, try a yoga class, go on a date with YOURSELF!). The busier you are, less you'll think about him. Yes, you'll be tempted to call, email, text, visit, but knowing this, take steps to enforce no contact. Perhaps take the battery out of your cell, don't turn on the computer and avoid his calls.

A week is a very short time but a nice gift to give yourself. He'll still be around afterwards. He's a big boy.

Therefore he is choosing alcohol over our relationship.

Yep, you're bang on there.

iwantcontrol

thank you so much. i will give that some serious thought. If i decide i'm not quite ready to have a week no contact that is ok, becasue i will do it when i'm ready. If he drinks tonight or the next time he does (in case he hasn't broken his promise yet and i'm completely over reacting) i think i wil have the week to myself. It probably will be liberating in a way and i can already think of things to try to fill my time. Thank you so much for being there and saying it's ok to do things in my own time - you really have helped me a lot today.

nodaybut2day

That's what's so great about SR: you learn something and pass it on to someone who passes it onto the next person and so on and so forth.

Yep, give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself; you've got lots on your plate. Trust in HP to show you the way.

FindingPeace1

One thing I have heard on here is: don't set your alcoholic up for a promise they can't keep (which is really setting yourself up to be let down). I did this EXACT thing with my AH. He said he would quit. I got hopeful. He started drinking again. I was hurt and outraged.

They are alcoholics. They drink. They say they will quit. They don't. They lie about drinking. Ad infinitum. It's what they do.
Now, I admit, its super sad to switch from beliving my husband, to accepting he is GOING to drink. He is GOING to lie.
It feels so give-up-y. It feels so sad.
But its true. (OH! The truth hurts!)

And quitting without help is nigh impossible. So, saying they will quit without help is just a way to keep us hanging on.

I hear your self critical talk and know that well, too. That is a GREAT place to start for how to change your life. For me, I use therapy and affirmations and meditation. I practice listening to my thoughts as a neutral observer. When I hear mean talk (eg. I'm pathetic) I have a little talk with myself.
The way I see it, we are many people. We are scared little kids and strong professionals and wise, experienced women. The one that self-criticizes and feels weak is probably a little kid that didn't have much power in her life. So I use the wise woman that is powerful to put that little kid on her knee and say, "You can let go now. You can stop feeling scared. I'm here and I am going to take care of things. You're not pathetic. You'r sad and scared and that's okay. But I am a resource of strength and self-love and I will take over from here."

It's like you have an orchestra of people without a director and when you feel weak, there is a person in you that feels weak that is playing their horn so loud, no other instrument can be heard. Once you get a director in there to take charge and ask that one that feels weak to pipe down, your other hidden strengths will rise and you will have more harmony in your life!

coffeedrinker

you are doing what most of us have also done. so, right (noday), don't beat yourself up about it. move forward, not backward. right now you are in limbo.

i'd like to add my voice to the chorus the suggestion to start going to al-anon. why is it that you haven't yet done that? (no need to answer ME, just yourself.)

he also needs a support system. as "wife" stated, it is almost impossible to just white-knuckle through the quitting and stay there. the odds are way, way stacked against this. (also, what "they" do often)

can he go to rehab? can he do "90 meetings in 90 days" ? he needs to immerse himself to get sober, and THAT is the environment in which he will learn not to blame you for his failings, nor look to you for his assistance. not your role.

also:
i know how we co's can get. (me anyway) i have done my share of following around, asking a lot of questions, sticking my nose into the other one's recovery. in my head i hear the question "how ya doing?" in a soft voice, filled with concern, compassion, and affection. i think, though, to be fair, sometimes "he" hears it as naggy, whiney, sticking my nose in too far something that's not really my place. and if he is not drinking, his feelings are exposed, he is raw, he is living a way that he's simply not accustomed to. cut him some slack, give him a break. as much as you and i know that you love him and are concerned (fearful), just back off sometimes. he tried to tell you he didn't want to talk, then he gave in for whatever reason. next time, believe him.

we do all or nothings. but try not to; it's not productive.

i hope i didn't sound harsh! please hear what i'm saying with the softness that was intended.

peace,

ItsmeAlice

Does this sound like normal alcoholic behaviour?

IMO, yes.

He wanted a drink and wanted an excuse to get there. He set you up and got his excuse.

That is what I became in my relationship with my XABF...an excuse. When he ran out of excuses, I was his reason for drinking, though his drinking began long before me. If he didn't want to go out to a planned event because he'd rather stay home and drink, he set up a fight by picking at me until I blew up. If he wanted me to buy him beer and cigarrettes, he accused me of harboring all of his money and how he worked hard and got nothing. When I bought the beer he would accuse me of creating his habit by having alcohol in the house.

I don’t want to be that person who lets him treat me like that anymore, but I don’t know how to stop either.

I'm going to give you some tough love here...I venture to guess you do know how to stop just as he knows how to stop drinking. Whether either of you choose to stop is a whole other question.

You stop this roller coaster by shutting off the engine driving it... your contact with him. Until you are both actively recovering from this relationship/addiction, it is not healthy for him to manipulate you and for you to be his crutch to fall on.

It's time to get to an Al-Anon meeting and get some focus on yourself and make the healthy choices for you. Let him sort out his recovery and not use you this way anymore.

Hugs.

Alice

spinner

Yup, sounds just like my A too. He's sober for almost 3 years now and he's still like that.

When my mother was dying he disappeared because he didn't want to "jeopardize his recovery". No support for me. Recently he discovered that in recovery he has to actually sit down and face his problems instead of running away from anything unpleasant! Wow, what a revelation!

I broke up with him but still have contact as a "friend". That's not going so well and I may just not choose to not see him at all. He's just too weird. Keeps trying to grope me every time he sees me and tells me repeatedly how good it would be for me to have sex with him. Ick!

Yeah, it's hard to let go but your life will be a lot more pleasant with him.

Spinner

iwantcontrol

Thanks to you all for your wise words. I do appreciate them. I can see exactly what you mean by me not being able to give up my addiction to him, the same way as he can’t give up alcohol – it helps to see it that way. It turns out that I did him a slight disservice yesterday because he didn’t drink (I don’t think so anyway). He says he is just really stressed about an issue he has at the moment and I think he is very irritable due to alcohol withdrawal and depression (but he didn’t like my opinion).

I definitely need to cut him some slack and stop asking how he is all the time. I don’t want to get too complacent at the moment, as thats what i tend to do when he goes a few days without alcohol – you are right about setting myself up for a fall. I put too much pressure on him not to drink, but then again, if he was truly serious about giving up, that pressure wouldn’t matter because he would be so determined. I shall see what happens today and over the weekend – if he makes it through today then that is progress.

I know I will need to use all your advice and will probably have to go ‘no contact’ next time he drinks and is horrible. I’m hoping his counselling will start soon and that maybe he is thinking about other ways to help himself get through it. I am going to look into Al-anon meetings in my area too.

iwantcontrol

Also, I wanted to add that it seems his big answer to how to stop drinking in the long term is to get back to work. He is still signed off because of his mental health issues, but wants to return to work as soon as he finds something. He seems to think that if he wasn’t home all day and hanging about in that lifestyle with other alkies etc in his area, that he would be OK and wouldn’t be drinking like he has been.

While I can see his point, I just don’t think it is going to be a magical transformation like that – it would eliminate daytime drinking in the week but there are still evenings and weekends. He sometimes manages to convince me that a job will solve everything – I just need a reality check – it won’t solve his alcohol-dependency will it? Even if he is only drinking through boredom and depression?

coffeedrinker

Eliminating drinking during the day just puts him in position to make up for it at night. The disease of alcoholism is progressive. Just like anything we acquire an addiction to, you eventually start to need more to achieve the effect. Truly halting the use, and then learning other coping skills in what's in order.

No, work will not solve the dependency problem. If you think about it, how does that make sense? He is not drinking because of boredom, or any reason other than he is an addict. Once that dependency is created and sustained, that is the reason.

Insulated

I don't know about you, but I'd been burned so many times, that the whole benefit of doubt became null & void. Benefit of Doubt is something that has to be earned in these toxic relationships. It was a gift that I was giving him. After unsuccessful rehab and even more lies, I retracted the benefit of doubt option. He didn't deserve it! I didn't feel obligated to give it to him either.

LaTeeDa

It goes the other way, too. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink and putting pressure on him not to doesn't matter. It's his choice and you have no control over it--either way.

L