I need assurance that leaving is the right thing to do...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 3
I need assurance that leaving is the right thing to do...
And so often, friends and family are reluctant to tell me I should go.
I do not have an addiction to alcohol. (A psychological one to cigarettes and junk food when I'm depressed, I do have. But I'm not so worried about dealing with that right now. Its time is coming.)
However, I believe my son's father is an alcoholic. He isn't necessarily mean (although he's kind of abrasive in nature), but he drinks almost every day. Yesterday was our four year anniversary and I've been talking about leaving for awhile. He knows I've got a new living arrangement lined up and that as soon as it's possible, I am going. Our son is going with me but will spend about half of his time still with his dad. I don't want to take that away from him because he is a loving father and appreciates his son as the best thing in his life. Our son loves his daddy.
I am scared of the possibility that he cannot take care of his responsibilities though. He's never gotten drunk or even drank at all and driven with our son in the vehicle. He has drank to the point of not being easy to wake, though, and that's scary. I really think that he will see the opportunity to keep his son close and try his best to make the nights he is here the less-alcohol nights. He does have those. Some nights he'll only have a few beers, which is nicer than a 12-pack but I still get tired of it being the first thing I hear when he walks in the door...*pop*. I get tired of smelling it all of the time (and I even like beer!).
At first, I thought I was thinking so diligently about leaving because of other issues. Now I consider alcohol the root of all these problems, whereas before, I thought they were my actual deal breakers with my man. Since I've realized that these problems are possibly only the leaves on the tree that is growing out of alcoholism and depression, I have tried to focus on that root and tell him I really hope he gets help. I ask him if he thinks he's an alcoholic and he now admits he thinks he's borderline but I don't know if he's just placating me. At least he's thinking about it though and I tell him that I know it's very scary to think about admitting it because then he has to look at quitting, which is truly a terrifying concept to him, I am sure. I want to share with you all how it has affected his life and is subsequently affecting mine and my son's also.
These things...in the beginning, we hardly knew one another when I got pregnant. I began living with him and three months in a row one of the utilities was cut off. His parents bailed him out all three times. I was scared and embarrassed and nearly left then. But I stayed. I am glad that I did though, I feel now as if I have done all that I can to try to help him. I have been less than perfect in this relationship too though. He complains that I hardly clean (which is not entirely true) and he has to come home from work and clean so he doesn't have time for other stuff. The truth is, it's difficult to take pride in my home and I'm going to tell you why. His parents gave him this house. They gave him his car. He feels more like he was owed that for them not being emotionally or physically accessible to him as a child instead of appreciating and taking care of what he has been given. His vehicle hasn't had an oil change in about a year and a half. The house has numerous holes in the foundation. There is a large tree out back near the house that I have wanted to get cut back for two years but he argues that it's a "big, healthy tree." I guess he didn't want to spend that money on it...and there was recently a wind storm that brought a large branch down on the roof. It may not have done any damage yet, but it could have and it still can since it is still up there. There's a window that's been busted for years, tons of old trash in the basement with the mold, a ridiculously overgrown garden (we even got a notice from the county about THEM taking it down at our expense), a couple of different leaks in the roof...you get the point. He has hardly cared about maintenance on his property. He even neglected opening his mail or insuring his property until I began taking care of those things. In addition to the property, he doesn't take good care of himself. He is only 33 and hasn't been to the doctor in countless years. His teeth are visibly in horrible condition and a couple are even missing and he refuses to go to a dentist, claiming he is afraid of the pain. He's even needed new glasses for a long time and he puts that off. Poor guy doesn't have insurance, I'll bet you're thinking...WRONG! He does have insurance and it's decent. His parents made him get it and he's never, ever used it. When we met, we spoke of things we loved. His passions are all muted though. He used to write, paint, draw, fish a lot...even the fishing has suffered really, which is weird. He is beginning to paint again with our son, which is great to see because he's quite good.
In addition to wanting to keep my son in a good relationship with his father, I also don't really have affordable help anyway. My mother is close and used to help but I've been having to take care of her lately since she is bipolar and diabetic among many other health issues. This has also put extra stress on me and the relationship. It has kind of taught me that I don't want to be taking care of someone for the rest of my life, be it my mom or my son's father. I want a partnership to feel like one. We have worked it out these past three years that he goes to work and when he gets home to be with our son, then I go to school. I am a senior now and intend to continue on for my Master's degree. I need his help and I really don't want to devastate him or my son. I will if I need to or have to because my son comes first and I will ensure his safety, but I want to see if he can take care of himself better without me.
That's kind of why I have been reading here. Most posts have said that it's right to leave. That I really have no other choice. I feel that way. I am not happy in this. I used to wait for him to come home and now I kind of wish he would go to the bar after work. I am afraid because I haven't worked in awhile but I get financial aid to help some and I found a fantastic deal. I am afraid of not getting to spend as much time with my son.
Luckily, this guy is very smart and he has been very supportive although it's sad for him. He is also afraid of not getting to see our son but I told him as long as he is responsible that he will see him plenty. He has to start paying the bills and not drink so often when the kid is here. I will check in on that when I get the chance and will send other family and friends to do the same. I have to be sure. I will make it clear that it isn't him and his love for our son that I don't trust, it's the disease. We both have wonderful families who are very supportive.
His parents are who actually started this. After he told them I was planning to leave, they wanted to come and talk to us about counseling. They were even planning to foot the bill for us, which is nice, but that wasn't the issue. Two days later, on their way here, his mom called me. She said that I was right to leave and that she had researched alcoholism and that she and his father believed he was an alcoholic. She brought us information she printed about "the frog in the pot" and my getting out and about "functional alcoholics," which is something he points to when defending himself. They talked to both of us, together and separately. They offered to split their time between their home and here if he decided to get help so they could help him with bills and their grandson. It is something none of us can force though, but it meant so much that they were finally facing the fact that he has the disease. I had been protecting and enabling for too long, mostly because I didn't know if there would be any support. We both come from families who remain families even after divorce (mostly anyway) because they have to love their kids even if they don't belong together. I think we can be good at that.
I don't know if I'd want to be together if he got help. I know that if he did and I did want to be with him, that I would no longer drink at all to support him. However, I don't want to be the martyr and I don't want to spend my life wishing I were somewhere else. I want to move on. I am currently still living here and planning my move, but I need to get out as soon as possible. I just keep reaching out for more and more support because I'm a person who needs that...I need someone to tell me this is the right thing to do. Maybe there are some suggestions on what to do for my son during this. I ache for him but I do believe that I can make a positive life and role model for him.
Please respond. I need the reassurance. It's hard to love someone like this and I would like to get out before I hate him and myself for staying. I know too many people who have wasted their lives waiting for someone to change. It changes them...into bitter bitches and uncaring assholes. Excuse my language, but it's true.
I want to be full of life and energy and take the best I can from this short time I have. I want to look back and have no regrets, and right now I have none. I have learned from all of this and gained a beautiful son and whole other family and friends. I want to be whole. Learning and changing is what makes life so beautiful to me and what makes nothing worth regretting. It's when one remains stagnant that regrets really form...I don't have time for that.
I know it may sound like I know what's up, but I really need to hear it from someone who knows what I'm talking about or has been there. Or maybe I'm wrong, but I somehow doubt that...Help! And thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. Please let me know what you think.
I do not have an addiction to alcohol. (A psychological one to cigarettes and junk food when I'm depressed, I do have. But I'm not so worried about dealing with that right now. Its time is coming.)
However, I believe my son's father is an alcoholic. He isn't necessarily mean (although he's kind of abrasive in nature), but he drinks almost every day. Yesterday was our four year anniversary and I've been talking about leaving for awhile. He knows I've got a new living arrangement lined up and that as soon as it's possible, I am going. Our son is going with me but will spend about half of his time still with his dad. I don't want to take that away from him because he is a loving father and appreciates his son as the best thing in his life. Our son loves his daddy.
I am scared of the possibility that he cannot take care of his responsibilities though. He's never gotten drunk or even drank at all and driven with our son in the vehicle. He has drank to the point of not being easy to wake, though, and that's scary. I really think that he will see the opportunity to keep his son close and try his best to make the nights he is here the less-alcohol nights. He does have those. Some nights he'll only have a few beers, which is nicer than a 12-pack but I still get tired of it being the first thing I hear when he walks in the door...*pop*. I get tired of smelling it all of the time (and I even like beer!).
At first, I thought I was thinking so diligently about leaving because of other issues. Now I consider alcohol the root of all these problems, whereas before, I thought they were my actual deal breakers with my man. Since I've realized that these problems are possibly only the leaves on the tree that is growing out of alcoholism and depression, I have tried to focus on that root and tell him I really hope he gets help. I ask him if he thinks he's an alcoholic and he now admits he thinks he's borderline but I don't know if he's just placating me. At least he's thinking about it though and I tell him that I know it's very scary to think about admitting it because then he has to look at quitting, which is truly a terrifying concept to him, I am sure. I want to share with you all how it has affected his life and is subsequently affecting mine and my son's also.
These things...in the beginning, we hardly knew one another when I got pregnant. I began living with him and three months in a row one of the utilities was cut off. His parents bailed him out all three times. I was scared and embarrassed and nearly left then. But I stayed. I am glad that I did though, I feel now as if I have done all that I can to try to help him. I have been less than perfect in this relationship too though. He complains that I hardly clean (which is not entirely true) and he has to come home from work and clean so he doesn't have time for other stuff. The truth is, it's difficult to take pride in my home and I'm going to tell you why. His parents gave him this house. They gave him his car. He feels more like he was owed that for them not being emotionally or physically accessible to him as a child instead of appreciating and taking care of what he has been given. His vehicle hasn't had an oil change in about a year and a half. The house has numerous holes in the foundation. There is a large tree out back near the house that I have wanted to get cut back for two years but he argues that it's a "big, healthy tree." I guess he didn't want to spend that money on it...and there was recently a wind storm that brought a large branch down on the roof. It may not have done any damage yet, but it could have and it still can since it is still up there. There's a window that's been busted for years, tons of old trash in the basement with the mold, a ridiculously overgrown garden (we even got a notice from the county about THEM taking it down at our expense), a couple of different leaks in the roof...you get the point. He has hardly cared about maintenance on his property. He even neglected opening his mail or insuring his property until I began taking care of those things. In addition to the property, he doesn't take good care of himself. He is only 33 and hasn't been to the doctor in countless years. His teeth are visibly in horrible condition and a couple are even missing and he refuses to go to a dentist, claiming he is afraid of the pain. He's even needed new glasses for a long time and he puts that off. Poor guy doesn't have insurance, I'll bet you're thinking...WRONG! He does have insurance and it's decent. His parents made him get it and he's never, ever used it. When we met, we spoke of things we loved. His passions are all muted though. He used to write, paint, draw, fish a lot...even the fishing has suffered really, which is weird. He is beginning to paint again with our son, which is great to see because he's quite good.
In addition to wanting to keep my son in a good relationship with his father, I also don't really have affordable help anyway. My mother is close and used to help but I've been having to take care of her lately since she is bipolar and diabetic among many other health issues. This has also put extra stress on me and the relationship. It has kind of taught me that I don't want to be taking care of someone for the rest of my life, be it my mom or my son's father. I want a partnership to feel like one. We have worked it out these past three years that he goes to work and when he gets home to be with our son, then I go to school. I am a senior now and intend to continue on for my Master's degree. I need his help and I really don't want to devastate him or my son. I will if I need to or have to because my son comes first and I will ensure his safety, but I want to see if he can take care of himself better without me.
That's kind of why I have been reading here. Most posts have said that it's right to leave. That I really have no other choice. I feel that way. I am not happy in this. I used to wait for him to come home and now I kind of wish he would go to the bar after work. I am afraid because I haven't worked in awhile but I get financial aid to help some and I found a fantastic deal. I am afraid of not getting to spend as much time with my son.
Luckily, this guy is very smart and he has been very supportive although it's sad for him. He is also afraid of not getting to see our son but I told him as long as he is responsible that he will see him plenty. He has to start paying the bills and not drink so often when the kid is here. I will check in on that when I get the chance and will send other family and friends to do the same. I have to be sure. I will make it clear that it isn't him and his love for our son that I don't trust, it's the disease. We both have wonderful families who are very supportive.
His parents are who actually started this. After he told them I was planning to leave, they wanted to come and talk to us about counseling. They were even planning to foot the bill for us, which is nice, but that wasn't the issue. Two days later, on their way here, his mom called me. She said that I was right to leave and that she had researched alcoholism and that she and his father believed he was an alcoholic. She brought us information she printed about "the frog in the pot" and my getting out and about "functional alcoholics," which is something he points to when defending himself. They talked to both of us, together and separately. They offered to split their time between their home and here if he decided to get help so they could help him with bills and their grandson. It is something none of us can force though, but it meant so much that they were finally facing the fact that he has the disease. I had been protecting and enabling for too long, mostly because I didn't know if there would be any support. We both come from families who remain families even after divorce (mostly anyway) because they have to love their kids even if they don't belong together. I think we can be good at that.
I don't know if I'd want to be together if he got help. I know that if he did and I did want to be with him, that I would no longer drink at all to support him. However, I don't want to be the martyr and I don't want to spend my life wishing I were somewhere else. I want to move on. I am currently still living here and planning my move, but I need to get out as soon as possible. I just keep reaching out for more and more support because I'm a person who needs that...I need someone to tell me this is the right thing to do. Maybe there are some suggestions on what to do for my son during this. I ache for him but I do believe that I can make a positive life and role model for him.
Please respond. I need the reassurance. It's hard to love someone like this and I would like to get out before I hate him and myself for staying. I know too many people who have wasted their lives waiting for someone to change. It changes them...into bitter bitches and uncaring assholes. Excuse my language, but it's true.
I want to be full of life and energy and take the best I can from this short time I have. I want to look back and have no regrets, and right now I have none. I have learned from all of this and gained a beautiful son and whole other family and friends. I want to be whole. Learning and changing is what makes life so beautiful to me and what makes nothing worth regretting. It's when one remains stagnant that regrets really form...I don't have time for that.
I know it may sound like I know what's up, but I really need to hear it from someone who knows what I'm talking about or has been there. Or maybe I'm wrong, but I somehow doubt that...Help! And thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. Please let me know what you think.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Welcome Smart but Scared. I am glad you found us. Many people find wisdom and understanding in all the posts. I know I did.
Gosh, I can't answer your question....I wish I could. I only know that it took me a long time to come to my decision. I found myself in crisis and crawled into an Alanon meeting. I then found a counselor versed in addiction and she was invaluable. I also started reading everything I could about alcoholism, codependency, and I went back to church.
Basically I worked on myself....I put my oxygen mask on first so i could help the children. I am still a work in progress but the good days out number the bad now.
More will be along. Again welcome.
Gosh, I can't answer your question....I wish I could. I only know that it took me a long time to come to my decision. I found myself in crisis and crawled into an Alanon meeting. I then found a counselor versed in addiction and she was invaluable. I also started reading everything I could about alcoholism, codependency, and I went back to church.
Basically I worked on myself....I put my oxygen mask on first so i could help the children. I am still a work in progress but the good days out number the bad now.
More will be along. Again welcome.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Welcome!
Seems to me that you know what you want, you just want someone to tell you that it is okay. Well, I will tell you that wanting a better life for yourself and your son is okay, how you go about it is up to you. I left my exah,not because I wanted to, but because I wanted better for my children, I have 3 with my ex. I will tell you that it has been a long hard road, I lean on Allanon SR and most of all my family and friends. I sold my home,went on food stamps and public assistance, went back to school and now I'm working full time and supporting myself... It is a long road but I feel great. 2 of my children have a relationship with their father 1 does not, (she is 19 & has made this her choice). The bottom line is that it is your choice to leave.. sounds like you have great support. Good luck and again welcome.
Seems to me that you know what you want, you just want someone to tell you that it is okay. Well, I will tell you that wanting a better life for yourself and your son is okay, how you go about it is up to you. I left my exah,not because I wanted to, but because I wanted better for my children, I have 3 with my ex. I will tell you that it has been a long hard road, I lean on Allanon SR and most of all my family and friends. I sold my home,went on food stamps and public assistance, went back to school and now I'm working full time and supporting myself... It is a long road but I feel great. 2 of my children have a relationship with their father 1 does not, (she is 19 & has made this her choice). The bottom line is that it is your choice to leave.. sounds like you have great support. Good luck and again welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Oh, your story is so similar to mine. I didn't know my former husband very well either when I got pregnant and we got married. He has several artistic talents and a history of depression and alcohol abuse too. (And at one point I finally took his car for an oil change: the guys at the quickie-lube station told me it had 1 quart left in it.)
I wish I had some useful advice, but all I can say is try not to feel pressured to stay or to go, from without or within. I'm not married to my daughter's dad anymore... in some ways I'm relieved and in some ways I'm sorry. I do still love him and I've come to terms with that. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong thing to do-- there's only the best you can do with the information you have at the time. You always have a choice. You'll know what's right for you when the time comes... it isn't necessary to force yourself down one path or another.
I'm not saying my marriage would have survived, I know the odds weren't good. But getting a divorce caused as many problems as it solved. The solutions to the problems I faced when I was with my ex husband came from changing myself and learning to deal with my own life, not from the divorce itself. Make sense? If I'd known then that I could have made myself happy under my own power, it would have taken a lot of pressure off my marriage. For example: After he moved out I fixed up our formerly ratty, run down house-- interior paint, new carpet, new tile, decorations for the walls. Afterward he actually complimented me on how good it looked. I realized that nothing had stopped me from doing that when he was here, except my own paralysis. It wasn't him, it was me.
Good luck
I wish I had some useful advice, but all I can say is try not to feel pressured to stay or to go, from without or within. I'm not married to my daughter's dad anymore... in some ways I'm relieved and in some ways I'm sorry. I do still love him and I've come to terms with that. I'm not sure there is a right or wrong thing to do-- there's only the best you can do with the information you have at the time. You always have a choice. You'll know what's right for you when the time comes... it isn't necessary to force yourself down one path or another.
I'm not saying my marriage would have survived, I know the odds weren't good. But getting a divorce caused as many problems as it solved. The solutions to the problems I faced when I was with my ex husband came from changing myself and learning to deal with my own life, not from the divorce itself. Make sense? If I'd known then that I could have made myself happy under my own power, it would have taken a lot of pressure off my marriage. For example: After he moved out I fixed up our formerly ratty, run down house-- interior paint, new carpet, new tile, decorations for the walls. Afterward he actually complimented me on how good it looked. I realized that nothing had stopped me from doing that when he was here, except my own paralysis. It wasn't him, it was me.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Smartbutscared and WELCOME TO SR!
I'm so glad you found this place. The people here are wonderfully supportive.
You sound a lot like where I felt I was when I found SR. I think I was already ripe to leave, ripe for change in my life, but I just needed to know that I wasn't crazy for wanting to leave my husband. Eventually, I realize that it didn't matter what *kind* of alcoholic he was, it didn't matter what sort of psychological disease I diagnosed him with...the fact of the matter was: I was unhappy and wanted more for myself and for my daughter.
I sounds like you are in the same place. Wanting more and wanting happiness is no crime! These days people divorce for a lot less. I'm not saying that those divorces are "right", but when you look at a relationship where one partner is unhappy, it only stands to reason that the partnership cannot survive. If you love this man but don't want to be married to him, then the most loving thing you can do for him is give him the opportunity to find love and happiness elsewhere.
Regarding your son...have you considered requiring your husband to be sober a full 12 hours before he cares for him? When you do leave, you will need to draft some kind of custody agreement, and it would be safer if you included some kind of "sobriety clause" to protect your son from his father's alcoholism.
*hugs* Keep posting!
I'm so glad you found this place. The people here are wonderfully supportive.
You sound a lot like where I felt I was when I found SR. I think I was already ripe to leave, ripe for change in my life, but I just needed to know that I wasn't crazy for wanting to leave my husband. Eventually, I realize that it didn't matter what *kind* of alcoholic he was, it didn't matter what sort of psychological disease I diagnosed him with...the fact of the matter was: I was unhappy and wanted more for myself and for my daughter.
I sounds like you are in the same place. Wanting more and wanting happiness is no crime! These days people divorce for a lot less. I'm not saying that those divorces are "right", but when you look at a relationship where one partner is unhappy, it only stands to reason that the partnership cannot survive. If you love this man but don't want to be married to him, then the most loving thing you can do for him is give him the opportunity to find love and happiness elsewhere.
Regarding your son...have you considered requiring your husband to be sober a full 12 hours before he cares for him? When you do leave, you will need to draft some kind of custody agreement, and it would be safer if you included some kind of "sobriety clause" to protect your son from his father's alcoholism.
*hugs* Keep posting!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
And so often, friends and family are reluctant to tell me I should go.
I want to move on.
I am currently still living here and planning my move, but I need to get out as soon as possible.
I just keep reaching out for more and more support because I'm a person who needs that...
I need someone to tell me this is the right thing to do.
My perspective? There is no "right" and there is no "wrong" other than morality. There is only what there is, and you either accept it or you don't. You can accept what it really is, examine it objectively, ask yourself "What do I want?" and "What is the healthy and moral thing to do?" and then take the appropriate steps in response.
Or don't.
If you do, that's your decision and if you don't, that's your decision too. ONLY YOU can make this decision. And ONLY YOU can make the choice to act on it or not.
Leap and the net will appear.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I could have written a lot of this post myself, and I know what feeling you're describing when you say things like you're a person who needs a lot of support, and that you just want someone to tell you that leaving is the right thing to do. I feel that way a LOT myself. The problem is, it frequently doesn't help. One thing that HAS helped me very much though is my counselor. He is a Christian counselor, and I don't even consider myself Christian really, but it has been helpful to me to get his perspective on things because sometimes I feel like, "Well, if a Christian counselor is telling me it's OK to have left, it's OK to not take him back, then it must be true that it's not morally wrong to do so."
If you still think permission to leave would make you feel better, let me just also say....you have permission to leave. It is OK to put your own needs first. It does sound to me like it would be very hard to get your needs met in this relationship. It does sound like your bf is not much of a partner, and that you would be happier being on your own, free to seek someone who IS more of a partner. But I think you already know all that. It is OK to believe it, and believe in yourself. It doesn't make you bad or disloyal.
Also, while in a way I envy you that your bf has a family that supports him so thoroughly (a big part of my guilt surrounding my XAH was due to the fact that he didn't have much family support and NO friend support so I felt like he "only had me") it does sound to me like their enabling has really sort of crippled him too, and I have a feeling he will have no motivation to truly change until they stop "helping" so much.
If you still think permission to leave would make you feel better, let me just also say....you have permission to leave. It is OK to put your own needs first. It does sound to me like it would be very hard to get your needs met in this relationship. It does sound like your bf is not much of a partner, and that you would be happier being on your own, free to seek someone who IS more of a partner. But I think you already know all that. It is OK to believe it, and believe in yourself. It doesn't make you bad or disloyal.
Also, while in a way I envy you that your bf has a family that supports him so thoroughly (a big part of my guilt surrounding my XAH was due to the fact that he didn't have much family support and NO friend support so I felt like he "only had me") it does sound to me like their enabling has really sort of crippled him too, and I have a feeling he will have no motivation to truly change until they stop "helping" so much.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Hi! Welcome!
You are smart but scared! You're doing just fine!
I admire your clarity of thought.
As has been said, the work, it seems, for you is to TRUST yourself.
You know what you want and need.
You know what is making you happy and unhappy.
You know what you want.
You are FAR ahead of the game, in my opinion.
The last step is to just trust that you can trust yourself.
And you can.
You are smart but scared! You're doing just fine!
I admire your clarity of thought.
As has been said, the work, it seems, for you is to TRUST yourself.
You know what you want and need.
You know what is making you happy and unhappy.
You know what you want.
You are FAR ahead of the game, in my opinion.
The last step is to just trust that you can trust yourself.
And you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 3
You all are wonderful and I am also really glad I found this place. I am going out to run some errands with my son and get some things together, but I want to reply to some things you have said later when I have sufficient time.
Thank you so much! I feel empowered today knowing that I can share with people who have similar experience and have fought to find their way, just as I intend to do! I do have an incredible support network of family and friends and am grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like their support is unconditional because they love me so much and they may not have dealt with similar issues. Apparently everyone around us is like, "Duh, we've known he's an alcoholic forever." I hate these words that have a stigma and silence attached to them and have been considering starting a campus organization to help support those who have dealt with issues concerning the "taboo" things that many won't discuss, ie. alcoholism, mental illness, molestation, rape, race issues, sexual orientation, etc.
To all of you- Thank you and I hope you have a lovely day
And by the way, something to chew on till I return- The first post I read here was about leaving an alcoholic and I was so inspired that most of the girl's replies were along these lines..."It's not your fault. You cannot change him. Leaving is ok. It's not about him not loving you, it's about his disease." And I guess that's where I was coming from asking someone to tell me I was ok to do this. I finally had decided that I was going to stick with someone through thick and thin...but it turns out that the thick of alcoholism is that it will never, ever change unless the alcoholic wants it. I am powerless to change him. I am powerless to help him even, until he wants to help himself. All I can do is be honest and take my power and use it for my own well-being
I also use others' advice (or psychic readings, tarot card readings...etc, I've had one of each in my life) as a tool to aid with insight to my own true desires because it's all about interpretation.
Learn2Live...You are correct, I already know all of these things. As I'm sure you know since you are here, we all have weak and scary days sometimes. I am glad to have your tough love
And input from all of you! I am excited to get back later and reply to each of you! Please know that all of this helps so much, whether I really NEED it or just WANT it hahaha.
I'm also excited to be able to relate and encourage others when I get my head straight. What a nice site. Ok, enough! Gotta run...
Thank you so much! I feel empowered today knowing that I can share with people who have similar experience and have fought to find their way, just as I intend to do! I do have an incredible support network of family and friends and am grateful for that, but sometimes I feel like their support is unconditional because they love me so much and they may not have dealt with similar issues. Apparently everyone around us is like, "Duh, we've known he's an alcoholic forever." I hate these words that have a stigma and silence attached to them and have been considering starting a campus organization to help support those who have dealt with issues concerning the "taboo" things that many won't discuss, ie. alcoholism, mental illness, molestation, rape, race issues, sexual orientation, etc.
To all of you- Thank you and I hope you have a lovely day
And by the way, something to chew on till I return- The first post I read here was about leaving an alcoholic and I was so inspired that most of the girl's replies were along these lines..."It's not your fault. You cannot change him. Leaving is ok. It's not about him not loving you, it's about his disease." And I guess that's where I was coming from asking someone to tell me I was ok to do this. I finally had decided that I was going to stick with someone through thick and thin...but it turns out that the thick of alcoholism is that it will never, ever change unless the alcoholic wants it. I am powerless to change him. I am powerless to help him even, until he wants to help himself. All I can do is be honest and take my power and use it for my own well-being
I also use others' advice (or psychic readings, tarot card readings...etc, I've had one of each in my life) as a tool to aid with insight to my own true desires because it's all about interpretation.
Learn2Live...You are correct, I already know all of these things. As I'm sure you know since you are here, we all have weak and scary days sometimes. I am glad to have your tough love
And input from all of you! I am excited to get back later and reply to each of you! Please know that all of this helps so much, whether I really NEED it or just WANT it hahaha.
I'm also excited to be able to relate and encourage others when I get my head straight. What a nice site. Ok, enough! Gotta run...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Smart quote: (( It's hard to love someone like this and I would like to get out before I hate him and myself for staying. I know too many people who have wasted their lives waiting for someone to change. It changes them...into bitter bitches and uncaring assholes. Excuse my language, but it's true.
I want to be full of life and energy and take the best I can from this short time I have. I want to look back and have no regrets, and right now I have none. I have learned from all of this and gained a beautiful son and whole other family and friends. I want to be whole. Learning and changing is what makes life so beautiful to me and what makes nothing worth regretting. It's when one remains stagnant that regrets really form...I don't have time for that. ))
So which of these is what YOU WANT?
Now do what you need to to achieve your dreams.
God bless
I want to be full of life and energy and take the best I can from this short time I have. I want to look back and have no regrets, and right now I have none. I have learned from all of this and gained a beautiful son and whole other family and friends. I want to be whole. Learning and changing is what makes life so beautiful to me and what makes nothing worth regretting. It's when one remains stagnant that regrets really form...I don't have time for that. ))
So which of these is what YOU WANT?
Now do what you need to to achieve your dreams.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 3
I hate to generically thank you all with the click of a button But I mean it truthfully. And I truthfully feel really good about the thank yous to my post.
The most amazing thing happened today. My son and I had a great day out playing at the inflatable jump place and the library. We also got a cell phone (the only bill besides our 350 rent we have to pay for a really nice place) and a bunch of boxes.
His dad was at his spot on the way home. He really doesn't spend much time there but he was drunk by the time he got home today. But he told me he was sorry about the unpredictable emotional outbursts. I knew it was hurting him to feel rejected and I'm sure he's also ashamed and angry with me too. Like I said, I'm not perfect either.
So last night I had written down an extremely favorable schedule for custody, and it included him seeing our boy everyday. He knows I think he's an alcoholic, and he knows the one or two ways that he could ever change my willingness to share our son. He assures me that he will be good and I'm trying to trust him. He says he's trying to trust me too, although at first I couldn't see why. But then I realized he's feeling as scared about not being around as I am, for whatever reason.
He admitted that my dedication to keeping them together made him so happy. He said he realized that HE would even be much happier when I moved. And you know what? That would hurt a lot, but it only hurts a little really because I felt that he was there a long time ago. Love and actual enjoyment of another human being are two separate things. They should come together.
I continue to talk to him about his positive future. I can see that he is doing the best he can and I am working to be comfortable with that as long as my son is safe.
The situation still sucks, but I wish that every husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend (any family or friend really) and especially child of an alcoholic had the opportunity at civility and at least a true attempt at responsibility and response. And love. Love for all the kids especially.
I think this place has helped me too, and I wish I had time everyday to check in. But I want to say thank you to each one of you who has read and/or responded to my post and especially the thank yous.
Keep the positive thoughts and prayers out there for me as I am doing the same for all of you here. Love yourselves. Love your kids. Embrace your family and friends. I appreciate your embrace.
But I mean it truthfully. And I truthfully feel really good about the thank yous to my post.The most amazing thing happened today. My son and I had a great day out playing at the inflatable jump place and the library. We also got a cell phone (the only bill besides our 350 rent we have to pay for a really nice place) and a bunch of boxes.
His dad was at his spot on the way home. He really doesn't spend much time there but he was drunk by the time he got home today. But he told me he was sorry about the unpredictable emotional outbursts. I knew it was hurting him to feel rejected and I'm sure he's also ashamed and angry with me too. Like I said, I'm not perfect either.
So last night I had written down an extremely favorable schedule for custody, and it included him seeing our boy everyday. He knows I think he's an alcoholic, and he knows the one or two ways that he could ever change my willingness to share our son. He assures me that he will be good and I'm trying to trust him. He says he's trying to trust me too, although at first I couldn't see why. But then I realized he's feeling as scared about not being around as I am, for whatever reason.
He admitted that my dedication to keeping them together made him so happy. He said he realized that HE would even be much happier when I moved. And you know what? That would hurt a lot, but it only hurts a little really because I felt that he was there a long time ago. Love and actual enjoyment of another human being are two separate things. They should come together.
I continue to talk to him about his positive future. I can see that he is doing the best he can and I am working to be comfortable with that as long as my son is safe.
The situation still sucks, but I wish that every husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend (any family or friend really) and especially child of an alcoholic had the opportunity at civility and at least a true attempt at responsibility and response. And love. Love for all the kids especially.
I think this place has helped me too, and I wish I had time everyday to check in. But I want to say thank you to each one of you who has read and/or responded to my post and especially the thank yous.
Keep the positive thoughts and prayers out there for me as I am doing the same for all of you here. Love yourselves. Love your kids. Embrace your family and friends. I appreciate your embrace.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Just wanted to add that isn't it amazing how when our behaviour changes so does theirs!......sometimes you dont realise at first but it really doesn make a difference to oneself atleast!
Take care of you and I look forward to hearing how you are going....and remember nothing has to happen today right?......baby steps...take care Oh and a very big welcome....SR keeps me sane!! Phiz :0)
Take care of you and I look forward to hearing how you are going....and remember nothing has to happen today right?......baby steps...take care Oh and a very big welcome....SR keeps me sane!! Phiz :0)
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